Chapter 12: Choice and Self-Management

“If only you could sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person.”

Fred Rogers

“I long for a deep soul connection… someone to love me just as i am… someone to encourage me when i am confused… arms to comfort me when I’m feeling lost and alone… someone to hold my hand as we grow into a better version of us… I long for that someone special made just for me… my forever companion to be my best friend and my lover.”

Karen Kostyla

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”

Brené Brown

This chapter is about ACTION. The two components of being great in relationships are self-awareness and self-management. In this chapter we’re looking at self-management and the behavior that results from emotionally intelligent choices emerging from self-awareness.

Consider the Viktor Frankl quote: “Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.”

You may think that you are totally free to choose your actions, but that’s an illusion. Often your response is already determined and predictable given your history and your personality. Instead of making well-thought-out, purposeful choices in the moment, there is little or no space between the stimulus and your response.

Given your programming your response is rapid and not based on careful reflection or choice. It’s a conditioned reflex, an automatic “knee-jerk” reaction. Personal freedom is severely limited.

Instead of being free spirits we are prisoners of our past conditioning. More than 40% of everything we do, say, think, and feel is habitual. This is especially true when it comes to responding to perceived threats. When fearful, we respond quickly and automatically.

Yes, you too are a creature of habit. You are unconsciously following your script like an actor reading his or her lines. As we have discussed in Chapter 2, you are sometimes reacting to your schemas, and programmed to react to perceived threats in old maladaptive ways.

Moment by moment and without realizing it, you are responding largely in the same ways you have responded many times before, and it’s automatic and mindless. If you get defensive – it’s probably a habit. If you avoid – it’s probably a habit. If you consistently respond in an emotionally intelligent manner, that too is a habit.

Real freedom, not the freedom you think you have, but the freedom to consciously choose your reactions, stems from your ability to create a space between stimulus and response. In that space, as in the Viktor Frankl quote, you have will freedom to choose. However, if there’s no space between stimulus and response and your reaction is instant and automatic, free choice is nonexistent.

The important task is for you to create and expand a “mindful pause,” a space in which to choose an emotionally intelligent response.

You’ve probably had some bad experiences in relationships. We think it’s safe to say that applies to almost all of us. It’s probably true for you too.

In all probability you’re like the rest of us. You’ve been wounded in the past, perhaps in your childhood, perhaps by your parents, siblings, or your peers. It’s quite natural for you to have developed self-protective habits, such as fighting back or escaping.

Habits conserve energy and don’t require any thought. Habits formed in response to threat occur rapidly, sometimes instantly. In such cases there is no space between the triggering stimulus and the conditioned response. Often, this defensive or protective response is very damaging to your relationship. What’s needed is a “mindful pause.”

Look at the following diagram. Instead of instantly moving from stimulus to response according to habit or your conditioning, imagine being able to slow down and create a space.

Figure 15-1: The Mindful Pause

Jack and Elaine have a good relationship, but like many other couples their occasional fights are so intensely volatile that they threaten to undermine an otherwise good relationship.

Jack spoke first in their weekly counseling session: “We’re doing okay except for the fights. They come out of the blue and they are terrible. Each time it takes us days to get back on track. This past week we didn’t speak to each other for three days.”

“Yeah,” said Elaine. “That’s how it is. We eventually get to talking and decide to move on, but then it will happen again.”

Therapist: “I know you two love each other. That’s not the issue. It seems to me that the real issue really is that the two of you aren’t very skillful in dealing with conflict. Why do you fight anyway?”

Jack and Elaine looked at each other and Jack spoke first: “I don’t know. That really is the question. Our fights are awful, but we keep having them.” Elaine joined in: “When they happen, they tear us apart. Nobody wins and our relationship is being damaged, but the fights keep happening anyway. Before we know it, we’re in another one.”

Jack and Elaine have fights that occur when one or both of them gets triggered and respond automatically. Usually there is no space between the trigger and a habitual defensive or protective response. The fights follow a predictable pattern and neither seems able to break free, in spite of paying a high cost in destructive emotions and behaviors.

In marriage counseling we often focus on the really big issues, like recurring disputes over sex, finances, or parenting. However, we want couples to be good at creating a “mindful pause” for ALL issues, large and small. In fact, we want couples to be just as mindful of interactions that seem trivial.

Researcher John Gottman in his book: “The Relationship Cure,” talks of some couples as being “marital masters” who “are so good at handling conflict that they make marital squabbles look like fun.” He describes these couples as being exceptionally good at moving away from being defensive or hurtful, instead being more able to stay connected and positively engaged, turning toward one another.

According to Gottman the “marital masters” have conflict where they consistently “pepper their disputes with flashes of affection, intense interest, and mutual respect. Amazingly, they seem to have access to their sense of humor even when they are arguing.”

Gottman talks about “bids for connection” where couples respond to one another’s bids in one of three ways: turning toward, turning against, or turning away. Turning toward is very much like the active constructive responding we described in a previous chapter.

A healthy relationship is the sum total of thousands of little interactions, where partners habitually turn toward one another with interest, respect, acceptance, and active engagement. This leads to what has been called “positive sentiment override” where there is such a background of positive emotion that couples are able to easily navigate big issues without the relationship coming apart.

The opposite is “negative sentiment override,” where a background atmosphere lacks positivity and consistently turning toward one another. In this situation, even minor disagreements can escalate into a major breakdown of communication and relationship satisfaction.

Gottman concludes that in relationships where people consistently turn toward one another’s bids for connection “they develop stable, long-lasting relationships rich in good feelings for one another.”

Bids can be verbal such as thoughts and opinions, or nonverbal such as a loving touch or warm facial expressions. We recommend reading John Gottman’s The Relationship Cure for a detailed discussion of the three types of relationship bids, turning toward, turning away, or turning against.

Here's a useful way to think about bids; if you have 100 interactions with your partner in a day, you actually have 100 opportunities to turn toward your partner with interest, warmth, and caring. Remember the 5 to 1 ratio? You have a lot of opportunities to do your part to strengthening a positive ratio. Why not 20 to1?

3. CHOICE AND SELF-MANAGEMENT

DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the past week. Record the number that best applies on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

0 = not true at all, or 0 percent; 1 = mostly not true, or 25 percent; 2 = partially true, or 50 percent; 3 = largely true, or 75 percent; 4 = totally true, or 95–100 percent

a. I am improving my ability to make bids (moves toward connection) and respond positively to your bids for connection. I use my mindful awareness of the present situation to consciously turn toward you rather than away from you or against you. I make “bids” that clearly communicate my desire for positive connection with you.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

You probably both want the same thing, secure emotional connection. If that’s not the case for either one of you, see a couple’s counselor to figure out where you’re going. If you’re clear on the fact that you personally want a great relationship with your partner, keep working on your ability to be mindfully aware, and able to minimize destructive habits while increasing your ability to show up in your relationship as the best possible version of yourself.

Every interaction presents an opportunity to make deposits in your couple account. Are you making more deposits than withdrawals? According to John Gottman and his colleagues, a relationship that has less than a 5:1 ratio will probably fail. How are you doing? Are you doing your part to improve the ratio?

b. I choose active constructive responses to you. I respond to you actively and constructively rather than responding with passivity, avoidance, defensiveness, criticism, or destructive anger. I consistently soften my self-talk and open to you. The “tone” of my self-talk is soft, gentle, and caring. I allow myself to be vulnerable. I take risks in revealing my needs and feelings.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

It’s hard to change old habits and it can be difficult to develop more conscious awareness; it’s difficult but far from impossible. If you keep on fine-tuning your responses you will continue to get better.

Imagine being on a path with masterful relating being your destination. You will from time to time deviate from the path, responding to your partner in a way that is relationship damaging. However, if you quickly get back on the path, apologize or make amends as necessary, and continue on, you are succeeding. You can’t fail as long as you quickly get yourself back on the path.

You are human. Deviations are predictable and are not failures. Over time, you will notice fewer deviations and you will be getting back on the path quicker and quicker. This is how you become a pro at being in relationship.

c. I am noticing small encounters that don’t necessarily involve conflict as opportunities to practice active constructive responding. I engage with you, listen to you, and respond to you actively and constructively. I respond to you with a relaxed body and a relaxed and open stance that communicates interest and a desire to know and understand you.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

It’s important to communicate with your partner in such a manner that they feel listened to and understood. Be mindful of your nonverbal behaviors such as your posture. Do you have a relaxed open stance that communicates you are receptive to what your partner has to say? Do you have a tone of voice that conveys calmness and acceptance?

You might ask your partner how receptive they perceive you to be. Also ask them if there are any of your behaviors that get in the way or communicate a lack of interest or understanding. Listen without defensiveness to their feedback.

d. I manage my defensiveness, impatience and/or frustration which normally lead me to interrupt or talk over you. Instead, I’m willing to take turns, allowing you to speak freely without interruption.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

It’s a discipline to be developed. Can you put your own thoughts and feelings on the back burner? Can you let go of your agenda until it’s clear that you are understanding your partner, and your partner feels listened to and understood?

Can you practice one of Stephen Covey’s “Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” – “Seek first to understand and then to be understood?”

Can you resist the urge to but-in or talk over your partner? Can you recognize your own frustration and impatience? Can you belly-breathe, slow down, and choose to not let these things get in the way of fully understanding your partner?

e. I refrain from premature problem-solving. Instead, I listen carefully and I listen for understanding, not for ideas I oppose. I recognize problem-solving behaviors as having a high potential for getting in the way of connection and moving together in new ways.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Premature problem-solving is often something men are accused of, but our experiences tells us it applies to men and women alike. We often get paid to make decisions in our work life and decisions get made constantly in our family life. Decisions are necessary and decisions are expected. Many of us pride ourselves in our ability to rapidly process information and effectively solve a problem. However, in relationships premature problem-solving can create new problems.

How did you feel the last time you are trying to explain a concern to your partner and they interrupted you with a solution – their solution! How about when you were trying to explain how you felt emotionally about something, and your partner jumped in with a factual analysis, or what seemed like a fact-finding inquisition.

You’ve heard it said that two heads are better than one. This is only true when two people are thinking and feeling together. That’s synergy and the result is often a more creative and more effective solution.

Sometimes we just want to be heard and understood. We don’t want a solution so much as we want someone to listen, someone to validate our feelings. Premature problem-solving or analysis gets in the way of deeper and more satisfying connection. Slow down and listen!

f. I recognize conversations that are counterproductive and possibly damaging to our relationship. I can admit my mistakes and apologized when I’m wrong. I realize I’m not perfect in this relationship, and I intend to do better. I invite you to enter in a more constructive dialogue, one in which both of us feel listened to and understood, and for each of us, our deep need for love and connection is being addressed.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Are you mindfully aware of conversations that aren’t helpful for your relationship? Can you talk to your partner about your communication without blaming? Can you appeal to your partner to work with you in building the communication you both need?

Consider using conversations that don’t go well as constructive learning experiences. Invite your partner to dialogue with you about ways communication could go better.

A caution: It’s really important to reframe this as “us against the problem,” instead of “us against each other.” Remember, the chances are you both want the same thing.

It’s okay to admit mistakes. No one’s perfect. A heartfelt apology can go a long way toward mending hurt feelings. Focus on how you’re going to improve upon your responses next time

g. Although a central task in couple conversation is understanding what you want to tell me, I do not get lost in analyzing what you are saying. I don’t get fixated on factual content. Instead, I strive to experience and understand your emotions. I experience you as an emotional being like myself and I am working to understand and appreciate your emotions.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

While facts are important, it’s even more important to focus on emotions. Each of you needs to feel free, secure, and comfortable in expressing your feelings. It’s important to co-create a sense of safety where each of you can communicate your feelings without fear of the other being hurt, angry, or critical.

If you find yourself having a tough time dealing with your partner’s emotions, talk about your discomfort. Understand that feeling safe talking about your feelings is vitally important for your relationship. Help your partner understand this and invite your partner to work with you in creating a sense of safety for sharing feelings. If this does not seem to be possible, seek counseling.

h. I notice the “busyness” of my mind when you are talking. I notice when my mind wanders or when I jump ahead to my own agenda. I’m getting better at noticing these qualities and bringing my attention back to what you’re saying. I stay “present” with you.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Buddhists call it a “monkey mind.” Research indicates that our minds wander 40% of the time. Although this is normal, you can train your mind to stay focused. You can get better and better at noticing your mind wandering and purposely bringing the focus back to your partner in what’s happening right now, in the “here and now.”

We urge you to develop a mindfulness meditation practice. In time you will discover that you have become quite adept at noticing what's going on in your mind, giving you the choice to decide if thoughts are useful or helpful. If not, you might decide to not proceed with troublesome thoughts but instead move on in the direction of your values.

i. I deal with painful or distressing communication without being “flooded,” in other words being overwhelmed by strong emotion. I accept difficult feelings, make space for them, and work with them without overreacting or trying to make unpleasant feelings go away.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Do you know when you’re being overwhelmed by strong emotion, yours or your partner’s? Throughout this book we talked about ways of being mindfully aware of your feelings and using self-calming strategies to slow down, calm down, relax, and tune in to what’s happening in the relationship.

With practice you can notice when you’re being flooded or moving into fight or flight mode. You can get very good at utilizing this awareness as a cue to begin slowing yourself down so you can be more effective in couple communication.

Sometimes it might be necessary to call “time-out.” Remember to make it only for a short time, let your partner know what you’re doing, and most importantly, let your partner know that you are coming back to the conversation. Otherwise they may feel abandoned and get very fearful or angry. Tell him or her that you need a short time to prepare yourself to be more able to focus on the discussion in a positive way. Assure your partner that your goal is to be fully present and hear everything they want to tell you.

J. I am making progress on increasing my ability to rapidly shift mentally, physically, and emotionally from defensive and reactive, to calm, open, and willing to learn.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.

The thoughts behind the statement.

Try to build a habit of putting a number from 1 to 10 on your level of stress and anxiety. Practice the self-calming skills in this book. The goal is to be able to catch yourself on your way to a 6, 7, or higher, and to be able use that awareness to move your sympathetic nervous system reactivity in the opposite direction.

This is a major life skill and of particular important in your relationships. You will make much better decisions, greatly reduce reactivity, and be much more able to demonstrate emotional intelligence.

Category Total Divided by 2_________________(transfer to Profile Sheet)

Next we will examine Choice 4, Self-Talk.