Chapter 8

                       PART II

Assessing Mindful Choices for Couples

 

                                                   

                                                       Chapter 8

                                               Instructions for:

MINDFUL CHOICES for COUPLES SELF-ASSESSMENT (MCCSA)

BACKGROUND:

The MCCSA is our basic self-assessment tool for mindful awareness of your thoughts, feelings, behaviors, schema, choices, autopilot habits, and intentions. These are qualities that you bring to the relationship, and your personal qualities that determine how well you’re doing at being part of a couple.

The MCCSA is meant to be used on a monthly basis as our primary tool for greater self-awareness and self-management, as well as the key component of  our “habitualizing” process for building positive habits

We suggest using the same profile sheet each month but with a different color for plotting your results. That way you will not only see progress, which is highly motivational, but you will also be able to pinpoint areas that require greater awareness and attention.

Also, when using the brief 10 item daily self-assessment as part of our “Habitualizing” process you will find that certain items have become quite easy over time. At that point, those items can be replaced by more challenging items from the 100 item MCCSA. This makes the daily self-assessment continually upgradable so as to be optimally challenging and helpful.

Our basic assumption is that you cannot change something you’re not aware of. Therefore we will coach you in developing a profound awareness of what you bring to the relationship — and what you can change when guided systematically in the practice of optimum behaviors.

With mindful awareness and using the science-based tools of Mindful Choices Therapy we will guide you in developing strong positive foundational skills and most importantly, the ability to be fully present with your partner in the moment, in the “here and now.” We will help you masterfully and habitually respond to each relationship moment with calmness, clear intention, assertiveness, empathy and compassion. You will learn to easily seize opportunities for building a great relationship rather than feeling frustrated, threatened and often overwhelmed. You will learn to actively and constructively respond to the present moment with great awareness and superb relationship skill. It all starts with the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment.

Mindful Choices for Couples represents an integrated approach drawing upon a variety of sources such as the work of couple researchers John and Julie Gottman, Schema Therapy, Imago Relationship Therapy, Compassion Focused Therapy, Emotionally Focused Therapy, Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, research in emotional intelligence, research on mindfulness, positive psychology, and Buddhist psychology. We also incorporate advances in neuroscience and the science of how habits are formed and changed. Finally, and most importantly, we draw upon 40 years of clinical experience working with couples.

OUR BASIC ASSUMPTIONS:

1. We’re assuming that your couple relationship is vitally important to you and that you are willing to invest your time and energy in developing yourself as the person you would most like to show up in your relationship.

2. You cannot change something you’re not aware of. Most people are on autopilot with at least 40% of everything they say, do, think and feel being habitual. Habitual relationship patterns are difficult to change and require a much higher level of awareness.

3. Positive change requires mindful awareness as a starting point.

4. Mindfulness practice is a skill set that requires practice and discipline.

5. Being fully present in the here and now creates the opportunity to make emotionally intelligent choices this moment – choices that are relationship enhancing.

6. Each of the 10 choices comes with a shorter version intended for daily use. Daily self-assessment creates hyper-awareness of specific present relationship behaviors and potentially positive choices. Our daily self-assessment is brief and easy to accomplish. This basic self-assessment tool has only 10 items, and takes less than 5-10 minutes to complete. Mindful Choices Therapy gives you the flexibility of frequently replacing the easiest and most highly scored items on the brief daily self-assessment with items of greater difficulty from the extended Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment. Over time our “Habitualizing” process will result in a truly masterful array of habitual positive relationship skills and behaviors.

7. The essence of being truly masterful in your relationship is self-awareness and self-management.

8. Our work is focused on you as an individual. There is no guarantee that your skillfulness in relationship will fix relationship problems. There is no guarantee that your partner will cooperate or love you the way you want to be loved. So, what’s the point?  Here it is – you will greatly increase the probability of being deeply satisfied in your relationship if you are contributing to solutions rather than problems. Regardless of what your partner is doing, you need to do the right thing anyway. You can show up in the relationship as the person you want to be in the relationship.

9.  Our neuroscience-based “Habitualizing” process of daily self-assessment and self-monitoring, each day repeating the cycle of intention, awareness, focus, and practice, leads to powerful and positive relationship habits. Negative autopilot steadily gives way to positive autopilot.

10.  One person can change the relationship, but with two people it’s even better.  Both parties working the program, each focusing on their own self-awareness and self-management, greatly increases the probability of each getting what we all need – a deep and secure emotional attachment within the context of a safe, committed relationship.

THE POWER OF SELF-ASSESSMENT

Self-awareness brings the power to control and direct personal growth. Nowhere is this more important than in growing healthy relationships and dealing with inevitable conflicts. Accurate information and awareness about your relationship skills and deficits, patterns and possibilities, is vital to strengthening your relationships, growing in relational skills, and being masterful in resolving conflicts.

There is great power in knowing yourself. Do you know why you respond the way you do? Do you know why you sometimes behave in a counterproductive or even destructive manner? Do you understand how your past influences your present? Do you understand how to take a deep and insightful knowledge of yourself and use it as the foundation for transformational change? Can you imagine what life would look like if you were truly masterful in the important relationships of your life, in fact, in all relationships?

How successful do you want to be in your most important relationship? How confident do you want to feel in helping your relationship work, and work well? What would it be like to see conflict as an opportunity for relationship growth? Would you like to have the skill to courageously and positively navigate conflict troubled waters with a sense of safety, and with a confident and clear sense of direction?

Relationships are essential to feelings of success and well-being. Probably, nothing else contributes more to a satisfying life, a life of freedom from depression, anxiety, and self-esteem problems, than solid relationships.

Relationships characterized by mindful awareness, effective handling of conflict, and secure emotional attachment are healthy relationships. Our experience tells us that if you have healthy relationships, you have a profound sense of well-being.

So, want to have a great relationship? The starting point is self-awareness, and even more basically, accurate and honest self-assessment.

We've developed the MINDFUL CHOICES for COUPLES SELF-ASSESSMENT (MCCSA) to provide such a starting point, a foundation upon which to base all relationship self-development. We believe you'll find this assessment invaluable in providing useful insights, helping you manage and resolve conflicts, improve and strengthen your relationship, and build lasting relationship satisfaction.

BE HONEST!

Remember, this is a “self-assessment.” No one but you need ever see it.  You will be responding to 100 statements rating yourself on a scale from 0 to 4 depending upon how true the statement is for you.  As you will see, the best possible response for each statement is “4,” but the power of this tool comes from being brutally honest with yourself. Believe it or not, some people just can’t resist giving themselves high marks – even on a self-assessment. If you can’t be absolutely honest with yourself, this self-assessment will only help you discover positive choices. It won’t help you systematically change bad habits.

Similarly, some people respond to a self-assessment by being unnecessarily self-critical. Try to be reasonable with yourself about limitations. Remember that while we all have limitations, we also have strengths.

Far from a rigorously scientific self-assessment, this subjective self-assessment is intended to be as much educational as anything else. If you are rigorously honest with yourself, you’ll see a clear distinction between where you’re at, and where you would like to be. This is the basis for a powerful personal relationship vision. Such honesty with yourself answers two of the three most important questions:

  • Where am I at present?
  • Where do I want to be (my vision)?
  • How do I get there?

The third most important question: “How do I get there?” Is the subject of our book.

Don’t worry and don’t be discouraged. Even though you may identify significant problems, our program will lead to steady growth where needed while reinforcing and enhancing your strengths.

Also, many statements are complex. You may find yourself in agreement with part of the statement but not with another part. That's okay and your score doesn't have to be perfect. This assessment is subjective and the important thing is that you know why you gave yourself a particular score. Try to arrive at a rating that is meaningful to you.

We will guide you in systematically identifying areas needing improvement. We will take you through our “Habitualizing” process utilizing the most recent developments in the neuroscience of habit change. With our program of daily self-assessment and development of mindful self-awareness, you will find yourself steadily developing your ability to be truly masterful in your relationship. In as little as 10 minutes a day, you’ll find yourself moving from negative autopilot behaviors that don’t work well for you, to positive autopilot behaviors enriching your life and the life of your partner.

A WORD OF CAUTION:

As much as we emphasize that this is a “self-assessment,” some people almost instinctively think that their task is to rate their partner. No, you are rating yourself only. Also, unless you already have great communication in your relationship, it may be best not to share your assessment right away. What we don’t want is for one of you to say: “Hold it! You gave yourself a “3” on that one. You’ve got to be kidding! You’re no better than a “1” and let me tell you why.” Remember, your self-assessment is subjective. Your score only needs to make sense to you. Your partner’s “3” may not be your “3.” Direct comparison can be damaging, particularly if there are problems in your relationship, so don’t compare – at least not until you can have a safe, non-blaming and non-defensive dialogue.

DIRECTIONS

The MCCSA presents you with 100 statements divided into ten major relationship categories. Each category has three statements.

Your task is to read each statement and decide the degree to which you agree with the statement or believe that the statement typifies your thinking or behavior. Your choice is to select one of five descriptors, each with a different point value. The choices are: virtually never true (0 points), rarely true (1 point), sometimes true (2 points), often true (3 points), or consistently true (4 points). Record your scores on the Scoring Sheet.

FIGURE 8-1: Sample MCCSA Scoring Sheet

There are ten statements within each category (a-j), hence ten scores to be added together for a category total which is then divided by 2. There is a possible range of 0 to 20 total points within each category. Once totaled category scores are transferred to the profile sheet.

FIGURE  8-2: Sample Profile Sheet

FIGURE  8-3: Sample Profile Sheet Completed

 

The profile provides quick and easy visual interpretation of MCCSA results. At a glance you'll see abilities and deficiencies and understand where to direct self-improvement efforts. Completing the self-assessment once a month will show you where you are making progress and where more growth is needed. Examining individual items within a category can also be very powerful. While you might have a high score in a particular category, individual items may highlight areas where change is needed.

As stated above, we believe the essence of being truly masterful in a relationship is self-awareness and self-management.  Our intention is to provide an assessment that informs and educates. We wanted an assessment that influences and changes behavior as it is being completed, and an assessment that can be utilized again and again as a self-improvement tool.

The 10 Mindful Choices for Couples categories are:

1. Intention

2. Mindful Self-Awareness

3. Choice and Self-Management

4. Self-Talk

5. Listening, Respecting, Accepting, and Validating

6. Assertive, Open, Safe, and Vulnerable

7. De-Escalating Conflict and Building Trust

8. The Dialogue Option: Respectful, Empathic, and Transformational

9. Mindful Sex

10. Love is a Verb: Cycles of Connection, Disconnection, and Reconnection

This is a powerful tool. It has been tested on hundreds of couples. Those that have used it as suggested have experienced impressive growth in their ability to be skillful and effective not only in their couple relationship, but in relationships in general. Just imagine…

 

Figure 8-4: Imagine the possibilities.

The correct answer for each of the 100 statements in our MCCSA is "4." Imagine what it would be like to get all 4s, a perfect score! Of course, this is probably not ever going to happen if you're being honest.

The reality is that month by month scores improve. Positive behaviors are strengthened. Areas needing improvement are targeted and our Habitualizing process brings about solid positive changes. Still, there will always room for improvement.

Our clients continuously get better. New habits are formed as positive habits are reinforced. Most importantly, As our clients become more masterful in the way they show up for their most important relationships, their satisfaction with life greatly increases.

If your relationship is doing well, you're probably doing well, and you've probably taking your happiness up a notch or two.

The next chapter is the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment. It is not necessary to mark in the book as a copy of the assessment can be found at www.mindfulchoicestherapy.com. Additionally, you will find scoring and profile sheets on the website. Alternatively, you can scan and print the two forms and the end of Chapter 9. It should only be necessary to download those two sheets as the total assessment is quite lengthy.

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