Chapter 4

“If you believe you can change—if you make it a habit—the change becomes real. This is the real power of habit: the insight that your habits are what you choose them to be. Once that choice occurs—and becomes automatic—it’s not only real, it starts to seem inevitable.”                                                                                                                 Charles Duhigg, 

                                                            The Power of Habit: Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

 Love is Not Enough!

Typically, the couples we work with love each other. That's usually not the problem. In spite of love and commitment, they frequently find themselves with intense disagreement and conflict, frustration, confusion, emotional turmoil. Clearly, love is not enough, and the pathway to lasting emotional connection and satisfaction can seem elusive or altogether blocked. Consider for example Matt and Beverly once again as they discuss “dueling monologues.”

Matt and Beverly had long dreamed of remodeling their house. The problem, as many couples discover, was that although they both were excited about the remodel, when they closed their eyes and tried to envision the changes, it was a total mismatch. Matt wanted new carpeting and painting throughout. Beverly wanted to tackle the kitchen first. The devil is in the details as they say, and Matt and Beverly soon found themselves getting heated, with their discussion teetering on the verge of a runaway argument.

"Wait a minute," said Matt. "Aren't we getting into one of those cycles we talked about in therapy. You know, the kind of go-nowhere thing where we get louder and louder, talk over each other, and we each get locked into defending our position at all costs. What did our therapist call it?"

Beverly had slowed down. She still wanted to talk about the kitchen, but realized that they had been talking at each other, with neither showing much willingness to hear what the other wanted to say. "She called it a 'dueling monologue.,' and she said it's a trap most couples fall into."

Matt responded: "Yeah, that's it, a 'dueling monologue.' I like that expression. That pretty much sums it up. It’s ‘he said, she said.’ It’s back and forth, round and round and who knows where it’s going to end up. When we get going like this, there’s no winner and we each come away feeling stressed, angry, and convinced the other doesn't care enough to listen."

"I remember something else," said Beverly. "Our therapist said you're not really listening unless you're willing to be influenced and possibly changed by what your partner has to say. That means you can't be rehearsing what you're going to say and waiting for an opening. You’ve got to be really focused on what your partner is saying and listening for something that might help you see things differently, or perhaps change your point of view altogether. I guess that's hard to do."

"Yeah," said Matt. "It's definitely hard to do. We each have a lifetime of habits taking us in a different direction. Can we work on this together?"

“Habitualizing”: A Process for Developing Powerful Foundational Skills

It’s about choices, but it’s also about habits. Fully 40 percent of everything you do is a habit, and you have good ones and bad ones. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. What we aim to do is help you develop strong, positive, “foundational” relationship habits, thus freeing up your brain’s energy for more complex challenges and choices requiring psychological flexibility and creativity.

Bad relationship habits are the norm. Most people are “mindless” when it comes to relationship issues, either struggling to figure out how to respond in the moment, or responding with habitual and destructive “knee-jerk reactions.”

Your brain is literally the most complicated thing in the universe. It’s truly amazing, but it’s also easily overwhelmed by strong emotion, and we’ve all experienced overwhelming emotions in difficult relationship situations. That’s when you’re likely to get caught up in “fight, flight, or freeze,” and find yourself shifting to a protective stance. Repetition of protective behaviors readily steadily leads to protective habits that work against having a great relationship. Most damaging are habitual behaviors of being overly defensive or reactive. If you are like most people dealing with interpersonal issues, your brain struggles with conflict-generated anxiety and confusion. For example:

Harry sat in Bill’s office looking rather bewildered. “I never know quite what to say,” said Harry, recounting an incident that happened earlier that morning. “We were having breakfast, and suddenly, out of the blue, Sue was angry. Here I was, just eating my oatmeal, when she started in on me. She said we never do anything together anymore. I didn’t know what to say. I froze, struggling to quickly figure out how to respond. Should I give examples of where she was wrong? Would that trigger more anger? Should I change the subject? Should I tell her I’m late for work? I didn’t know what to do. I only knew that, once more, I was feeling a lot of anxiety. I felt stuck, so I did nothing but sit there feeling super uncomfortable—like a deer caught in the headlights.”

Harry’s example is precisely why we have developed a blueprint for “habitualizing” foundational relationship behaviors. We want our clients to be solving complex relationship problems, not struggling to make basic decisions on how to respond in the moment, or responding with preprogrammed, negative, relationship-destroying reactivity. In regard to basic decision-making, your brain shouldn’t have to be wasting energy deciding the following:

• Do I listen reactively, or do I listen attentively?
• Do I attack with my feelings or do I just describe them?
• Do I defend, or do I listen with openness and willingness to learn?
• Do I let loose my emotions or do I first calm myself down?
• Do I turn against my partner or do I turn toward him or her with empathy and understanding?
• Do I focus on the negative, or do I look for the positive?
• Do I just go for it, or do I remember to be mindful?

Almost all of us have been wounded in past relationships, and almost all of us, if not all of us, have learned to protect ourselves from the pain of being wrong, humiliated, rejected, or abandoned. In the above seven bullet statements, many people will find themselves habitually responding with the first choice. In fact, it may not be a "choice" at all, but rather an autopilot, knee-jerk reaction repeated mindlessly, again and again. The second choice in each statement constitutes what our program seeks to make habitual. With practice, the second choice is made without any thought or need for decision, thus freeing your brain up to deal with more complex issues.

If these positive choices have been made, and made with clear an srong intention, and you have practiced these  “foundational” behaviors to the point where they are solid habits, your brain’s energy is freed up to deal with the complexity of making values-based choices that strengthen and build your relationship. You no longer have to struggle to come up with the right response in the moment or respond with knee-jerk default behaviors that have more to do with negative things in your past than with opportunities to grow your relationship in the present moment.

The following is our model for systematically transforming intention into solid positive habits through a repetitive process of intention, awareness, focus, and practice.

Let’s revisit Matt as he learns about “habitualizing,” and building powerful “foundational” habits.

Matt’s story is one of several found throughout the book. We use Matt’s journey to illustrate key points and concepts. Matt’s story, however, is particularly important because it can be used as a template for your Mindful Relating development. Read the story very carefully; it’s loaded with important details. Apply the process as described to your own relationship, and you will find you have the power to greatly improve the quality of your relationship while becoming quite skillful not only in the way you deal with a particular relationship but also with relationships in general.

Following this plan doesn’t guarantee the success of your relationship, only that you are very effective in influencing relationship success while helping your partner more readily join with you in building that relationship. The best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only five to ten minutes a day and requires very little willpower.

Here's a powerful tool for helping you with mindful awareness and purposefully creating positive habits. It's called "WOOP."

The following information on “WOOP” is drawn largely from the work of Gabriele Oettingen in Rethinking Positive Thinking, 2015.

Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan (WOOP)

Matt arrived early for his weekly session. Sitting alone in the waiting room, he decided to take some time to review written information he’d been given on Mindful Choice 5, Self-Reflection and Managing Negative Self-talk (Mindful Choice 5 is one of our 10 "Mindful Choices" from our book Mindful Choices for Well-Being. More information can be found in appendix 1). The material began with a quotation. He’d seen it before and wondered how someone in the first century A.D. could so succinctly sum up his experience in 2015.

Epictetus had said: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”

That’s got to be true, thought Matt. I sometimes respond as though Beverly is the enemy. I know that’s not true. Why then do I sometimes snap at her? Why is it so easy for me to be defensive? It seems so automatic. Before I realize it, I’m overreacting. I’m way over the top. Yes, Beverly can be difficult at times. Isn’t that true of everybody? But it’s not what she’s actually saying—it’s how I take it. Why can’t I change this? Why do I keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again? I feel anger and irritation so easily, and before I know it, I’ve put my foot in my mouth one more time, like a thousand times before. Why can’t I change? Really change? Is lasting change possible?

Those are some of the questions Matt posed to Robin. He had previously decided to work on Mindful Choice 7, Intentional Relating, and now he was realizing his reactions had a lot to do with Mindful Choice 5 material on underlying self-talk and beliefs – much of it going back to childhood. He repeated the questions: “Why can’t I change? Is real change actually something I can accomplish?”

Robin replied: “The short answer is yes, of course you can change. You can change virtually anything that’s important to you, but it takes more than wishing. In fact, wishing alone makes it less likely that you will do anything effective about the problem. It seems your brain is easily satisfied by the fantasy of the relationship going well, and so the pressure is taken off actually having to do something. I guess that’s where we get the term ‘wishful thinking.’

 “Okay,” said Robin. “I can see this is really important to you, so let’s talk about a systematic way of bringing about change, actually a combination of methods validated by a mountain of scientific research. Let me introduce you to WOOP, which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, and Plan. This process can be applied to anything you want to change or accomplish, and the research is clear. You are far more likely to follow through and achieve the results you want if you go further than wishing and incorporate a plan for dealing with things that get in the way.”

“Let’s start with your wish. What’s the immediate wish you have? What is a feasible change, something that you want to increase, decrease, or modify?”

Matt didn’t have to think much. “That’s easy. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner. It’s not her; it’s me. I seem to have a hair trigger, and I’m really crabby—sometimes, I’m downright mean. When I’m like that I don’t like me very much, and I don’t think she does either.”

Robin responded: “Okay, let’s talk about Outcome. Imagine the positive future outcome of being able to fulfill this wish consistently. What would that look like?”

Matt was ready with an answer: “Again, that’s an easy one. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with. I suppose I was once. I’d like to be there again.”

“Good,” Robin responded. “It would be great if imagining your preferred outcome was sufficient to bring about change, but unfortunately it’s not. By itself the wish is no more than wishful thinking, and it can even trick your brain into being satisfied enough by the fantasy to not invest any energy in going further. Researchers have found, however, that pairing up the fantasy with the reality of what gets in the way, a practice called mental contrasting, really puts things in motion. Identifying realistic obstacles in contrast to a wish greatly increases your power to make lasting changes.”

“Okay, let’s tackle the obstacle or obstacles. What’s the most critical personal obstacle, or collection of obstacles, standing in the way of fulfilling your wish?”

This was more difficult, thought Matt. “Let me think about that for a moment. For sure it’s not something that Beverly is doing. It’s all within me. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Before I know it, I’m responding . . .” Matt seemed to be struggling for the right word.

 “Mindlessly?” Robin volunteered the term, and Matt quickly responded: “Yes, I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own. How do I break free?”

Robin replied, “First, let’s break it down. Imagine the last few times you were a grouch. Building upon what you’ve already learned about mindfulness and mindlessness, what do you suppose was happening?”

“Well, I definitely wasn’t being mindful,” Matt replied. “When Beverly started to talk I instantly perceived what she was saying as criticism and began playing my ‘victim movie.’ I thought to myself, here we go again! This is another thing I screwed up. Then I had to fight back. I guess I think if I don’t fight back, maybe I really will be seen as incompetent or simply a bad person. I suppose if I had been watching my breathing, I would’ve realized that I was definitely ‘uptight,’ with shallow breathing and a lot of tension in my upper chest, neck, shoulders, and face. It all happens so fast, and why shouldn’t it? It’s been rehearsed again and again, all the way back into my childhood when I felt overly criticized by my parents and picked on by my brothers. Wow, I never saw it so clearly before. I’ve been stuck here a long time. I really want this to change.”

Matt’s sincerity and eagerness were quite apparent to Robin, and she said, “Matt, the most important part of what we’re doing today is the last WOOP step, Plan. We’ll put together a detailed plan, based on methods that have been solidly researched, methods that greatly increase the probability you will not only make the changes you want but will also stick to them over time, transforming your relationship with Beverly. Also, we will deal with the larger context of how you deal with Beverly in general.”

The following is a recap of the WOOP method worked out for Matt to help him deal with his angry, irritable, and defensive behavior. This strategy will then become part of a larger strategy for building positive foundational habits. Note that “Plan” has been filled in.

WOOP is an acronym for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and  Plan. The WOOP strategy contains four steps.

• Wish — The first step is to name an important but feasible wish that one would like to fulfill. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner.
• Outcome – the second step is to identify and imagine the positive future    outcome of wish. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with.
• Obstacle — the third step is to identify and imagine the most critical personal obstacles that stand in the way of wish fulfillment. When Beverly starts to talk I instantly perceive what she is saying as criticism and begin playing my ‘victim movie.’  I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own.

• Plan — the fourth  step is to specify an effective behavior to overcome the obstacle, and to form an if-then plan: if I find myself playing my victim movie and starting to talk myself into being angry, irritable, or defensive , I will take three deep breaths, remind myself of my intention, make sure I'm not in fight or flight mode, and deliver an active constructive response.
• Plan — the fourth  step is to specify an effective behavior to overcome the obstacle, and to form an if-then plan: if I find myself playing my victim movie and starting to talk myself into being angry, irritable, or defensive , I will take three deep breaths, remind myself of my intention, make sure I'm not in fight or flight mode, and deliver an active constructive response.

Robin proceeded to outline a five-step plan: Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition, a plan designed to build strong, “foundational” relationship habits.

The Five Step Plan

At least 40 percent of everything we do, say, think, or feel is habitual. With repetition our brain’s basal ganglia creates habits. It’s your brain’s way of being efficient and conserving energy. Unfortunately, bad habits are created as well as good habits, and habits are hard to change. Our five-step process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition is designed to reprogram your brain through an ongoing process that takes minimal willpower and minimal time. The feedback from hundreds of our clients? It works! We start with Intention, getting back to Matt’s story once again.

Step 1: INTENTION

Robin continued. “Author Wayne Dyer has said: ‘Our intention creates our reality.’ Certainly, major change requires intention, the desire for things to be different or better than they are. What we suggest is that you write out your intention on a sticky note and put it on the mirror so that you can see it each morning as you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. To give your intention an added boost, we also suggest you post one of your favorite pictures of Beverly. You can’t change things you’re not aware of, so you need to start your day by connecting to your goal, getting desired changes into your brain, and embarking on a process of making those changes solid and permanent.

“Take just a minute to connect with your intention. Make sure you understand how this intention is an integral part of your overall life plan. Understand why this is important to you.

“Make it powerful! This first step should serve as a clear and compelling catalyst for launching a daily routine leading to rich rewards. However, in spite of the obvious benefits, many people simply forget to take this first step, so here’s what we suggest:

“Keep it simple, something like ‘I intend to follow a daily routine of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice for treating Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy. My reward will be building powerful foundational skills for relating to Beverly in such a way that our relationship is strengthened and enriched.’ You can modify the statement, but make sure your statement includes routine and reward, components absolutely necessary for habit formation.

“It’s extremely important to connect the cue with the routine and the expected reward. The cue is your daily self-assessment. Your reward is a greatly improved relationship. It’s vital that you believe getting increasingly higher daily scores on your daily self-assessment will result in powerful habits for relating consciously and intentionally, habits that will serve as a foundation for the relationship you’ve always wanted. Take just a moment to reflect on this intention as you are shaving or brushing your teeth, and you’re on your way.

“Additionally, we suggest you keep a journal, recording thoughts you have throughout the day in regard to Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice. We suggest you record at least three things that went well in your relationship, why they went well, why they are important to you, and how you can have more of

these rewards in your daily life. Record any other thoughts and insights about your daily self-assessment, along with notes to yourself on how to improve the process. Again, this is research-based and will give your habit development a powerful boost.”

Step 2: AWARENESS

“You can’t change something that you’re not aware of! We are all about habits, good ones and bad ones. Being a grouch or being defensive are no less bad habits than nail-biting or procrastinating. The important thing is to develop a mindful awareness of the present moment, catching yourself in the act while being aware at the same time of your commitment to make changes.

“Each morning, look back upon the past twenty-four hours and take about three minutes to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, recording your score on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. This should only take you about three minutes to respond with a zero to four on each of the ten statements, including recording the results.

“This last part is vital! Recording the results on the profile sheet is absolutely important to your success. We’ve got to get your self-assessment into your conscious awareness and keep it there on a daily basis. Also, this program works if you believe it will work, and you can’t help becoming a believer when you can see the results each day of getting better and better on the way you relate to Beverly. You won’t get it perfectly, and that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself. Let go of self-judgment and just tell yourself that you’re a work in progress and resolve to faithfully follow the plan. The important thing is to stay focused on the process and not allow yourself to get caught up in a preoccupation with past or future or with how things should be”

Matt replied, “I know this sounds silly, and I know it only takes three minutes, but I’ve got a lot of things on my mind when I first get up. How do I remind myself to do it? I’m super forgetful, particularly in the morning.”

“I understand,” Robin said. “I guess that applies to most of us. What’s one thing that you do consistently every morning when things begin to slow down a bit?”

“That’s easy,” said Matt. “I can’t get going on anything until I get a cup of coffee. Then I sit for a bit and collect my thoughts.”

“Perfect!” said Robin. “That’s a great opportunity to remind yourself to take three minutes to complete your assessment and record your results on the profile sheet. That’s it! Just look back on the last twenty-four hours, record your

score on your profile sheet, and move onto the next step. By the way, the next step, visualization meditation, may take another three to five minutes. All in all, though, when you think about it, it’s not a huge investment for dramatically improving the way you relate to Beverly. And if it would help,” Robin added with a smile, “you might consider posting a ‘Do my assessment!’ reminder note on the coffee maker.”

Step 3: FOCUS

“This is where WOOP comes in. Your wish is the easy part. The wish is simply getting all 4s on your assessment tomorrow. You’re already clear on the Outcome as well as the Obstacles.

The next step is formulating an if-then plan. Being very specific, plan what you will do when you notice elements of being uptight. For example, if you notice any of these elements, then you will take three deep breaths, remind yourself of your intention to build a satisfying relationship with Beverly, remind yourself of all the benefits of being in such a relationship, and commit yourself to listening without defensiveness, giving up having to be right, having to win, having to fix it, or having to escape or avoid. Instead you will focus on understanding, suspend operating from your ego, put your own stuff on the back burner, and tune in calmly and respectfully to Beverly.

“Use the same formula for any other obstacles you identify, and if you want to make your if-then planning really powerful, write down the plan! The simple act of writing down your plan in detail increases the power of the step exponentially.

“Visualize the process, not so much the end goal. If you focus too much on the end goal your brain will experience a release of dopamine and a sense of reward. You may actually lose motivation as your brain perceives the work is done. It’s far more effective to visualize the process in detail. Be process-oriented rather than goal-oriented.

“Looking forward, visualize proceeding through your day in such a manner that you will be pleased when you next complete an Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, approximately twenty-four hours later. However, it’s not just a matter of wanting to do well. You must also visualize the obstacles you’ve already identified. Visualize all the signs of being ‘uptight,’ such as shallow breathing, muscular tension, defensive self-talk, or a strong desire to avoid or escape—all signs of being in fight-flight-freeze mode.

 “We suggest starting off with your usual meditation, although it doesn’t have to be very long. In fact, it might only be three to five minutes. Next, visualize responding to each obstacle with your if-then plan. Take your time and visualize successfully enacting your plan with great detail as though it’s actually happening. The more detail, the better. Incorporate sights, sounds, events, and so on, and don’t forget to imagine all the good feelings you’re going to have as you see yourself growing in your ability to be conscious and intentional in the way you relate to Beverly. Most of all, though, remember that you’re training your brain to deal with challenges.”

“Don’t make it easy on yourself. Picture working through difficult situations and mentally rehearse responding well regardless of Beverly’s actions. Remember, she’s human, and she can be difficult also. That shouldn’t keep you from responding mindfully and with emotional intelligence. Also, don’t forget to imagine yourself practicing self-calming skills, such as diaphragmatic breathing, taking the time to get yourself out of fight-flight-freeze mode.

“This is something we call Visualization Meditation, imagining going through your day step by step and performing in the optimal area on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment. It’s very similar to the mental rehearsal of top-performing athletes, and what has been shown in research time and time again to be highly effective in establishing desired behaviors and enhancing performance. The better your mental rehearsal, the better the outcome.”

Step 4: PRACTICE

“Habits and practice are absolutely interrelated. Anything you repeat is on its way to becoming a habit. Bill and I are constantly telling people that they can change virtually anything they want to change. All they have to do is cultivate present-moment awareness, break the behavior down into bite-size pieces, choose new behaviors, and add regular practice plus calm perseverance otherwise known as patience. There you have it—new habits are formed!”

“Throughout the day, perform mind-body checks, pausing to take three deep breaths and then tuning into your mind and body and reminding yourself of your intention to manage your stress and specifically to manage your relationship consciously and intentionally. This is also a great time to repeat affirmations you created to keep you on track about your desire for doing your part to build a strong, satisfying, loving relationship with Beverly.”

“An affirmation can be as simple as stating your intention as though it’s actually happening already, such as: I treat Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy.”

 “Again, pair the small self-reflection breaks with a high probability behavior, such as taking a drink of water, coffee, tea, or another beverage. The high probability behavior then becomes your cue to remind yourself of your intention.”

Matt had a question: “What if I’m doing much better, and Beverly is the one being difficult? What if she’s not responding in a positive way to me?”

Robin had anticipated this question, and she replied: “That’s a great question, and one we hear all the time. We have a simple answer—do the right thing anyway! No one is perfect, and your partner’s not perfect either. Change the things you can change. Remember, you’re developing strong habits for being really masterful in the way you communicate with Beverly. The way you respond cannot be contingent on Beverly’s behavior. Simply focus on being increasingly skillful with practice, regardless of what’s happening with Beverly. In general, you’ll probably notice the relationship becoming more satisfying, more open, and more trusting, but like any other relationship there will be peaks and valleys. Your job is to be remain selfaware and self-managing in such a manner that you’re consistently contributing a positive and constructive presence.”

Step 5. REPETITION

Robin continued. “Let’s get back to the steps. Repeat the entire process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits. You may need as many as six of the profile sheets covering a full 60 days of practice. On the other hand, you may find change coming about much more quickly. The idea is to have your daily results consistently in the optimal area, and maintain the results at that level.”

“You’ve no doubt heard it said that it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. However, according to research, it can take much longer depending upon the habit. We believe that keeping your score in the optimal level for twenty-one days is probably enough to be transformational. In any event, focus on the process rather than the product. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing. Ultimately, the results will be quite impressive.”

“This approach to change is evidence-based and largely grows out of cuttingedge neuroscience research. We’ve seen great results.”

 “HABITUALIZING”

Relationship difficulties usually don’t occur because of lack of awareness of positive ways of communicating. Instead, they tend to occur because of habitual ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving, and behaving. The problem isn’t so much what’s going on in the present moment, as how it’s perceived in a rather consistent way. Past learning and choices have given rise to habitual knee-jerk reactions. Let’s again rejoin Matt and Robin as Matt learns about replacing negative habits with positive habits.

Robin went on. “Our brains are amazing. There is nothing more complicated in the universe, and such complexity requires an enormous amount of energy, more than any other human organ. In fact, your brain uses up to 20 percent of the body’s total energy requirement. Habits are the way your brain conserves energy, freeing energy for more complex problem-solving. For example, you didn’t have to think about driving here. You just drove, and probably you were able to focus on many other things during the drive. Driving has become routine and habitual, and that’s just one example of a great many things that have become habits. The more habits, the more things are routine, the more energy your brain has available to do the “heavy lifting” of really tough issues. To conserve energy, we constantly form habits, either good ones or bad ones, and now you’re going to get to choose which relationship and communication habits you’re forming and strengthening.

Our term for this process is “habitualizing.” The less you have to think about basic communication, the more energy your brain has available to deal with complex issues that occur in every relationship. For example, if you habitually respond to Beverly by actively engaging her in a constructive manner, habitually shift into present-moment awareness rather than getting stuck in the past or future, habitually drop defensiveness, habitually listen attentively and not reactively, habitually describe your feelings rather than attack with them, and habitually focus on self-awareness and self-management rather than trying to change your partner, then your brain can deal with the complicated and challenging relationship issues that constantly arise. You don’t have to think about whether to choose “fight or flight” or “tend and befriend.” Basic skills have become “habitualized.” Relating well has become routine, an SOP or ‘Standard Operating Procedure’ for your relationship, and all in just ten minutes a day.

“Besides, there is such a thing as ‘decision fatigue’ where your brain is simply tired of constantly making decisions about how to respond, and it leads to decision avoidance through withdrawal or defensiveness. The more you can reduce the number of trivial responding decisions, the better.”

Matt had another question. “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Robin responded. “That’s an excellent question. Autopilot is only a bad thing when you continuously repeat ineffectual or self- defeating behaviors until they become automatic and habitual. On the other hand, you want positive behaviors to become so routine that they occur virtually out of conscious awareness, thus freeing your brain for more complicated procedures.” Mindfulness, when it involves cultivating self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits, leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.

“Have you known people who seem to be real pros at relationships? Have you known people who seem to have a knack for it, and make masterful relating seem natural and easy? Well, for some it is relatively easy because they have well-established “foundational” relating habits in place. You can to. It’s a matter of awareness of choices and following through making those choices into habits.”

Matt had been following Robin’s explanation by way of an outline Robin handed him when she began her description of the process. He was excited and eager to begin. “I can do this,” said Matt. “All I needed was a clear plan, and this is it. I can definitely see how I’m going to make this work. I’m ready to go, and I’m looking forward to sharing the results with you next time.”

Mindfully Changing Habits

Decades of relationship work have led us to a deeper understanding of the role of habits in everything we do. Current brain research has given us powerful tools for changing habits. You don’t have to be habitually controlled by memories of your past, or habitually caught up in fear of the future, or habitually stressed out and confused by what’s happening right now. You can be conscious and intentional in training your mind to deal with ever-present challenges with powerful and effective automated behaviors. In other words, you can be mindful and truly masterful in your relationships through the interplay of mindful awareness and mindful habit change. All you need is to remember to be mindful of creative choices for building your relationships, while having basic positive, relationship-enhancing habits already well in place.

Want to have really great relationships? Want to be the best version of yourself in relationships that you can imagine? Does it take self-discipline? Yes, but you really don’t need any more self-discipline than what’s required to automate powerful foundational relationship habits.

In the above session with Robin, Matt asked the question: “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Following is how Jon Kabat-Zinn describes mindfulness:

“Mindfulness is being aware, on purpose and nonjudgmentally, of what is happening as it is happening in the present moment. Mindfulness is about being conscious, conscientious, intentional, and effective. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, while being flexible and receptive to whatever is going on. The opposite of mindfulness is being mindless, often on autopilot, reacting your way through your life with little awareness of choices. Mindlessness accounts for much of what we do that is ineffectual, counterproductive, contrary to our values, or self-destructive. Mindlessness is a relationship destroyer.”

So, being mindful is a good thing. I think we can all agree upon that. Should we therefore strive to be mindful all the time? Is autopilot always a bad thing? The answer to both questions is no!

Habits exist for a reason. You repeat things that are pleasurable and learn to avoid things that are painful or dangerous, and with repetition you create strong, enduring habits. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. Imagine, if you will, driving your car. What if you had to be totally mindful of every single movement? Of course you’re supposed to be paying attention, but much of your driving behavior is automatic, freeing your brain up to focus on many other things. This isn’t bad. It’s simply the way things are. Your brain is constantly creating habits, good ones and bad ones. You may as well take charge and create good ones, changing your default setting from self-defeating autopilot responses to positive and effective autopilot responses.

Robin had responded to Matt: “Mindfulness, or self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.”

So, great relationships depend upon both mindfulness, leading to creativity and psychological flexibility, and basic foundational healthy responses that have been automated to free your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues. That having been said, there’s a lot that can be learned about healthy choices. As we have seen above, when those healthy choices are repeated frequently enough, they not only get easier, they become routine.

YOU CAN MINDFULLY CHANGE HABITS. In Chapter 8 we will take a look at the Transtheoretical Stages of Change and the overall Mindful Choices Therapy model for “Relational Excellence.”

 Let’s revisit Matt as he learns about “habitualizing,” and building powerful “foundational” habits.

Matt’s story is one of several found throughout the book. We use Matt’s journey to illustrate key points and concepts. Matt’s story, however, is particularly important because it can be used as a template for your Mindful Relating development. Read the story very carefully; it’s loaded with important details. Apply the process as described to your own relationship, and you will find you have the power to greatly improve the quality of your relationship while becoming quite skillful not only in the way you deal with a particular relationship but also with relationships in general.

Following this plan doesn’t guarantee the success of your relationship, only that you are very effective in influencing relationship success while helping your partner more readily join with you in building that relationship. The best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only five to ten minutes a day and requires very little willpower.

Here's a powerful tool for helping you with mindful awareness and purposefully creating positive habits. It's called "WOOP."

The following information on “WOOP” is drawn largely from the work of Gabriele Oettingen in Rethinking Positive Thinking, 2015.

Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan (WOOP)

Matt arrived early for his weekly session. Sitting alone in the waiting room, he decided to take some time to review written information he’d been given on Mindful Choice 5, Self-Reflection and Managing Negative Self-talk (Mindful Choice 5 is one of our 10 "Mindful Choices" from our book Mindful Choices for Well-Being. More information can be found in appendix 1). The material began with a quotation. He’d seen it before and wondered how someone in the first century A.D. could so succinctly sum up his experience in 2015.

Epictetus had said: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”

That’s got to be true, thought Matt. I sometimes respond as though Beverly is the enemy. I know that’s not true. Why then do I sometimes snap at her? Why is it so easy for me to be defensive? It seems so automatic. Before I realize it, I’m overreacting. I’m way over the top. Yes, Beverly can be difficult at times. Isn’t that true of everybody? But it’s not what she’s actually saying—it’s how I take it. Why can’t I change this? Why do I keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again? I feel anger and irritation so easily, and before I know it, I’ve put my foot in my mouth one more time, like a thousand times before. Why can’t I change? Really change? Is lasting change possible?

Those are some of the questions Matt posed to Robin. He had previously decided to work on Mindful Choice 7, Intentional Relating, and now he was realizing his reactions had a lot to do with Mindful Choice 5 material on underlying self-talk and beliefs – much of it going back to childhood. He repeated the questions: “Why can’t I change? Is real change actually something I can accomplish?”

Robin replied: “The short answer is yes, of course you can change. You can change virtually anything that’s important to you, but it takes more than wishing. In fact, wishing alone makes it less likely that you will do anything effective about the problem. It seems your brain is easily satisfied by the fantasy of the relationship going well, and so the pressure is taken off actually having to do something. I guess that’s where we get the term ‘wishful thinking.’

 “Okay,” said Robin. “I can see this is really important to you, so let’s talk about a systematic way of bringing about change, actually a combination of methods validated by a mountain of scientific research. Let me introduce you to WOOP, which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, and Plan. This process can be applied to anything you want to change or accomplish, and the research is clear. You are far more likely to follow through and achieve the results you want if you go further than wishing and incorporate a plan for dealing with things that get in the way.”

“Let’s start with your wish. What’s the immediate wish you have? What is a feasible change, something that you want to increase, decrease, or modify?”

Matt didn’t have to think much. “That’s easy. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner. It’s not her; it’s me. I seem to have a hair trigger, and I’m really crabby—sometimes, I’m downright mean. When I’m like that I don’t like me very much, and I don’t think she does either.”

Robin responded: “Okay, let’s talk about Outcome. Imagine the positive future outcome of being able to fulfill this wish consistently. What would that look like?”

Matt was ready with an answer: “Again, that’s an easy one. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with. I suppose I was once. I’d like to be there again.”

“Good,” Robin responded. “It would be great if imagining your preferred outcome was sufficient to bring about change, but unfortunately it’s not. By itself the wish is no more than wishful thinking, and it can even trick your brain into being satisfied enough by the fantasy to not invest any energy in going further. Researchers have found, however, that pairing up the fantasy with the reality of what gets in the way, a practice called mental contrasting, really puts things in motion. Identifying realistic obstacles in contrast to a wish greatly increases your power to make lasting changes.”

“Okay, let’s tackle the obstacle or obstacles. What’s the most critical personal obstacle, or collection of obstacles, standing in the way of fulfilling your wish?”

This was more difficult, thought Matt. “Let me think about that for a moment. For sure it’s not something that Beverly is doing. It’s all within me. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Before I know it, I’m responding . . .” Matt seemed to be struggling for the right word.

 “Mindlessly?” Robin volunteered the term, and Matt quickly responded: “Yes, I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own. How do I break free?”

Robin replied, “First, let’s break it down. Imagine the last few times you were a grouch. Building upon what you’ve already learned about mindfulness and mindlessness, what do you suppose was happening?”

“Well, I definitely wasn’t being mindful,” Matt replied. “When Beverly started to talk I instantly perceived what she was saying as criticism and began playing my ‘victim movie.’ I thought to myself, here we go again! This is another thing I screwed up. Then I had to fight back. I guess I think if I don’t fight back, maybe I really will be seen as incompetent or simply a bad person. I suppose if I had been watching my breathing, I would’ve realized that I was definitely ‘uptight,’ with shallow breathing and a lot of tension in my upper chest, neck, shoulders, and face. It all happens so fast, and why shouldn’t it? It’s been rehearsed again and again, all the way back into my childhood when I felt overly criticized by my parents and picked on by my brothers. Wow, I never saw it so clearly before. I’ve been stuck here a long time. I really want this to change.”

Matt’s sincerity and eagerness were quite apparent to Robin, and she said, “Matt, the most important part of what we’re doing today is the last WOOP step, Plan. We’ll put together a detailed plan, based on methods that have been solidly researched, methods that greatly increase the probability you will not only make the changes you want but will also stick to them over time, transforming your relationship with Beverly. Also, we will deal with the larger context of how you deal with Beverly in general.”

The following is a recap of the WOOP method worked out for Matt to help him deal with his angry, irritable, and defensive behavior. This strategy will then become part of a larger strategy for building positive foundational habits. Note that “Plan” has been filled in.

WOOP is an acronym for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and  Plan. The WOOP strategy contains four steps.

• Wish — The first step is to name an important but feasible wish that one would like to fulfill. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner.
• Outcome – the second step is to identify and imagine the positive future    outcome of wish. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with.
• Obstacle — the third step is to identify and imagine the most critical personal obstacles that stand in the way of wish fulfillment. When Beverly starts to talk I instantly perceive what she is saying as criticism and begin playing my ‘victim movie.’  I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own.

Robin proceeded to outline a five-step plan: Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition, a plan designed to build strong, “foundational” relationship habits.

The Five Step Plan

At least 40 percent of everything we do, say, think, or feel is habitual. With repetition our brain’s basal ganglia creates habits. It’s your brain’s way of being efficient and conserving energy. Unfortunately, bad habits are created as well as good habits, and habits are hard to change. Our five-step process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition is designed to reprogram your brain through an ongoing process that takes minimal willpower and minimal time. The feedback from hundreds of our clients? It works! We start with Intention, getting back to Matt’s story once again.

Step 1: INTENTION

Robin continued. “Author Wayne Dyer has said: ‘Our intention creates our reality.’ Certainly, major change requires intention, the desire for things to be different or better than they are. What we suggest is that you write out your intention on a sticky note and put it on the mirror so that you can see it each morning as you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. To give your intention an added boost, we also suggest you post one of your favorite pictures of Beverly. You can’t change things you’re not aware of, so you need to start your day by connecting to your goal, getting desired changes into your brain, and embarking on a process of making those changes solid and permanent.

“Take just a minute to connect with your intention. Make sure you understand how this intention is an integral part of your overall life plan. Understand why this is important to you.

“Make it powerful! This first step should serve as a clear and compelling catalyst for launching a daily routine leading to rich rewards. However, in spite of the obvious benefits, many people simply forget to take this first step, so here’s what we suggest:

“Keep it simple, something like ‘I intend to follow a daily routine of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice for treating Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy. My reward will be building powerful foundational skills for relating to Beverly in such a way that our relationship is strengthened and enriched.’ You can modify the statement, but make sure your statement includes routine and reward, components absolutely necessary for habit formation.

“It’s extremely important to connect the cue with the routine and the expected reward. The cue is your daily self-assessment. Your reward is a greatly improved relationship. It’s vital that you believe getting increasingly higher daily scores on your daily self-assessment will result in powerful habits for relating consciously and intentionally, habits that will serve as a foundation for the relationship you’ve always wanted. Take just a moment to reflect on this intention as you are shaving or brushing your teeth, and you’re on your way.

“Additionally, we suggest you keep a journal, recording thoughts you have throughout the day in regard to Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice. We suggest you record at least three things that went well in your relationship, why they went well, why they are important to you, and how you can have more of

these rewards in your daily life. Record any other thoughts and insights about your daily self-assessment, along with notes to yourself on how to improve the process. Again, this is research-based and will give your habit development a powerful boost.”

Step 2: AWARENESS

“You can’t change something that you’re not aware of! We are all about habits, good ones and bad ones. Being a grouch or being defensive are no less bad habits than nail-biting or procrastinating. The important thing is to develop a mindful awareness of the present moment, catching yourself in the act while being aware at the same time of your commitment to make changes.

“Each morning, look back upon the past twenty-four hours and take about three minutes to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, recording your score on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. This should only take you about three minutes to respond with a zero to four on each of the ten statements, including recording the results.

“This last part is vital! Recording the results on the profile sheet is absolutely important to your success. We’ve got to get your self-assessment into your conscious awareness and keep it there on a daily basis. Also, this program works if you believe it will work, and you can’t help becoming a believer when you can see the results each day of getting better and better on the way you relate to Beverly. You won’t get it perfectly, and that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself. Let go of self-judgment and just tell yourself that you’re a work in progress and resolve to faithfully follow the plan. The important thing is to stay focused on the process and not allow yourself to get caught up in a preoccupation with past or future or with how things should be”

Matt replied, “I know this sounds silly, and I know it only takes three minutes, but I’ve got a lot of things on my mind when I first get up. How do I remind myself to do it? I’m super forgetful, particularly in the morning.”

“I understand,” Robin said. “I guess that applies to most of us. What’s one thing that you do consistently every morning when things begin to slow down a bit?”

“That’s easy,” said Matt. “I can’t get going on anything until I get a cup of coffee. Then I sit for a bit and collect my thoughts.”

“Perfect!” said Robin. “That’s a great opportunity to remind yourself to take three minutes to complete your assessment and record your results on the profile sheet. That’s it! Just look back on the last twenty-four hours, record your

score on your profile sheet, and move onto the next step. By the way, the next step, visualization meditation, may take another three to five minutes. All in all, though, when you think about it, it’s not a huge investment for dramatically improving the way you relate to Beverly. And if it would help,” Robin added with a smile, “you might consider posting a ‘Do my assessment!’ reminder note on the coffee maker.”

Step 3: FOCUS

“This is where WOOP comes in. Your wish is the easy part. The wish is simply getting all 4s on your assessment tomorrow. You’re already clear on the Outcome as well as the Obstacles.

The next step is formulating an if-then plan. Being very specific, plan what you will do when you notice elements of being uptight. For example, if you notice any of these elements, then you will take three deep breaths, remind yourself of your intention to build a satisfying relationship with Beverly, remind yourself of all the benefits of being in such a relationship, and commit yourself to listening without defensiveness, giving up having to be right, having to win, having to fix it, or having to escape or avoid. Instead you will focus on understanding, suspend operating from your ego, put your own stuff on the back burner, and tune in calmly and respectfully to Beverly.

“Use the same formula for any other obstacles you identify, and if you want to make your if-then planning really powerful, write down the plan! The simple act of writing down your plan in detail increases the power of the step exponentially.

“Visualize the process, not so much the end goal. If you focus too much on the end goal your brain will experience a release of dopamine and a sense of reward. You may actually lose motivation as your brain perceives the work is done. It’s far more effective to visualize the process in detail. Be process-oriented rather than goal-oriented.

“Looking forward, visualize proceeding through your day in such a manner that you will be pleased when you next complete an Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, approximately twenty-four hours later. However, it’s not just a matter of wanting to do well. You must also visualize the obstacles you’ve already identified. Visualize all the signs of being ‘uptight,’ such as shallow breathing, muscular tension, defensive self-talk, or a strong desire to avoid or escape—all signs of being in fight-flight-freeze mode.

 “We suggest starting off with your usual meditation, although it doesn’t have to be very long. In fact, it might only be three to five minutes. Next, visualize responding to each obstacle with your if-then plan. Take your time and visualize successfully enacting your plan with great detail as though it’s actually happening. The more detail, the better. Incorporate sights, sounds, events, and so on, and don’t forget to imagine all the good feelings you’re going to have as you see yourself growing in your ability to be conscious and intentional in the way you relate to Beverly. Most of all, though, remember that you’re training your brain to deal with challenges.”

“Don’t make it easy on yourself. Picture working through difficult situations and mentally rehearse responding well regardless of Beverly’s actions. Remember, she’s human, and she can be difficult also. That shouldn’t keep you from responding mindfully and with emotional intelligence. Also, don’t forget to imagine yourself practicing self-calming skills, such as diaphragmatic breathing, taking the time to get yourself out of fight-flight-freeze mode.

“This is something we call Visualization Meditation, imagining going through your day step by step and performing in the optimal area on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment. It’s very similar to the mental rehearsal of top-performing athletes, and what has been shown in research time and time again to be highly effective in establishing desired behaviors and enhancing performance. The better your mental rehearsal, the better the outcome.”

Step 4: PRACTICE

“Habits and practice are absolutely interrelated. Anything you repeat is on its way to becoming a habit. Bill and I are constantly telling people that they can change virtually anything they want to change. All they have to do is cultivate present-moment awareness, break the behavior down into bite-size pieces, choose new behaviors, and add regular practice plus calm perseverance otherwise known as patience. There you have it—new habits are formed!”

“Throughout the day, perform mind-body checks, pausing to take three deep breaths and then tuning into your mind and body and reminding yourself of your intention to manage your stress and specifically to manage your relationship consciously and intentionally. This is also a great time to repeat affirmations you created to keep you on track about your desire for doing your part to build a strong, satisfying, loving relationship with Beverly.”

“An affirmation can be as simple as stating your intention as though it’s actually happening already, such as: I treat Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy.”

 “Again, pair the small self-reflection breaks with a high probability behavior, such as taking a drink of water, coffee, tea, or another beverage. The high probability behavior then becomes your cue to remind yourself of your intention.”

Matt had a question: “What if I’m doing much better, and Beverly is the one being difficult? What if she’s not responding in a positive way to me?”

Robin had anticipated this question, and she replied: “That’s a great question, and one we hear all the time. We have a simple answer—do the right thing anyway! No one is perfect, and your partner’s not perfect either. Change the things you can change. Remember, you’re developing strong habits for being really masterful in the way you communicate with Beverly. The way you respond cannot be contingent on Beverly’s behavior. Simply focus on being increasingly skillful with practice, regardless of what’s happening with Beverly. In general, you’ll probably notice the relationship becoming more satisfying, more open, and more trusting, but like any other relationship there will be peaks and valleys. Your job is to be remain selfaware and self-managing in such a manner that you’re consistently contributing a positive and constructive presence.”

Step 5. REPETITION

Robin continued. “Let’s get back to the steps. Repeat the entire process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits. You may need as many as six of the profile sheets covering a full 60 days of practice. On the other hand, you may find change coming about much more quickly. The idea is to have your daily results consistently in the optimal area, and maintain the results at that level.”

“You’ve no doubt heard it said that it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. However, according to research, it can take much longer depending upon the habit. We believe that keeping your score in the optimal level for twenty-one days is probably enough to be transformational. In any event, focus on the process rather than the product. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing. Ultimately, the results will be quite impressive.”

“This approach to change is evidence-based and largely grows out of cuttingedge neuroscience research. We’ve seen great results.”

 “HABITUALIZING”

Relationship difficulties usually don’t occur because of lack of awareness of positive ways of communicating. Instead, they tend to occur because of habitual ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving, and behaving. The problem isn’t so much what’s going on in the present moment, as how it’s perceived in a rather consistent way. Past learning and choices have given rise to habitual knee-jerk reactions. Let’s again rejoin Matt and Robin as Matt learns about replacing negative habits with positive habits.

Robin went on. “Our brains are amazing. There is nothing more complicated in the universe, and such complexity requires an enormous amount of energy, more than any other human organ. In fact, your brain uses up to 20 percent of the body’s total energy requirement. Habits are the way your brain conserves energy, freeing energy for more complex problem-solving. For example, you didn’t have to think about driving here. You just drove, and probably you were able to focus on many other things during the drive. Driving has become routine and habitual, and that’s just one example of a great many things that have become habits. The more habits, the more things are routine, the more energy your brain has available to do the “heavy lifting” of really tough issues. To conserve energy, we constantly form habits, either good ones or bad ones, and now you’re going to get to choose which relationship and communication habits you’re forming and strengthening.

Our term for this process is “habitualizing.” The less you have to think about basic communication, the more energy your brain has available to deal with complex issues that occur in every relationship. For example, if you habitually respond to Beverly by actively engaging her in a constructive manner, habitually shift into present-moment awareness rather than getting stuck in the past or future, habitually drop defensiveness, habitually listen attentively and not reactively, habitually describe your feelings rather than attack with them, and habitually focus on self-awareness and self-management rather than trying to change your partner, then your brain can deal with the complicated and challenging relationship issues that constantly arise. You don’t have to think about whether to choose “fight or flight” or “tend and befriend.” Basic skills have become “habitualized.” Relating well has become routine, an SOP or ‘Standard Operating Procedure’ for your relationship, and all in just ten minutes a day.

“Besides, there is such a thing as ‘decision fatigue’ where your brain is simply tired of constantly making decisions about how to respond, and it leads to decision avoidance through withdrawal or defensiveness. The more you can reduce the number of trivial responding decisions, the better.”

Matt had another question. “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Robin responded. “That’s an excellent question. Autopilot is only a bad thing when you continuously repeat ineffectual or self- defeating behaviors until they become automatic and habitual. On the other hand, you want positive behaviors to become so routine that they occur virtually out of conscious awareness, thus freeing your brain for more complicated procedures.” Mindfulness, when it involves cultivating self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits, leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.

“Have you known people who seem to be real pros at relationships? Have you known people who seem to have a knack for it, and make masterful relating seem natural and easy? Well, for some it is relatively easy because they have well-established “foundational” relating habits in place. You can to. It’s a matter of awareness of choices and following through making those choices into habits.”

Matt had been following Robin’s explanation by way of an outline Robin handed him when she began her description of the process. He was excited and eager to begin. “I can do this,” said Matt. “All I needed was a clear plan, and this is it. I can definitely see how I’m going to make this work. I’m ready to go, and I’m looking forward to sharing the results with you next time.”

Mindfully Changing Habits

Decades of relationship work have led us to a deeper understanding of the role of habits in everything we do. Current brain research has given us powerful tools for changing habits. You don’t have to be habitually controlled by memories of your past, or habitually caught up in fear of the future, or habitually stressed out and confused by what’s happening right now. You can be conscious and intentional in training your mind to deal with ever-present challenges with powerful and effective automated behaviors. In other words, you can be mindful and truly masterful in your relationships through the interplay of mindful awareness and mindful habit change. All you need is to remember to be mindful of creative choices for building your relationships, while having basic positive, relationship-enhancing habits already well in place.

Want to have really great relationships? Want to be the best version of yourself in relationships that you can imagine? Does it take self-discipline? Yes, but you really don’t need any more self-discipline than what’s required to automate powerful foundational relationship habits.

In the above session with Robin, Matt asked the question: “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Following is how Jon Kabat-Zinn describes mindfulness:

“Mindfulness is being aware, on purpose and nonjudgmentally, of what is happening as it is happening in the present moment. Mindfulness is about being conscious, conscientious, intentional, and effective. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, while being flexible and receptive to whatever is going on. The opposite of mindfulness is being mindless, often on autopilot, reacting your way through your life with little awareness of choices. Mindlessness accounts for much of what we do that is ineffectual, counterproductive, contrary to our values, or self-destructive. Mindlessness is a relationship destroyer.”

So, being mindful is a good thing. I think we can all agree upon that. Should we therefore strive to be mindful all the time? Is autopilot always a bad thing? The answer to both questions is no!

Habits exist for a reason. You repeat things that are pleasurable and learn to avoid things that are painful or dangerous, and with repetition you create strong, enduring habits. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. Imagine, if you will, driving your car. What if you had to be totally mindful of every single movement? Of course you’re supposed to be paying attention, but much of your driving behavior is automatic, freeing your brain up to focus on many other things. This isn’t bad. It’s simply the way things are. Your brain is constantly creating habits, good ones and bad ones. You may as well take charge and create good ones, changing your default setting from self-defeating autopilot responses to positive and effective autopilot responses.

Robin had responded to Matt: “Mindfulness, or self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.”

So, great relationships depend upon both mindfulness, leading to creativity and psychological flexibility, and basic foundational healthy responses that have been automated to free your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues. That having been said, there’s a lot that can be learned about healthy choices. As we have seen above, when those healthy choices are repeated frequently enough, they not only get easier, they become routine.

YOU CAN MINDFULLY CHANGE HABITS. In Chapter 8 we will take a look at the Transtheoretical Stages of Change and the overall Mindful Choices Therapy model for “Relational Excellence.”

 

Let’s revisit Matt as he learns about “habitualizing,” and building powerful “foundational” habits.

Matt’s story is one of several found throughout the book. We use Matt’s journey to illustrate key points and concepts. Matt’s story, however, is particularly important because it can be used as a template for your Mindful Relating development. Read the story very carefully; it’s loaded with important details. Apply the process as described to your own relationship, and you will find you have the power to greatly improve the quality of your relationship while becoming quite skillful not only in the way you deal with a particular relationship but also with relationships in general.

Following this plan doesn’t guarantee the success of your relationship, only that you are very effective in influencing relationship success while helping your partner more readily join with you in building that relationship. The best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only five to ten minutes a day and requires very little willpower.

Here's a powerful tool for helping you with mindful awareness and purposefully creating positive habits. It's called "WOOP."

The following information on “WOOP” is drawn largely from the work of Gabriele Oettingen in Rethinking Positive Thinking, 2015.

Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan (WOOP)

Matt arrived early for his weekly session. Sitting alone in the waiting room, he decided to take some time to review written information he’d been given on Mindful Choice 5, Self-Reflection and Managing Negative Self-talk (Mindful Choice 5 is one of our 10 "Mindful Choices" from our book Mindful Choices for Well-Being. More information can be found in appendix 1). The material began with a quotation. He’d seen it before and wondered how someone in the first century A.D. could so succinctly sum up his experience in 2015.

Epictetus had said: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”

That’s got to be true, thought Matt. I sometimes respond as though Beverly is the enemy. I know that’s not true. Why then do I sometimes snap at her? Why is it so easy for me to be defensive? It seems so automatic. Before I realize it, I’m overreacting. I’m way over the top. Yes, Beverly can be difficult at times. Isn’t that true of everybody? But it’s not what she’s actually saying—it’s how I take it. Why can’t I change this? Why do I keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again? I feel anger and irritation so easily, and before I know it, I’ve put my foot in my mouth one more time, like a thousand times before. Why can’t I change? Really change? Is lasting change possible?

Those are some of the questions Matt posed to Robin. He had previously decided to work on Mindful Choice 7, Intentional Relating, and now he was realizing his reactions had a lot to do with Mindful Choice 5 material on underlying self-talk and beliefs – much of it going back to childhood. He repeated the questions: “Why can’t I change? Is real change actually something I can accomplish?”

Robin replied: “The short answer is yes, of course you can change. You can change virtually anything that’s important to you, but it takes more than wishing. In fact, wishing alone makes it less likely that you will do anything effective about the problem. It seems your brain is easily satisfied by the fantasy of the relationship going well, and so the pressure is taken off actually having to do something. I guess that’s where we get the term ‘wishful thinking.’

 “Okay,” said Robin. “I can see this is really important to you, so let’s talk about a systematic way of bringing about change, actually a combination of methods validated by a mountain of scientific research. Let me introduce you to WOOP, which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, and Plan. This process can be applied to anything you want to change or accomplish, and the research is clear. You are far more likely to follow through and achieve the results you want if you go further than wishing and incorporate a plan for dealing with things that get in the way.”

“Let’s start with your wish. What’s the immediate wish you have? What is a feasible change, something that you want to increase, decrease, or modify?”

Matt didn’t have to think much. “That’s easy. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner. It’s not her; it’s me. I seem to have a hair trigger, and I’m really crabby—sometimes, I’m downright mean. When I’m like that I don’t like me very much, and I don’t think she does either.”

Robin responded: “Okay, let’s talk about Outcome. Imagine the positive future outcome of being able to fulfill this wish consistently. What would that look like?”

Matt was ready with an answer: “Again, that’s an easy one. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with. I suppose I was once. I’d like to be there again.”

“Good,” Robin responded. “It would be great if imagining your preferred outcome was sufficient to bring about change, but unfortunately it’s not. By itself the wish is no more than wishful thinking, and it can even trick your brain into being satisfied enough by the fantasy to not invest any energy in going further. Researchers have found, however, that pairing up the fantasy with the reality of what gets in the way, a practice called mental contrasting, really puts things in motion. Identifying realistic obstacles in contrast to a wish greatly increases your power to make lasting changes.”

“Okay, let’s tackle the obstacle or obstacles. What’s the most critical personal obstacle, or collection of obstacles, standing in the way of fulfilling your wish?”

This was more difficult, thought Matt. “Let me think about that for a moment. For sure it’s not something that Beverly is doing. It’s all within me. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Before I know it, I’m responding . . .” Matt seemed to be struggling for the right word.

 “Mindlessly?” Robin volunteered the term, and Matt quickly responded: “Yes, I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own. How do I break free?”

Robin replied, “First, let’s break it down. Imagine the last few times you were a grouch. Building upon what you’ve already learned about mindfulness and mindlessness, what do you suppose was happening?”

“Well, I definitely wasn’t being mindful,” Matt replied. “When Beverly started to talk I instantly perceived what she was saying as criticism and began playing my ‘victim movie.’ I thought to myself, here we go again! This is another thing I screwed up. Then I had to fight back. I guess I think if I don’t fight back, maybe I really will be seen as incompetent or simply a bad person. I suppose if I had been watching my breathing, I would’ve realized that I was definitely ‘uptight,’ with shallow breathing and a lot of tension in my upper chest, neck, shoulders, and face. It all happens so fast, and why shouldn’t it? It’s been rehearsed again and again, all the way back into my childhood when I felt overly criticized by my parents and picked on by my brothers. Wow, I never saw it so clearly before. I’ve been stuck here a long time. I really want this to change.”

Matt’s sincerity and eagerness were quite apparent to Robin, and she said, “Matt, the most important part of what we’re doing today is the last WOOP step, Plan. We’ll put together a detailed plan, based on methods that have been solidly researched, methods that greatly increase the probability you will not only make the changes you want but will also stick to them over time, transforming your relationship with Beverly. Also, we will deal with the larger context of how you deal with Beverly in general.”

The following is a recap of the WOOP method worked out for Matt to help him deal with his angry, irritable, and defensive behavior. This strategy will then become part of a larger strategy for building positive foundational habits. Note that “Plan” has been filled in.

WOOP is an acronym for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and  Plan. The WOOP strategy contains four steps.

• Wish — The first step is to name an important but feasible wish that one would like to fulfill. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner.
• Outcome – the second step is to identify and imagine the positive future    outcome of wish. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with.
• Obstacle — the third step is to identify and imagine the most critical personal obstacles that stand in the way of wish fulfillment. When Beverly starts to talk I instantly perceive what she is saying as criticism and begin playing my ‘victim movie.’  I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own.

• Plan — the fourth  step is to specify an effective behavior to overcome the obstacle, and to form an if-then plan: if I find myself playing my victim movie and starting to talk myself into being angry, irritable, or defensive , I will take three deep breaths, remind myself of my intention, make sure I'm not in fight or flight mode, and deliver an active constructive response.
• Plan — the fourth  step is to specify an effective behavior to overcome the obstacle, and to form an if-then plan: if I find myself playing my victim movie and starting to talk myself into being angry, irritable, or defensive , I will take three deep breaths, remind myself of my intention, make sure I'm not in fight or flight mode, and deliver an active constructive response.

Robin proceeded to outline a five-step plan: Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition, a plan designed to build strong, “foundational” relationship habits.

The Five Step Plan

At least 40 percent of everything we do, say, think, or feel is habitual. With repetition our brain’s basal ganglia creates habits. It’s your brain’s way of being efficient and conserving energy. Unfortunately, bad habits are created as well as good habits, and habits are hard to change. Our five-step process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition is designed to reprogram your brain through an ongoing process that takes minimal willpower and minimal time. The feedback from hundreds of our clients? It works! We start with Intention, getting back to Matt’s story once again.

Step 1: INTENTION

Robin continued. “Author Wayne Dyer has said: ‘Our intention creates our reality.’ Certainly, major change requires intention, the desire for things to be different or better than they are. What we suggest is that you write out your intention on a sticky note and put it on the mirror so that you can see it each morning as you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. To give your intention an added boost, we also suggest you post one of your favorite pictures of Beverly. You can’t change things you’re not aware of, so you need to start your day by connecting to your goal, getting desired changes into your brain, and embarking on a process of making those changes solid and permanent.

“Take just a minute to connect with your intention. Make sure you understand how this intention is an integral part of your overall life plan. Understand why this is important to you.

“Make it powerful! This first step should serve as a clear and compelling catalyst for launching a daily routine leading to rich rewards. However, in spite of the obvious benefits, many people simply forget to take this first step, so here’s what we suggest:

“Keep it simple, something like ‘I intend to follow a daily routine of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice for treating Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy. My reward will be building powerful foundational skills for relating to Beverly in such a way that our relationship is strengthened and enriched.’ You can modify the statement, but make sure your statement includes routine and reward, components absolutely necessary for habit formation.

“It’s extremely important to connect the cue with the routine and the expected reward. The cue is your daily self-assessment. Your reward is a greatly improved relationship. It’s vital that you believe getting increasingly higher daily scores on your daily self-assessment will result in powerful habits for relating consciously and intentionally, habits that will serve as a foundation for the relationship you’ve always wanted. Take just a moment to reflect on this intention as you are shaving or brushing your teeth, and you’re on your way.

“Additionally, we suggest you keep a journal, recording thoughts you have throughout the day in regard to Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice. We suggest you record at least three things that went well in your relationship, why they went well, why they are important to you, and how you can have more of

these rewards in your daily life. Record any other thoughts and insights about your daily self-assessment, along with notes to yourself on how to improve the process. Again, this is research-based and will give your habit development a powerful boost.”

Step 2: AWARENESS

“You can’t change something that you’re not aware of! We are all about habits, good ones and bad ones. Being a grouch or being defensive are no less bad habits than nail-biting or procrastinating. The important thing is to develop a mindful awareness of the present moment, catching yourself in the act while being aware at the same time of your commitment to make changes.

“Each morning, look back upon the past twenty-four hours and take about three minutes to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, recording your score on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. This should only take you about three minutes to respond with a zero to four on each of the ten statements, including recording the results.

“This last part is vital! Recording the results on the profile sheet is absolutely important to your success. We’ve got to get your self-assessment into your conscious awareness and keep it there on a daily basis. Also, this program works if you believe it will work, and you can’t help becoming a believer when you can see the results each day of getting better and better on the way you relate to Beverly. You won’t get it perfectly, and that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself. Let go of self-judgment and just tell yourself that you’re a work in progress and resolve to faithfully follow the plan. The important thing is to stay focused on the process and not allow yourself to get caught up in a preoccupation with past or future or with how things should be”

Matt replied, “I know this sounds silly, and I know it only takes three minutes, but I’ve got a lot of things on my mind when I first get up. How do I remind myself to do it? I’m super forgetful, particularly in the morning.”

“I understand,” Robin said. “I guess that applies to most of us. What’s one thing that you do consistently every morning when things begin to slow down a bit?”

“That’s easy,” said Matt. “I can’t get going on anything until I get a cup of coffee. Then I sit for a bit and collect my thoughts.”

“Perfect!” said Robin. “That’s a great opportunity to remind yourself to take three minutes to complete your assessment and record your results on the profile sheet. That’s it! Just look back on the last twenty-four hours, record your

score on your profile sheet, and move onto the next step. By the way, the next step, visualization meditation, may take another three to five minutes. All in all, though, when you think about it, it’s not a huge investment for dramatically improving the way you relate to Beverly. And if it would help,” Robin added with a smile, “you might consider posting a ‘Do my assessment!’ reminder note on the coffee maker.”

Step 3: FOCUS

“This is where WOOP comes in. Your wish is the easy part. The wish is simply getting all 4s on your assessment tomorrow. You’re already clear on the Outcome as well as the Obstacles.

The next step is formulating an if-then plan. Being very specific, plan what you will do when you notice elements of being uptight. For example, if you notice any of these elements, then you will take three deep breaths, remind yourself of your intention to build a satisfying relationship with Beverly, remind yourself of all the benefits of being in such a relationship, and commit yourself to listening without defensiveness, giving up having to be right, having to win, having to fix it, or having to escape or avoid. Instead you will focus on understanding, suspend operating from your ego, put your own stuff on the back burner, and tune in calmly and respectfully to Beverly.

“Use the same formula for any other obstacles you identify, and if you want to make your if-then planning really powerful, write down the plan! The simple act of writing down your plan in detail increases the power of the step exponentially.

“Visualize the process, not so much the end goal. If you focus too much on the end goal your brain will experience a release of dopamine and a sense of reward. You may actually lose motivation as your brain perceives the work is done. It’s far more effective to visualize the process in detail. Be process-oriented rather than goal-oriented.

“Looking forward, visualize proceeding through your day in such a manner that you will be pleased when you next complete an Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, approximately twenty-four hours later. However, it’s not just a matter of wanting to do well. You must also visualize the obstacles you’ve already identified. Visualize all the signs of being ‘uptight,’ such as shallow breathing, muscular tension, defensive self-talk, or a strong desire to avoid or escape—all signs of being in fight-flight-freeze mode.

 “We suggest starting off with your usual meditation, although it doesn’t have to be very long. In fact, it might only be three to five minutes. Next, visualize responding to each obstacle with your if-then plan. Take your time and visualize successfully enacting your plan with great detail as though it’s actually happening. The more detail, the better. Incorporate sights, sounds, events, and so on, and don’t forget to imagine all the good feelings you’re going to have as you see yourself growing in your ability to be conscious and intentional in the way you relate to Beverly. Most of all, though, remember that you’re training your brain to deal with challenges.”

“Don’t make it easy on yourself. Picture working through difficult situations and mentally rehearse responding well regardless of Beverly’s actions. Remember, she’s human, and she can be difficult also. That shouldn’t keep you from responding mindfully and with emotional intelligence. Also, don’t forget to imagine yourself practicing self-calming skills, such as diaphragmatic breathing, taking the time to get yourself out of fight-flight-freeze mode.

“This is something we call Visualization Meditation, imagining going through your day step by step and performing in the optimal area on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment. It’s very similar to the mental rehearsal of top-performing athletes, and what has been shown in research time and time again to be highly effective in establishing desired behaviors and enhancing performance. The better your mental rehearsal, the better the outcome.”

Step 4: PRACTICE

“Habits and practice are absolutely interrelated. Anything you repeat is on its way to becoming a habit. Bill and I are constantly telling people that they can change virtually anything they want to change. All they have to do is cultivate present-moment awareness, break the behavior down into bite-size pieces, choose new behaviors, and add regular practice plus calm perseverance otherwise known as patience. There you have it—new habits are formed!”

“Throughout the day, perform mind-body checks, pausing to take three deep breaths and then tuning into your mind and body and reminding yourself of your intention to manage your stress and specifically to manage your relationship consciously and intentionally. This is also a great time to repeat affirmations you created to keep you on track about your desire for doing your part to build a strong, satisfying, loving relationship with Beverly.”

“An affirmation can be as simple as stating your intention as though it’s actually happening already, such as: I treat Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy.”

 “Again, pair the small self-reflection breaks with a high probability behavior, such as taking a drink of water, coffee, tea, or another beverage. The high probability behavior then becomes your cue to remind yourself of your intention.”

Matt had a question: “What if I’m doing much better, and Beverly is the one being difficult? What if she’s not responding in a positive way to me?”

Robin had anticipated this question, and she replied: “That’s a great question, and one we hear all the time. We have a simple answer—do the right thing anyway! No one is perfect, and your partner’s not perfect either. Change the things you can change. Remember, you’re developing strong habits for being really masterful in the way you communicate with Beverly. The way you respond cannot be contingent on Beverly’s behavior. Simply focus on being increasingly skillful with practice, regardless of what’s happening with Beverly. In general, you’ll probably notice the relationship becoming more satisfying, more open, and more trusting, but like any other relationship there will be peaks and valleys. Your job is to be remain selfaware and self-managing in such a manner that you’re consistently contributing a positive and constructive presence.”

Step 5. REPETITION

Robin continued. “Let’s get back to the steps. Repeat the entire process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits. You may need as many as six of the profile sheets covering a full 60 days of practice. On the other hand, you may find change coming about much more quickly. The idea is to have your daily results consistently in the optimal area, and maintain the results at that level.”

“You’ve no doubt heard it said that it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. However, according to research, it can take much longer depending upon the habit. We believe that keeping your score in the optimal level for twenty-one days is probably enough to be transformational. In any event, focus on the process rather than the product. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing. Ultimately, the results will be quite impressive.”

“This approach to change is evidence-based and largely grows out of cuttingedge neuroscience research. We’ve seen great results.”

 “HABITUALIZING”

Relationship difficulties usually don’t occur because of lack of awareness of positive ways of communicating. Instead, they tend to occur because of habitual ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving, and behaving. The problem isn’t so much what’s going on in the present moment, as how it’s perceived in a rather consistent way. Past learning and choices have given rise to habitual knee-jerk reactions. Let’s again rejoin Matt and Robin as Matt learns about replacing negative habits with positive habits.

Robin went on. “Our brains are amazing. There is nothing more complicated in the universe, and such complexity requires an enormous amount of energy, more than any other human organ. In fact, your brain uses up to 20 percent of the body’s total energy requirement. Habits are the way your brain conserves energy, freeing energy for more complex problem-solving. For example, you didn’t have to think about driving here. You just drove, and probably you were able to focus on many other things during the drive. Driving has become routine and habitual, and that’s just one example of a great many things that have become habits. The more habits, the more things are routine, the more energy your brain has available to do the “heavy lifting” of really tough issues. To conserve energy, we constantly form habits, either good ones or bad ones, and now you’re going to get to choose which relationship and communication habits you’re forming and strengthening.

Our term for this process is “habitualizing.” The less you have to think about basic communication, the more energy your brain has available to deal with complex issues that occur in every relationship. For example, if you habitually respond to Beverly by actively engaging her in a constructive manner, habitually shift into present-moment awareness rather than getting stuck in the past or future, habitually drop defensiveness, habitually listen attentively and not reactively, habitually describe your feelings rather than attack with them, and habitually focus on self-awareness and self-management rather than trying to change your partner, then your brain can deal with the complicated and challenging relationship issues that constantly arise. You don’t have to think about whether to choose “fight or flight” or “tend and befriend.” Basic skills have become “habitualized.” Relating well has become routine, an SOP or ‘Standard Operating Procedure’ for your relationship, and all in just ten minutes a day.

“Besides, there is such a thing as ‘decision fatigue’ where your brain is simply tired of constantly making decisions about how to respond, and it leads to decision avoidance through withdrawal or defensiveness. The more you can reduce the number of trivial responding decisions, the better.”

Matt had another question. “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Robin responded. “That’s an excellent question. Autopilot is only a bad thing when you continuously repeat ineffectual or self- defeating behaviors until they become automatic and habitual. On the other hand, you want positive behaviors to become so routine that they occur virtually out of conscious awareness, thus freeing your brain for more complicated procedures.” Mindfulness, when it involves cultivating self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits, leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.

“Have you known people who seem to be real pros at relationships? Have you known people who seem to have a knack for it, and make masterful relating seem natural and easy? Well, for some it is relatively easy because they have well-established “foundational” relating habits in place. You can to. It’s a matter of awareness of choices and following through making those choices into habits.”

Matt had been following Robin’s explanation by way of an outline Robin handed him when she began her description of the process. He was excited and eager to begin. “I can do this,” said Matt. “All I needed was a clear plan, and this is it. I can definitely see how I’m going to make this work. I’m ready to go, and I’m looking forward to sharing the results with you next time.”

Mindfully Changing Habits

Decades of relationship work have led us to a deeper understanding of the role of habits in everything we do. Current brain research has given us powerful tools for changing habits. You don’t have to be habitually controlled by memories of your past, or habitually caught up in fear of the future, or habitually stressed out and confused by what’s happening right now. You can be conscious and intentional in training your mind to deal with ever-present challenges with powerful and effective automated behaviors. In other words, you can be mindful and truly masterful in your relationships through the interplay of mindful awareness and mindful habit change. All you need is to remember to be mindful of creative choices for building your relationships, while having basic positive, relationship-enhancing habits already well in place.

Want to have really great relationships? Want to be the best version of yourself in relationships that you can imagine? Does it take self-discipline? Yes, but you really don’t need any more self-discipline than what’s required to automate powerful foundational relationship habits.

In the above session with Robin, Matt asked the question: “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Following is how Jon Kabat-Zinn describes mindfulness:

“Mindfulness is being aware, on purpose and nonjudgmentally, of what is happening as it is happening in the present moment. Mindfulness is about being conscious, conscientious, intentional, and effective. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, while being flexible and receptive to whatever is going on. The opposite of mindfulness is being mindless, often on autopilot, reacting your way through your life with little awareness of choices. Mindlessness accounts for much of what we do that is ineffectual, counterproductive, contrary to our values, or self-destructive. Mindlessness is a relationship destroyer.”

So, being mindful is a good thing. I think we can all agree upon that. Should we therefore strive to be mindful all the time? Is autopilot always a bad thing? The answer to both questions is no!

Habits exist for a reason. You repeat things that are pleasurable and learn to avoid things that are painful or dangerous, and with repetition you create strong, enduring habits. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. Imagine, if you will, driving your car. What if you had to be totally mindful of every single movement? Of course you’re supposed to be paying attention, but much of your driving behavior is automatic, freeing your brain up to focus on many other things. This isn’t bad. It’s simply the way things are. Your brain is constantly creating habits, good ones and bad ones. You may as well take charge and create good ones, changing your default setting from self-defeating autopilot responses to positive and effective autopilot responses.

Robin had responded to Matt: “Mindfulness, or self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.”

So, great relationships depend upon both mindfulness, leading to creativity and psychological flexibility, and basic foundational healthy responses that have been automated to free your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues. That having been said, there’s a lot that can be learned about healthy choices. As we have seen above, when those healthy choices are repeated frequently enough, they not only get easier, they become routine.

YOU CAN MINDFULLY CHANGE HABITS. In Chapter 8 we will take a look at the Transtheoretical Stages of Change and the overall Mindful Choices Therapy model for “Relational Excellence.”

 Let’s revisit Matt as he learns about “habitualizing,” and building powerful “foundational” habits.

Matt’s story is one of several found throughout the book. We use Matt’s journey to illustrate key points and concepts. Matt’s story, however, is particularly important because it can be used as a template for your Mindful Relating development. Read the story very carefully; it’s loaded with important details. Apply the process as described to your own relationship, and you will find you have the power to greatly improve the quality of your relationship while becoming quite skillful not only in the way you deal with a particular relationship but also with relationships in general.

Following this plan doesn’t guarantee the success of your relationship, only that you are very effective in influencing relationship success while helping your partner more readily join with you in building that relationship. The best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only five to ten minutes a day and requires very little willpower.

Here's a powerful tool for helping you with mindful awareness and purposefully creating positive habits. It's called "WOOP."

The following information on “WOOP” is drawn largely from the work of Gabriele Oettingen in Rethinking Positive Thinking, 2015.

Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan (WOOP)

Matt arrived early for his weekly session. Sitting alone in the waiting room, he decided to take some time to review written information he’d been given on Mindful Choice 5, Self-Reflection and Managing Negative Self-talk (Mindful Choice 5 is one of our 10 "Mindful Choices" from our book Mindful Choices for Well-Being. More information can be found in appendix 1). The material began with a quotation. He’d seen it before and wondered how someone in the first century A.D. could so succinctly sum up his experience in 2015.

Epictetus had said: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”

That’s got to be true, thought Matt. I sometimes respond as though Beverly is the enemy. I know that’s not true. Why then do I sometimes snap at her? Why is it so easy for me to be defensive? It seems so automatic. Before I realize it, I’m overreacting. I’m way over the top. Yes, Beverly can be difficult at times. Isn’t that true of everybody? But it’s not what she’s actually saying—it’s how I take it. Why can’t I change this? Why do I keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again? I feel anger and irritation so easily, and before I know it, I’ve put my foot in my mouth one more time, like a thousand times before. Why can’t I change? Really change? Is lasting change possible?

Those are some of the questions Matt posed to Robin. He had previously decided to work on Mindful Choice 7, Intentional Relating, and now he was realizing his reactions had a lot to do with Mindful Choice 5 material on underlying self-talk and beliefs – much of it going back to childhood. He repeated the questions: “Why can’t I change? Is real change actually something I can accomplish?”

Robin replied: “The short answer is yes, of course you can change. You can change virtually anything that’s important to you, but it takes more than wishing. In fact, wishing alone makes it less likely that you will do anything effective about the problem. It seems your brain is easily satisfied by the fantasy of the relationship going well, and so the pressure is taken off actually having to do something. I guess that’s where we get the term ‘wishful thinking.’

 “Okay,” said Robin. “I can see this is really important to you, so let’s talk about a systematic way of bringing about change, actually a combination of methods validated by a mountain of scientific research. Let me introduce you to WOOP, which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, and Plan. This process can be applied to anything you want to change or accomplish, and the research is clear. You are far more likely to follow through and achieve the results you want if you go further than wishing and incorporate a plan for dealing with things that get in the way.”

“Let’s start with your wish. What’s the immediate wish you have? What is a feasible change, something that you want to increase, decrease, or modify?”

Matt didn’t have to think much. “That’s easy. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner. It’s not her; it’s me. I seem to have a hair trigger, and I’m really crabby—sometimes, I’m downright mean. When I’m like that I don’t like me very much, and I don’t think she does either.”

Robin responded: “Okay, let’s talk about Outcome. Imagine the positive future outcome of being able to fulfill this wish consistently. What would that look like?”

Matt was ready with an answer: “Again, that’s an easy one. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with. I suppose I was once. I’d like to be there again.”

“Good,” Robin responded. “It would be great if imagining your preferred outcome was sufficient to bring about change, but unfortunately it’s not. By itself the wish is no more than wishful thinking, and it can even trick your brain into being satisfied enough by the fantasy to not invest any energy in going further. Researchers have found, however, that pairing up the fantasy with the reality of what gets in the way, a practice called mental contrasting, really puts things in motion. Identifying realistic obstacles in contrast to a wish greatly increases your power to make lasting changes.”

“Okay, let’s tackle the obstacle or obstacles. What’s the most critical personal obstacle, or collection of obstacles, standing in the way of fulfilling your wish?”

This was more difficult, thought Matt. “Let me think about that for a moment. For sure it’s not something that Beverly is doing. It’s all within me. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Before I know it, I’m responding . . .” Matt seemed to be struggling for the right word.

 “Mindlessly?” Robin volunteered the term, and Matt quickly responded: “Yes, I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own. How do I break free?”

Robin replied, “First, let’s break it down. Imagine the last few times you were a grouch. Building upon what you’ve already learned about mindfulness and mindlessness, what do you suppose was happening?”

“Well, I definitely wasn’t being mindful,” Matt replied. “When Beverly started to talk I instantly perceived what she was saying as criticism and began playing my ‘victim movie.’ I thought to myself, here we go again! This is another thing I screwed up. Then I had to fight back. I guess I think if I don’t fight back, maybe I really will be seen as incompetent or simply a bad person. I suppose if I had been watching my breathing, I would’ve realized that I was definitely ‘uptight,’ with shallow breathing and a lot of tension in my upper chest, neck, shoulders, and face. It all happens so fast, and why shouldn’t it? It’s been rehearsed again and again, all the way back into my childhood when I felt overly criticized by my parents and picked on by my brothers. Wow, I never saw it so clearly before. I’ve been stuck here a long time. I really want this to change.”

Matt’s sincerity and eagerness were quite apparent to Robin, and she said, “Matt, the most important part of what we’re doing today is the last WOOP step, Plan. We’ll put together a detailed plan, based on methods that have been solidly researched, methods that greatly increase the probability you will not only make the changes you want but will also stick to them over time, transforming your relationship with Beverly. Also, we will deal with the larger context of how you deal with Beverly in general.”

The following is a recap of the WOOP method worked out for Matt to help him deal with his angry, irritable, and defensive behavior. This strategy will then become part of a larger strategy for building positive foundational habits. Note that “Plan” has been filled in.

WOOP is an acronym for Wish, Outcome, Obstacle, and  Plan. The WOOP strategy contains four steps.

• Wish — The first step is to name an important but feasible wish that one would like to fulfill. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner.
• Outcome – the second step is to identify and imagine the positive future    outcome of wish. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with.
• Obstacle — the third step is to identify and imagine the most critical personal obstacles that stand in the way of wish fulfillment. When Beverly starts to talk I instantly perceive what she is saying as criticism and begin playing my ‘victim movie.’  I’m preprogrammed, and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own.

Robin proceeded to outline a five-step plan: Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition, a plan designed to build strong, “foundational” relationship habits.

The Five Step Plan

At least 40 percent of everything we do, say, think, or feel is habitual. With repetition our brain’s basal ganglia creates habits. It’s your brain’s way of being efficient and conserving energy. Unfortunately, bad habits are created as well as good habits, and habits are hard to change. Our five-step process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition is designed to reprogram your brain through an ongoing process that takes minimal willpower and minimal time. The feedback from hundreds of our clients? It works! We start with Intention, getting back to Matt’s story once again.

Step 1: INTENTION

Robin continued. “Author Wayne Dyer has said: ‘Our intention creates our reality.’ Certainly, major change requires intention, the desire for things to be different or better than they are. What we suggest is that you write out your intention on a sticky note and put it on the mirror so that you can see it each morning as you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. To give your intention an added boost, we also suggest you post one of your favorite pictures of Beverly. You can’t change things you’re not aware of, so you need to start your day by connecting to your goal, getting desired changes into your brain, and embarking on a process of making those changes solid and permanent.

“Take just a minute to connect with your intention. Make sure you understand how this intention is an integral part of your overall life plan. Understand why this is important to you.

“Make it powerful! This first step should serve as a clear and compelling catalyst for launching a daily routine leading to rich rewards. However, in spite of the obvious benefits, many people simply forget to take this first step, so here’s what we suggest:

“Keep it simple, something like ‘I intend to follow a daily routine of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice for treating Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy. My reward will be building powerful foundational skills for relating to Beverly in such a way that our relationship is strengthened and enriched.’ You can modify the statement, but make sure your statement includes routine and reward, components absolutely necessary for habit formation.

“It’s extremely important to connect the cue with the routine and the expected reward. The cue is your daily self-assessment. Your reward is a greatly improved relationship. It’s vital that you believe getting increasingly higher daily scores on your daily self-assessment will result in powerful habits for relating consciously and intentionally, habits that will serve as a foundation for the relationship you’ve always wanted. Take just a moment to reflect on this intention as you are shaving or brushing your teeth, and you’re on your way.

“Additionally, we suggest you keep a journal, recording thoughts you have throughout the day in regard to Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice. We suggest you record at least three things that went well in your relationship, why they went well, why they are important to you, and how you can have more of

these rewards in your daily life. Record any other thoughts and insights about your daily self-assessment, along with notes to yourself on how to improve the process. Again, this is research-based and will give your habit development a powerful boost.”

Step 2: AWARENESS

“You can’t change something that you’re not aware of! We are all about habits, good ones and bad ones. Being a grouch or being defensive are no less bad habits than nail-biting or procrastinating. The important thing is to develop a mindful awareness of the present moment, catching yourself in the act while being aware at the same time of your commitment to make changes.

“Each morning, look back upon the past twenty-four hours and take about three minutes to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, recording your score on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. This should only take you about three minutes to respond with a zero to four on each of the ten statements, including recording the results.

“This last part is vital! Recording the results on the profile sheet is absolutely important to your success. We’ve got to get your self-assessment into your conscious awareness and keep it there on a daily basis. Also, this program works if you believe it will work, and you can’t help becoming a believer when you can see the results each day of getting better and better on the way you relate to Beverly. You won’t get it perfectly, and that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself. Let go of self-judgment and just tell yourself that you’re a work in progress and resolve to faithfully follow the plan. The important thing is to stay focused on the process and not allow yourself to get caught up in a preoccupation with past or future or with how things should be”

Matt replied, “I know this sounds silly, and I know it only takes three minutes, but I’ve got a lot of things on my mind when I first get up. How do I remind myself to do it? I’m super forgetful, particularly in the morning.”

“I understand,” Robin said. “I guess that applies to most of us. What’s one thing that you do consistently every morning when things begin to slow down a bit?”

“That’s easy,” said Matt. “I can’t get going on anything until I get a cup of coffee. Then I sit for a bit and collect my thoughts.”

“Perfect!” said Robin. “That’s a great opportunity to remind yourself to take three minutes to complete your assessment and record your results on the profile sheet. That’s it! Just look back on the last twenty-four hours, record your

score on your profile sheet, and move onto the next step. By the way, the next step, visualization meditation, may take another three to five minutes. All in all, though, when you think about it, it’s not a huge investment for dramatically improving the way you relate to Beverly. And if it would help,” Robin added with a smile, “you might consider posting a ‘Do my assessment!’ reminder note on the coffee maker.”

Step 3: FOCUS

“This is where WOOP comes in. Your wish is the easy part. The wish is simply getting all 4s on your assessment tomorrow. You’re already clear on the Outcome as well as the Obstacles.

The next step is formulating an if-then plan. Being very specific, plan what you will do when you notice elements of being uptight. For example, if you notice any of these elements, then you will take three deep breaths, remind yourself of your intention to build a satisfying relationship with Beverly, remind yourself of all the benefits of being in such a relationship, and commit yourself to listening without defensiveness, giving up having to be right, having to win, having to fix it, or having to escape or avoid. Instead you will focus on understanding, suspend operating from your ego, put your own stuff on the back burner, and tune in calmly and respectfully to Beverly.

“Use the same formula for any other obstacles you identify, and if you want to make your if-then planning really powerful, write down the plan! The simple act of writing down your plan in detail increases the power of the step exponentially.

“Visualize the process, not so much the end goal. If you focus too much on the end goal your brain will experience a release of dopamine and a sense of reward. You may actually lose motivation as your brain perceives the work is done. It’s far more effective to visualize the process in detail. Be process-oriented rather than goal-oriented.

“Looking forward, visualize proceeding through your day in such a manner that you will be pleased when you next complete an Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, approximately twenty-four hours later. However, it’s not just a matter of wanting to do well. You must also visualize the obstacles you’ve already identified. Visualize all the signs of being ‘uptight,’ such as shallow breathing, muscular tension, defensive self-talk, or a strong desire to avoid or escape—all signs of being in fight-flight-freeze mode.

 “We suggest starting off with your usual meditation, although it doesn’t have to be very long. In fact, it might only be three to five minutes. Next, visualize responding to each obstacle with your if-then plan. Take your time and visualize successfully enacting your plan with great detail as though it’s actually happening. The more detail, the better. Incorporate sights, sounds, events, and so on, and don’t forget to imagine all the good feelings you’re going to have as you see yourself growing in your ability to be conscious and intentional in the way you relate to Beverly. Most of all, though, remember that you’re training your brain to deal with challenges.”

“Don’t make it easy on yourself. Picture working through difficult situations and mentally rehearse responding well regardless of Beverly’s actions. Remember, she’s human, and she can be difficult also. That shouldn’t keep you from responding mindfully and with emotional intelligence. Also, don’t forget to imagine yourself practicing self-calming skills, such as diaphragmatic breathing, taking the time to get yourself out of fight-flight-freeze mode.

“This is something we call Visualization Meditation, imagining going through your day step by step and performing in the optimal area on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment. It’s very similar to the mental rehearsal of top-performing athletes, and what has been shown in research time and time again to be highly effective in establishing desired behaviors and enhancing performance. The better your mental rehearsal, the better the outcome.”

Step 4: PRACTICE

“Habits and practice are absolutely interrelated. Anything you repeat is on its way to becoming a habit. Bill and I are constantly telling people that they can change virtually anything they want to change. All they have to do is cultivate present-moment awareness, break the behavior down into bite-size pieces, choose new behaviors, and add regular practice plus calm perseverance otherwise known as patience. There you have it—new habits are formed!”

“Throughout the day, perform mind-body checks, pausing to take three deep breaths and then tuning into your mind and body and reminding yourself of your intention to manage your stress and specifically to manage your relationship consciously and intentionally. This is also a great time to repeat affirmations you created to keep you on track about your desire for doing your part to build a strong, satisfying, loving relationship with Beverly.”

“An affirmation can be as simple as stating your intention as though it’s actually happening already, such as: I treat Beverly with respect, understanding, and empathy.”

 “Again, pair the small self-reflection breaks with a high probability behavior, such as taking a drink of water, coffee, tea, or another beverage. The high probability behavior then becomes your cue to remind yourself of your intention.”

Matt had a question: “What if I’m doing much better, and Beverly is the one being difficult? What if she’s not responding in a positive way to me?”

Robin had anticipated this question, and she replied: “That’s a great question, and one we hear all the time. We have a simple answer—do the right thing anyway! No one is perfect, and your partner’s not perfect either. Change the things you can change. Remember, you’re developing strong habits for being really masterful in the way you communicate with Beverly. The way you respond cannot be contingent on Beverly’s behavior. Simply focus on being increasingly skillful with practice, regardless of what’s happening with Beverly. In general, you’ll probably notice the relationship becoming more satisfying, more open, and more trusting, but like any other relationship there will be peaks and valleys. Your job is to be remain selfaware and self-managing in such a manner that you’re consistently contributing a positive and constructive presence.”

Step 5. REPETITION

Robin continued. “Let’s get back to the steps. Repeat the entire process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits. You may need as many as six of the profile sheets covering a full 60 days of practice. On the other hand, you may find change coming about much more quickly. The idea is to have your daily results consistently in the optimal area, and maintain the results at that level.”

“You’ve no doubt heard it said that it takes twenty-one days to create a habit. However, according to research, it can take much longer depending upon the habit. We believe that keeping your score in the optimal level for twenty-one days is probably enough to be transformational. In any event, focus on the process rather than the product. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing. Ultimately, the results will be quite impressive.”

“This approach to change is evidence-based and largely grows out of cuttingedge neuroscience research. We’ve seen great results.”

 “HABITUALIZING”

Relationship difficulties usually don’t occur because of lack of awareness of positive ways of communicating. Instead, they tend to occur because of habitual ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving, and behaving. The problem isn’t so much what’s going on in the present moment, as how it’s perceived in a rather consistent way. Past learning and choices have given rise to habitual knee-jerk reactions. Let’s again rejoin Matt and Robin as Matt learns about replacing negative habits with positive habits.

Robin went on. “Our brains are amazing. There is nothing more complicated in the universe, and such complexity requires an enormous amount of energy, more than any other human organ. In fact, your brain uses up to 20 percent of the body’s total energy requirement. Habits are the way your brain conserves energy, freeing energy for more complex problem-solving. For example, you didn’t have to think about driving here. You just drove, and probably you were able to focus on many other things during the drive. Driving has become routine and habitual, and that’s just one example of a great many things that have become habits. The more habits, the more things are routine, the more energy your brain has available to do the “heavy lifting” of really tough issues. To conserve energy, we constantly form habits, either good ones or bad ones, and now you’re going to get to choose which relationship and communication habits you’re forming and strengthening.

Our term for this process is “habitualizing.” The less you have to think about basic communication, the more energy your brain has available to deal with complex issues that occur in every relationship. For example, if you habitually respond to Beverly by actively engaging her in a constructive manner, habitually shift into present-moment awareness rather than getting stuck in the past or future, habitually drop defensiveness, habitually listen attentively and not reactively, habitually describe your feelings rather than attack with them, and habitually focus on self-awareness and self-management rather than trying to change your partner, then your brain can deal with the complicated and challenging relationship issues that constantly arise. You don’t have to think about whether to choose “fight or flight” or “tend and befriend.” Basic skills have become “habitualized.” Relating well has become routine, an SOP or ‘Standard Operating Procedure’ for your relationship, and all in just ten minutes a day.

“Besides, there is such a thing as ‘decision fatigue’ where your brain is simply tired of constantly making decisions about how to respond, and it leads to decision avoidance through withdrawal or defensiveness. The more you can reduce the number of trivial responding decisions, the better.”

Matt had another question. “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Robin responded. “That’s an excellent question. Autopilot is only a bad thing when you continuously repeat ineffectual or self- defeating behaviors until they become automatic and habitual. On the other hand, you want positive behaviors to become so routine that they occur virtually out of conscious awareness, thus freeing your brain for more complicated procedures.” Mindfulness, when it involves cultivating self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits, leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.

“Have you known people who seem to be real pros at relationships? Have you known people who seem to have a knack for it, and make masterful relating seem natural and easy? Well, for some it is relatively easy because they have well-established “foundational” relating habits in place. You can to. It’s a matter of awareness of choices and following through making those choices into habits.”

Matt had been following Robin’s explanation by way of an outline Robin handed him when she began her description of the process. He was excited and eager to begin. “I can do this,” said Matt. “All I needed was a clear plan, and this is it. I can definitely see how I’m going to make this work. I’m ready to go, and I’m looking forward to sharing the results with you next time.”

Mindfully Changing Habits

Decades of relationship work have led us to a deeper understanding of the role of habits in everything we do. Current brain research has given us powerful tools for changing habits. You don’t have to be habitually controlled by memories of your past, or habitually caught up in fear of the future, or habitually stressed out and confused by what’s happening right now. You can be conscious and intentional in training your mind to deal with ever-present challenges with powerful and effective automated behaviors. In other words, you can be mindful and truly masterful in your relationships through the interplay of mindful awareness and mindful habit change. All you need is to remember to be mindful of creative choices for building your relationships, while having basic positive, relationship-enhancing habits already well in place.

Want to have really great relationships? Want to be the best version of yourself in relationships that you can imagine? Does it take self-discipline? Yes, but you really don’t need any more self-discipline than what’s required to automate powerful foundational relationship habits.

In the above session with Robin, Matt asked the question: “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose—purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Following is how Jon Kabat-Zinn describes mindfulness:

“Mindfulness is being aware, on purpose and nonjudgmentally, of what is happening as it is happening in the present moment. Mindfulness is about being conscious, conscientious, intentional, and effective. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, while being flexible and receptive to whatever is going on. The opposite of mindfulness is being mindless, often on autopilot, reacting your way through your life with little awareness of choices. Mindlessness accounts for much of what we do that is ineffectual, counterproductive, contrary to our values, or self-destructive. Mindlessness is a relationship destroyer.”

So, being mindful is a good thing. I think we can all agree upon that. Should we therefore strive to be mindful all the time? Is autopilot always a bad thing? The answer to both questions is no!

Habits exist for a reason. You repeat things that are pleasurable and learn to avoid things that are painful or dangerous, and with repetition you create strong, enduring habits. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. Imagine, if you will, driving your car. What if you had to be totally mindful of every single movement? Of course you’re supposed to be paying attention, but much of your driving behavior is automatic, freeing your brain up to focus on many other things. This isn’t bad. It’s simply the way things are. Your brain is constantly creating habits, good ones and bad ones. You may as well take charge and create good ones, changing your default setting from self-defeating autopilot responses to positive and effective autopilot responses.

Robin had responded to Matt: “Mindfulness, or self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants—being effortlessly effective.”

So, great relationships depend upon both mindfulness, leading to creativity and psychological flexibility, and basic foundational healthy responses that have been automated to free your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues. That having been said, there’s a lot that can be learned about healthy choices. As we have seen above, when those healthy choices are repeated frequently enough, they not only get easier, they become routine.

YOU CAN MINDFULLY CHANGE HABITS. In Chapter 8 we will take a look at the Transtheoretical Stages of Change and the overall Mindful Choices Therapy model for “Relational Excellence.”