Chapter 14: Listening, Respecting, Accepting, and Validating

CHOICE 5: Listening, Accepting, Respecting, and Validating

“Being listened to and heard is one of the greatest desires of the human heart. And those who learn to listen are the most loved and respected.”

Richard Carlson

“Connection is the energy that is created between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued.”

Brené Brown

“Could a greater miracle take place than for us to look through each other’s eyes for an instant?”

Henry David Thoreau

Listening with emotional awareness

Bill recounts an experience where taking a "mindful pause" resulted in a positive relationship choice rather than a habitual "knee-jerk" reaction. The situation was very ordinary, like most couple interactions. Remember, your relationship is the sum total of perhaps 100 interactions each day. Each interaction is an opportunity to turn toward your partner with empathy and understanding, rather than turning away from your partner, or turning against your partner. As Bill remembers the interaction:

I was getting ready to rush off to work. I was putting a leash on Burney, our Dalmatian and office dog, when Robin approached, glanced at Burney, and then at me. Looking very serious, Robin said in an intense and seemingly stern voice: "We've got to stop feeding Burney so many dog treats. He's gaining weight and it's really unhealthy."

I started to react without much if any forethought. I was aware of anger and irritation, and I was on the verge of an angry response. Had I said something without first taking a breath and creating a "mindful pause," I would've said something like:

“Look, I hardly ever give him treats. If he's gaining weight, it's not because I'm feeding him treats. Why do you look at me as though I'm responsible?"

I think you can see the problem. Had I responded that way, I might've gotten an angry response back and we would've been off and running. Nothing good would've come of it, and we'd probably still not have a plan for dealing with Burney's weight. Also, Robin would have been left feeling alone and unsupported.

Instead, I took a deep slow "belly breath," and responded: "I know you're really looking out for Burney and, yes, he's getting older. I know you're understandably worried and I am too. You do a great job looking out for his health and I'm with you on that. Yes, let's watch the dog treats and his food portions as well."

A communication home run! Robin looked relieved, smiled, and kissed me goodbye. We were a team. It felt good.

I'm not perfect at this and I still get it wrong plenty of times, but I'm better! Like you, I'm a work in progress and I get steadily better using the principles and strategies we describe in our book.

Remember, you get 100 or more opportunities every day to improve your ratio of positive to negative responding. As you will recall from our previous chapters, John Gottman and his researchers found that if a couple doesn’t have at least a 5 to 1 ratio of positive to negative responses, they're probably not going to make it. You have plenty of opportunities to make your contribution to a positive ratio— If only you can mindful and recognize opportunities right in front of you, in the moment.

Let's look at something from Transactional Analysis (TA) and the work of Claude Steiner PhD, author of Emotional Literacy: Intelligence with a Heart. Steiner's four stages of high emotional awareness are what our book is all about.

Figure 14-1: The Couple’s Emotional Awareness Scale

How well do you listen?

"You just don't understand me!"

Have you found yourself telling your partner that they're just not understanding you? Possibly you've heard this from your partner. Perhaps you hear it a lot.

Most people think of themselves as good listeners. However, when it's put to the test, most people get a low grade.

Being a good listener is critically important for your relationship. Thinking you're a good listener often doesn’t match up with your actual ability to understand others and communicate your understanding. Ask your partner to give you a letter grade on how well he or she thinks you listen. You might be surprised.

Remember to make this a sincere invitation because you really want to know. Really! You do, don’t you? Listen to your partner’s response carefully and don't get defensive and argue with the answer. If you keep shooting the messenger, they'll probably stop delivering messages.

You're not really listening unless you're willing to be influenced and possibly changed by what your partner has to say. That means you can't be rehearsing what you're going to say and waiting for an opening. You’ve got to be really focused on what your partner is saying and listening for something that might help you see things differently, or perhaps change your point of view altogether.

Do you listen for what is not being said? Yes, you read that correctly. Most of what is communicated is not being communicated by spoken words, but by tone of voice and nonverbal behaviors such as facial expressions, body posture, and movement. Do you tune into your partner's nonverbal behaviors? Whether you realize it or not, that's the majority of what you pay attention to. Great listening is receiving information on all channels.

Figure 14-2: Non-Verbal Communication

How good a listener do you want to be? How good a communicator do you want to be?

What’s more important in having great communication than effective listening? According to Adler, Rosenfeld, and Proctor in their book Interplay: The Process of Interpersonal Communication, 70% of your awake time is spent communicating. How much of that 70% is communicating with your partner? How much are you listening and listening well?

Relationships don't work without sufficient high-quality "us time," time not just watching TV together or sleeping in the same bed, but time spent actively engaged in conversation. The most important part of the conversation is listening, and your skillfulness in listening matters greatly. Great listening skill is what transforms mundane conversations into relationship enhancing dialogue.

Listening is more valuable than speaking, and the quality of your listening may very well determine the success or failure of your relationship. Poor listening will not only weaken your relationship, but it will prevent it from growing. And it's not just listening the way you listen to a news broadcast while doing other things. We're talking about deep listening, attentive and empathic listening. Are you able to listen for what's not being said? Are you able to listen in such a way that you can get into your partner's frame of reference? Do you listen to understand?

In our experience the inability or unwillingness of partners to take one another's perspective while listening is a most basic couple communication problem. How are you doing on this one?

Hearing is not the same as listening. If your hearing apparatus is working the sounds come through but that doesn't mean you're listening. You may block out something that's irritating, unimportant or simply boring. We all do it. We filter out TV commercials, traffic sounds and yes, we often filter out the complaints of our partner.

You may believe that you are listening when all you are doing is hearing. Have you ever stopped listening because you told yourself that you had heard it all before?

We often see people engaged in conversation while also focused on their electronic device. This isn't listening.

Listening, real listening, not the listening you do while the TV is on and you're waiting for your show to start, isn't easy.

Listening and validating

Jeff sat down across from his therapist looking deeply distressed. Sitting on the edge of his chair, he leaned forward with hunched shoulders and tightly clasped hands. His furrowed brow and tight jaw conveyed a picture of a man feeling heavily burdened and in a state of high anxiety. He gave a deep sigh and began excitedly:

“I realize I need help. If I don’t do something fast my marriage is probably over. I know I need to make major changes, but I don’t know where to start. Can you help me figure this out?”

In the previous session Grace, Jeff’s wife, had stated: “I’m just not going to talk anymore, ever! When I do talk he either doesn’t respond at all or responds with putting it all back on me. He gets into endless blaming and defending. He talks and talks but never listens. If I try to respond he just talks over me or gets louder. I don’t want an argument and I’m not trying to win, but he obviously thinks differently. He sees every issue as either something to avoid or some kind of contest where he just has to win at all costs. He just doesn’t get it. There’s no point in talking to him at all, so I quit, and I really mean it! I’m just going to do my own thing and stop talking to him altogether. It’s just too much trouble and I always come away feeling angry, resentful, and totally frustrated. I quit!”

In the present session Jeff had come alone. “She’s serious. Grace hasn’t talked to me all week and I think she is getting ready to move out. I don’t want to lose her but maybe I have already. What do I do? I really need your help on this one.”

The therapist responded: “Let’s slow it down a bit. We have a lot to talk about.”

Jeff abruptly held up his hand to signal that he had more to say: “I don’t think you understand. This is a crisis. It’s never been this bad before. It’s a whole week. Do you get that? For a whole week she hasn’t said anything. This is new territory and I don’t know where to go from here. Just give me a plan. Just give me a checklist. Yeah, that’s it, a checklist. Give me some simple steps to follow and I’ll do it. I want a checklist.”

The therapist wanted to say she didn’t work that way, that a checklist was overly simplistic and the solution was far more complicated than could be achieved by following a list of steps.

However, she could see Jeff’s intense distress and she knew she needed to give him something that he could use today. Besides, Jeff was an engineer and used to following a detailed plan with an unwavering focus on the final goal. Perhaps this was an opportunity, so she began:

“It’s far more complicated than simply following a checklist. Changing habits involves a high level of self-awareness and self-management. Awareness involves daily self-assessment leading to being so aware of what is happening moment-two-moment that you catch yourself on the verge of responding with a bad habit, instead plugging in an emotionally intelligent response. In other words, you create a mindful pause between stimulus and response and in that pause you choose a different direction. With repetition (practice), positive responding becomes automatic. So, it's complicated and involves a lot of practice."

"However, I'm noticing your sense of urgency and I know you need something you can implement today. So, while I don't usually advocate following a checklist, in this situation I think it's a great start."

"The checklist I have in mind has only four steps and if followed consistently will probably result in your wife seeing you in a whole new light — and probably enjoying being with you. Moreover, if you practice these steps with friends and coworkers you should experience a boost in popularity. People will just like being with you."

Jeff's demeanor had changed. He was smiling and seemed eager to hear more. "Okay, it sounds like a checklist. I'm on board. What are the steps?"

The therapist responded: "While we've been talking I jotted down the four steps. Keep in mind that making these steps work will involve consistent practice and deeper understanding of what these steps are all about. That being understood, here are the steps:"

1. Shut up! (but don't disengage)

2. Listen!

3. Understand!

4. Validate her feelings

"Let's talk about the steps in detail"

The following is a further elaboration of the four steps from the above scenario:

1. Shut up! (but don't disengage)

Telling yourself to "shut up" is not our usual suggestion for positive self-talk. However, keep in mind that you cannot listen effectively and talk at the same time. It's just not possible. Reminding yourself to shut up is also a reminder to yourself to tune in to your partner, putting your own agenda on the back burner.

Shutting up simply means you're electing to become the listener rather than the talker. In no way does it imply withdrawing, shutting down, being passive, or disengaging. It's a shift in focus from talker to active listener.

2. Listen!

Something magical happens when your partner perceives that you have a sincere interest in their thoughts and feelings, along with an ability to listen for what isn't being said explicitly such as primary emotions and unmet needs.

Inviting your partner to share while being convincingly sincere that you really want to understand is an incredible gift. Remember however, it must be sincere. Your partner will quickly figure out if you are merely pretending to be interested. Your partner needs to clearly see you focusing on them, without distraction, listening carefully to their words along with a focus on stated or implied feelings.

While most people focus on content, totally missing the feelings behind the content, really great listeners hone in on feelings as well and communicate their understanding and acceptance of those feelings.

Great listeners listen attentively, and not reactively. They ask open-ended questions when they need to understand more completely, not as a way of trapping their partner or redirecting the conversation. They listen to understand, not to find flaws in the other person's position.

Dr. Marisue Pickering, a communication researcher at the University of Maine described active and empathic listening as having four characteristics:

1. Active and empathic listeners want to be other-directed, rather than imposing their own feelings and ideas onto their partner.

2. Active and empathic listeners want to be non-defensive rather than protecting their sense of self. You can't be preoccupied with protecting your ego and fully focusing on your partner at the same time.

3. Active and empathic listeners try to imagine their partner's unique awareness of their world, rather than assuming that the roles, perspectives, or experiences of their partner are the same as their own.

4. Active and empathic listening is about being curious, taking in information, and fully understanding rather than pursuing agreement or changing your partner.

3. Understand!

According to John Gottman's research, for approximately two thirds of the things you and your partner disagree about, you will always disagree. Sound dismal? Not really — your choice is to live in perpetual gridlock or perpetual dialogue, compromising and negotiating as you go. You are two different people and the best you can do is to listen to understand. You don't have to agree but you do have to understand and communicate that understanding.

You know instantly when someone is listening only until there is an opening when they can jump in with their counter-argument. You know when they are being reactive or disengaged. You also know when your partner is listening attentively, not reactively. You know when they are being empathic. Feels good doesn't it? Well, your partner wants the same thing and nothing will open up communication and increase the probability of a satisfying outcome more than attentive and empathic listening where the goal is simply to understand.

4. Validate feelings

Don't get hung up on the surface stuff. Go for a deeper understanding. If your partner is angry, try to understand what's beneath the anger. Think of the anger as a secondary emotion with a deeper primary emotion being something like fear or insecurity.

For example, someone who is insecurely attached may pursue their partner angrily. The deeper feelings may have more to do with a fear of abandonment or a fear of losing the emotional connection. Focusing only on their anger, and reacting to the anger defensively or by withdrawing, would take the communication in the wrong direction.

Listen for deeper feelings and unmet needs. Focusing only on surface emotions and behaviors may lead you to being defensive, angry, or withdrawing. Instead, take a deep breath and validate your partner’s underlying feelings, connecting the feelings to the situation and communicating your understanding and acceptance. For example:

I can see you're angry that I came late for dinner. You made a great dinner and I kept you waiting. I'd be angry too. I think you're also disappointed and hurt because it's happened before. I can certainly see how you would feel that way.I’m really sorry. Can we talk about it? I'll listen.

You might check back to the first example in this chapter. Often, listening for underlying feelings and unmet needs opens up the communication. Validating your partner's feelings can be magic!

CHOICE 5. Listening, Accepting, Respecting, and Validating

DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the past week. Record the number that best applies on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

0 = not true at all, or 0 percent; 1 = mostly not true, or 25 percent; 2 = partially true, or 50 percent; 3 = largely true, or 75 percent; 4 = totally true, or 95–100 percent

a. When you make it clear to me that you want to discuss an issue of importance to you I give you my full attention. If that is not practical at that particular moment, I set a time with you when I can fully focus on you.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Tune into your partner. Turn off the TV, put down your book or magazine, put your smart phone out of sight, ask the kids to play in another room, and put whatever is on your mind on the back burner.

Giving your full attention is difficult and requires mindfulness. When you're giving your full attention, your mind is on your partner, and nothing else.

If you're listening and thinking about your own reactions, needs, or feelings, then you're really having a conversation with yourself. You're not listening. If it's not possible or safe in the present moment, make an appointment when you will be fully available and have sufficient time free of distractions.

b. When appropriate (not while driving), I face you directly with relaxed and open body posture and good eye contact. Nonverbally, I communicate that I value what you have to say.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Body language is super important. Face your partner with a relaxed open posture and look at him or her. If you have a cell phone, put it away – and that means fully out of sight!. Your nonverbal behavior should communicate that you are receptive, non-judging, and interested in understanding everything your partner has to say, whether you agree or not, whether you enjoy hearing it or not..

c. I may not agree with you but it is vital that I understand and respect you. It is vital to me that you feel understood and respected. I check it out with you to find out whether or not you are feeling understood.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Try not to tell your partner "I understand" unless you are totally sure that you are fully understanding your partner and that your partner feels fully understood. The proof of whether or not you’re understanding is your partner feeling understood. If that's not happening, telling your partner "I understand" will probably elicit an angry response. You might paraphrase what your partner has said followed by "Is that accurate? Am I getting it?"

d. I strive to capture the experience of walking in your shoes and experiencing your life as you experience it. Toward this end, I listen intently, without distractions.

Empathy requires focus and concentration. It's not easy. We sometimes ask couples in conflict to take a moment, close their eyes, and fully imagine what it's like to be their partner. We then have them physically change seats and role-play their partner as they continue the conversation. At the end of the exercise we have them go back to their original seats and talk about their experience. For most people, it's difficult. Often the exercise leads to powerful insights and empathy.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

e. I tune into and track both your thoughts and your feelings. I ask questions to understand you better. I check out my perceptions. A major goal for me is for you to feel understood.

As your partner is talking, be aware of what they're telling you about what they think, what they feel, what they want, what they've been doing, what they are doing presently, what they plan to do, and what they want from you. If any of these components are missing, such as talking about emotions, ask!

Invite your partner to share their full awareness of their unique view of their world. Remember your job is to capture their experience. It doesn't matter if that experience is different from yours. Listen! Learn! Understand! Empathize! Validate!

In particular, pay attention to their emotional experience and their unmet needs. These are the areas where it is most important for you to respond in a positive way. Ask open-ended questions as a way of gaining more understanding of your partner.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

f. I demonstrate my willingness to follow your train of thought without sidetracking you with my own thoughts or agenda.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

When you're listening, be patient and allow your partner to tell their complete story. This might be very difficult as there might be a lot you need to listen to, and you might be hearing things you don't particularly want to hear.

Respond when there is a natural pause but be careful not to take over the conversation with your own thoughts or agenda. Stay focused on your partner's experience, and continue to communicate your understanding. Respond with empathy and validation wherever appropriate.

When it's clear that your partner is feeling understood, you might briefly summarize what you heard your partner say and then verify that you're hearing them correctly and they feel understood.

If it’s clear your partner is feeling listened to, you might say, "I'd like to respond," and proceed.

Make it a dialogue and not a rebuttal. Remember the goal is for each of you to come away from the conversation feeling listened to and understood.

g. I stay with you as you speak, regardless of my agreement or disagreement, without blocking or being reactive.

This is very difficult. Of course, you want to talk and be heard, but it's also important that the two of you take turns, each allowing the other to feel complete before moving on.

Often, when we are working with a couple, a conflict will arise and they simultaneously begin talking loudly and excitedly. In an instant they are in an escalating cycle, each getting angrier and more upset. As quickly as we can, we break in and ask: "If both of you are talking, who is listening?"

That usually brings a halt the things as they quickly realize they have been talking over one another with no one actually hearing what's being said.

Your partner will sometimes say things you disagree with. Often what's being said is causing a strong emotional reaction in you. The discipline is to take a deep breath (belly breathing), and stay with your partner. Don't tune them out and don't jump in with reactivity and defensiveness. Stay calm, listen, and remember that the goal is not to agree but to understand

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

h. I find a way to connect with you by letting you know I hear you and respect what you have to say as your truth. It is necessary to listen. It is not necessary for me to agree or resolve all differences.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Couples newly in love often have the illusion that they are just alike, think the same, feel the same, have the same goals, and quite simply, are the most perfect couple. Sooner or later, they discover that, in spite of similarities, they are also quite different in significant ways.

For most couples, sooner or later, a power struggle ensues, with conflict that may threaten their continuation as a healthy couple.

Respecting differences, in fact valuing differences, is a mark of a high functioning couple. You will always disagree and there will always be conflict. What is crucial is how that conflict is handled. Are you handling conflict effectively or ineffectively?

Central to effective conflict management is a willingness to listen, even when you disagree, and to listen respectfully. In fact, healthy couples encourage one another to tell their complete truth, and they co-create a sense of safety so that it's okay to be vulnerable.

Healthy couples trust one another that information revealed will not be used in a destructive or hurtful manner. Listening and understanding, rather than agreement, is the goal.

i. I encourage you to continue telling me your story until you feel finished.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Recall a situation where you were eager to tell your partner your story, with all your thoughts and feelings. If your partner interrupted you, perhaps repeatedly, to talk about their side of things, their viewpoint, you probably felt quite frustrated, even angry. How did you handle their interruptions? What was your self-talk? How were you feeling about your partner? What was the outcome? Did conflict escalate? Did you withdraw or shutdown?

We stress "symmetry of airtime." You each get to talk which means you each take turns. Sometimes however, one of you has a lot to say and needs to be able to say it until they feel complete. Are you accepting of your partners need to tell his or her complete story? Are you impatient? Do you interrupt? Do you encourage him or her to tell it all?

Don’t rush your partner. Watch the nonverbals. Pacing, deep sighs, repeatedly glancing at your watch, all communicate to your partner that you are not willing to listen.

Slow down, relax, and commit to hearing your partner fully. Remind yourself that by doing so you are making a positive contribution to the relationship.

We can almost hear the objection – "What if I just don't have the time right now and my partner goes on and on. What do I do?"

If there is limited time, such as when one of you is late for work, consider making an appointment, setting a specific time when you are both fully available and there is time for each of you to feel complete in what you each want to communicate. You might make the following request of your partner: "I really want to hear everything you want to tell me, and I want us to have sufficient time for each of us to feel fully listened to and understood. This is not the best time, but I do want to hear you. Can we set a time when I'm fully available?"

When you do have an opportunity to talk, be patient, listen, and don't interrupt except perhaps to say: "Is there more you want to tell me?"

A healthy relationship requires that each of you feels safe in telling your full story, trusting in the fact that your partner not only allows it, but encourages it.

j. I find a way to communicate to you that what you are saying is important to me and I will make time to listen fully.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

How encouraging are you? How good are you at letting your partner know that you are available and really wanting them to share? Do you express interest in how their life is going, or how they view the relationship?

Couples have never been more busy, or had less time for one another. Many of the couples we see are like ships passing in the night, rarely having as much time together as they would like. With children and/or two busy careers, it gets worse.

You can't be a happy, healthy couple in the long term unless there is sufficient, quality "us time." You need time together, and time actively engaged. You need time for each of you to talk about things you enjoy, things you worry about, and things you're interested in. You each need to share your hopes and dreams, your passions, and your deepest fears. That takes time, and it takes a willingness to listen. It takes commitment.

Let your partner know that you are interested in his or her life. You are each on a journey and there is much to talk about. Let your partner know that you are ready and eager to learn about the person with whom you are sharing your life. Commit the time, communicate your interest, and listen!

Category Total Divided by 2_______________(transfer to Profile Sheet)

The Essentials:

• Learn how to validate your partner's feelings. Respond effectively to hurt or angry feelings. You will change your life and your relationship.

• Don't say "I understand you" unless you are truly showing your partner you are understanding — and hopefully validating.

• Don't get hung up on the facts or surface emotions such as anger. Couples endlessly debate the facts and defend themselves against their partner’s emotions. Identifying and accepting primary emotions is vastly more important. Listen for the underlying, and often unexpressed, emotions, along with frustrated or unmet needs. Go deeper!

• Recognize what John Gottman refers to as "bids" for connection, as opportunities to grow and strengthen your relationship. Seize the opportunity to turn toward your partner with warmth and appreciation rather than turning away from them or turning against them.

• Remember, your #1 goal is not to obtain agreement but for both of you to come away from the exchange feeling listened to and understood.

• Listen in such a way as to calm fears and insecurities as well as boost your partner's happiness and enthusiasm. Calm tense situations and defuse conflict. Powerfully support your partner’s hope, dreams and successes. Actively listen and validate.

• Remember, having to be right, having to win, having to defend, having to avoid, or having to fix, are all responses that take you away from listening for understanding, and listening to understand is the basis for effective conflict management and relationship building. Your job is to understand your partner's fears of rejection, not being good enough, abandonment, jealousy, etc., not as attacks upon your sacred ego, but as opportunities to deepen your relationship.

• Are you a good listener? Most people think they are. However, we maintain that you are not listening to the full extent of your ability unless you are willing to be influenced, and possibly even changed, by your partner. This is difficult. Can you accept this as a goal?

• Being a good listener and validator means you are probably able to help anyone in any situation with any type of problem. You don't have to be an expert and you don't have to "fix" their problem. You don't have to load them up with advice. In most cases what they're looking for is validation, helping them feel understood with justifiable emotions. This is magic, and extremely helpful.

• Do you want your partner to feel not only understood, but feel your love, compassion, and empathy? Good listening skills are essential. Without good listening, your partner may not feel convinced of your love or caring.

Habitualizing to Make Positive Habits Stick

1. Consider asking your partner for specific feedback on how well he or she perceives you listening, accepting, respecting, and validating. Remember, such a request has to come from a genuine desire for honest feedback, with the belief that feedback is helpful. You can't change anything you're not aware of and all of us have blind spots. Don't get defensive. Listen for what is useful. As we have said previously, you aren't really listening unless you are willing to be influenced, and possibly changed by your partner.

2. Along the same lines, consider allowing your partner to use the self-test for this choice area to rate how he or she thinks you are doing on each of the 10 items. Again, don't get defensive and ask for clarification only out of a sincere desire to learn. Be careful how you ask clarifying questions. Imagine asking your partner: "Can you give me an example?" You can ask with a calm, friendly, inviting tone, or within angry, defensive, even sarcastic tone.

There are lines from Robert Burns, the great 18th-century Scottish poet which read as follows:

O wad some power the giftie gie us,

To see oursels as ithers see us!

It wad frae mony a blunder free us,

An foolish notion

Here is the modern translation:

Oh, with some power give us the gift

To see ourselves as others see us!

It would from many a blunder free us,

And foolish notion.

You may not be fully aware of how you impact your partner, but if you have the kind of relationship where you can talk about anything and everything at any time, you are truly fortunate. Your partner can help you see your blind spots. Awareness allows you to be conscious and intentional, and to build powerful positive habits. It’s a gift. Remember, don’t shoot the messenger!

3. Use the self-test as a “habitualizing” tool, taking the test each morning, rating yourself, and plotting your results on the profile sheet. You will quickly become more aware of opportunities to slow down, listen, and validate. Before you know it, you will be routinely taking a "mindful pause" in responding to your partner in a masterful way that greatly benefits the relationship.

4. Consider keeping a daily journal utilizing the following guidelines:

• What examples are there of my listening effectively today?
• What examples are there of my not being an effective listener?
• Why was I effective? Why was I not effective?
• If not effective, what got in the way?
• If effective, why?
• What was the effect on my partner?
• What do I need to continue working on?

References:

Adler, R. B., Rosenfeld, L. B. & Proctor II, R. F. (Eds.). (2001). Interplay: the Process of Interpersonal Communication. Orlando, Fl: Harcourt, Inc.

Gottman, J. (2002). The Relationship Cure: A Five Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York, NY: Harmony.

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.

Goulston, M. (2010). Just Listen: Discover the Secret to Getting Through to Absolutely Anyone. New York, NY: American Management Association.

Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the Love You Want. New York, NY: Henry Holt and Company.

Nichols, M. (2009). The Lost Art of Listening: How Learning to Listen can Improve Relationships. New York, NY: The Guilford Press.

Pickering, M. (2005). Clinical education, professional supervision and mentoring: A perspective from the USA. In M. Rose, D. Best, & J. Higgs (Eds.), Transforming practice through clinical education, professional supervision, and mentoring (pp.19-22). Edinburgh, Scotland: Elsevier.

Shafir, R. (2011). The Zen of Listening: Mindful Communication in the Age of Distraction. Wheaton, IL: Quest Books.

Sorenson, M. (2017). I Hear You: The Surprisingly Simple Skill behind Extraordinary Relationships. Lehi, UT: Autumn Creek Press, LLC.

Steiner, C. (2003). Emotional Literacy: Intelligence with a Heart. Fawnskin, CA: Personhood Press.