Chapter 2
The Relationship Paradox: Why are we often so bad at getting what we want the most?
Figure 2-1: Mindful choices or mindless autopilot?
This is a chapter about a few of the things that work against you in your relationship. In fact, there is so much working against you that you may wonder why you should bother with a relationship at all since ultimate success is so elusive and there is no guarantee against extreme emotional pain.
Relax? We're not trying to discourage you, and we will provide powerful suggestions for overcoming relationship barriers.
Your relationship is essential to your well-being and we want you to be great at being in that relationship. Our intention in this chapter is simply to acquaint you with some pitfalls so you can be more conscious and intentional and take a more mindful direction. If you know how you might mess up— you don't have to! There is an old Latin saying "Praemonitus praemunitus" which means: "forewarned is forearmed."
You will probably notice that many of the patterns, barriers, and habits discussed in this chapter apply to you. Don’t get distressed and don’t get upset with your partner. It only means that you're both human as virtually all of us experience these things.
Don't conclude that you are in any way defective or incompetent. You're just another fallible, imperfect human being like all the rest of us. It’s the human condition. The good news is that becoming familiar with these problems and the habits that go along with them gives you an opportunity to make meaningful changes. That puts you ahead of all the people (probably most people) who are rather mindless about why things seem to keep going wrong in their relationship. Forewarned is forearmed — and mindful awareness of negative forces and patterns gives you something to work with. Because you are human you will never be perfect at being in a relationship, but this book will guide you toward being a whole lot better.
Nothing you will ever do will be more complicated than being in a relationship. Relationships are difficult and often painful, yet achieving a good relationship is essential to your well-being. We believe each of our clients is an amazing and capable person, yet consistent relationship success is elusive and difficult for almost all of us. Consider a line from Shakespeare:
“What a piece of work is a man, How noble in reason, how infinite in faculties, in form and moving how express and admirable, in action how like an angel, in apprehension how like a God! The beauty of the world, the paragon of animals – and yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me nor woman neither, though by your smiling you seem to say so.”
Hamlet act 2, scene 2, 303-312
Hamlet seems to be saying that although humans may appear to think and act nobly, we are still all too human. Hamlet is expressing his depression to old friends over the difference between the best that we aspire to be, and how we all too often behave. In our relationships we humans often fall short, yet we never stop yearning for so much more.
Nowhere is the difference between the real and the ideal more apparent than in human relationships. The reality is our need relationships for well-being – in fact, for our very survival. It’s like oxygen. It's biologically hardwired. It's in our DNA. It’s a need that defines our species. It's who we are. Yet, we are often not very good at it, at least in the Western world.
It’s the relationship paradox — attachment is a fundamental human need, but conflict, competition, and our need to protect and defend ourselves, often pushes us apart. In an evolutionary sense, we may be more wired for war than for love. Lasting couple intimacy is elusive.
So, what's our evidence for stating that we are not very good at relationships? Well let's take marriage for example. In western cultures we are big on marriage. In fact, more than 90% of us marry by age 50. There are mountains of evidence that marriage can lead to huge benefits in your mental and physical health, and for your children to thrive the ideal is growing up in a happy and secure home, with happy and secure parents. Marriage offers the opportunity for the greatest happiness in life, or the greatest misery, or all too often both.
About 40 to 50 percent of American marriages end in divorce, and the divorce rate for previously married individuals is even higher. Perhaps you have had the experience of walking through a divorce court, or possibly you had the misfortune of going through your own divorce. Almost any day of the week in divorce courts all over America you'll find an army of miserable people who once loved one another, and possibly still do – but they are no longer able to nourish or sustain their relationships.
So, even though the overwhelming majority of us marry— and remarry (hope springs eternal), it's not a very successful institution. In fact, imagine the following scenario:
Someone you trust completely comes to you with an interesting proposition. Should you choose to invest with full commitment and all your energy and resources, there is the opportunity for great happiness for the rest of your life. However, there's a catch. Even though you will have given everything there is only a 50% chance of success. Furthermore, even if your investment isn't an out-right failure, and you're left with only 50% of your investment, half of your ROI, or “return on Investment” will be a huge disappointment. In other words, you have only a 25% chance of realizing the happiness you had hoped for. How about it? Are you eager to invest?
Of course we're talking about marriage. You enter marriage with high expectations, certain that in your case it's going to be different. Romantic attraction and romantic love may in fact be nature’s anesthetic, numbing you to differences that appear insignificant now but are destined to be part of a power struggle in an unforeseen future. Instead, you are easily convinced that this relationship can’t fail. You have found the perfect partner and this is the perfect relationship. You tell yourself: “How lucky! I found the one person on the planet that is just like me. How could I possibly fail? Not me! I'm not going to be a statistic. Our love is different. Certainly, we love each other so much we can't possibly fail. Love is all you need. Right?”
Well, while “Love Is All You Need” it's a great song by the Beatles, it's only a romantic notion and more wishful thinking than reality. The reality is that close to 50% of marriages fail and only half of the other 50% are genuinely happy and would readily marry the same person all over again. That leaves 25% who are quite satisfied with their marriage– not very good odds.
No we're not trying to talk you out of marriage, or being part of a couple, and we don't want to paint an unnecessarily gloomy picture of relationships. We are absolutely pro-relationship. Nothing pleases us more than seeing couples thrive and knowing we are part of their success.
We wholeheartedly believe you can choose to be in the fortunate 25%, and that's what this book is all about. If a couple walks in our door for couple counseling and meets four conditions, the relationship is probably going to get a lot better. So, what are those four conditions?
Four Conditions. Couple counseling will probably succeed if:
1. You love each other or think that you still can (sometimes it's hard to tell with a lot of bad experiences in the way).
2. Each of you wants to find a way for your relationship to succeed. For each of you, it’s a hugely important goal.
3. Each of you is willing to invest substantial time and energy. Each of you is committed.
4. Each of you is willing to take an honest look at yourself and pursue self-awareness and self-management. Each of you is willing to shift the focus to the one part of the relationship you can control – you!
If these four conditions are met, we are fairly certain the relationship is going to greatly improve. However, these “ifs” are not easy and can be major stumbling blocks. All four must be present, and steadfastly strengthened and maintained if there is to be success in couple counseling. We view the fourth condition to be the most important and for many people the most difficult. Helping you be great in mastering the fourth condition is the central purpose for this book.
Having a weak or missing fourth condition is usually the biggest reason for unsuccessful couple counseling. It may be that as much as 80% of the solution lies within you while you continue to think that 80% of the problem belongs to your partner. Thinking you can only get what you want by getting your partner to change will probably backfire and lead instead to increased resentment and resistance. The most dramatic improvement in your relationship requires a shift in focus. What’s required is a rock-solid commitment to Self-awareness and self-management. In other words, personal responsibility and accountability coupled with full awareness (mindfulness) of what you bring to the relationship. This is not easy. Here’s a quote from Aristotle:
"Anyone can become angry – that is easy, but to be angry with the right person, and to the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way – that is not within everybody's power and is not easy."
Aristotle on anger, Nicimachean Ethics
Although this chapter is about many of the obstacles to having a great relationship, we don’t want you to get discouraged. In this chapter and the following chapters you will find solutions.
This book is about relationship self-awareness, awareness based choices, and mindful self-management. Here you will find the tools you need to be a relationship top-performer, and the guidance you need to become highly skilled in using those tools. You will develop mindful awareness of what you bring to the relationship — both strengths and weaknesses. You will discover how to be super-aware of what you are bringing to the relationship in this very moment, in the “now,” able to make emotionally intelligent choices while resisting the pull of destructive choices. You will discover how you’ve been largely on autopilot, playing out old scripts, responding largely out of learned habits and the reactivity that comes with a brain programmed for self-protection. You will learn that old habits need not be forever. More importantly, you'll learn how to systematically practice great choices and rewire your brain for being truly masterful in your relationship. You will learn how to show up as a partner who consistently contributes to a healthy and deeply satisfying relationship.
First however, let's continue looking at how our biology and social learning may set us up for failure. We are driven toward couple relationships, while at the same time often programmed to fail. In this chapter and the following chapters, we will look at human evolution, neuroscience, and attachment theory. We're going to supply answers to the question: “Why are we often so bad at getting what we want the most?” More importantly, in this chapter and later chapters you will find answers to a different question – “How do I become truly masterful at being in relationship?”
Evolutionary Psychology
The goal of evolutionary psychology is to explain mental and psychological traits such as memory, perception or language as adaptations stemming from natural selection. It represents a combination of several disciplines –evolutionary biology, anthropology, cognitive science, cognitive psychology, and the neurosciences. Evolutionary psychology looks at problems faced by our ancestors, struggling to survive in primitive environments, and their adaptations leading to them passing on their genes to future generations.
As stated by Barkow, Cosmides, and Tooby in the 1992 book: “The Adapted Mind:”
“Evolutionary psychology is simply psychology that is informed by the additional knowledge that evolutionary biology has to offer, and the expectation that understanding the process that designed the human mind will advance the discovery of its architecture.”
If you think of the human brain as computer hardware, and the human mind as the software, there may be a problem when we try to adapt prehistoric hardware to modern conditions. Time magazine featured a cover story on August 28, 1995 entitled: “The Evolution of Despair: a new field of science examines the mismatch between our genetic makeup and the modern world, looking for the source of our pervasive sense of discontent.” The essay by Robert Wright stated:
“Whether burdened by an overwhelming flurry of daily commitments or stifled by a sense of social isolation (or, oddly, both); whether mired for hours in a sense of life’s pointlessness or beset by days of unresolved anxiety; whether deprived by long weekends from quality time with offspring or drowning in quantity time with them – whatever the source of stress, we at times get the feeling that modern life isn’t what we were designed for.”
Evolutionary psychology is a very broad field, and deals with almost every aspect of human behavior, interpersonal, intrapersonal, and cultural. In this book, discussion will be limited to human evolution as it affects couple relationships, and we look at why there is often a mismatch between our need for secure emotional attachment, and our ever present need to be safe and protected. In this chapter, we will examine some of the patterns and behaviors that you can readily observe in your own life and in the lives of others – patterns that work against your relationship.
Our evolutionary programming to be safe and avoid pain often works counter to our need to have a safe, secure, stable, emotional connection to another human being.
The Biology of Individual Differences
Perhaps the most important thing for couples to understand, but often the most difficult to accept, is the simple fact that we differ in a great many ways. Couples newly in love often have the illusory belief that they are found their "soulmate," someone who is just like them in every way.
However, sooner or later they have to face the reality that however strong the similarities, there are also huge and important differences. In our work we strive to help couples have a profound respect for each other as unique human beings, and to pursue understanding and accepting one another rather than having to agree.
Let's look at some basic ways our personalities can be quite different.
First however, it's important to keep in mind that while we differ on personality traits, it's never an either/or proposition. Personality traits differ along the continuum and fit a bell-shaped curve. Most people are average on any particular trait. A lesser number is below average or above average.
Personality differences may be genetic, but may also reflect social learning and habit development. Please keep in mind that everything presented here is modifiable with the tools we will provide.
Figure 2-2: The bell-shaped curve
Personality Differences: The Big Five Personality Traits, Plus One More
Researchers who have studied human personality generally conclude that there are five basic personality traits. A trait is defined as an individual psychological characteristic predisposing you to respond in a particular way. It's your inner default mechanism given certain conditions in your environment. Each exists along a continuum following the bell-shaped curve above. The five traits are:
1. Extroversion. The main characteristic of extroversion is sociability. If you are high on extroversion, you enjoy social interaction, are more gregarious, like social events, and look for opportunities to be with people. You tend to be more talkative, more assertive, energetic, active, and dominant than less extroverted people. You also tend to be more positive and cheerful and experience more positive emotions. You may find that you and your partner vary greatly on this dimension. Rather than concluding that you are hopelessly incompatible, there is instead a need to have great communication and a willingness to negotiate.
2. Neuroticism or Emotional Stability. If you are further along the continuum in this trait you experience more negative emotions, insecurity, fearfulness, worrying, vulnerability, and avoidance of risk-taking. You may also tend to overreact to situations and frustrations that other people might consider unimportant. You may be less satisfied with your life as opposed to those who are low on this quality and who display more equanimity. In relationships, you may need more emotional support and you may tend to be rather dependent. As you might expect, people high on the trait tend to have more conflict in their close relationships and tend to have partners who are less satisfied with the relationship. If high on this dimension, you may find individual therapy and training in mindfulness skills to be very helpful.
3. Agreeableness. Again, we're looking at a continuum. In this case, people low on agreeableness are perceived as antagonistic and difficult. They may be inconsiderate and overly critical. If you are high on the continuum, you have a tendency to be kind, helpful, sympathetic, and even empathic. You may also tend to have a positive view of human nature and be more trusting. You try to resolve conflict in ways that are mutually satisfying. You are more cooperative, as opposed to being competitive and even aggressive. This is a quality that can be developed.
4. Conscientiousness. If you are high on this trait you tend to be responsible, dependable, organized, industrious, and persevering. You tend to be someone who is able to make yourself do what you have to do while resisting distractions. In a relationship, you tend to be more satisfied if you're with a partner who is high in conscientiousness. As you might expect, divorce is highly correlated with having a less conscientious partner. Again, this is a quality that can be developed.
5. Openness. This trait is about being open to new experiences and new ideas. It goes along with being more imaginative, less dogmatic, and more curious and open to trying new things. If you are high on this trait, you're more flexible and less traditional or conforming. In relationships, you probably seek out people with the same level of openness. Again, this is a quality that can be developed.
6. Honesty-Humility. A sixth trait has been suggested. If you are high in this trait, you're motivated by honesty, generosity, and fairness. You're someone who keeps commitments, while being humble rather than arrogant. At the low end of this trait are people who are dishonest, greedy, and manipulative. At the extreme low end of the continuum are people who are sociopathic, a condition of indifference to the needs and well-being of others. Once again, this is a quality that can be developed. Those who are truly sociopathic may be the exception.
Personality Differences: Basic Motives
We seem to have three basic motives that direct our behavior either toward or away from possible outcomes. Affiliation Motivation differs from extraversion in that it's about motivation to affiliate and not necessarily the actual interaction which describes extraversion. If you're high in affiliation motivation, you tend to be more agreeable and more willing to do what others are doing. Affiliation motivation in extreme cases may seem clingy and be associated with dependency and insecurity. Couples who are evenly matched in affiliation motivation tend to have happier relationships.
Achievement motivation results in people working hard, staying on task, and working energetically and intensively. In the extreme, Type A behavior is about extreme time urgency, aggressive competitiveness, and struggling to get more done in less time. This may mean a lack of balance and insufficient time for relationships.
Power motivation is about the degree to which you are motivated to have influence and control over other people. This isn't necessarily a bad thing and people with power motivation tend to wind up being in charge of things. There seems to be a tendency for power motivated men to prefer partners who are less motivated by power. Similarly, power motivated bosses tend to prefer employees who are lower on the power motivation continuum. Self-awareness and self-management is necessary to keep this quality from becoming damaging to your relationship.
Emotionality (Negative vs. Positive Affectivity) and Emotion Regulation
Rather than a continuum, these qualities are relatively independent. If you are high in negative affectivity, you have negative emotions more frequently and those emotions are stronger and longer lasting. You experience upsetting events to a greater degree than would be the case with other people. Your judgment is affected and you may be less happy with your job, your social relationships, and your relationship with your significant other or your marital partner. You experience less satisfaction with your life.
Negative affectivity is a strong predictor of low marriage satisfaction. You may be unhappy in your marriage not so much because of what's happening in your marriage, but because of the personality trait of negative affectivity. It's a rather stable trait and tends to last for many years. However, we believe our program can produce positive change with strong intention and practice.
If you are high on positive affectivity you probably get enthusiastic easily and you are generally seen as optimistic and happy. You are probably satisfied with your life in general and have better coping skills than those high in negative affectivity. You're an optimistic problem solver. You tend to be mindful of positive experiences and actively seek out those experiences and consciously prolong positive emotions. For you, happiness is a skill.
Traits that have more to do with Social Learning and Habit Development
- Our preferred Ways of Influencing Others and Getting What We Want
Think about how you try to influence others. Do you take a rational approach and try to persuade them with logic? Do you try to charm them? Do you think in terms of reciprocity and fairness?
On the other hand, do you use less positive approaches such as threats, coercion, or intimidation? Do you attack, use sarcasm, criticize, or give your partner the cold shoulder until they come around? Do you sulk, whine, or feel sorry for yourself until they respond to your needs?
Do you use different influencing tactics in different relationships? For example, would you throw a tantrum in one relationship, while such behavior would be unthinkable in other situations? We all seek to influence others one way or another. How about you?
- Guilt Prone or Shame Prone
- Preferring Anger to Indifference
Guilt is about something you have done while shame is about who you are as a person. Guilt-proneness and shame-proneness are two different personality traits. An important difference is that guilt-proneness is associated with empathy and taking responsibility for one's actions.
We never stop promoting unconditional self-acceptance. If you have a behavior you want to change, go ahead and figure out how to change it. If you feel guilty about something you’ve done, take a realistic look at the changes you need to make to be more in sync with your values. If you have harmed someone or acted in a way that is inconsistent with your values, by all means feel guilty and then fix it. However, don’t take it to the next level and condemn yourself as a human being. Don’t judge your essence as a person as not being enough, or not having worth.
Shame is about judging yourself as a person. Guilt is about something you have done. There is a huge difference. Quoting Brene Brown:
Shame is a fear of disconnection — it’s a fear that something we’ve done or failed to do, an ideal that we’ve not lived up to, or goal that we’ve not accomplished makes us unworthy of connection... Shame is the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.“
We often hear people state that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love anyone else. While that’s not totally true, feeling shame about who you are as a person will definitely get in the way of having a good relationship.
Love and vulnerability go together. Vulnerability is about the likelihood of being hurt, and is fundamental to not only how our brains are constructed to protect us, but how we are conditioned by our experience. Healthy relationships require us to choose to be vulnerable, but that’s often a very difficult and frightening choice. We are sometimes more likely to turn away from relationship, or even against it, in spite of a virtually universal need to connect.
How about you? Has defensiveness, fear and anger taken control? Do you consciously or unconsciously act in a way that runs counter to having a satisfying relationship? Are you ever hurtful to someone you care deeply about?
Yes, we are programmed for connection. However, we are also programmed to protect ourselves and sometimes our need to avoid or lessen emotional pain leads us to defensively hurt the one we care about the most.
We are often asked: “Why is it that I wind up hurting the people I love? Why does it keep happening?” Even more commonly: “How can someone who loves me sometimes seem so indifferent to my feelings or even be cruel?”
Vulnerability comes with having someone in your life who is extremely important to your sense of well-being. You have opened yourself up to them. Your greatest relationship fears are exposed. You have risked being abandoned or controlled. You are hyper-aware of everything they do or say that might have meaning in terms of you being loved or being lovable.
This hypervigilance often leads to being hyper-defensive, self-protecting, dismissive, or avoidant. Even when your partner has no hurtful intention whatsoever, his or her actions can sometimes be interpreted as threatening and hurtful. The person who is the source of your greatest happiness also has the power to be the very same person with the power to bring you your deepest hurt and sadness.
When you love someone, you’re taking a huge risk. Because the other has become so important to your well-being, there is so much more to lose. Therefore, while you may be “cool, calm, and collected” in other relationships, in a love relationship you may find yourself being easily frustrated, disappointed and even deeply threatened. You may find yourself being anxious and insecure, and it’s understandable. If you open yourself to love, you simultaneously make yourself vulnerable to pain.
Perhaps the biggest pain of all is the pain that comes with your partner seeming to be indifferent, experienced by you as the pain of abandonment. All of us human beings have two basic fears when it comes to relationships; we fear being controlled, engulfed, losing our identity or autonomy, and we also fear abandonment. On the one hand, we quite naturally resist control and struggle to preserve our individuality and independence. Abandonment issues and insecurities on the other hand flare-up when we sense our partner is not emotionally connected to us, and that’s an even deeper pain than being on the receiving end of anger and controlling behavior.
“The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference; for at a minimum, to love or hate someone is to have intense emotions toward them.”
Elie Wiesel
It’s very natural to defend yourself against pain, either the pain of being emotionally disconnected from your partner, or the pain of feeling attacked. That defense often takes the form of aggressive or attacking behavior. Sometimes the defense is withdrawal or avoidance.
Consider the lyrics from the song: You Always Hurt the One You Love, recorded by the Mills Brothers on June 22, 1944, a recording that spent 20 weeks on the Billboard best seller chart, peaking at number one. It must’ve resonated with a great many people.
You always hurt the one you love, the one you should not hurt at all; You always take the sweetest rose, and crush it till the petals fall; You always break the kindest heart, with a hasty word you can't recall; So if I broke your heart last night, it's because I love you most of all.
The Mills Brothers
We don't want you to feel guilty or defective. We're all human and you will never be perfect. Sometimes you will be hurtful and sometimes you won't be there when your partner needs you. This chapter is simply about being more aware of negative patterns and tendencies and either heading off destructive behaviors before they happen or responding skillfully and constructively to repair problems that have already occurred.
Before we get to solutions, we need to continue exploring the question: “Why are we often so bad getting what we want the most.” All of Part I is designed to help you understand the forces that work against having a satisfying relationship. Again, don’t be discouraged if you recognize yourself or your relationship in our examples. We’re quite sure you will, but this is necessary. You can’t change anything you are not aware of. Understanding the forces that can undermine your relationship is a vital first step in self-awareness and self-management. Also, keep in mind that we intend to show you how to go from mindful awareness of relationship challenges and opportunities to relational excellence.
Let’s shift our focus from personality characteristics to other ways of understanding things that get in the way of relationship satisfaction.
Driving Forces and Restraining Forces
For many years, Bill has been an MBA professor as well as a psychology professor. Frequently, there are opportunities for cross-fertilization of ideas from very different disciplines. A very useful concept from the world of business is Force Field Analysis, a 1951 concept from Kurt Lewin, a social psychologist. It’s a great change management tool for organizations but we also find it a most valued tool in guiding couple relationships.
Consider the illustration below and think about your relationship. The desired state is keeping love alive, feeling a deep emotional connection, and having the satisfaction of being in a relationship that is safe, committed, and where both of you are meeting your needs. Driving forces are all those conditions and behaviors that promote the ideal relationship. Restraining forces are all the things that get in the way, frustrating you in your need to connect.
We find it very helpful when working with couples to collaboratively identify both driving forces and restraining forces — and to do so without judging or blaming. We want you to objectively understand how your relationship works, and how it can change in a positive direction.
The goal is for you to not only have the intention to achieve the desired state but to become mindfully aware of your moment to moment power to choose actions strengthening driving forces and weakening restraining forces. We want you to be mindfully aware of what’s happening “in the now,” knowing what’s helping the relationship and what’s working against the relationship.
We want you to develop the ability to be self-calming and able to notice opportunities in the present moment to act with emotional intelligence. Just as important, we want you to notice moment-by-moment the pull of old destructive habits, with an increasingly strong ability to turn away from those habits and turn toward great choices. With intention, awareness, daily focus, and systematic practice, you will be able to move the status quo toward the desired state.
Figure 2-3: Force Field Analysis
Of course the ideal is to get both of you thinking this way and not only taking responsibility for working on your own driving forces and restraining forces, but joining together as a powerful collaborative team. However, either one of you can choose to change the interaction, and either one of you can make a huge difference.
You are about to meet Matt and Beverly. We introduced this couple to you in our previous book: Mindful Choices for Well-Being. They are not a real couple of course, but a composite of more than 1000 couples we’ve worked with in our clinical practice. We use stories about Matt and Beverly to illustrate key points and to help you visualize how these concepts function in the lives of real couples.
Matt and Beverly were listening intently as their therapist explained “Force Field Analysis,” a concept that seemed very relevant to their situation. Their therapist went on: “Okay, I want to ask each of you two questions. First, thinking about how satisfied you are with the relationship right now, where are you on a scale from1 to 10 with 1 being very dissatisfied and 10 being highly satisfied? Keep in mind this is not about love or commitment, only the degree to which you would want things to be more satisfying.
Beverly spoke up first. “Well for me, it’s about a 6. There is definitely far more right with this relationship, than wrong with it, but still I would like it to be better. “That’s the same for me,” said Matt. I’d like to see changes, but I’m not going anywhere in the meantime. I love Beverly and I’m committed to the relationship.”
Pleased by the couple’s responses, their therapist continued: “Now for the second question – using the same scale, where would you like to be?” The therapist didn’t have to wait for the answers. Both exclaimed simultaneously – “10!”
Their therapist congratulated them: “Great, look at all this agreement. Neither of you are fully satisfied and both of you want some changes. Let’s assume the status quo on our chart is a ‘6,’ and the desired state is a ‘10.’ Now let’s get to work and take a look at the desired state as a shared relationship vision. We’ll get clear and specific on what you both agree on for your ideal relationship. Then let’s figure out what the driving forces are and what the restraining forces are. This is a team effort. It’s not about a good guy or bad guy. It’s about joining forces to move the goalpost to the right.”
As we have stated, ideally it‘s the two of you taking a problem-solving approach, working collaboratively for positive change, without judgment or blaming. Ideally it’s the two of you against the problem rather than against each other. This is not easy as old habits get in the way.
Let’s take a look at a few restraining forces, the “old habits that get in the way.”
There is a popular story that is often attributed to Native Americans, possibly Lenape or Cherokee. It’s a story of two wolves.
An old Cherokee chief was teaching his grandson about life…
“A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy. “It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves.”
“One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, self-doubt, and ego.”
“The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith.”
“This same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which will win?”
The old chief simply replied, “The one you feed.”
We have often used this story in couple sessions. Like it or not, each of us has both wolves, and we don’t always feed the good one. Furthermore, we are amazingly inconsistent.
Bill recalls his mentor Albert Ellis (the founder of cognitive psychology) stating: “In your entire life only a handful of people will actually love you, and they will do so with nauseating intermittency.” Being in a relationship means being with someone who will disappoint you, irritate you, and sometimes inflict pain or injury. No matter who you are with, you’re with another human. You are dealing with both wolves in your partner — and in yourself as well.
Ladders of Inference
Have you noticed that you can feel totally loved and loving one moment, and completely caught up in fight, flight, freeze, or appease modes the next? Or you may have noticed that a loving partner may angrily want nothing more to do with you within five minutes of wanting closeness.
When you are new to a love relationship, everything seems perfect. It’s hard to imagine being cruel to your partner, or that your partner could be insensitive, and perhaps even mean-spirited.
In the beginning, all is wonderful! You may both have the illusion of being in the perfect relationship. You seem so much alike and you don’t argue. You haven’t yet discovered that you differ in significant ways. These differences are obscured by the joy of new love. Differences seem unimportant and anyway, love conquers all! Doesn’t it?
The reality is that everything changes, including your perception of the “perfect” relationship. Ultimately, you will make the discovery that the two of you can disagree, and in fact can have heated exchanges. It’s often a shock when the bliss of romantic attraction and romantic love gives way to an inevitable power struggle. You may feel betrayed as if your partner has deceived you. How can it be that you can have such difficulty coming together on certain issues? How can it be that your partner just doesn’t get it, doesn’t fully understand your needs or feelings?
You may find yourself in the heat of the moment having very unkind and unloving thoughts and feelings. And your usually loving partner can be angry, distant, and even rejecting. What happened? Where did it go wrong, and what does this mean for the future of the relationship? Insecurities and protections are fueled. Emotional pain is intensified.
We will find answers in social psychology, attachment science, and evolutionary psychology. Our brains are wired for attachment, but also wired for defending, aggression and anger. A concept we’ve found useful in describing how we humans can quickly shift from loving connection to emotional upset and distance is the concept of “ladders of inference.” It has to do with what you observe and how you process those observations.
As your relationship evolves, you start paying more attention to the “little things,” things that didn’t seem so important early in your relationship. Instead of being on your best behavior, you may become more open about thoughts and feelings that run counter to the joyous harmony you experienced in a new relationship. You discover that your partner can be annoying and disagreeable. You start reinterpreting your partner’s behaviors and using labels like difficult, stubborn, uncaring, lazy, weird, or even crazy.
Our brains would be hopelessly overwhelmed by a constant stream of data if we weren’t able to categorize information, relate data to previous experience, infer meaning, make assumptions and draw conclusions, – and add labels. This is how we think and while often useful, this processing of our experience can sometimes get us into trouble as we work our way up our ladders.
Figure 2-4: Ladder of Inference
The following are key assumptions that get you started up your “ladder of inference”
Figure 2-5: Ladder of Inference Assumptions
This concept has relevance for all human relationships, both personal and on-the-job. All of us humans miscommunicate, misunderstand, and misperceive. Communication is complex, and communication under pressure or when faced with a threat, requires unusual skill. Even so, the best communicators among us get it wrong – and not infrequently.
You perceive what’s going on in your own unique way, and more often than you would probably like to admit, you get it wrong. Being human, you, like all the rest of us, have a tendency to deny, distort, and falsify reality, particularly when experiencing strong emotions. Consequently, what you communicate to your partner, and what your partner communicates to you, might be quite confusing. You might recognize yourself in the following:
Your Meanings (a song, author unknown)
You put your meanings in my words
Till my words don't mean what they say
I don't mean you hear just what you want to hear
No, you hear what you think I would say
And when some of your meanings hurt you
Then you get angry at me
And I put my meaning in your bitter tears
And I hate you for hurting at me
But I only wanted you to know me
To see me and hear me as I feel me inside
Laughing easy, crying hard, seldom certain,
always wishing we could fly
But you put your meaning in my words
While my meanings stumble and fall
Our lips are still moving, there is sound in the air
But I don't think we’re talking at all
Communication between two people may seem on the surface to be straightforward and uncomplicated, but nothing could be further from the truth. Unless you are quite good at what we call “mindful relating,” there is plenty of opportunity for your communication to be derailed.
Furthermore, interpersonal problems increase exponentially with strong emotion. In fact, when you are in fight-flight-freeze-appease mode, you’ve lost a lot of IQ points, and your responses are probably not fully rational and objective. Your wolf may have been unleashed.
As you can see by the following chart, when we are threatened we step-by-step work our way up our ladder, predisposed to acting upon long-standing beliefs, often leaping to “knee-jerk” conclusions, and clinging to assumptions based on limited evidence. We add Meanings based upon data we are preprogrammed to pay attention to. Once up your ladder, the “reflexive loop” or feedback loop determines what data you will be selecting to support beliefs you already hold.
Figure 2-6: Ladder of Inference Step-by-Step
We’ve all been there. The conversation starts quite normally, like most conversations. At some point, you or your partner are “triggered.” Emotions such as fear or anger are generated, and increasingly, your emotions are managing you rather than you managing your emotions. You are moving up your ladder.
The following is an example of a hypothetical exchange with Susan. Remember that there is no such thing as a perfect partner and your partner will often disappoint you. In fact, whoever you’re with can sometimes be irritating or annoying. No big deal! However, being human it’s in your nature, in fact in all of our natures, to add meaning to your partners actions, and ultimately you behave accordingly, working your way up your “ladder of inference”
Figure 2-7: Ladder of Inference Example
So, Susan might otherwise be quite loving and attentive. However, like many of us she is somewhat addicted to technology. Observing her with her iPad is nothing more than taking in data, but our human brains can’t leave it at that. We have to add meaning. We tell ourselves stories. We work our way up our ladders, and when we’re at the top of our ladder we will find the evidence to support our beliefs and behaviors via the reflexive loop. We may feel quite secure in the relationship one moment, and the next moment be quite convinced the other person is not to be trusted and may even have evil intent. It’s very human. We all do it. You too?
Let’s again join Matt and Beverly.
“It’s not that we don’t love each other,” said Matt. “It’s just that we have moments when it seems like the love is gone. Those are really difficult times for me, and I’m sure I contribute my fair share of the problem. Sometimes I find myself acting mean and sounding really hateful. It’s not how I want to be, but it seems to keep happening.”
Beverly had been listening as they drove back from dinner at their favorite Italian restaurant. The food had been great as usual and conversation up until now had been light and fun. She hoped now that the conversation had taken a serious turn it wouldn’t erupt into another episode of blaming and defending. Each time the subject was about the relationship, she expected the worst. Well, so far so good she thought. Maybe this can be productive. She took a deep breath and said: “Yes, I know we love each other, but our fights seem to come out of nowhere, and I hate them. When they are happening I’m sure it’s all your fault, but when things cool down, I know it’s just as much me.”
“Yeah, that’s how it goes. We both get to blaming each other.” Matt was determined to find a way to get beyond the fights. He continued: “No one ever wins. I guess in a relationship there is no such thing as win-lose. We either win together, or we both lose, and with these fights we both seem to be losing a lot. In fact, not only do we both lose each time but it’s happening more and more and I’m afraid our relationship is getting damaged. How can we do this differently?”
With Matt’s last question the conversation has become infused with opportunities for positive change. There is a name for communication about communication. It’s “meta-communication,” and a primary characteristic of high-functioning couples. In fact, all couples need to have conversations about their relationship – but to have them without blaming or attacking, and without defending or withdrawing.
Matt was asking the right question: “How can we do this differently?” Part of the solution is learning that there are aspects of our nature that make being in relationship about the most complicated and difficult thing we do.
The concept of "ladders of inference" is extremely useful and we find couples who have learned the concept r entering into a very productive conversation as they examine their assumptions and work their way down there ladders. In the process, couples can discover problems they didn't know existed. For example, Beverly’s comment: “When they are happening I’m sure it’s all your fault,” illustrates a related key concept, The Fundamental Attribution Error.
The Fundamental Attribution Error
This is a tendency most of us have to place far more emphasis on internal or personal qualities when we’re observing other people. What this means is that if I have a problem with you, I’m far more apt to tell myself it’s about your character or your personality, than due to situational factors. For example:
While at a party you’re introduced to George. While you warmly greet George, he barely responds, doesn’t smile, and doesn’t volunteer any information about himself. You tell yourself that George is cold and unfriendly, and probably thinks he’s better than other people. In fact, you’re convinced George is openly contemptuous of others – in this case contemptuous of you. You’re thinking – what a jerk! Only later, after a friend tells you that George is grieving the recent loss of his mother, has been deeply depressed and is usually friendly and outgoing, do you revise your initial impression of George. You’re committed the fundamental attribution error, attributing Georgia’s behavior to George’s personal qualities, rather than his situation.
Think about your couple relationship. Do you sometimes think there’s something wrong with your partner’s personality or character? Be honest. It’s almost universal.
The Self-Serving Bias
A related concept is the self-serving bias. This is a tendency to attribute positive events to your own character, while negative events surely must be because of your situation or external events. For example:
Matt had felt great about the vacation plans. He’d covered all the bases and had put together a great itinerary. What a great planner! Matt told himself he was really good at putting together a dynamite plan. However, all that abruptly changed as he discovered his passport might not be ready in time. Beverly had taken care of her passport months ago and was ready to go. However, Matt was still waiting for the passport he had only recently applied for and time was getting short. Matt thought: What’s wrong with those passport people? Typical bureaucrats! They can’t get anything done on a timely basis. They’re going to screw up our vacation. Matt has demonstrated the self-serving bias. If things go wrong, it’s situational. When they go right, it’s because of my great qualities.
The self-serving bias is also a defense mechanism. It’s a way of protecting your ego and giving yourself a boost in self-confidence. It also absolves you from having to take personal responsibility. This applies to both men and women, but men are more likely to blame outside forces for mistakes or failures.
Of course, we also see the opposite. When people are depressed or have a low level of self-acceptance, they might have a bias toward seeing success as a result of external forces or even luck, being harsh and critical toward themselves when things go wrong.
Trapped by Your “Stories”
Sharon Salzberg in her book: Real Love, The Art of Mindful Connection, writes:
“We are born ready to love and be loved. It is our birthright. Our ability to connect with others is innate, wired into our nervous systems, and we need connection as much as we need physical nourishment. But we’re also born to learn, and from our earliest days, we begin to create our map of the world and our place in it.”
Out of all your past learning from family, culture, and experiences, you create beliefs and stories about whether or not you are worthy of love, about whether others are safe or dangerous, and about what to expect from relationships.
These “stories” are learned and consequently can be replaced by more realistic beliefs and self-talk.
However, destructive and self-defeating stories are often tenaciously maintained and may be part of our evolutionary programming to hold onto bad experiences. We quite naturally have a “negativity bias,” which means we are programmed to have a bias toward negative interpretation of events while remembering the bad stuff more than positive experiences. This is a characteristic that had much survival value in human evolution, but may now be a predisposition that can poison or derail your relationship.
Brenda told herself that no man would be satisfied with her. Despite much evidence to the contrary, she told herself that she was unattractive and boring. She expected men to grow tired of her and leave for more attractive women, a belief often reinforced by the cautionary tales of her single mother. Brenda remembered her mother being hurt and disappointed in relationship after relationship, predicting that the same thing would happen to Brenda if she wasn’t careful. Besides, mother had said Brenda should probably not place much hope on relationships but instead focus on her education and her career. Relationships would be disappointing. Men were always on the lookout for someone more attractive, and were bound to leave at the first opportunity. For Brenda, this story became a central theme in occasional brief relationships, a belief with powerful consequences. It had become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Parataxic Distortion, Transference and Countertransference
Inner peace can be reached only when we practice forgiveness. Forgiveness is letting go of the past and is therefore the means for correcting our misperceptions.
Gerald Jampolsky
Whenever you find yourself reacting to something with a reaction that’s way out of proportion to what’s actually happening, you can bet it’s not so much about what’s happening right now as about past events. One way or another, we all get wounded and we all have a tendency to associate what’s happening at present with old wounds. In psychoanalytic language this is referred to as “parataxic distortion.” Therapists also talk about “transference.” That’s when the client or patient attributes qualities to the therapist that really have to do with past relationships, literally transferring past feelings, conflicts and attitudes to the therapeutic relationship. Similarly, “countertransference” is when the therapist responds to the client’s transference in a reciprocal manner. For example, if a client is childlike and relates to the therapist as a parent, it’s transference. If the therapist responds in a similar manner, but in the opposite direction, acting parental toward the client’s child state, it’s countertransference.
These phenomena happen all the time with couples, usually without their awareness.
Matt wondered why he sometimes reacted so sharply to Beverly’s requests. After all, her requests were quite reasonable. She was always working around the house and sometimes requested help. She might ask him to sweep the deck, or put away the dishes from the dishwasher. There was always plenty to do and she needed help keeping up with it all. Why then did he feel so annoyed when she made a request?
Insight came one Friday morning. Matt was working at his computer composing a letter that was fairly urgent. Beverly passed by and asked: “Have you taken the trash out yet?” That was it. A simple request. Yet, Matt felt rage. His thoughts reflected his anger. Why can’t she leave me alone? Can’t she see I’m busy, why can’t I have any time for me without being interrupted? Matt found himself on the verge of voicing these thoughts out loud but caught himself before reacting.
He thought: Wait a minute! What’s going on here? Matt remembered Beverly commenting numerous times that he had reacted angrily when she asked him to do something, and she had said his response was hurtful! It’s not how I want to be, thought Matt. Why do I get so angry? It’s just a request.
To understand why Matt’s emotional reactions to Beverly’s requests are over-the-top and way out of proportion responses to what are simple and reasonable requests, it’s necessary to understand Matt’s childhood.
Matt’s alcoholic father seemed always irritated by his son. Almost every time he saw Matt he would give him something to do, and it was often something time-consuming and meaningless. If his father was present, Matt really had little time to himself, time to do what he wanted to do. His father would constantly invade Matt’s space and take him away from what he was doing. Consequently, he grew up with rage toward his father, but rage he could never express. Now whenever he’s interrupted and asked to do something else, the same rage surfaces.
It’s parataxic distortion, and it happens one way or another to all of us.
Crossed Transactions
Transactional Analysis is a theoretical orientation that teaches that we all have within us three “ego states.” We all have a parent state, an adult state, and a child state.
The parent state is the incorporation of everything you have learned from your parents about what is right and what is wrong. As a small child you “introjected” the moral values, sanctions and prohibitions of your parents. These qualities then became part of your parent state and you have within you qualities of a punitive parent and a nurturing parent. Whether you are tenderly soothing your partner, or are lecturing or teaching your partner, you’re probably in your parent state.
The adult state is a part of you that deals rationally and realistically with your external environment. When you are engaged in reasonable conversation or dialogue with your partner, you’re in your adult state.
Your child state is a part of you that seeks pleasure and gratification, the part of you that is playful and carefree, and also the part of you that is impulsive and demanding. When you’re throwing a tantrum, sulking, or demanding that your partner pay attention to you, you’re in your child state. You’re also in your child state when you are laughing, being playful, or simply “clowning around.”
Great sex often results from the two of you being in your child states, relaxed, spontaneous, and playful.
Your worst moments together might come when you're both demanding, sulking, or waging a "no holds barred" battle against your partner, possibly with a full-blown "amygdala hijack" accompanied by destructiveness of property and maybe even physical violence.
These ego states are “complementary transactions” such as when someone is in their parent state addressing their partner’s child state while their partner is in his or her child state, addressing their partner’s parent state. It’s a complementary transaction (represented by parallel lines) as it can go on indefinitely until someone gets out of their state. For example, if one person gets into their adult state and stays there, there is a tendency for the other person to join them for an adult to adult complementary transaction. If not, the conversation is going off the rails.
For example, notice the complementary transactions in the following diagram. Parallel lines indicate a complementary transaction while crossed lines indicate miscommunication. Imagine someone in their parent state directing their communication to their partner’s child state, while their partner is doing the same thing. It’s a crossed transaction and sparks are going to fly.
Figure 2-8: Transactional Analysis
Let’s illustrate with another example from Matt and Beverly.
Matt was already to go. The show was at 8 PM and he wanted them to get there early enough to get good seats. As usual, Beverly was taking her time fussing with her hair and makeup. Matt’s irritation surfaced and he began to lecture Beverly. “You know, you really need to work on punctuality. Being late is a very bad habit and you don’t seem concerned at all.” Beverly responded with irritation of her own. “You should talk. You’re the one who pays the bills at the very last moment, and I’ve been waiting weeks for you to clean out the garage.” Matt and Beverly are each stuck in their parent state, directing their parent-like moralizing and lecturing to their partner’s child state. It’s a crossed transaction and can lead to escalating and expanding conflict.
It's a useful concept, particularly when partners can engage in metacommunication and realize that conflicting ego states might be at the heart of the problem.
Schemas
Schemas are patterns of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that usually start in childhood and continue throughout life. They often begin with something done to us by families or others, such as abandonment, excessive criticism, overprotection, abuse, rejection, or being deprived. In some way we were emotionally damaged and the schema became part of how we see the world, and our personal relationship to that world and the other humans in it.
Schemas, when triggered by present distressing events, determine how we think, feel, act, and relate to others, and trigger strong feelings such as anger, depression, fear, or anxiety.
The psychoanalytic concept of “repetition compulsion” describes repeatedly getting drawn into choices and behaviors that don’t work. For example, many of us find ourselves repeatedly drawn into similarly dysfunctional relationships, or clinging to feelings of defectiveness or incompetence, or consistently giving up ourselves for others, or seeing the world as negative and threatening, or persisting in feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, and undeserving, in spite of evidence to the contrary.
When these patterns keep happening over and over again, it’s because powerful and largely unconscious schemas have become part of our way of seeing the world, and our place in it. As such, schemas are difficult to change without increased awareness of the schemas (becoming more mindful), and working to get free of their influence.
The most common schemas are what Jeffrey Young, co-author of Reinventing Your Life calls “Lifetraps.” These include emotional deprivation, vulnerability, subjugation, mistrust and abuse, abandonment, defectiveness, entitlement, dependents, failure, unrelenting standards, and social exclusion.
At the end of this chapter you will find resources for learning more about your schema. This can be an eye-opener and lead to profound changes in in the way you relate your partner, and to others.
Experiential Avoidance:
Closely related to schemas, experiential avoidance is your attempt to avoid distressing internal experiences such as unwanted thoughts, unpleasant feelings, distressing memories, sensations, or other private events.
Generally, trying to avoid these unpleasant experiences, or trying to escape them or control them, leads to more difficulties in the long run. Current research indicates that various forms of psychopathology are in reality maladaptive strategies for managing unpleasant internal experiences. Certainly, avoidance of unpleasant inner experiences can lead to a host of relational difficulties.
Janice grew up in a highly contentious and unstable home environment. Conflict was ever present and often escalated to physical violence. This was terrifying to a young child and Janice lived in constant fear of new conflict. As a result, Janice shuts down emotionally at the mere hint of anger. When George, her husband, is irritated and raises his voice, Janice is flooded with anxiety. She virtually always stops talking and withdraws. She may seem outwardly calm but on the inside she’s awash in stress hormones and her heart is racing. Meanwhile, George, who grew up the youngest child in a large family where he always felt ignored, is triggered by Janice’s silence. He readily feels ignored and invalidated, and responds by raising his voice and becoming even more animated – and Janice feels even more threatened.
Mind Wandering
You can’t change anything you’re not aware of. Furthermore, you can’t change anything without clear intention, full awareness, sustained focus, and practice.
That’s really the problem. While these qualities are the essence of our program for high quality intentional and conscious relating, they don’t come easily for us humans We like to think we are aware and purposeful but actually we’re on autopilot, acting out of habit or having wandering minds, much of the time. As we stated previously, 40% or more of what we do, say, think, and feel is habitual and rather mindless. Furthermore, even when we are fully awake and not operating out of habit, our minds are wandering almost half of the time.
Have you found yourself studying for a test or working on a report with your mind constantly drifting to other matters, perhaps regrets about the past or worries about the future? Have you ever driven a distance with absolutely no recollection of the drive? Has someone complained that while they are trying to talk to you, you seem to be someplace else?
In teaching meditation, we ask our clients to focus on their breathing. Often they find this focus incredibly difficult to maintain over time. They complain that their minds keep wandering to other things. We tell them that this is what Buddhists call a “monkey mind,” and that it’s quite natural. We all have one. We ask our clients to simply notice that their minds have drifted and to gently bring their focus back to their breath. It’s actually very useful in developing the ability to stay focused and pay attention.
An interesting piece of research was conducted by psychologists Matthew A Killingsworth and Daniel T Gilbert of Harvard University, and published in the journal Science. In an article entitled “A human mind is a wandering mind, and a wandering mind is an unhappy mind,” the researchers concluded that people spend 46.9% of their awake hours focusing on something other than their present task. The researcher further concluded that such mind wandering usually makes people unhappy. The researchers concluded: “The ability to think about what is not happening is a cognitive achievement that comes at an emotional cost.”
This is one disadvantage that comes with our oversized human brain. Unlike animals, we humans have the ability to ruminate about things that have happened in the past, or to spend a lot of time thinking about things that haven’t happened yet, and may never happen.
Killingsworth and Gilbert conclude that this mind wandering is the default mode for the human brain.
According to Killingsworth: “Mind-wandering is an excellent predictor of people’s happiness. In fact, how often our minds leave the present and where they tend to go is a better predictor of our happiness than the activities in which we are engaged.”
The ability to counter this natural tendency to mind wander is crucial to being masterful in your relationship. Fortunately, the cultivation of mindfulness skills provides a solution, and this practice and discipline is a keystone quality of our method.
The “Soulmate Fallacy”
We can imagine “soulmates,” although they’re relatively rare. Once in a while we see a couple that seem made for each other, both securely attached, both possessing superb communication skills, both being great at emotional self-regulation, and both having had parents that were the ideal parents.
You’re probably thinking: “What? There is no such couple.” Actually, soulmate couples probably exist, but you won’t run into them every day and perhaps you don’t know any that fit the description. They are relatively rare!
However, most of us fall in love convinced we have found our “soulmate,” someone who is a perfect partner. Later you find yourself in an inevitable power struggle with the discovery that you’re paired up with someone who can be quite different from the vision, and often unexpectedly difficult. Disappointment, frustration, and confusion! You may feel cheated, deceived, or angry. Your partner isn’t who you thought they were. They aren’t whom they led you to believe they were. Maybe your true soulmate is still out there somewhere.
You may find yourself expressing disappointment, even complaining about your partner’s character or personality. You may find yourself trying to convince them that they need to try harder to fit your “soulmate” vision. Perhaps you can get the love you want if your partner will just get back to being who they are supposed to be. Wasn’t that the deal?
Of course, in the meantime, you might be blissfully unaware that your partner is having the same thoughts. Or perhaps you’re both engaged in a game of “What about you?” The game is called “whataboutism,” a game you often see played in politics. This is where one partner’s complaint is met with: “What about you? You always…” You might each be investing a lot of time and energy in defending or trying to fix one other. We call your partner improvement project “The Pygmalion Agenda,” attempting to change them back to your soulmate vision.
The Pygmalion Agenda
In ancient Greek legend, Pygmalion was a brilliant young sculptor on Cyprus. Pygmalion could not accept the women in the city due to their imperfections, so he undertook the sculpting of the ideal woman, perfect in every way. Ultimately, he created a statue so exquisite that he fell passionately in love with his creation. However, despite lavishing love and attention on the statue, Pygmalion was deeply depressed that the “perfect woman” he created, could not return the love he so desperately desired.
We often see our clients re-creating the role of Pygmalion. Rather than accepting the all too human flaws and imperfections of a human partner, they set about on a mission to sculpt their partner into their vision of the ideal partner. The irony is that they are often trying to change the very things that initially attracted them. The differences that once seemed so appealing are now seen as imperfections that need fixing (even though many of these imperfections are in actuality reflections of ourselves). There is one huge problem with undertaking a journey to change your partner — it doesn’t work!
Here’s the paradox as we see it:
Work very hard to change your partner --and you will only succeed at getting back resistance and resentment. Work relentlessly on knowing and changing yourself and you will have tremendous influence over your relationship.
Mistaking Passion and Drama for Love
Have you ever felt like your relationship was an emotional roller coaster? relationships are often about one partner (or both partners) having anxiety and insecurity in response to the other partner’s confusing messages that are seen as signals of uncertainty, unavailability, or lack of commitment or love. You may find yourself cycling back and forth between relationship anxiety and relationship satisfaction – and the drama and passion can be addictive.
Is it real love if it's not dramatic, and at times contentious and unstable? Is it necessary to have bad times in order to enjoy the good times? Is peacefulness boring? Do you need to keep testing it to prove to yourself it’s real?
Real love should be peaceful and satisfying, not the emotional roller coaster that is sometimes mistaken for love.
Sarah is drawn to “bad boys.” She’s intrigued by Duane who rides up on his Harley, drinks too much, has trouble holding a job, and keeps her forever guessing about his intentions. Meanwhile, the caring and attentive young accountant Sam, who is stable, ambitious, and family-oriented is seen as boring. She’s addicted to the drama and thinks that love and passion has to be exciting and tumultuous to be real.
Sometimes partners expect the occasional bursts of intense passion to be a constant state, or least readily available whenever we want it. Unfortunately, a real-life relationship has great variation in intensity and passion.
As stated by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller in their book Attached, The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find and Keep Love:
“After living like this for a while, you start to do something interesting. You start to equate the anxiety, the preoccupation, the obsession, and those ever-so-short bursts of joy with love. What you’re really doing is equating an activated attachment system with passion.”
Mismatched love languages?
Gary Chapman, author of “The Five Love Languages” states:
“At the heart of humankind’s existence is the desire to be intimate and be loved by another.”
Chapman asks: “Could it be that deep inside hurting couples exists an invisible ‘emotional love tank’ with its gauge on empty? Could the misbehavior, withdrawal, harsh words, and critical spirit occur because of that empty tank? If we could find a way to fill it, could the marriage be reborn? With a full tank would couples be able to create an emotional climate where it is possible to discuss differences and resolve conflicts? Could that tank be the key that makes marriage work?”
Chapman maintains that each of us has his or her own primary love language, an emotional love language that we’re familiar with and one that we express quite naturally to our partner. The problem is that our partner might have a different love language. If you only knew English and your partner only spoke Mandarin Chinese, communication might be quite difficult. Similarly, if you are using the wrong emotional love language, your partner might be confused and his or her “love tank” might not be getting filled. In fact, it might be quite empty. Chapman goes on to state:
“Once you identify and learn to speak your spouse’s primary love language, I believe that you will discover the key to a long-lasting, loving marriage… Most of us will have to put forth the effort to learn a secondary love language. We cannot rely on our native tongue if our spouse does not understand it. If we want them to feel the love we are trying to communicate, we must express it in their primary love language.”
The five love languages are: Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, Receiving Gifts, Acts of Service, and Physical Touch.
We have found this concept quite helpful in our own marriage. Bill’s primary love language is Words of Affirmation while Robin’s primary love language is Acts of Service. Bill loves hearing positives while Robin would like help around the house. When we stretch to learn and practice a secondary language, the primary love language of our partner, the results are dramatic and relationship affirming. We think you will find Gary Chapman’s book to be very useful and we highly recommend it.
Fear of Vulnerability
Brene Brown in her book Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Love, Parent and Lead, states:
“Vulnerability is the core of all emotions and feelings. To feel is to be vulnerable. To believe vulnerability is weakness is to believe that feeling is weakness. To foreclose on our emotional life out of the fear that the costs will be too high is to walk away from the very thing that gives purpose and meaning to living.”
She contends that embracing vulnerability is essential to well-being and growth, yet many see vulnerability as a weakness, something that is not acceptable. Many believe that being vulnerable means letting others see you as an emotional mess, while going it alone is strength.
To love is to be vulnerable. Loving means risking rejection. Loving means facing the uncertainty that you may be hurt. Not allowing yourself to be vulnerable means turning your back to loving and being loved. Can you imagine your life totally safe but also totally alone?
Habitual Patterns and Cycles
We often tell our couples that we are not looking for a good guy or a bad guy. Our job is to look for habitual destructive patterns, and then help the couple understand these patterns that have evolved in their relationship. The next step is to help the couple join forces in overcoming those patterns, collaboratively, without judging or blaming one another. One very simple concept that is very useful to couples is the Betari Box.
Figure 2-9: Betari Box
You may find it rather easy to get defensive or “touchy” when you perceive you’re being criticized or judged. You might even try to conceal it, responding by simmering and bristling inwardly. Unfortunately, even if you don’t respond overtly, your body language may give you away. Your defensive or reactive attitude will be reflected in your nonverbal behavior. Research tells us that we pay far more attention to nonverbal cues, even when we’re not fully aware of them. Often however, your attitude will be communicated verbally.
Your partner may then have a reactive “attitude,” perceiving that you’re being difficult, and consequently finding it hard to listen to you or accept your ideas. Your partner’s behavior may consequently convey defensiveness and even be rude and negative. Again, nonverbal cues are even more important than verbal, and you may then become even more defensive in turn. You might not want to talk further to your partner. Your behavior might reflect a stress response and some variation of flight, flight, freeze, or appease; in other words fighting, withdrawal, or becoming passive or nonresponsive. And then once again your partner is reacting to your reaction to their reaction, and so on, on and on, a cycle that continues until someone quits in anger and frustration.
As the cycle is repeated, there is increasing damage to the relationship.
So, in a flash you have found yourself caught up in a cycle of conflict and neither you nor your partner can see an easy way out. Being able to map this pattern together, without blaming or judging one another, is a step toward building more constructive interacting.
While there are positive patterns of turning toward your partner with interest, willingness to listen and learn, empathy and understanding, there are also many destructive patterns. A very common pattern we’ve seen in couples is something we call the “Magpie- Mole Syndrome.” This is where one of you deals with conflict by turning away, becoming a “distancer,” which then becomes a trigger for the other person to become a “pursuer.” Here’s how it looks graphically:
Figure 2-10: Magpie-Mole Syndrome
We humans have two basic fears when it comes to relationships. You do too. We’re quite sure you fear being controlled, suffocated, losing your identity, or your independence. You also fear being abandoned, cast-off, or no longer needed. If you choose to be in a relationship, you choose to be vulnerable and risk either being controlled or being abandoned.
Like everyone else, you have both fears, and when operating out of one fear, it’s easy to trigger the opposite fear in your partner. Tomorrow you might be triggered once again but this time you may find yourself operating out of the other fear.
John Gottman’s Six Destructive Patterns
Couples tend to argue in predictable patterns, some of which are very destructive to the relationship. Psychologist and relationship researcher John Gottman, in a study of over 2000 couples, found that divorce could be predicted with over 90% accuracy after just one brief couple interview.
In fact, the outcome of any particular conversation can be predicted on the basis of what happens in the first three minutes. If a couple begins with what Gottman calls "harsh startup" the discussion will end badly 96% of the time.
Gottman maintains that there are six predictive factors leading a couple toward a poor relationship. These are:
1. Poor Conflict Communication Skills
Discussions characterized by disrespectful behavior and partners angrily attacking with their emotions rather than describing them often are an indication of what individuals have learned about the right way to deal with conflict.
2. The Four Horseman of the Apocalypse
Gottman identified four habitual behaviors that can put a couple on the road to divorce. He called these behaviors “The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse.” These are:
Criticism: You are using this pattern when you perceive the problem as being about a defect in your partner’s character or personality. In an attempt to make your partner wrong you use phrases such as “You always…” or “You never…” or “What’s wrong with you?”
It's important to distinguish between criticism and a complaint. The complaint is about needing a change in your partner's behavior. Criticism is about your partner being defective.
Contempt: Gottman considers this habitual behavior to be the best predictor of a relationship ending. You’re using this behavior when you are talking down to your partner and attacking his or her sense of self. Your intention is to inflict emotional pain. It’s emotional abuse.
Stonewalling: You are stonewalling when you avoid conflict by withdrawal, under-responding or abrupt, terse replies. While withdrawing, you may seem calm, but Gottman found there is a marked increase in heart rate and stress hormones.
Defensiveness: This behavior seems universal. You may perceive yourself to be a victim and respond by protesting your innocence, staging a counterattack, or whining about the unfairness of it all. It’s deflecting blame onto your partner or someone or something else.
Do you recognize any of these behaviors. We’re betting you do. We see them to some degree in virtually all the couples we work with. When extreme, we know the relationship is in dire need of help.
3. Emotional Flooding
We've all been there. Flooding is being in fight or flight mode, and feeling overwhelmed. When you're flooded you're prone to having an "amygdala hijack" with your emotions managing you rather than you managing your emotions.
4. Your body's responses to flooding. Your pulse rate goes over 100 bpm, your blood pressure increases and you release stress hormones such as adrenaline. These physical changes are so unsettling that it becomes extremely difficult to continue a productive conversation that feels safe.
5. Repair attempts that either don't happen or are ineffective.
When your partner tries to get things back on track, do you hold onto defensiveness or continue to withdraw? Do you attempt to reduce tension and increase cooperation? Is a repair attempt by either one of you met with a positive response from the other? Failed repair attempts invariably lead to an unpleasant outcome.
6. Bad relationship memories. When our couples have difficulty remembering good times but remember far too much of a bad history together, it's going to take a lot of hard work to get things on the right track.
Habitual Fighting Styles
Here are some common fighting styles. See if you recognize yourself in any or all of them.
Fight/Fight: Neither of you will give in. There is a tendency to talk at each other rather than with each other. Both of you are angry and aggressive.
Fight/Defend: This is a vicious cycle. The more one of you attacks, the more the other defends, which makes the attacker even more agitated.
Fight/Flight: Here one of you is attacking and the other is withdrawing. Withdrawal is often experienced as abandonment which leads the attacker to be even more upset, fearful, and angry.
Flight/Flight: This is a pattern where both of you are moving away from one another. Some couples tell us that they never fight. We don’t see this necessarily as a positive. If it’s just avoidance of conflict, your relationship will not experience the possible growth that often comes with couples addressing conflict head-on, but respectfully.
Insecure Attachment Styles (Susan Johnson)
Early learning led you to have certain beliefs about how people are likely to respond to you, and how worthy you are of being loved, and anxiety about relationships may have developed in your relationships to your earliest caretakers.
Like a great many adults, you may be particularly vulnerable to attachment related anxiety. Attachment is a crucially important subject in understanding your couple relationship and we will continue to emphasize attachment in subsequent chapters where we will guide you to an understanding of secure attachment, and how you get it.
The following chart illustrates four adult attachment styles according to Susan Johnson, a founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy. Of course, we want everyone to be securely attached but the most common pattern we see is for one person to be anxiously attached with a partner who is avoidantly attached. We have previously referred to this as the Magpie/Mole Syndrome.
Figure 2-11: Adult Attachment Styles
In the demand/withdraw cycle illustrated below, Jane is insecure anxious and questions Sam's love and commitment. Sam is insecure avoidant and finds all this emotional stuff very distressing. Jane is stuck in reactive anger while Sam is stuck in shutting down and being numb.
Figure 2-12: Disconnection
Taking a deeper look at the demand/withdraw cycle, you can see that Jane is the anxiously attached pursuer whose autopilot response is to be attacking, critical, and complaining. She believes Sam doesn't care about her. Her surface emotions, or secondary emotions are frustration and anger while the deeper feelings are her fear of abandonment, sadness, and emotional pain. Her unmet attachment needs are to fully feel loved, needed, and important to Sam.
Sam on the other hand is anxious avoidant with a knee-jerk reaction of avoiding conflict, escaping difficult emotions, and shutting down. He fears he isn’t good enough and sees Jane as controlling. His secondary emotions are frustration, anger, and simply being numb. His deeper emotions have to do with his fear of failure, his feeling of rejection, his sadness, and his disappointment in himself and in the relationship. His unmet needs? Guess what? His needs are the same as Jane’s, to be loved, needed, and an important part of his or her partner’s life.
The crucial ask for both Jane and Sam is the development of self-awareness and the ability to self-manage constructively. They each need to be fully aware of their destructive cycle and together practice calmly dealing with deeper emotions and unmet attachment needs. They each need to develop mindful and empathic listening skills along with allowing themselves to be vulnerable, co-creating a climate of mutual respect and safety.
Of course there are other cycles as well. There is a danger that Jane will give up pursuing and shut down emotionally. At that point we would have a withdraw/withdraw cycle.
Another possibility is Sam reacting angrily with all of his pent-up frustration and resentment. If Jane responds in kind, open conflict could become quite destructive . At that point we might have an attack/attack cycle.
Figure 2-13: A Habitual response Cycle
Our solution would be to teach Jane and Sam to recognize their cycle and to join forces in changing it. Of course, if a couple has been locked in the destructive cycle for a considerable period of time, change is very difficult.
We provide daily practice and plenty of homework aimed at mindful awareness and a team effort for bringing about positive changes. It needs to be Jane and Sam against the cycle instead of Jane and Sam against each other.
A huge milestone would be the development for each of a "mindful pause," the creation of a space between stimulus and response. With practice Jane and San can learn to suspend their habitual responses and instead turn toward one another with empathy, compassion, and relationship enhancing choices.
Figure 2-14: The Mindful Pause
Ego Depletion
Ego depletion is the idea that self-control or willpower depends upon a limited pool of energy and mental resources. When your energy for mental activity is low, your self-control is typically impaired, hence a state of ego depletion.
This has particular relevance for modern-day couples in a high-stress environment, managing multiple difficult tasks before finally reconnecting, often in a state of physical and mental exhaustion.
Relationships are incredibly complex and sometimes we've left our best self-management behaviors at the office.
The topic of ego depletion is central to our next topic.
“Step Two is Missing”
Figure 2-15: Three Steps
Ralph and Ellen were unhappy in their love life, specifically what each perceived to be a loss of affection and sexual intimacy. Each blamed the other. Ellen complained that Ralph was always tired. Ralph complained that Ellen was always preoccupied by the needs of the kids. They seemed at an impasse and quite unhappy. That's when Bill began asking them questions about the other parts of their lives, the times when they weren't together as a couple. Soon it became quite clear – both of them were extremely busy, stressed out, and depleted. They were like two ships passing in the night, usually missing each other and unaware that the other was having the same feelings.
That's when Bill presented his idea about "The three steps." He began: "Imagine if you will three steps. The first step is your day-to-day life, working hard, taking care of the kids, trying to earn a living, pay the bills, keep the household going, etc. The third step is everything you’re craving. It's affection, quality time together, laughing and having fun, passion, and great sex. Now imagine going from step one to step three. What is that like?
It didn't take long for a response. "That pretty much sums it up," said Ralph. "It's so hard to switch gears after a long day at work." Ellen responded: "Yeah, Ralph doesn't seem to understand that when he finally gets around to wanting closeness, I still have three more loads of laundry to do."
Bill jumped in: "What's missing? You'll remember I asked you only about step one and step three. Like a lot of couples, there isn't much going on at step two, and moving from step one to step three is awfully hard. In fact, it's very unlikely. So, what do you think is going on in step two?"
This led to a great discussion about ego depletion and the missing step two. Both Ralph and Ellen quickly saw that what was missing was quality time together, playfulness, joking around, sharing their innermost thoughts, and just connecting, one-on-one. They realized that they had let life get in the way, and that even though it was quite difficult, they had to be creative. Step three could take care of itself if there was a solid step two. This was the beginning of a very productive dialogue.
How about you? Do you suffer from ego depletion? How's your "step two?"
“Bird Walking”
The therapist listened patiently as Matt and Beverly exchanged grievances. “I’m not getting any cooperation in the household chores,” said Beverly. Matt responded: “You know how busy I’ve been. I really could use some help with our office paperwork.” Beverly, looking exasperated, replied: “What about helping me more? You could do more about taking the kids to their events or helping them with their homework.” Matt, becoming louder, exclaimed: “Me, you still haven’t given me your input on our vacation plans and we’re running out of time.”
“Okay,” said the therapist. I’m getting confused. I’ve heard several topics and I can’t tell what the subject is. What is the subject anyway?”
Both Matt and Beverly looked perplexed. Matt spoke up: “I really don’t know. This is our typical conversation whenever there is an issue we don’t agree upon. More things get pulled into the discussion.” Beverly agreed: Yes, our talks are all over the map and we don’t seem to accomplish anything.”
Therapist: “It’s something we call ‘bird-walking,’ a term we borrowed from kindergarten teachers trying to control a roomful of five-year-olds. We’ve never met a couple yet that can multitask issues. Dealing with more than one issue at a time is simply too much for us humans to deal with. The goal is to develop the discipline to stick to one issue, stay calm and non-defensive, and pursue understanding. Of course, you have to develop the mindful awareness ability to catch yourselves bird-walking and agree on the topic – one topic – that you’re discussing.
Judging – Responding in Terms of Rightness or Wrongness
“Out beyond ideas of wrong-doing and right-doing there is a field, I’ll meet you there.”
The 13th century Persian Sufi poet Rumi.
We live in a world where we are programmed to see one another’s behavior as about right or wrong, deserving to be rewarded or punished. We often communicate in impersonal, moralistic judgments. Many couples tend all too often to focus on classifying one another’s degree of wrongness rather than practicing behaviors that affirm one another and contribute to building a relationship.
Marshall B. Rosenberg, author of Nonviolent Communication: a Language of Life, states:
“It is my belief that all such analyses of other human beings are tragic expressions of our own values and needs. They are tragic because when we express our values and needs in this form, we increase defensiveness and resistance among the very people whose behaviors are of concern to us. Or, if people do agree to act in harmony with our values, they will likely do so out of fear, guilt, or shame because they concur with our analysis of their wrongness.”
Rosenberg goes further to state that we pay a high price when people respond to our values and needs out of fear, guilt, or shame. When our partner experiences our judgment as internal or external coercion and responds with lowered self-esteem or resentment they are far less likely to give us what we need or respond with compassion to our needs and values in the future.
Choosing Non-Accountability and Defensiveness as a Conscious Strategy
While many of the behaviors we’ve discussed are habitual and unconscious, we also encounter partners who value winning at all costs and employ denial of responsibility and well- practiced defensiveness as a conscious strategy. Virtually nothing is their fault and they rarely if ever apologize. Their goal is to make the other person feel wrong, and get them to comply or back off. Sometimes such behavior is characteristic of being sociopathic or narcissistic, but more often what’s indicated is a history of being bullied or controlled, and they quite consciously choose a strategy of never backing down, never withdrawing, and never giving away points in what they see as a contest in wills. Such behavior is absolutely unfortunate if you want to have a happy relationship, in fact, if you want to be in a relationship at all.
Summary
We have looked at a few patterns, behaviors, and habits that get in the way of having a successful relationship. There are many more. We chose to highlight a few of the ones you are most likely to recognize. It may seem that the odds are against you, and in fact if you look at marriage statistics, that may be the case. However, don’t be discouraged. You can choose to be among those who are really good at being in relationship, thereby greatly increasing the probability of relationship success.
Knowing how not to be successful is a necessary first step. Next comes the development of mindful awareness and a process for rewiring your brain that we call “habitualizing.” This step-by-step programming for relationship success is what this book is all about
This chapter was about a first step, understanding the pitfalls. We took a look at just a few of the ways we fall short at getting and keeping the couple relationship we desire. We believe it is helpful for couples to have a good working knowledge of very human “restraining forces,” such as those discussed here.
With training in mindfulness skills and cultivation of the ability to be mindfully aware in the moment, you will find yourself able to make great choices in the “here and now.” With repetition those great choices become great habits. With great foundational habits, your brain will be freed up to deal with inevitable relationship issues, many of which are quite complex. Instead of responding from a need for protection, you’ll find yourself habitually responding with caring, understanding, and empathy.
In other words, you have it entirely within your power to develop the qualities that lead you to be masterful in your relationship. When your relationship is going well, and you feel confident that you can handle whatever relationship issues come up, you will have achieved a major component of well-being – that is, provided you have added one more ingredient, a choice we refer to as “the crucial choice.”
The Crucial Choice and a Look Ahead
You’ve been reading about personality differences, behaviors, habits and patterns that work against you in your relationship. However, knowledge alone is not enough. The most important thing for you to get from this book is an unwavering commitment to continue to develop your self-awareness and self-management. Being masterful in a relationship is not only about what you know. It’s not about changing your partner. It’s not about winning, and it’s not about protecting yourself. It’s an “inside job.” It’s the one “crucial choice” that is indispensable in helping your relationship work
Earlier we looked at Force Field Analysis and its application to couple relationships. Consider embracing “The Crucial Choice” and making the following pledge:
Figure 2-16: The Crucial Choice
Being masterful in your relationship is all about choosing self-awareness and self-management. This book will not work for you without making this most crucial choice.
Again the question: “Why are we often so bad at getting what we want the most?” In other words, why is it so difficult to get rid of the “wolf of hate?” We have the answers!
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