Chapter 10: Intention
What one does is what counts. Not what one has the intention of doing.
Pablo Picasso
"… If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours… If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundation under them."
Henry David Thoreau, Walden
"The first step toward feeling compassion for others is to set the intention to try it out."
Sharon Salzberg, Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection
Find the stillness within. Connect with your heart. Be present to your heart, so that your heart can be present to you. Do, speak and act with your heart.
Akirog Brost
What are your intentions for your relationship? Are they pro-relationship, or do they create divisiveness and distance. Do you intend to win? Be right? Avoid pain? Or, perhaps you want to be truly masterful in the way you relate to your partner, relating in such a way that you are directly contributing to an exceptionally good relationship.
Want to have that great relationship you’ve always dreamed of? Start with intentions. Having clear positive intentions is vital to your relationship but sometimes your good intentions get lost in the emotions of the moment as old defenses get activated.
There are lots of self-help books about love, how to find love, how to keep love, how to recover from the loss of love, how to know if you're in love with the right person, how to get them to love you back or love you again, etc. This book has a different focus.
This book is mainly about how to give love and be loving.
Let's check in with Matt as he recounts an unpleasant exchange with Beverly. Matt and Beverly have a great marriage, but like all marriages, there are occasional bumps in the road.
Matt arrived at his counseling session one rainy afternoon visibly agitated and angry. Sitting down in his usual spot, he didn't wait for his therapist to ask how he was. He leaned forward in his seat and loudly launched into a blow-by-blow description of the argument he and Beverly had just before Matt left for his session.
"I get so angry, and I know I say things I shouldn't say, but sometimes she just seems so unreasonable. I just have to let her know how I feel"
Matt’s Therapist, making a hand gesture to slow things down, asked: "What was it about? Can you break it down for me?"
Matt continued: "She was complaining that I hadn't fixed the faucet on the kitchen sink. I told her that I would get to it, that I was very busy. She said that it seemed to her I was always too busy and she thought that home stuff just didn’t matter to me. She actually had the nerve to say that I didn't care about her, our family or our home. I was getting angrier and angrier. Doesn't she know how hard I work? Doesn't she appreciate what I do? When I said these things to her, she just got angrier. Then I got even angrier and we were off and running. Before I knew it, we were yelling at each other, and that's when I said some really mean things about her being selfish and not doing enough around the house either. The whole thing went downhill from there. I guess I need to patch things up when I get home, but I'm still too angry."
Matt's therapist had questions: "Matt, what is it you want right now? You're going to be seeing Beverly again shortly. What's your best wish for how you want that to go?"
Matt responded: "I just want her to acknowledge that she was wrong jumping on me like that. I just want her to recognize all that I do. I want her to cut me some slack."
Again Matt’s therapist— "I know you're angry, let's think for a moment about what it is you really want, your deepest need. Do you want to win? Do you want Beverly to acknowledge that you're right? Do you want an apology? Would that give you the feeling you want right now."
Matt thought about the questions. "Well, I thought I was telling you what I wanted, but I guess you're asking me to go a little deeper. I guess when you asked me about my deepest need, you were talking about my need for connection, I guess that's a really distressing part of all this. When we fight, I don't feel connected. That's the toughest thing, I feel like something really important to me has been taken away, I feel hurt, and then I respond with anger."
"Also, when I can slow down a bit, I can see that my usual responses just make things worse."
The therapist liked where this was going: "Yeah, it’s predictable when either one of you is in fight or flight mode. If one of you is in fight or flight mode, it’s not going to work. If you’re both in fight or flight mode, it’s a disaster. I’m betting that’s what happened in this situation (Matt nodded in agreement).”
“So, let's talk about intention. Let's talk about your most basic need right now, a need for love and connection with Beverly, needing to know how to restore it, and how to get to the point where you both feel listened to, understood, respected and appreciated.”
“Also, you can probably come to some resolution about that kitchen faucet."
Matt laughed." Oh yes, the kitchen faucet. I almost forgot about that. Right! Let's talk about following through with intention."
It's easy for couples to get off track. We all have schemas as discussed in Chapter 2 and Chapter 5. Schemas are products of previous emotional wounding or needs not being met. However, when schemas are triggered, schema coping behaviors appear to help you defend against unpleasant feelings. You find yourself having the same feelings you had when the schemas first developed, and you find yourself reacting the same way you reacted way back then.
Schema coping behaviors are just about always maladaptive and destructive, and usually lead to more relationship damage and increased personal suffering. We mindlessly get caught up in this reactivity and it happens again and again, and again. Conscious intentionality on the other hand is something to be practiced until it becomes habitual.
When you're clearheaded and can slow down and think about it, you realize that both of you want the same thing; you want to feel loving and loved within a secure, safe, and committed relationship. However, as we discussed in Chapter 2, there is no shortage of things to get in the way.
The solution? Embrace this intention — decide to become really good at taking a “mindful pause” between being triggered and your usual autopilot response, a learned skill you get better at with practice. The pause gives you a chance to catch your breath (literally!) and plug in a practiced emotionally intelligent response. Even then, things won’t always go perfectly. You will find it's not easy. In fact, it’s rarely easy and doesn’t happen consistently without conscious intention and unrelenting practice.
We ask our couples therapy clients to begin each day focusing on their intention for the relationship. We suggest they write out their intention and place it in a conspicuous spot where they are bound to see it.
One strategy is to put a Post-it- note on your bathroom mirror where you're sure to see as you’re shaving, putting on makeup, or brushing your teeth. Your intention statement can be updated as necessary, and we recommend that you frequently reflect on changes you would like to make as your situation changes.
A nice touch is to post one of your favorite pictures of your partner in the same place. This generates some positive emotion along with focusing on your best wishes for how you want to show up in the relationship.
The goal of course is to increase mindful awareness of your daily relationship intention. We want you to become so mindful of your intention for the relationship that it becomes increasingly difficult to behave in a way that is inconsistent with your relationship goals. Your mindful awareness will allow you to suspend responding to your preprogrammed autopilot response – and then you get to choose!
With practice it becomes much easier to catch yourself when a schema has been triggered and a maladaptive schema coping behavior is about to be unleashed. We’re betting that you’ve had many instances, like all other humans, where you found yourself on the verge of “lighting your hair on fire,” metaphorically speaking.
Instead learn to habitually take a deep breath, calm down, slow down, relax, give up control, and turn toward your partner in a positive, open, willing-to-learn, non-defensive way. Imagine easily creating a “mindful pause.”
What if you could make that your new autopilot, your new habit. Imagine the impact on your relationship – and on your sense of well-being in turn.
If your relationship is doing well, you are most likely doing well.
So, it is absolutely important at this point to distinguish mindlessness, habit, and autopilot from conscious intention. When you are fully conscious and "mindful" you're making conscious, values-driven choices and we’re betting that one of your key values is preserving and strengthening your relationship.
The intention we're talking about is not the momentary, impulsive, knee-jerk reaction to lash out at your partner, defend yourself at all costs, or distance yourself from the conflict physically or emotionally. It’s a clear, well thought out commitment to take excellent care of your relationship.
Intention is deliberate and thoughtful. It’s the intention you've posted on your bathroom mirror. It's the intention you've arrived at after carefully considering what you truly want for your relationship. Out of that intention comes choices that are pro-relationship and pro-need satisfaction.
We're assuming you’re not in fight or flight mode and on autopilot 100% of the time you spend with your partner. There are probably plenty of times you actually stop and think about where you're going, times when you make thoughtful and emotionally intelligent choices.
When it comes to relationships you cannot not choose. Anything you do, or don’t do, when not on autopilot is a choice. You can choose to be proactive and address problems. You can choose to stay actively involved in the maintenance of the relationship. You can choose to learn about how relationships work or don’t work. You can choose to enter or leave relationships. You can choose to be kind and nurturing, or you can choose to be cold and indifferent. You can choose to be defensive, reactive and self- protective, or you can choose to let go of defensiveness and be open and willing to learn. You can turn away from, against, or toward your partner with the goal of deep and empathic understanding. You can choose to stay calm. You can choose to listen attentively. You can choose to be respectful. You can choose empathy. You can choose to learn how to apply mindfulness to your communication, using mindful awareness to generate warmth, trust, connection and intimacy.
You can choose to not make choices at all, choosing to do nothing and let the relationship play out as it will. This is probably the most damaging choice, and it’s a choice many make without even being aware it’s a choice—but it is. You cannot not choose!
There are no choices more crucial to your well-being. How you handle relationships determines to a large extent your stress and “dis-ease,” or your joy and satisfaction with your life.
Your well-being is greatly influenced by conscious and intentional relating for a satisfying relationship. We view many psychological difficulties, such as stress, anxiety, and depression, as symptomatic of a life out of balance, something we call “dis-ease.” Emphasis is placed on the natural state of “ease” having become imbalanced or disrupted. Life experiences, together with our beliefs and interpretations of those experiences, have created a disruption of what was supposed to be, resulting in a loss of balance in one’s life. A good relationship is often a key to that balance.
We've often referred to what we do as teaching people "Intentional Relating," the development of a fully conscious or mindful relationship where choices are clearly separated from mindless reactivity. We see mindful, conscious, intentional relating as being a cornerstone of well-being.
You took our 100 item Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment in Chapter 9. It assessed ten choice areas, each area having a profound effect on the quality of your relationship, specifically on how you show up in your relationship. Are you mindful or on autopilot? Are you consistently loving or all too often thoughtless, or even hurtful? Do you act out of a clear intention that protects and strengthens the relationship? Quite simply, are you good at being a relationship partner?
Let's revisit the assessment with Choice 1, Intention. This time, as you rate yourself, you'll also see our thoughts behind the statement. Your ratings may have changed since the last time. That's okay. In fact, that's what we expect. This is a program of assessment-based continuous improvement toward being truly masterful in how you show up in your relationship. Self-assessment is vital. Score yourself before you look at the thoughts behind the statement.
Intention Self-Assessment
DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the past week. Record the number that best applies on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
0 = not true at all, or 0 percent; 1 = mostly not true, or 25 percent; 2 = partially true, or 50 percent; 3 = largely true, or 75 percent; 4 = totally true, or 95–100 percent
1. INTENTION
a. I believe this relationship is important and should not only be maintained, but nurtured. I accept that as my goal and my daily behavior demonstrates my commitment.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
Marriages may be made in heaven, but the maintenance work is up to us. Long-term relationships can be difficult. In fact, difficulties and challenges are normal. Only a rock-solid and ongoing commitment based upon clear DAILY intention gets you through the tough times with your relationship intact. We encourage our clients to start each day as they are shaving or brushing their teeth to gaze upon a sticky note on their bathroom mirror stating their daily intention for the relationship. We strongly encourage you to do this and we’ve found it to be extremely powerful in building strong positive relationship habits. You might even include a favorite picture of your partner. It takes virtually no time and very little effort but can make an incredible difference. Also, work with changes. Your intention statement can be updated regularly to reflect an ever-changing situation. Give it a shot!
b. I believe that one person can change our interaction. I take responsibility for initiating changes that helps each of us feel listened to, understood, and secure in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
Frank was discouraged. He wanted to give up. He sat in his individual therapy session with slumped shoulders, downcast eyes, and the look of someone who just lost his best friend. “We can’t seem to communicate. She attacks, I defend, and we go around and around. It’s the same thing over and over and over again. Why should I bother? She won’t even join me in therapy. How can anything change? It takes the two of us to make things different. Doesn’t it?”
The therapist was quick to answer the question: “Well, not necessarily. In our experience, either one of you can initiate major changes, and if one of you is changing, the whole system is changing. Remember when we talked about an active constructive response?”
Figure 13-1: Active Constructive Responding
“When your partner wants to tell you something, respond with enthusiasm. Be actively engaged in a positive way. Ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going. Maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. Listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of your own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.”
“It’s important to take the time to listen completely when your partner wants to talk to you. Practice being mindful, fully present in the moment. Follow Stephen Covey’s advice in his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in which he stated: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Be careful about jumping in and finishing the other person’s sentence, offering advice, or hijacking the conversation to tell your own story. Remember to be genuine and honest and avoid pacifying or insincere flattery. Offer genuine empathy, and ask open-ended questions that allow your partner to fully tell their story. Keep the focus on actively listening to your partner tell you about things that are important to them.”
“Let’s try an experiment. Are you open to trying something new for the coming week?” Frank nodded his agreement and the therapist continued: “For the following week I want you to do your very best to not get defensive or withdraw. Instead I want you to catch yourself when headed in either of those directions, and instead take a deep breath and respond with an active constructive response, even if you are responding to a complaint or criticism. For example, you might respond with something like: ‘That concerns me and I’d like to understand it better. I want to hear everything you want to tell me and I will listen to you.” Do this for a week and for now you don’t have to tell Ellen what you’re up to. Agreed? Frank responded: “Sure, it’s worth a try.”
The following week Frank came to his session eager to share his experience. “It’s hard to believe. We had a great week. Ellen has been great to live with. She asked me what’s gotten into me. She said I seem so different. We’ve actually had fun together. Wow! This is powerful. I didn’t know I could bring about changes all by myself.”
c. I believe our differences are mostly a case of differing perceptions and differences in our personalities, and that we mainly need to understand and respect the personality differences and one another's perceptions. Even though our perceptions may be quite different, I am working to understand your personality and perceptions and I respect that you and I are different in many ways.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
Have you heard the saying “love is blind?” When you are newly in love, you are under a spell. You tend to be blind to crucial differences. You may embrace the illusion that the two of you are just alike, that you have found your “soulmate.” However, sooner or later you will discover that the you differ in significant ways. Almost inevitably, a power struggle develops and you may find the two of you bickering about all kinds of things, large and small.
Accept it! You are not the same. You have different experiences, childhoods, memories, emotions, goals, and perceptions. You may be very similar in important ways but you are still two different people. It’s absolutely crucial that you accept and honor the differences. You will never be able to make the other person into another version of yourself, nor would you want to. The richness of your relationship stems from two distinct and unique individuals. Great relationships embrace the differences and work with them in a calm, accepting, and respectful manner.
d. I believe I can change the way I relate to you and that these changes will help our relationship. I am actively and non-defensively seeking opportunities to demonstrate positive relationship behaviors, making changes where they will benefit the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
Do you believe you can change? Do you believe you can become more skillful in the way you show up in your relationship? Do you believe you have the power to build solid positive relationship habits?
Often our marriage counseling clients come with the expectation that their counselor will help them change their partner. They are caught up in the “fundamental attribution error” discussed previously, thinking that all problems will go away if only their partner can face up to his or her deficiencies.
Sometimes our clients protest that they are who they are and can’t change, or don’t need to change. We call this “the Popeye defense.” Some readers may be old enough to remember Popeye cartoons where Popeye proclaimed: “I yam what I yam and that’s all that I yam.”
It’s crucial that you not only believe you can change, but believe that you MUST change to meet the changing demands of the relationship (and your relationship surely will change over time) if the relationship is to grow and thrive.
e. I believe conflicts are inevitable in a relationship and are an opportunity for relationship growth. I accept the need to work with conflict in a positive, relationship enhancing way, and I’m making progress.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
Do you believe that conflicts represent an OPPORTUNITY? Do you believe that conflicts are INEVITABLE?
Do you see conflict as only negative?
Because you are two different people, there will be conflict and conflict is not necessarily a bad thing. When we see a relationship that is totally devoid of conflict, we are often seeing a relationship that is empty and boring, with two people who are uncomfortable with conflict and dedicated to avoiding conflict at all costs. As a result, the relationship is stagnant and lacks the flexibility needed for the growth required in a successful long-term relationship. When major changes occur, such as children growing up and leaving home or going off to college, the weak couple relationship may falter and die.
Relationships need to be changing and growing in order to have the richness and vitality most of us crave. A thriving relationship requires dealing effectively with conflict, not avoiding it. Relationships without conflict may not survive.
On the other hand, if you approach relationships head-on, learn to work with conflict in a positive way, you have an opportunity to build the relationship you’ve always wanted.
f. I know that our conflicts are not simply about who is right and who is wrong, or who did what to whom. I believe I need to understand your emotional experience, accurately and non-defensively tuning into your feelings and needs. My ultimate goal is for each of us being able to communicate our feelings and needs in a way that is more likely to produce a positive response. I intend to actively encourage you to share your needs and feelings, and I intend to be enthusiastic about hearing and understanding you. I am making this my focus.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
We wholeheartedly agree with Susan Johnson, founder of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), who states “A focus on emotion is seen as the essential transforming element in effective couple therapy.”
Have you noticed how easy it is to get into debates about facts? Do you argue over who has the best memory of events, the best grasp of what actually happened? Do you question your partner’s factual accuracy, or maybe their truthfulness about the facts? Do you sometimes think they are simply wrong but won’t admit it? Debates over facts rarely help the relationship.
It’s a contest without winners. According to researcher John Gottman approximately 2/3 of the things you disagree on, you will always disagree on. The choice, according to Gottman, is living your life in perpetual gridlock or perpetual dialogue. Insisting on complete factual agreement is an exercise in futility. Total agreement on the facts will never happen.
However, the facts aren’t all that important compared to communicating emotions effectively and being receptive to emotional communication on the receiving end.
Accept your partners perceptions about the facts as simply their perceptions, a reflection of their experience and their unique view of their world. Their perceptions don’t have to be the same as yours. You don’t have to agree. The important thing is to understand, particularly understanding your partners feelings. That’s where it’s at in terms of building powerful positive connection.
Wholeheartedly encourage your partner to share his or her emotions, and never ever tell them that their feelings are wrong. Their feelings are their feelings and the best you can do is to develop your capacity for accurate empathy – listening for emotions, accepting emotions without judgment, and communicating to your partner that you understand the way he or she feels.
g. I intend to acknowledge, understand and respect your needs, emotions, values, and frustrations, and I am placing my own needs and feelings on the back burner until I am fully understanding where you are coming from. I am making progress.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
You want to be heard and understood. Who doesn’t? You’d like your partner to listen to you. You want your partner to clearly see your point of view and accept it as the obvious truth that you know it to be – if only they would stop talking.
You want to listen. You really do. You want to concentrate on their every word, but their talking is getting in the way.
Hopefully, you can see the humorous irony in that last statement, but in the reality of the moment, it’s not that funny. How did you score this one? Most people find this very difficult if they’re being honest with themselves.
If you want to be truly masterful in your relationship, you need to develop the discipline of consistently showing up with a calm, non-anxious presence, ready to listen non-defensively. It means listening to understand, not necessarily pursuing agreement. It means practicing one of Stephen Covey’s seven habits of highly effective people; Seek first to understand, and then to be understood.
Try it for a week. We think you will be delighted with the results.
h. I may feel anger and resentment toward you, but I will not let those feelings get in the way of me helping you feel closeness and security in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
One of the most shocking events in sports occurred on June 28, 1997 when heavyweight boxer Mike Tyson met with Evander Holyfield to fight for the second time in less than eight months. Holyfield was ahead on points for the first two rounds and in the middle of the third round Tyson received a cut over his right eye after getting head-butted by Holyfield. Tyson retaliated by nearly biting off Holyfield’s ear (later most of it was saved by 90 minutes of surgery).
This is what’s known as an “amygdala hijack,” a term coined by Daniel Goldman in his 1995 book: Emotional Intelligence. Your amygdala, located deep in your brain’s temporal lobe, is part of the fear circuit of your brain and responsible for the fight-or-flight response to perceived threats. In our evolution, this structure has helped us survive as a species. In our relationships, the fight or flight response is destructive to the survival of your relationship.
Although the Mike Tyson example is extreme, we have all experienced an amygdala hijack. Much of this book is about practicing a counter response to the point of having a strong positive self-calming habit. The goal is to be able to calm yourself and catch yourself between being triggered and responding to that trigger, creating a calm space, our “mindful pause,” where you have the freedom to choose an emotionally intelligent response.
This is challenging and takes awareness and practice. Developing the ability to slow yourself down, make sure you are not in fight or flight mode, and respond with emotional intelligence is essential to having a great relationship.
i. I believe you and I share the same basic human need, a need for secure emotional connection. I will not be sidetracked by surface issues.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
It’s easy to lose track of our most basic relationship need – the need for secure emotional connection. When we are feeling scared, threatened, lonely, angry, or any other unpleasant feelings, it’s easy to slip into a protective mode where the goal becomes being right, winning, saving face, avoiding, defending, or host of other ways of protecting ourselves from emotional distress.
It’s quite natural to want to protect yourself, but if your emotions cause you to get tunnel vision, focusing only on the perceived threat, you can be oblivious of your real needs. Susan Johnson, one of the founders of Emotionally Focused Therapy, has stated that our most basic relationship question is: “Will you be there for me?” We want to feel secure and connected, but often our protective behaviors drive a wedge between partners and create even more hostility and distance.
Your task is to be very good at not losing sight of your basic need and realizing that you and your partner probably have the very same need for emotional connection.
Don’t get sidetracked!
j. I intend to have safe and meaningful conversations with you, conversations that help us heal old wounds, develop trust, and deepen satisfaction in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
The thoughts behind the statement.
How are you doing on this one? This intention is absolutely crucial for the future of your relationship.
Hopefully, you’ve given yourself a “4,” and your intention is very clear. No? What’s getting in the way? It may be that wounds are still raw, and that feelings of resentment and distrust seem insurmountable. If you can’t get to a strong score on this one, your relationship will probably not succeed. Utilizing the teachings of this book and engaging in safe, productive dialogue with your partner can help you move toward a “4,” but you may need additional help.
Often intention is low because there is confusion about what you want. You may not be sure that you want to stay in the relationship. You may not believe you can get beyond the pain. Perhaps you are unsure you can ever trust your partner again. You may not feel loved or loving, and perhaps you’re not sure you still love your partner at all. There may be so much getting in the way that it seems impossible to move forward.
If any of the above describes you, consider getting professional help. A counselor or therapist well-trained in relationship counseling may be very helpful in either helping you move toward a “4” or deciding to leave an unhealthy relationship. While we are deeply committed to helping relationships thrive, we realize that some relationships will not, and perhaps should not, continue.
Category Total Divided by 2______________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
In Chapter 11 we will look at “Mindful Self-Awareness,” along with suggestions for becoming more self-aware and better at self-management through the development of mindfulness skills.