“You Just Don’t Understand Me” By Dr. Bill
George is frustrated, and often depressed. He wants to tell Susan about things that upset him in their relationship, but it seems pointless. No matter what he says, she seems ready to spring into action with a rebuttal, often responding before he has a chance to finish. There doesn’t seem to be any willingness to understand where he is coming from. She seems to be listening for the first opportunity to reply, rather than letting him talk, and listening to understand. Her quick replies usually seem slanted toward her view of things. George feels discounted and feels invalidated whenever he tries to express his emotions. What’s the point of even trying? Each encounter quickly devolves into: “he said/she said,” with no meaningful connection. George wants nothing more than to be understood, but it just doesn’t happen. Why bother?
Jack’s story illustrates something Robin I hear again and again with the couples we work with. “My partner doesn’t listen to me. He/she doesn’t really want to hear what I have to say.”
Often, one of the first thing I ask each partner is: “When you have these disagreements, do you feel understood?”
In most instances, each partner quickly responds with “No!”
I tell them that they’re at the starting line in establishing great couple’s communication, and the starting line is being able to come away from their encounter feeling listened to, heard, and understood.
When each partner consistently puts their own agenda on the back burner, letting go of defensiveness or the need to protect their egos, and instead tuning into their partner with the intention of full understanding, hopefully with empathy and compassion thrown in, they are positioned to work on growing their relationship. At that point they can compromise, negotiate, or synergistically and creatively do some great problem-solving – but not until then.
Understanding has to come before problem-solving, but so often partners are trying to force a solution before mutual understanding. It doesn’t work!
Jack and Elaine have a good relationship, but like many other couples their occasional fights are so intensely volatile that the fights threaten to undermine an otherwise positive and satisfying relationship.
Jack spoke first in their weekly counseling session: “We’re doing okay except for the fights. They come out of the blue and they are terrible. We just react to each other. It doesn’t seem that we hear each other at all. Each time it takes us days to get back on track. This past week we didn’t speak to each other for three days.”
“Yeah,” said Elaine. “That’s how it is. We eventually get to talking and decide to move on, but then it will happen again. We’ve only recycled the argument. Nothing has been solved. It’s exhausting and I hate it.”
Therapist: “I know you two love each other. That’s not the issue. It seems to me that the real issue is that the two of you aren’t very skillful in dealing with conflict, and you don’t listen well to one another. Why do you fight anyway?”
Jack and Elaine looked at each other and Jack spoke first: “I don’t know. That really is the question. Our fights are awful, but we keep having them.” Elaine joined in: “When they happen, they tear us apart. Nobody wins and our relationship is being damaged, but the fights keep happening anyway. Before we know it, we’re in another one. I think it starts when neither of us feels heard.”
Jack and Elaine have fights that occur when one of them gets triggered, responding automatically in such a way that the other is similarly triggered.. Usually there is no space between the trigger and a habitual defensive or protective response. The fights follow a predictable pattern and neither seems able to break free, in spite of paying a high cost in destructive emotions and behaviors. Each sees his or her partner as stuck in their position and unable to hear a different point of view. Each is usually unaware of their own inability to listen non-defensively.
In couples counseling we tend to focus on the really big issues, like recurring disputes over sex or finances. However, we want couples to be good at attentive listening and creating a “Mindful Pause” for ALL issues, large and small. In fact, we want couples to be just as mindful of interactions that seem trivial. We want them to be aware of how they approach an issue, and how willing they are to just slow down and listen. The following is a representation of our “Mindful Pause.”
Researcher John Gottman in his book: “The Relationship Cure,” talks of some couples as being “marital masters” who “are so good at handling conflict that they make marital squabbles look like fun.” He describes these couples as being exceptionally good at turning away from being defensive or hurtful, and instead able to stay connected and positively engaged. It starts with a willingness to listen and understand.
According to Gottman the “marital masters” have conflict where they consistently “pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect. Amazingly, they seem to have access to their sense of humor even when they are arguing.”
Gottman talks about “bids for connection” where couples respond to one another’s bids in one of three ways: turning toward, turning against, or turning away. Turning toward always involves attentive or empathic listening.
The tone of a relationship is the sum total of thousands of little interactions, where partners habitually turn toward one another, listening attentively and empathically, and listening with interest, respect, acceptance, and active engagement. This leads to what has been called “positive sentiment override” where there is such a background of positive emotion that couples are able to easily navigate big issues without the relationship coming apart.
The opposite is “negative sentiment override,” where a background atmosphere lacks positivity and consistency in turning toward one another. In this situation, even minor disagreements can escalate into a major breakdown of communication and relationship satisfaction.
Gottman concludes that in relationships where people consistently turn toward one another’s bids for connection “they develop stable, long-lasting relationships rich in good feelings for one another.”
Bids can be verbal such as thoughts and opinions, or nonverbal such as touching or facial expressions. We recommend reading John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure for a detailed discussion of the three types of relationship bids.
Understanding based on attentive and empathic listening is where you start, and understanding with empathy and compassion is magical. Master the ability to turn toward one another with a commitment to listen deeply and calmly and respectfully understand each other, and you have a shot at living “happily ever after.”