Chapter 5: 

Choice and Self-Management-The Mindful Choices Therapy Model

Excellence is an art won by training and habituation. We do not act rightly because we have virtue or excellence, but we rather have those because we have acted rightly. We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.

                                                                                                          Aristotle

Relational Mindfulness is the result of cultivating self-awareness and self-management so that  when needed, you can  take a “mindful pause” between stimulus and response, choosing an emotionally intelligent response consistent with your values and relationship enhancing behaviors.

                                                                                                        Shearer and Shearer

The Master Plan for Your Relational Mindfulness Training:

• Start with intention to be the best person you can be in your relationship, an intention that is independent of your partner’s action.  It’s an intention to do the right thing anyway.
• Know that you can’t change the things you’re not fully aware of (and there is bound to be plenty you’re not fully or accurately aware of).  Resolve to get to know yourself better.
• Become aware through our assessments and the practice of “Relational Mindfulness.”
• Relational Mindfulness plus ongoing structured and systematic practice (Chapter 7: Habitualizing) will lead to powerful and positive foundational habits. Your relationship effectiveness and excellence will flow from great choices becoming great habits through our systematic process of intention, awareness, focus, and practice.
• While having powerful “foundational” relationship habits will not solve the complex problems of your relationship, it’s clear that those problems cannot be solved without these essential habits. Mastering these basic habits frees your brain’s energy for dealing with all relationship challenges, becoming truly masterful in how you show up in your relationship as the partner you want to be.

We define Relational Mindfulness as Relational Mindfulness as the result of cultivating self-awareness and self-management so that when needed, you can  take a “mindful pause” between stimulus and response, choosing an emotionally intelligent response consistent with your values and relationship enhancing behaviors.

Practice Relational Mindfulness for clarity of intention, great choices, and sharp focus.

Think for a moment about how you prepared for operating a motor vehicle. Did you read the manual and immediately proceed to taking your behind-the-wheel drivers’ test? Of course not! Would you listen to a few hours of French language tapes and consider yourself fluent in French? No, that wouldn’t make sense and Parisiens or French Canadians wouldn’t be impressed. Would you seek out a partner for life and raise children with that partner, with no formal training, or by simply reading self-help books? Most probably! With rare exceptions, isn’t that the way most of us do it?

 In the above quote Aristotle absolutely nailed it! Think about it for a moment. How many of your life activities have you trained for until they became second nature? Until they became habitual? How many of those activities have required ongoing training to ensure lasting competence?

You need extensive and ongoing training to be an accountant, fireman, police officer, surgeon, teacher, chef, electrician, psychologist and literally thousands of other occupations. Think of the training and practice that went into driving a car until you now drive a car without thinking very much about individual operations like looking both ways at an intersection or stopping at a red light. In fact, you’ve probably had the experience of driving for miles and miles with no memory of the trip. You were literally on “autopilot.” Your habits had taken over.

Much of what you do is automatic and based upon your training and practice. Police officers, firemen, soldiers, and surgeons in difficult situations fall back upon their training. Rigorous training leads to acting quickly and efficiently – and safely. Often the action doesn’t require much thinking at all. It’s habitual and the habit is the default when quick and effective action is required. This “automaticity” is vital, but is it always a good thing?

How about your most important human activity beyond what you need to do for basic safety and security? There is probably nothing more important in your life than your relationships, and there is nothing more complicated. We are social animals, and we survive and thrive socially. It’s who we are and how we’re wired. Working cooperatively in a team, leading others, and your day-to-day social interactions are complicated and challenging. Relating to your romantic partner or spouse, or parenting your children are incredibly complex activities, certainly more difficult than any of the activities previously mentioned. Did you receive training? Are some of your responses automatic? Are your responses helpful?

It’s not that there was no training whatsoever. As in any other human activity, you had plenty of training relating to others. Your parents, your teachers, your friends, and countless other people have been involved in your training. Like all of us, you have had many teachers. The question is not whether others have taught you about relationships, but what have they taught?

From your birth and throughout your life to the present time, your training, and other life experiences, have resulted in powerful habits, and those habits largely determine your reactions and your relational effectiveness. But, do these habits serve you well? Are they the right habits? Are they sometimes destructive, relationship damaging, or even relationship destroying? Could you do better?

So, how was your training? How much training have you had for being part of a couple? What was the quality of that training? How credible were your trainers? If you’re like most people, your training largely stems from your earliest attachments, your relationships with your parents and other important people as you grew up, and observations of your parents in their relationships with each other and with others. How did they do? What did you learn?

Did you take responsibility for teaching yourself how relationships work? Was there even an awareness that training and practice was necessary or important? Most people don’t see a need for formal training in relationships. It’s amazing that we typically focus more on learning baseball or operating our smart phones than learning how relationships work. Anyway, love is all you need. Right?

It was probably OJT or on the job training when you became part of a couple, only a great trainer may not have shown up for your training. Did you have a coach or mentor? A well- informed friend or family member? Did you have formal instruction? A few people actually have premarital counseling through their church or seek out a private counselor, but for most of us it was hit or miss, trial and error and we had to go it alone. If we had teachers, our teachers may have themselves been seriously flawed when it came to being conscious and intentional in their relationships.

And then there is the problem of habits. Most fail to recognize the importance of habits in relational behavior. We like to believe that we are fully in charge, making conscious choices and behaving rationally. In actuality at least 40% of what we do, say, think or feel is a habit. We’re largely mindless and on autopilot. We tend to follow our scripts, reacting the way we’ve always reacted. Einstein supposedly said:

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Einstein may have borrowed the saying from Benjamin Franklin, or from an ancient Chinese proverb, but it doesn’t matter. We tend to repeat the same behaviors over and over again out of habit – even when they don’t work! Yes, you too. All of us are creatures of habit.

Matt and Beverly sat in their marriage therapist’s office once again reflecting on why they were there. “It’s not like we have any major problems, “said Matt. “For the most part we get along great, and there are a lot of things we enjoy together. What do you think?” Beverly looked thoughtful. “Yes, it’s good 90% of the time – and terrible for 10%.

Their therapist had been observing this exchange and entered a comment: “It’s clear to me that you two love each other and it’s clear that you’re both committed to the relationship. That’s not the problem and that’s not going to change.”

“Okay,” said Matt. It sounds like we both agree what it’s not. So, what’s the problem? Why do we keep having that 10% that rips us apart?”

“That’s the right question to be asking and that’s why we’re here,” said the therapist. “It’s not a case of a good guy or bad guy, or figuring out who is defective. That’s a tremendous waste of time and leads nowhere. My job is to look for patterns, habitual destructive patterns that have crept into your relationship, and to help the two of you join forces in changing those habits. It needs to be the two of you against the problem or pattern instead of the two of you against each other. Also, it’s a matter of each of you becoming mindfully aware of your bad habits and systematically cultivating strong positive habits that benefit the relationship. And yes, each of you like every other human being has some bad habits when your bad habits interact, we have bad patterns.”

Their therapist went on: “Actually, I have a name for the pattern I’ve been observing. It’s called the Magpie-Mole Syndrome and it’s about relational habits stemming back to childhood. Matt, you grew up having to fight for your place among five brothers, and you quite naturally developed the habit of strongly defending and aggressively promoting your position — your point of view. You became the magpie. Beverly, you grew up in a volatile and contentious family. You hate conflict, and you avoid it like the plague. You became the mole. The more Mat gets emotional and pursues agreement, the more uncomfortable you become and the more you want to escape the conflict. However, the more you avoid, the more Matt tends to feel abandoned and then tries harder to connect with you. But, you two are a system. The more Matt is a relentless pursuer, the more you feel overwhelmed and want to escape – the more you want distance. Thus, as you become more of a mole, Matt becomes even more of the magpie It’s a vicious cycle and it just keeps going round and round and intensifying.”

“These are habitual behaviors and although the name of this behavior can sound humorous, it can be deadly to a long-term relationship. Let’s talk about how we can change the patterns. It’s not about a good guy and a bad guy, winning or losing It’s about recognizing long-standing relational habits and joining together to systematically change these habitual patterns.”

Matt and Beverly looked at each other and smiled. “Yeah, that sounds like us,” said Beverly. Matt nodded his head. “This makes sense. Things get out of balance whenever there’s an issue. We tend to blame each other, but it’s really our habits. We’ve got work to do.”

Aristotle said in the above quote: “We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act but a habit.” But what if what we are doing is largely a collection of bad habits? What if repeating those habits makes them stronger, and makes acting differently increasingly more difficult? How do we achieve excellence? How do we change bad habits?

In this book, you will be guided step-by-step in a process we call “Habitualizing.” You will learn how to transform bad habits or a destructive autopilot, into conscious and intentional choices that become powerful habits – a new autopilot. You will build strong foundational habits that will then free your brain’s energy for dealing with complicated issues. You will be guided by clear knowledge of what’s truly important to you, guided by your values and your basic need for a secure emotional attachment.

Our program is not simply learning about relationship skills. You probably already know what bad communication looks like. Similarly, you probably recognize good communication and  positive relationship skills when you see them demonstrated. That’s the theme of most self-help books and most self-help books fail to bring about real and lasting change.

Sarah was frustrated. She had a library of self-help books and had read them all. She devoured magazine articles. She regularly spent time in the “love” section of her favorite bookstore. Extremely knowledgeable on the subject, she regularly gave relationship advice to friends and family members, but dealing with herself was an entirely different matter. Her frustration was the result of her frequent angry outbursts when Steve, her fiancé, did something to trigger her insecurities, and she seemed so easily triggered. Afterwards, she felt guilty and she worried about the future of their relationship — but it still kept happening. She wondered: Why can’t I get it together? No one is more knowledgeable about relationships, but once I get angry, everything I know flies out the window. Why can’t I manage better? What’s wrong with me?

We asked you to imagine taking your driver’s test after having done nothing more than read the driver’s manual provided by the Department of Motor Vehicles. It would be a formula for failure.. The manual provided great information but something vital would be missing.

For example, why don’t we simply give you a manual for your relationship. We could give you a list of 100 great choices for your relationship. In fact, that’s sort of what we do with our Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment. The correct answer for each of the 100 statements is “4.” All you would have to do is embrace those choices and your relational life will be wonderful. Simple, right? Actually, you probably already know that wouldn’t be enough to a bring about lasting changes.

Too many choices? Well, let’s make it simpler still. We will give you a list of 10 great choices, the 10 most significant choices you could make for being truly masterful in a relationship. This is in fact what we do in our Daily Mindful Choices Self-Assessment. All you have to do is act in such a way that you could give yourself a “4” with each of 10 statements. Would that work?

What would you do with such a list, if that’s all you were given? Our guess, nothing! It would simply be a list of great choices for your relationship. Would you wake up in the morning and say to yourself: “Wow, I can’t wait to do my list today?” Of course not. While you might have some initial curiosity and interest, our list would probably have minimal impact upon your long-term behavior.

What’s missing? Knowing the right relationship moves and doing them consistently are two very different things. What’s missing is relentless, systematic, structured practice.

Now suppose on the other hand, in giving you our 100 item monthly assessment, or our 10 item daily assessment, we did more than simply give you a list of good behaviors. Suppose our assessments showed you clearly where you were on a path to being masterful in your relationship, clearly identifying good choices, bad choices, and opportunities for enriching your relational life. But that’s not all…

Further suppose the assessments not only resulted in profiles showing you at a glance where you're at in your relationship skills each day, but also came with a strategic plan and a clear and simple to follow action planning guide for systematically, step-by-step, day by day, developing rock-solid positive and enduring relationship habits. Suppose you had a way of actually rewiring your brain with habits that would have a lasting positive effect on your relationships. It’s much more than reading the manual. It takes practice, and practice, and more practice. However, the practice needs to be focused and the right practice. The habits you are developing need to be the specific habits most needed for you to achieve relational excellence.

So, where do you begin? Here is something we introduced in our previous book: Mindful Choices for Well-Being. As therapists, we’ve found there are three important questions that should to be answered before undertaking any journey seeking important and lasting change.

The Three Questions

 If we could first learn where we are and where we are going, we would be better able to judge what to do and how to do it.”

                                                                                                             Abraham Lincoln

Figure 5-1: The Three Questions

In beginning anything as ambitious as changing old habits or developing and strengthening conscious and intentional relationship habits, there are three important questions:

1.  Where am I now? Answering this question is about being aware. Where am I in my ability to show up in my relationship highly competent and skillful in making my relationship work? What am I doing that takes away from a successful relationship? What are my habits, good and bad? What is the impact of ineffective habits of reactivity or avoidance on my relationship? What are the costs of my bad relationship habits and do I want to keep paying them? Our self-assessments provide the answers.

Our monthly 100 item Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment will pinpoint where you are on your journey from your present relationship to “Mindful Relating. “The assessment will reveal areas of strength and areas you might choose to work on. Moreover, the assessment is repeated monthly so that progress is readily observable and a source of renewed motivation.

Two daily assessments, our 10 item global self-assessment and our 10 item choices specific assessment, are the keys to our “Habitualizing” process. The time commitment is only about 15 minutes but as you’ll see in our examples, daily self-monitoring and practice, if consistent and ongoing, will result in enduring and powerfully positive relationship habits.

Also, working our plan will result in being further along your “Relationship Roadmap” each month.  You are a work in progress, and your answer to “Where am I now?” will change as you work the program.

Chapters 9 and 10 will introduce the 100 item Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment and provide instructions on recording responses and completing your Mindful Choices for Couples profile. Your total score will be your estimate of where you are now, and will also serve as a reference point for your progress. 

2.  Where am I going (My vision)? What is my vision for Relational Mindfulness? Where do I want to be on the continuum from my starting point to being truly masterful in the way I interact with my partner? How much do I want to be fully conscious and intentional in my relationship?  How successful and satisfying do I want my relationship to be for both of us?

We will guide you in identifying an inviting relationship future, a future where conflict and relationship anxiety are managed with mindfulness and skill, and your relationship is satisfying and enjoyable. An investment of 15 minutes a day can bring you enormous benefit.

Each of our 100 statements in the monthly self-assessment, or the 10 statements in the daily self-assessment, or the 10 item choices specific assessment, is an ideal and responding with a 4 can be seen as the response that is most desirable.  Adding the points on the monthly 100 item assessment will yield a score between zero and 200 points. We’ve found that a score of roughly hundred points is average.

A total score of 150 to 200 points could take months to achieve, but steadily moving in that direction will have a profoundly positive effect on your life.  A total score over 100 points (we refer to this area as “above the line”) characterizes above average Relational Mindfulness. An average total score lying between 150 and 200 points can be your “vision” of the ideal Relational Mindfulness future, or “thriving.”

Beware of perfectionism. Even your authors fall short of 200 points. It’s a great ideal but don’t forget you’re only human. You’re a work in progress. Celebrate any and all movement towards the ideal, and don’t beat yourself up for imperfection.

Figure 5-2: Above and below the line

3.  How do I get there? What are my choices and what is my “Roadmap” for getting there? Our assessments cover the major aspects of being great in a relationship. Our Action Planning Guides will keep you moving step-by-step toward actualization of each "Choice." Repeated assessment will reassure you that you are on track and making progress toward consistently showing up in your relationship as the person you want to be in that relationship.

We suggest taking the 100 item assessment once a month to see how far you have traveled on your “Roadmap.”  Use the same profile sheet, recording your results each month in a different color. It’s highly motivational. You’ll see progress month after month, and clearly see areas where you need to intensify your effort, as well as areas where you are doing well.

After doing your initial 100 item assessment, make a commitment to begin your Habitualizing work with the daily 10 item global self-assessment, and the 10 item choice specific assessment.. As specific items come to be consistently scored a “4,” on the global self-assessment, those items can be replaced with more difficult items from the longer monthly assessment. In this manner, you’re consistently challenging yourself to improve your awareness and skill.

A word of caution – you will feel challenged when you see the gap between where you are at present, and where you want to be. You may feel overwhelmed.  The gap can be experienced as either emotional tension or creative tension.  Emotional tension means more anxiety and stress and there is a natural tendency to reduce the stress by lowering the vision, or avoiding dealing with needed changes. Keep reminding yourself that you, like every other human being, is imperfect. You are, and always will be, a work in progress. Don’t let yourself be discouraged and don’t let emotional tension lead you to lowering your vision. Hang onto your vision steadfastly, no matter what setbacks you may experience. Success is incremental and gradual, and you will succeed as long as you refuse to give up the effort.

So, guard against emotional tension and the urge to lower your vision. Embrace the challenge. Creative tension means recognizing the challenge, rising to the occasion, and committing yourself to steady growth toward relational excellence.  We guarantee you will never regret making this choice.

Action Planning for Life-planning

Your belief in your capacity for making meaningful and long-lasting changes is all-important. Our Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment leads to the identification of gaps between where you are and where you want to be in 10 major choice areas.  What do you want to do about the gaps?  Do you believe you can make choices to close the gaps?  Do you know what the important choices are?  Are you empowered to make those choices?  Do you have the power to make the choices that will change your approach to your relationship?  Can you be the architect of the relationship skills you truly want to have? 

We often hear people say: “It’s just who I am. It’s how I was raised. It’s my personality.” We refer to this as the “Popeye Defense.” If you’re old enough, you may recall the cartoon character Popeye exclaiming: “I yam what I am, and that’s all that I yam.” We adamantly challenge this assertion. As long as you’re alive and have your mind and will, you are fully capable of making major changes.

Many believe they must play the cards they’ve been dealt, and see little opportunity for making different choices. Many do not believe they have the power to make far-reaching, transformational choices – and so they settle.  They reduce stress and tension by lowering the vision.  Henry Ford once said: “Whether you believe you can, or you believe you can’t, you’re right! “

Many believe, as in the Beatles song, “love is all you need.” That’s obviously not true. Romantic attraction and romantic love may bring you together, but it’s not enough to make the relationship work over time. Some anonymous person has said that although marriages may be made in heaven, the maintenance is up to us. Truer words were never spoken. Success requires ongoing learning and maintenance. It requires practice, practice, and more practice. The reality is that you are always either practicing good habits or bad habits and the point of this book is to have a plan for systematically practicing the good ones.

So now you know about the three most important questions: where are you at present, where do you want to go, and how are you going to get there?  The Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment answers the first question.  Scoring consistently in the optimal range can be an answer to the second question.  The third question is perhaps the most important.  How are you going to get from where you are to where you want to go?  How are you going to embrace creative tension, hang onto your vision and continuously ratchet up your present experience in the direction of that vision?  What is your plan?  What are the daily, weekly, and monthly steps?  What might get in the way?  How do you get motivated, stay motivated, and follow-through to achieving your vision?

Reflect for a moment of why you chose this book. When did you first realize you needed to make changes in the way you relate to your partner. There was probably a time when you either didn’t see a need to make changes or told yourself that that was just the way it was, with nothing that could be done.

A useful model when thinking about change is the “Transtheoretical Model of Change,” illustrated below:

Figure 5-3: Stages of change

Precontemplation is the stage prior to realizing there was a need to do better in your relationship. For some people, this stage is characterized by a solid belief that the problem is your partner or your partner’s behavior. You may not think you have a problem when it comes to relating. You might think you have it all together, or know everything you need to know. Like many people, you may not have come to the realization that you need to improve. After all, surely it’s your partner who is screwing up. Right? If this is you, it’s unfortunate. We all can do better, but without awareness, you’re stuck. No learning and growth is possible without the realization that your learning and growth is necessary for your relationship to do well.

Contemplation means you have somehow become more aware. You have figured it out that you don’t have all the answers and that maybe, just maybe, some of the problem is – you! Maybe your partner or someone else has finally gotten through to you and convinced you that you’re not perfect after all. This might be quite difficult. Please note, if you can’t quite get there, you’re probably quite ineffective in the way you relate to your partner. Perhaps you’ve received an ultimatum from your partner. You know the status quo is no longer good enough. You’ve decided you need to make changes but you are unclear on what changes are needed or how to go about it.

Preparation involves seeking answers by talking to friends, searching the Internet, thinking about the next step, and purchasing this book. You want direction. You want a plan, a roadmap.

Action is already taking place. You’re reading this material and hopefully you’ve already taken the self-assessment. You’re about to embark on our process of “Habitualizing,” the step-by-step systematic process of turning great choices into solid foundational habits.

Maintenance is the practice. No lasting change can take place without ongoing practice based upon regular self-assessment.

Termination does not mean termination of focusing on your relationship or cessation of practicing Mindful Relating. In our system, it simply means that your reach a point where you have solid foundational habits, and a heightened awareness of what it takes to be successful in a relationship. At that point, the daily self-assessment and “Habitualizing” practice may no longer be necessary.

Skill development can be an uneven and sometimes frustrating process. There may be times when you seem to be moving in the wrong direction. However, with persistence you’ll find yourself with a growing confidence in your ability to be masterful in the way you approach your relationship. The following is an illustration of the process from an awkward beginning to personal mastery.

Figure 5-4: Stages of skill learning

You may even have bad days when you seem to be back to “square one.” No, you can’t go back to square one, you can’t erase what you’ve learned. It’s simply that old habits are resistant to change, and increased stress can cause ineffective habits to re-emerge. Don’t worry and don’t tell yourself you failed. It is simply a “deviation,” not  a failure. You will surely deviate from the plan. That’s simply a deviation from your intended goal and quite human. However, deviations are not failures. You can’t possibly fail to make progress as long as you keep getting back on the path of Mindful Relating.

So, what is the pathway? Relational Mindfulness Training is a six step process of mindful awareness, mindful choice and systematic development a positive habits.  It’s a process of moving from initial awareness to natural integration through habit formation.

Figure 5-5: Six Relational Mindfulness steps

Step One: Complete your assessment.

We begin the process of developing relational excellence with The Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment, an in-depth assessment covering 10 choice areas. Assessing how well you are doing in all 10 areas provides the basis for selectively and systematically learning how to develop your relationship effectiveness

Filling out the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet and the Mindful Choices for Couples Profile Sheet provides a starting point, a foundation upon which to base the development of Relational Mindfulness and relational self-management. We believe you'll find the assessment invaluable in providing useful insights and developing relational excellence.

Each of 10 Mindful Choices for Couples Choice area has 10 statements. Your task is to read each statement and decide the degree to which the statement typifies your behavior. Your choice is to select one of five descriptors, each with a different point value. The choices are: virtually never true (0 points), rarely true (1 point), sometimes true (2 points), often true (3 points), or consistently true (4 points).

Our intent is to provide a user-friendly self-assessment that is both educational and therapeutic. It's obvious that the "correct" score for each statement is "4," and knowing the "correct answer" can have a powerful and compelling effect on your thoughts and behaviors as you re-visit the assessment each month.

Be honest with yourself. In doing so you will identify things you can do that will dramatically impact your relationship choices and skills. Imagine what you would have to change in order to score yourself as "4" on each statement. That awareness and focus becomes your guide to what improvements are needed.

Don't let yourself be discouraged. The first time you work through the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment you may discover there are a number of areas that aren't going well. Perhaps you didn't even know why the choice was important or what needed to happen to improve your score in a particular area. That's okay. This is educational. Working the "Choices" helps you discover areas for improvement  and establish clear and achievable goals.  You will see where you are headed and the action planning guides will provide a realistic plan for getting there. The complete assessment is interpretable at a glance and serves as a ready-made treatment plan for becoming truly masterful in your relationship.

Also, don't let yourself be in too much of a hurry. You may have been struggling to get it right for a long time, perhaps for most of your life. Additionally, many relationship distressed people want things to happen NOW and tend to be very self-critical in the absence of immediate and perfect success. Perfectionism and impatience will almost certainly get in the way. As we are frequently telling our clients, "Over-control is out of control." The solution for “fixing” bad relationship habits is nothing less than lifestyle change. Such change, if it is real and enduring, always takes time. In our couple therapy groups, we encourage members to focus on one particular choice area, fully understanding and practicing the skills of that Choice before tackling still another Choice. Over time, impressive changes take place, but such lifestyle changes are never immediate. You have to slow down, focus, and be patient in order to grow. Buddhist teachers caution against "pushing the river." The kind of changes we’re talking about require patience and acceptance rather than volcanic struggling. In fact, it's often the struggling that’s getting in the way of learning and growth. Steady and patient repetition of the process of intention, awareness, focus, and practice keeps you moving toward your vision.

The Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment should take 30 - 45 min. to complete the first time through, and only 15- 20minutes once you are thoroughly familiar with the questions. Our recommendation is that the assessment be completed once the first week and thereafter only once every month.

Step Two: Score your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment.

You will notice that the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet lists all 10 choice areas along the left column. Scores for each day of the week can be recorded in a box to the right of the Step. Within each box are ten letters, a, b, c, d, e, f, g, h, i, and j, corresponding to the ten statements presented for each choice area.

Scores are recorded on the following scoring sheet (copies of all forms and assessments can be downloaded at www.mindfulchoicestherapy.com):             

Step Three: Complete your profile.

The completion of the profile for your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment clearly shows the degree of your choice effectiveness in each of the10 areas. You simply locate your score points on the profile and connect the dots.  An example of the profile sheet for is shown below. 

Figure 5-7: Sample Profile Sheet

The hypothetical scores on 10 Mindful Choices have been recorded at the appropriate spots on the profile, resulting in a clear picture of strengths and weaknesses.  At a glance you can see that while this is a rather average profile (10 being average), there is substantial room for improvement, and you can clearly see which areas need the most attention.  Your profile is the starting point for learning how to manage your choices be fully intentional.

Step Four: Where are you on your “Roadmap?”

Figure 5-8:Roadmap

Take the overall assessment once a month to track your progress. This can be quite motivational, as you see tangible evidence each month that you are making progress toward more satisfying and effective choices. Adding all ten scores results in a total score somewhere between 0 and 200.  This is an indication of where you’re at presently in your relationship, and where you want to be.

Plot your position on your roadmap once a month to track your progress.  This can be quite motivational, as you see tangible evidence each month that you are making progress toward more satisfying and effective choices.  We guarantee that as you move further along the path you will find yourself growing and changing toward having the relationship self-awareness and self-management you want. 

In an exciting discovery, we found that almost all our clients steadily progress along the pathway toward Relational Mindfulness. Initially, total scores are quite low, but month by month scores increase, and this progress is accompanied by significant gains in their sense of relationship mastering. As clients pass the 100 mark, a score we consider to be “normal” for couples, they are clearly feeling more effective than the relationship. This has led us to talk about being “above the line” and “below the line.” Above the line is well-being, or “thriving” as you get in the 150 range. Below the line is the area we consider “relationship dissatisfaction,” where your relationship seems unsatisfying and often overwhelmingly difficult.

Figure 5-9:Above and below

 Step Five: Daily Practice

The initial 100 item Mindful Choices for Couples self-assessment results in a profile that can be interpreted at a glance. We recommend that this assessment be completed once a month each time using a different color on the same profile sheet so you can see changes, areas of improvement, and areas needing attention.

 The next step is daily self-assessment, a 10 item assessment that should only take you about five minutes daily to score and record on your profile sheet. You have a choice of three different self-assessment tools as described below.

Figure 5-10: Three self-assessment tools

H42, usually the most powerful tool, is discussed in detail. Chapter 7.

The power of the process results from what’s done in between the monthly total assessments, and in addition to your daily self-assessment.  The heart of our program is step-by-step guidance in developing mastery for particular choice areas. An Action Planning Guide for each Choice presents in-depth information, specific suggestions, and a detailed plan which you will find useful in increasing your relational self-awareness and self-management.

Working systematically each day on your selected self-assessment tool to the point of competence and satisfaction, is accompanied by major changes in your life.  For either of the first two tools, when you reach the point where you have demonstrated solid progress, another more challenging item can be selected. Don’t be put off by thinking that this work requires a massive time commitment. In actual practice, great habits can be developed in as little as 5-15 minutes per day.

The following is a sample combination scoring form and profile form that you can use for 31 days, using additional forms as needed. These forms can be used for any of the three self-assessment tools. You may choose to continue with a particular tool until you are consistently in the optimal area. That's the area where habit formation occurs.

Figure 5-11: 31 day multi-purpose form (Available at www.beingtherightpartner.com

Let’s again check in with Matt on his journey of transformation.  Matt had taken our holistic assessment for life planning – Mindful Choices for Well-Being Self-Assessment the principal assessment featured in our previous book: Mindful Choices for Well-Being.

Figure 10-11: Mindful Choices for Well-Being

This assessment can be downloaded at our website www.mindfulchoicestherapy.com. It constitutes a broad holistic look at your life for the purpose of life-planning for well-being. Mindful Choice Seven is actually the subject of this book.

We recommend taking this holistic self-assessment. Often, difficulties you are experiencing in a larger context directly affect your relationship. Although the focus of this book is on your relational self-awareness and self-management, we invite you to put your relationship in perspective by considering how your life is proceeding overall

In the following vignette Matt is introduced to tools and strategies we have found useful in bringing about lasting change.  Tools such as Rational Emotive Therapy, Memory Reconsolidation or Coherence Therapy, Mental Contrasting, and Visualization Meditation will be briefly described.  Altogether these tools and strategies constitute what we refer to as Relational Mindfulness Training.  This vignette offers a general overview of our methods. Details on how to use these tools will be provided in Part III.

 It had been only five days since Matt completed his Mindful Choices for Well-Being Self-Assessment profile, but like tonight, he had looked it over many times.  This evening as he settled back in his chair, he felt a mixture of optimism and concern. The optimism resulted from scores that were already quite different than they would have been a month ago. The first Choice area, Breath Awareness and Retraining was a 13 out of 20. Not bad, thought Matt. When I started my score was 3, and I’m getting better and better. What a difference! If this were the only choice area the effect would still be incredible. I’m much more aware of my breath, moment by moment, and that awareness has become a powerful tool for managing my stress. Not bad!

As he surveyed the other scores, Matt noticed that all Mindful Choice areas had room for improvement. He felt pleased that five were in the “good” category. The remaining five however were in the “attention needed,” or “urgent attention needed categories.” Yes, Matt thought, there was definitely room for improvement, and he felt confident that he could in time improve on everything. However, he needed to prioritize. He recalled Robin saying: “All of the choice areas are relevant not only to stress, anxiety, and depression, but to your overall quality of life. Over time, as you improve your scores, you’ll notice liking your life more and more. Everything will seem to be working better, and you’ll feel solidly in charge. However, please don’t try to do everything at once. Let’s focus on one area at a time, build strong new habits in that area, and then move on. Anyway, the choices are interrelated and as you improve on one area, you’ll find other scores are improving as well. Let’s stay focused and work on what matters most. Trying to do everything at once is not only overwhelming, but much less effective.”

Matt stared at the profile. Mindful Eating had the lowest score. At 4 out of 20 It was definitely a problem area. Matt recalled Robin saying: “Matt, the way you approach food is a metaphor for how you approach your life. You eat on the run, skip meals, eat junk food, eat in your car, and routinely engage in high stress problem solving while eating. Think about it! How you eat is a reflection of how you view your life. Furthermore, it’s literally impossible to have solid self-care and effective stress management if you don’t have a peaceful relationship with food. Mealtime needs to be approached calmly and peacefully and can even be a form of meditation. It’s a chance to call “timeout” from stress and worry, a time to recharge your batteries and reconnect with what’s important, to reconnect with yourself and with life.”

Matt had already resolved to practice Mindful Eating. In fact, despite Robin’s insistence that only one area be worked on at a time, he was already making changes simply out of greater awareness and understanding. He’d stopped eating in his car and working through lunch. He was trying to slow down his eating. It was difficult, but he was confident that he would keep making progress now that he was more self-aware.

However, Mindful Eating hadn’t been his first choice.

Not his lowest scoring Mindful Choice, but the one generating greatest concern by far was Intentional Relating. Totally in love with Beverly, his wife of 17 years, Matt was aware of all too frequently being irritable and sometimes downright unkind. How could this be? She was his life. He’d be lost without her. She’d stood beside him through some very difficult times. She was the one person he knew he could count on, no matter what. So why was he so hard to live with? Only this morning he had apologized for one more quick reaction, one more sarcastic comeback. Beverly had responded, not in anger, but in a way that made Matt feel deeply ashamed. Beverly simply smiled and calmly responded: “That’s all right. I’m used to it.” She shouldn’t have to be “used to it,” thought Matt. Why am I like that and why can’t I change?

Two days later, sitting in Robin’s office, Matt proclaimed: “I need to change.  How do I go about getting my score up on Intentional Relating?”  Robin responded: “Well first of all, it’s a matter of becoming more mindful, more fully aware of what you’re thinking, feeling, and doing when interacting with Beverly, and with others as well.”  She continued: “It’s a bad habit.  You habitually respond as though you’re on autopilot, and before you fully realize it, you’ve said mean or hurtful things.”

“That’s true,” responded Matt.  “Often I’m not even aware of what I said or how I said it until Beverly calls my attention to it, then I feel bad.  How do I become more mindful?  Robin responded: “This ties in with Breath Awareness and Retraining.  It’s very likely the responses you’re trying to change occur most often when you’re in fight or flight mode, when your anxiety has gotten the better of you, when you’re most likely to respond reactively and defensively out of habit – when you’re on autopilot.”

“Here’s the formula,” said Robin, and she began describing Mindful Choices programming.  “First you need to continue practicing your breath awareness so you can catch yourself being uptight and defensive when talking to Beverly.  Next you need to become very aware of thoughts and beliefs you have which drive you to be inconsiderate or unkind in your responses.  For example, people often are defensive when they’ve embraced a belief earlier in their lives that they have to fight back when they feel threatened or attacked.  It’s as if not doing so is confirmation that they are truly incompetent, unlovable, and a bad person, so of course they have to fight back.  In actuality, it’s only a learned belief, and a belief that’s destructive.”

Using a technique called Rational Emotive Therapy or RET*, Robin and Matt uncovered several beliefs that led to Matt reacting automatically with anger and defensiveness whenever he perceived himself to be criticized or attacked, perceptions usually unwarranted.

The most blatant beliefs were written on 3 x 5 file cards, utilizing the following formula from Memory Reconsolidation* otherwise known as Coherence Therapy:

If I didn’t defend myself against any and all criticism, then by default I must really be incompetent, unlovable, and a bad person.

So, I have to fight back in order to defend myself.

Even though this belief creates problems in my relationships, I hang onto this belief to keep from feeling bad feelings about myself. 

Matt was instructed to carry the card with him for the following week, reading it frequently and making note of how erroneous and destructive the belief was by finding disconfirming evidence.  It’s a contention of Coherence Therapy that this juxtaposition of non-rational core beliefs or maladaptive schema with reality leads your brain to actually rewire neuronal connections as you cannot hold opposing ideas in your head without something changing.

Robin explained to Matt that the essence of transformational change is self-assessment, visualization, practice, and repeating the process daily until strong new habits have been developed.  “Is there a daily sequence I should be following,” asked Matt? “Yes,” Robin replied, and she presented Matt with the basic structure for Mindful Choices programming:

• “Early each day complete the basic daily self-assessment as well as the self-assessment related to the Choice area you are working on.    This should take you about 15 minutes or less. For each assessment you will be looking back on the last 24 hours and assessing how well you’ve done on each of 10 defining statements, rating each one from 0 to 4.
• Next you’ll be looking forward and visualizing the day ahead in great detail.  You will practice a combination strategy known as Mental Contrasting + Intention Implementation + Visualization* which we’ll talk about in detail before you get started.  It’s only one of many research and evidence-based tools for transcending your past rather than merely re-creating it, instead creating your future with awareness and choice.  We will discuss and practice this and other strategies as we continue.
• Throughout the day you will regularly connect with your intention and utilize some of the other tools you have been given, staying aware of what’s happening moment by moment, and remaining powerfully connected to your intention.
• The next day you will repeat the process, and again the day after, and so on, until strong new habits have been developed.  The whole process will take very little time each day.  It’s simply a systematic way of sharpening your awareness of what you want, changes you’d like to make, and effectively following through until you’ve achieved powerful new habits and transformation, breaking free of the past and creating a positive future.”

Don’t forget to enter your score on your profile sheets.

‘Okay,” said Robin. “Ready to get started?”

*Described in more detail in Part III.

Okay, let’s get back to your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment. Again, keep in mind you should not be doing the full 100 item assessment each day. That would be overwhelming and counterproductive. It is far more useful to intensively focus your self- improvement efforts on the daily 10 item self-assessment and one specific Choice area where you choose to focus improvement efforts.  The following is an example of tracking your daily performance on just one Choice area, in this case  Choice and Self-Management.

Figure 10-12: Mindful Choices for Well-BeingIndividual choice profile sheet. Available on the website: www.beingtherightpartner.com.

 Pick a choice that will make a major difference in your life. You don’t have to take the choices in order. You can move around, working on whatever choice strikes you as most important at the present time. You can take as much time as you need to demonstrate to yourself that you can gain mastery over a particular choice. Whatever choice you are working on, simply keeping it in your day-by-day awareness brings about major changes.

 Step Six: Follow through and Follow-Up

Choosing your level of relationship mastery by managing your choices is one of your greatest challenges in life, perhaps your greatest challenge. However, you will find that by moving beyond present habits and patterns, many of which don’t serve you well, you may find your greatest satisfaction. Like all of us humans, your greatest need is a secure emotional attachment to another person. Depending on your choices and habits, this may be the area of greatest satisfaction in your life, or a source of endless suffering. You get to choose. Of course, a lot depends upon your partner. Hopefully he or she is on the same page, but you have little or no control over what they do, or their level of commitment or secure attachment., Stop worrying about your partner and focus on one thing you can control – you!

This book will guide you through an exploration and understanding of what you bring to the relationship, and your potential. This book will help you identify goals, provide you with an action plan, and give you a way of keeping track of your progress, staying motivated, overcoming barriers and achieving your goals. You will be guided in practices of personal transformation that will help you increase optimism, resilience, confidence, and skill when dealing with your relationship.

You should experience rapid results and you will find your relationship situation getting better and better.  Over the span of a year or more, you will see how seemingly small and routine daily practices add up to major course-corrections and benefits. The Mindful Choices for Couples system produces transformational change as you grow in your ability to quickly turn to familiar and practiced choices rather than old dysfunctional relationship behaviors.                           

So, here's our suggestion. Take the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment monthly, recording your results. Each month use the same profile sheet but with a different color so that you can see your progress. Take one of the first two 10 item self-assessment tools daily and track your results. When both you and your partner are ready, move to the "H42" variation (, continuing as long as needed. The mix of items in your “Habitualizing for Two” practice can be changed as needed.

 Now you have our plan for achieving relational excellence. Carpe diem!

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