Chapter 18 Chapter 18: Mindful Sex

"When you encounter your sexuality as something mysterious and unique, your fixed ideas and emotional and mental blocks can begin to melt away. Sex becomes a beautiful dance. Rigidity gives way to fluidity. The default setting of your lovemaking is replaced by endless possibility, surprise, and awe."

Jessica Graham, Good Sex: Getting Off Without Checking Out

"When I'm good, I'm very good, but when I'm bad, I'm better."

Mae West

"How bold one gets when one is sure of being loved."

Sigmund Freud

“Sex is always about emotions. Good sex is about free emotions; bad sex is about blocked emotions.”

Deepak Chopra

Mindlessness: Distraction and Spectatoring

What could be more engrossing, more captivating, more dazzling, delightful, enrapturing, enthralling, than a sexual encounter with that very special person?

Well, actually – a lot of things!

In spite of attraction and commitment, we’re easily distracted. Sometimes it's a matter of being distracted by the day’s events such as thoughts about work or the upcoming vacation. Then there are the more consequential distractions.

Sometimes we're overwhelmed by pleasure zapping ruminations and orgasm blocking worries and fears.

Nearly 35 years ago Bill was in sex therapy training with Bill Masters and Virginia Johnson in St. Louis. Younger readers might not recognize the names Masters and Johnson, but they virtually invented sex therapy. It was from Dr. Masters that Bill first heard the term "spectatoring."

Be honest. Have you ever found yourself distracted while having sex? Have you ever caught yourself with your mind wandering? Have you ever had thoughts that got in the way?

Be honest, most people have.

What Bill Masters meant by "spectatoring" wasn't simply being distracted by the TV playing in the background. No, spectatoring is about judging and evaluating. It's about your focus being on you and your concerns, not on your what’s interesting and exciting about connecting with your partner. It’s about anxious rumination that shouldn’t be a part of your sex life.

Here's several versions of common spectatoring scenarios:

Matt and Beverly have been married for nearly 20 years. For the most part their sex life has been great. Lately though, Matt has been worrying. There were occasions where he was just too tired or not really interested. Was he losing it? Was Beverly disappointed? It seemed the more he worried, the more his body didn't seem to be cooperating. It was taking longer to get excited, longer to get a full erection – and how about those erections? Were they as good as in previous years? What if…? Matt was caught up in a worry cycle. Instead of pleasurably anticipating the next sexual encounter, Matt was caught up in anxiety about his performance and anxiety about the effect of badly performing on Beverly. Sex just wasn’t that much fun anymore. He was actually beginning to dread it.

Beverly was concerned. Matt just didn't seem like his old self. Until recently he had never turned down an opportunity for sex. Now he seemed preoccupied, distracted — even resistant. Was he no longer interested? Did he still find her attractive, sexy? True, she had gained a bit of weight. Could that be it? Was he turned off? Beverly found herself more and more self-conscious about her body. When they did have sex, she found herself looking for signs of Matt’s disapproval. The more she stressed about Matt's acceptance of her body, the more difficult it became to find sex enjoyable and satisfying. She found herself making excuses and avoiding. Sex was becoming infrequent and unfulfilling.

Joan faked orgasms. She had to do it for Harry or he would be disappointed and frustrated. If she didn’t produce an orgasm on schedule, Harry would blame himself and feel inadequate. A dilemma! The harder she tried, the more it just didn't seem to be happening. So, faking it solved the problem, or did it? Joan felt unfulfilled, and worse yet, she was becoming resentful of Harry.

Joe had come to fear sexual encounters with Betty. He knew she wanted more sex but could he deliver? He anxiously anticipated one more disappointment, one more failure. The first time it had happened, he laughed it off, at least outwardly. He didn’t let Betty see it, but inwardly he was terrified. For the next few days all he could think about was "The problem." What was wrong? Could he fix it? Would it continue? Would it get worse? During the next
sexual encounter he paid close attention to signs of trouble. Would he get an erection on schedule? Would it be firm enough? Would it last? Would he penetrate before losing it? Would he be able to keep his erection long enough for Betty to be satisfied? It was a disaster? Joe found himself tense, sweating, his heart racing, breathing rapidly, and filled with high anxiety. Then it happened! His erection vanished.

Joe couldn’t mask his distress. Erections can’t be faked, and Joe, deeply upset, could no longer hide his self-shaming from Betty who reassuringly said: "Well, there's always next time." Joe, immersed in thoughts of failure and deeply ashamed, found no comfort in Betty's response. Now even more anxious, he would ruminate constantly about his difficulty, continuously engaging in "awfulizing and catastrophizing" about “next time.” Not surprisingly, his anxiety had become full-blown panic, a state absolutely incompatible with achieving and maintaining sexual arousal.

Joe's story illustrates spectatoring in the extreme. It was like he was disconnected from his body, monitoring and evaluating – himself! Sexual arousal is something that occurs spontaneously in nature, unless you screw it up with anxious thinking. Yes, of course a sexual encounter, thinking erotic or romantic thoughts, or conjuring up exciting images or memories can get you going, but other thoughts can be a powerful turnoff.

Joe loved Betty deeply and never ceased finding her incredibly attractive and sexy. Now however, instead of focusing on all the things he enjoyed about Betty, he was entirely focused on himself and his performance. Instead of experiencing her fully with all his senses and emotions, he was instead submerged in anxious, even panicky, rumination about his performance.

That's not very sexy! The focus was all wrong. Joe was having an out of body experience. It was as if he was floating over the two of them, closely observing his own performance. His thoughts were all about anticipating failure, triggering greater and greater anxiety with each negative thought.

Good sex doesn't involve much thinking, and it's certainly not about thinking disturbing thoughts about yourself. It's more about taking a sensory voyage, mindfully connecting emotionally with your partner and fully experiencing with all your senses everything that is erotic and exciting. It's about whole-body mindful connecting.

The most common roadblocks are worrying about performance (e.g., losing your partner due to poor performance, not getting an orgasm quick enough, or getting there too quickly as in the case of premature ejaculation), or not thinking your body is attractive enough to your partner. Of course, there is no limit to other possible worrisome distractions.

It's easy to see how such compulsive ruminations get in the way of pleasure and orgasm. The solution is to take your brain "off-line" when it comes to worry and anxiety. Practicing mindfulness is a key strategy for learning how to readily switch to off-line mode.

The evidence is in. Practicing mindfulness leads to greater happiness, less anxiety and depression–and better sex. Research backs it up. In a study at Brown University 44 women in a three-month mindfulness meditation course reported significantly greater sexual arousal, with arousal happening much quicker. Greater awareness was the key and women in the course were much better able to observe and describe what was happening in their mind, body, and emotions, without judging their experience as good or bad.

Mindful sex involves “interoceptive awareness,” which means being fully aware of your physiological and emotional state. The research shows clearly that increasing interoceptive awareness gets you out of your head, lowers your anxiety, improve your mood, and lessens self-judgment, therefore directly contributing to significantly greater sexual experiences.

And what about meditation? Good sex is about mindful awareness, a basic characteristic of meditation. It's about being fully present in the here and now, putting your mind, emotions, and bodily sensations in the same place. Meditation is excellent training for paying attention.

Mindfulness meditation in particular is a discipline for being fully focused on all your experience in the present moment. When that focus is about being in touch with your emotions and physical sensations, sexual experiences are greatly enhanced.

We now know that meditation brings about actual physical changes in the structure of the brain. Long-term meditators have increased cortical gyrification (folding) of the brain’s insula. Why is this important to good sex? A Dartmouth study found that women with more gyrified insula experienced more intense orgasms. We have a hunch this applies to men also. Does that increase your motivation for daily mindfulness meditation practice?

So, how do you apply mindfulness to great sex?

Mindful Sex

Mindfulness, as we've seen in previous chapters, is about focusing on what's happening right now, in this very moment, rather than getting depressed over past events or anxiously "what-iffing "about future possibilities. And it's non-judging. So, first and foremost, mindful sex is about being fully present in this moment, tuning in to what's happening in your body, without judging!

Joe, in the previous example, didn't have his mind and body in the same place. His body was all primed and ready for pleasure but his mind was somewhere else, focused on past difficulties and anticipating an impending crisis. His body and mind, rather than being on the same track, were disconnected. His body was ready for action, but in his mind he was depressed over the past and anxious about the future. Have you ever experienced this kind of disconnection?

Joe could've focused on erotic sensations amplified by letting go and fully experiencing his senses. He could've noticed how touching Betty or being touched by her excited him. He could've noticed the pleasant smell of her hair, the feel of her warm skin, how pretty her eyes were in the light, the tempo of her breathing, the thrill of her body pressed against his, etc. Instead, Joe was focused with his disconnected thinking mind on his own performance.

Try an experiment. Try to become sexually aroused focusing only on your own body. Better yet, try to become sexually aroused focusing only on negative thoughts about your body and your performance. Now, think about the best sex you've ever had and fantasize about what turned you on. Are you feeling a tingle? It’s a matter of focus, and abandoning yourself to the experience.

Can you see how powerful your mind is in either blocking sexual pleasure or opening erotic floodgates? It can go either way. Mindfulness is about focusing on what's right in front of you, right now. Everything else needs to be shuttled to off-line mode.

Mindfulness practice doesn’t involve struggling with negative thoughts, avoiding them, or forcing them out of your consciousness. Just notice them and remind yourself to come back to a focus on what’s pleasurable in the present moment. Instead of fusing with negative thoughts, diffuse and move on to pleasurable sensations and the thrill of connection. Don't judge negative thoughts or struggle to make them go away. Just let those thoughts be and calmly shift your focus to what you are experiencing right now with your senses and desire for connection.

Practicing mindful sex becomes part of a bigger picture, just as practicing mindfulness becomes part of the way you do life in general. Mindful sex is life-enhancing.

Jessica Graham, in her book Good Sex, talks about mindfulness and making love:

“As you bring more mindfulness to your lovemaking, you can get a glimpse of your own brand of enlightenment. These moments of awakening that come from deeply experiencing sex add up. You may find that the intense connection you feel with your partner during sex extends to include the whole world.”

Mindful sex isn’t about following a formula or checklist. It’s not pursuing Fourth of July fireworks (although that might be the result). It’s simply about discovering your authentic sexuality by being fully present with your partner and fully present with yourself. It’s about letting go of all your ideas of what you’re supposed to be achieving. It’s about letting go of all your “must” and “should” messages such as “I should perfectly please my partner,” or “I must have an orgasm on schedule.”

Mindful sex is an adventure and an exploration, not an Olympic event. It’s not about keeping score or being scored. It’s not a contest. It’s letting go of expectations and leaving your ego at the door. It’s limitless rather than measured and judged.

It’s simply about showing up and being present. It’s about paying attention to what’s happening right here, right now. For example, again quoting Jessica Graham in her book Good Sex:

“For a big chunk of my sexually active years… I was selling myself (and my partners) short. I was not in touch with my body. I couldn’t feel the subtle vibrations after an orgasm ends, or the warmth that spreads across my inner thighs and stomach when I become aroused, or the tingle in my chest when I get kissed exactly the way I like.”

Mindfulness is about connecting with your body, and all the ways your body experiences pleasure. Some of us avoid our bodies because of pain, shame, trauma, or negative beliefs. Some of us are disconnected from our bodies because of shame-based teachings from childhood. Disconnection and distraction can readily result in disembodied sex, the separation of mind and body we’ve discussed previously.

Mindfulness is about fully accepting and connecting with your body and all pleasurable sensations. Your body is fully equipped to experience pleasure in a wide variety of ways. Mindfulness is fully enjoying a warm bath or great massage. Mindfulness is about opening yourself up to physical pleasure throughout your body, and sexual pleasure in particular.

Taking it to the next level

Developing intimate connection with deeply satisfying sex is not only fun but it promotes health and well-being, and helps you live longer. Being intimately connected with your partner lowers your stress hormones and promotes restorative rest and relaxation.

Go to any bookstore and you'll find an extensive library of books on sex, most of which involve "how to" books on how to achieve more satisfying sex. Surprisingly, one of the most powerful approaches to sex education and expressing your sexuality has been around for thousands of years. Not only different positions in This ancient practice, rather than being about different positions or achieving orgasm, is about an ongoing sensual dance of connection. It embodies open dialogue between partners about sexual pleasure and expectations. It's about lengthy sex rather than getting to the big O. It's a combination of sex and yoga. It's about spiritual connection. It's about being in sync with your partner's breathing and movements. It's well-suited for those who want to shed their sexual inhibitions, exploring and deepening sexual pleasure and connection.

We're describing tantric sex, originating as a Hindu practice thousands of years ago. Now, before you stop reading because you think we're promoting a religion, know that tantric sex is beneficial to Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhists, agnostics, any other religion, no religion, or atheists.

"Love Is Not an Emotion"

Diana Richardson in her book: Tantric Love: Feeling Versus Emotion: Golden Rules to Make Love Easy, maintains that most of us tend to think of love as something that fluctuates, between good days and bad days, something beyond our control and unpredictable.

Richardson maintains that love is not something that goes up and down, but rather it's "a state of being." Meanwhile, emotions go up and down with mindless reactivity stemming from past experiences, learned beliefs, and habitual defensiveness or avoidance. She quotes Osho (transcribed teachings, The Guest, Volume 6):

"Love is overflowing joy. Love is when you have seen who you are; then there is nothing left except to share your being with others. Love is when you have seen that you are not separate from existence. Love is when you have felt an organic, orgasmic unity with all that is. Love is not a relationship. Love is a state of being; it is nothing to do with anybody else. One is not in love, one is love. And of course when one is love, one is in love — but that is an outcome, a byproduct, that is not the source. The source is that one is love."

Mindful sex means being aware of emotional pitfalls and consciously turning toward a deeper need for connection and intimacy.

Great sex
leads to great connection. According to Diana Richardson, author of
The Heart of Tantric Sex: a Unique Guide to Love and Sexual
Fulfillment:

“Whenever sex is fulfilling, the chances of love and a joyful life together are greater. Sexual rapport creates possibilities for intimacy and honesty, and a bonding, loving union. Conversely, where there is dissatisfaction in sex, the seeds of discontent are sown, resentments, frustrations, and fears easily arise, and slowly the love and rapport between partners can break down, ultimately leading to separation."

For couples who aren't shy and are a bit adventuresome, a work on love in Sanskrit literature is the Hindu love classic Kama Sutra. Written over 2000 years ago, the Kama Sutra deals with all aspects of sexual life. Colorful illustrations might be quite entertaining for an uninhibited adventuresome couple.

Presence of Heart

Jon Kabat-Zinn, the founder of Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR), in a presentation for the Greater Good Science Center at Berkeley explained that the Chinese character for mindfulness is comprised of two symbols: presence and heart. That's a good thing to keep in mind when thinking about great sex. If it's a single-minded relentless pursuit of the big "O," orgasm, heart is not present.

According to Marcia Lucas, author of Rewire Your Brain for Love:

"Orgasm can obscure everything else that is along the path. Mindfulness helps you see what else is there."

Lucas goes on to say in regard to mindfulness meditation and training in mindfulness skills:

"You're more empowered when you know what's happening in your body and mind. If you notice when you're distracted, then you can keep coming back: you can tell the difference and be more present."

“Spiritual Bypassing”

Throughout this book we emphasize mindfulness and mindfulness meditation. Please note that we're not talking about mindfulness as a way of erasing all pain, or avoiding stressful aspects of your relationship. Relationship ups and downs and sexual issues are part of life and can’t be avoided. Trying to do so leads to what authors Richard Chambers and Margie Ulbrick in their book Mindful Relationships refer to as "spiritual bypassing." This is the attempt to use mindfulness and mindfulness meditation to avoid difficulties. Chambers and Ulbrick state:

"Experienced mindfulness practitioners — the ones that have stuck with it and are really starting to get it — recognize that the path to liberation is through the difficulties rather than around them (or away from them). Learning to embrace the fullness of life, what mindfulness pioneer Jon Kabat-Zinn calls the 'full catastrophe,' with a sense of openness and gentleness — this is the path to liberation."

Want to be freed up from relational and sexual problems? Deal with them! Mindfulness simply helps with intention, awareness, focus, and practice.

Great sex
is not just about getting off. It's also about emotion and
connection. During sex are you fully present, fully focused, and
pursuing emotional connection?

The Bigger Picture

As we were writing this chapter, it occurred to us that what is lacking in great sex might also be what is lacking in your relationship with your partner and with others. That quality is intimacy. You can't expect to have great sex unless the mindfulness qualities of "presence and heart" are also the key ingredients in your love relationship, not just in the bedroom.

Stress Management

We live in turbulent, stressful times. We tend to be sleep deprived and beset by all kinds of things to worry about. Many of us live in fight or flight mode, constantly feeling threatened and awash in stress hormones. Stress is not only bad for you in many ways, it's also a sexual pleasure killer.

You may recall From Chapter 2 our discussion of "Step Two Is Missing," where we defined Step 1 as day-to-day stressful life and Step 3 as intimacy, great sex, and deep satisfaction. It's too big a leap to go directly from Step 1 to Step 3 What's needed, in fact what is imperative for intimacy and great sex, is to have meaningful, open, non-defensive sharing, along with relaxation and fun. This is the stuff of Step 2.

Mindfulness meditation and mindful awareness can help you manage your daily stress, and create a great Step 2. Cultivate peacefulness. Breath awareness and breath retraining will help, along with becoming aware of negative beliefs and intimacy-blocking self-talk. Learn to slow down, pace yourself, and begin and end your day peacefully. These things are essential to stress management.

Also, practicing forgiveness and compassion lowers your stress. Instead of focusing on all the things your partner does that irritate you, focus on all the things that you admire or are attracted to. Let go of what you can, or deal with it –outside of the bedroom!

Make stress management a priority. Figure out all the things that stress you out and work on them actively – again, outside of the bedroom!

Mindful Communication

Much of this book is about communication. Nowhere is communication more important than talking about sex. Many couples never talk about sex. Good sex is always about safety and comfort and being able to safely and comfortably talk about what you like or don't like, what you want or don't want, and what really turns you on. This open and relaxed communication is essential for true intimacy. If this is a difficult conversation, commit yourself to working on it with your partner. Much of this book is about creating an atmosphere of safety where it's okay to talk about anything and everything, including sex.

It begins with you. According to Chambers and Ulbrick, true intimacy:

“…requires that we become able to fully inhabit our body, to be able to sense and be with whatever we notice there. Only once we become intimate with ourselves, can we hope to become intimate with others."

Become aware of your discomfort with talking about sex. Own it and deal with it!

And don’t forget to listen.

Give Up Your Obsession with Goals.

Couples therapist Diana Richardson, in an excellent TEDx talk: "The Power of Mindful Sex," maintains that a primary reason for the widespread lack of sexual satisfaction is that a great many people perceive sex as a goal oriented experience. According to Richardson:

“In mindful sex… we bring that same quality of awareness, like a meditation into the exchange. The tension is directed inside the body. Your whole body is used as a sensing organ. It's more like you are being sex rather than doing sex, and just as in meditation, as many of you know from your own personal experience, aware, in the here and now, no goals! Let me repeat that – in mindful sex there are no goals, even climax.”

Richardson states that viewing sex as only good if orgasm is achieved, creates performance anxiety and gets in the way of intimacy.

The bottom line – relaxing, letting go of an exclusive focus on "the big O, immersing yourself in your whole body being a sensing and feeling sex organ, and being more mindful about sex, makes you a better sex partner.

Tend-and-Befriend Rather Than Fight-or-Flight

It's really important to be aware of your level of anxiety about sex and during sex. Activating the mammalian tend-and-befriend or caregiver circuits is crucial to connecting with your partner, and directly minimizing your anxiety or fight-or-flight response. Committing to fully and pleasurably connecting to your partner releases oxytocin, the “feel-good” hormone. The goal is to calm down, connect, and focus on a high level of emotional connection and mutual nurturing.

Steps

Here are some steps you can take to slow down and connect during lovemaking:

1. Let go of looking at foreplay as something you simply have to get through in order to get to the main event. Foreplay is not simply the appetizer; if you’re doing it right, it may well be the main course. Foreplay should be about slowing down and connecting to your body with your senses., And being mindfully aware of your body and emotions. You might experiment with breathing with your partner, or gazing into your partner's eyes during lovemaking. Some of our clients have found it helpful to meditate individually or together, prior to lovemaking, focusing on connection and intimacy.

2. Practice breath awareness and notice physical sensations such as the scent of your partner, the softness of their skin, and the warmth of body against body. Guess what? Getting in touch with your body in this manner activates the tend-and-befriend circuitry, releases oxytocin, and catapults you into the ecstasy of mindful sex.

3. Relax! Counter emotional tension or fight or-flight reactivity by focusing on your breathing and taking your distractions off-line. You may have to repeat this again and again, relaxing into tend-and-befriend, and then reconnecting with your partner with your senses, positive emotions, and desire to connect.

4. Don't wait to practice stress management or mindfulness until you're in the middle of lovemaking. Make practicing the many ideas presented in this book a part of your daily routine. You'll find that mindfulness readily translates to ecstasy in the bedroom — and outside as well.

For your convenience we include in this chapter the Choice 9 Self-Assessment which can also be found as part of the overall Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Found in Chapter 9.

CHOICE 9 –MINDFUL SEX SELF-ASSESSMENT

DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your thinking, beliefs, and behavior for the past week and record that number on the following table (Also available on our website: www. Mindfulchoicesforcouples.com), or on the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

Important – do not respond only on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.

Mindful

Total

Divided

Sex

0= not true at all, 1= mostly not true, 2= partially true, 3= largely true, 4=totally true

a. I accept you for who you are and I take responsibility for caring for you and becoming an expert on your physical and sexual needs and how you want to be loved and experience sex. I encourage safe and open sexual interaction and communication. I respond with curiosity and I pursue understanding. I do not respond with defensiveness, or avoidance.