Chapter11: Mindful Self-Awareness

MINDFUL CHOICE 7

Intentional Relating

Awareness and Conscious Choices for Conflict Management and Relationship Building

"Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods."

Denis Waitley

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.”

Franklin D Roosevelt

This is our longest chapter, and for good reason. Relationships are either the source of the greatest happiness in your life, the greatest misery, or both. Yet becoming masterful in your ability to build strong, positive relationships is entirely within your grasp. We will show you how.

Rick and Ellen arrived early for their weekly marriage counseling session. Sitting in the lobby, Rick thought – things are going well, I don’t know why we need to be here this week. Breaking the silence and engaging in small talk, Rick said: “I’m really impressed by Rick Jr. did you see how he handled himself in that last game? Three goals! He’s got to be their best player. What do you think?”

Ellen replied: “Yeah, he’s terrific, and he’s got your competitive spirit. There’s simply no stopping him once he gets going. It was a lot of fun to watch.”

Rick thought – so far so good. We’re actually having a pleasant conversation. It’s going to be a good day. I still don’t know why we’re here.

Ellen shifted in her seat and leaned forward. Her smile faded. This might lead to another argument but she’d been holding back, and it needed to be said. “Ricky is doing well. He’s a great athlete and he’s getting good grades. He’s a good kid all-around, but it’s no fault of yours. You’re always too busy. Ricky wants more of you, but he never sees you these days. It’s all on me, and I can’t be both mother and father.”

Caught off guard, Rick felt a surge of anxiety and irritation. At a deeper level, fear, self-doubt, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy were exposed.

Rick felt his muscles tighten as anger welled up. Anticipating what was to follow, but nevertheless feeling compelled to react, Rick said: “Here we go again. You know how hard I work, and it’s all for you and Ricky. You know I want to spend more time with family, but it simply isn’t possible right now. This is a critical phase of my career, and what I’m doing is vital to our future. You need to cut me some slack.”

Now Ellen couldn’t hold back any longer – “Cut you some slack? You’ve got to be kidding. That’s all I do is cut you some slack. It’s time you stepped up to the plate and took care of your responsibilities at home. I hate covering for you all the time, and you don’t know how much it bothers Ricky. Also…”

Ellen’s voice trailed off as the lobby door opened and their therapist appeared in the doorway. Noticing the unhappy faces and feeling the obvious tension, the therapist said: “I can see there’s a problem. It’s good you’re here. Come on in.”

Ellen and Rick sat on opposite ends of the sofa, arms crossed, and obviously uncomfortable. Their therapist, looking from one to the other, asked “What’s going on?”

“He just doesn’t listen to me,” replied Ellen. “It seems we fight all the time, and it’s getting worse. Rick jumped in: “I don’t feel listened to either. She just doesn’t understand me, and I certainly don’t feel appreciated. It seems we can’t talk about anything without it leading to a fight, and I’m sick of it!”

Both seemed unhappy and agitated, and the therapist asked: “How often is it like this? Rick and Ellen replied simultaneously. “More often than not,” replied Ellen. Rick added: “It’s getting so I hate to come home.”

Increasingly upset, Rick and Ellen continued on, often interrupting or talking over each other. There were complaints and counter-complaints on each side as they launched into blaming, attacking, defending, accusing – appearing increasingly frustrated with each other, and becoming visibly angrier. Both felt caught up in a struggle that neither wanted, each throwing up defensive barriers that only increased their sense of mistrust and isolation.

It was obviously going nowhere other than broader and more intense conflict. The therapist held up her hand and called a halt – “Hold it! If you’re both talking, who is listening? Is either of you enjoying this spat? Does either of you want this conflict? Both Rick and Ellen immediately denied that the conflict was of their choosing, Rick said: “I hate it! I dread being together when it’s like this.” Ellen added: “There’s no fun anymore in being a couple. I want it back the way it was.”

The therapist asked: “on a scale of 1to 10, with 10 being the best it’s ever been, how satisfying is this relationship right now?” “It’s about a 2,” replied Rick. “I’d give it no more than a 3 or 4,” added Ellen. The therapist then asked: “Where would you like it to be?” Ellen quickly replied: “I want a 10 of course, and we used to be there.” Rick added: “I agree, I want a 10. I just don’t know how we got so far off course.”

“This is great,” said the therapist. “Look at all the agreement we have. You’re both dissatisfied with the way things are right now, and you both agree that you want a lot more. Let’s talk about bad habits that get in the way, and new choices that will help us move forward.”

“It’s all about choices, great choices versus bad habits. The essence of being masterful in your relationship is intentionally and consciously practicing foundational skills until they become powerful foundational relationship habits.”

When it comes to relationships you cannot, not choose. Anything you do, or don't do, is a choice. You can choose to be proactive and address problems. You can choose to stay actively involved in the maintenance of the relationship. You can choose to learn about how relationships work - or don't work. You can choose to enter - or leave relationships. You can choose to be kind and nurturing, or you can choose to be cold and indifferent. You can choose to be defensive, reactive and self- protective, or you can choose to let go of defensiveness and be open and willing to learn. You can turn away from, against, or toward the other person with the goal of understanding. You can choose to stay calm. You can choose to listen attentively. You can choose to be respectful. You can choose empathy. You can choose to learn how to apply Mindfulness to your communication, using mindful awareness to generate warmth, trust and intimacy

You can choose to not make choices at all, choosing to do nothing, letting the relationship play out as it will. This is probably the most damaging choice, and a choice many make without even being aware it's a choice - but it is. You cannot, not choose!

There are no choices more crucial to your well- being. How you handle relationships determines to a large extent your stress and "dis-ease,” or your joy and satisfaction with your life.

We view many psychological difficulties such as stress, anxiety, and depression as symptomatic of a life out of balance, something we call “dis-ease,” The term dis-ease is used by individuals and healing communities who are aligned with wellness, without focus on a particular ailment. Emphasis is placed on the natural state of "ease" having become imbalanced or disrupted. Life experiences, together with our beliefs and interpretations of those experiences, have created a disruption of what was supposed to be, resulting in a loss of balance in one’s life.

According to positive psychologist Carol Ryff, psychological well-being and balance means being able to function well in six key areas that taken together constitute not only mental health, but overall psychological and emotional well-being. These essential components to psychological well-being are:

• Environmental mastery – having control over different areas of your life, such as your job, your home, where you live, your finances, your social life, or your love/sex/romantic life.
• Autonomy – having the freedom to choose, the ability to think independently, and be accountable for, and responsible for, your own actions.
• A sense of purpose – having fulfilling goals and a sense of direction.
• Personal growth – being open to change, experiencing continued development, and feeling able to achieve your potential
• Self-acceptance – valuing all that you are and being kind to yourself.
• Positive relations with others – feeling competent and skillful in achieving, satisfying relationships.

This chapter addresses the sixth component of psychological well-being: Positive relations with others. You will find however that the first five areas are also dramatically affected by the choices discussed in the following pages – choices that often constitute “Keystone habits.”

We ask participants at stress and anxiety workshops, and members of our Mindful Choices therapy groups, for an estimate of the percentage of their anxiety and stress that stems from their relationships with others. Estimates range from forty percent to over ninety percent. In other words, problems in relationships equate to problems in anxiety and stress management. When our relationships aren’t going well, our lives seem out of balance. When our relationships are satisfying, we have all the benefits of a crucial component in psychological well-being.

This chapter is intended as a stand-alone resource for anyone seeking better relationships. It has little to do with finding the right person, changing others, or luck. Instead, it’s all about becoming who you want to be in your relationships. It’s about acting from the best within yourself. It’s about mindful communication based on self-awareness and self-management. It’s about training yourself to engage in genuine dialogue with a heightened ability to pay attention, empathize with others, and be open, honest and curious. It’s about embarking on a journey to become masterful in your relationships with others while dramatically increasing your insight, knowledge of self and self-acceptance. It’s also about overcoming bad habits and turning positive choices into strong new foundational habits.

Intentional Relating is the largest single component of our program, and for good reason. First,

it’s about an area of your life that may account for most of your stress, or your deepest satisfactions– and for most of us over our lifespan, it’s both. Secondly, more than any other component of our program, it’s about a complex process of skill development and personal growth.

Intentional Relating is a step-by-step program for achieving relational self-mastery leading to masterful and intentional relating. Beginning with acquiring skills in self-awareness and self-management, Intentional Relating is about being fully conscious, purposeful, and skillful in relationships. It’s about mindful awareness and mindful action leading to mastering crucial relationship skills, skills you cannot master without first mastering yourself. It’s about purposefully developing strong foundational relationship habits, freeing your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues.

We are confident that you will find this material truly meaningful. You’re a work in progress. Every small choice you make in developing and practicing Intentional Relating skills will pay big dividends, ultimately enriching your life, and the lives of those closest to you.

INTENTIONAL RELATING PRE-TEST (Couples version) Note that while the language for the self-assessment implies a couple relationship, the self-assessment can be used for any relationship with only a slight modification in language.

DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your thinking, beliefs, or behavior for the past week and record that number on the following table.

Begin and End Your	a	b	c	d	e	Total Divided
Day Peacefully	f	g	h	i	j	by 2= _______

0= not true at all, 1= mostly not true, 2= partially true, 3= largely true, 4=totally true

Note: while the language of this self-assessment is suited to answering in regard to couple relationships, you may choose to answer with the mindset of how you respond to any other relationship, or in general to others.

a. I Listen Attentively, Not Reactively. In my interactions with my partner, I listen attentively and I am conscious of equality and symmetry of air time. We each get to talk and be listened to with no one dominating the conversation or monopolizing the time we have for discussion. My intention is to understand my partner, help them feel listened to and understood, and engage with them in such a manner that the relationship is strengthened, and cooperation and productivity is enhanced.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

b. I Respond with Immediacy and Assertiveness. I talk to my partner about what I perceive is going on with us in the "here and now," in the moment. I do not "gunny sack," avoiding issues by stuffing and stacking my thoughts, feelings, and resentments until they can no longer be contained. I show respect for my partner by letting them know where I am coming from. I say what I mean. I don’t agree or say "yes" if I feel differently or mean "no."

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

c. I Am Non-defensive and Willing to Learn. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to operate beyond my ego, without the need to be defensive. I don’t have to appear perfect or conceal my mistakes. I am open to constructive feedback even if it means hearing complaints. I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths, accepting an open, willing-to-learn attitude as essential for my personal growth.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

d. I Effectively Use Self-Awareness. I am conscious of my physiological state, such as my breathing and muscle tension while talking to my partner. I am able to observe my own self-talk in regard to relationships. I am able to use this self-awareness effectively in self-management, responding calmly, non-defensively, and with the intention of balancing assertiveness with interest in what my partner wants to tell me. In my self-aware interactions I am open, willing to learn, and I pursue understanding rather than agreement.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

e. I Am Open, Self-Revealing, and Willing to Take Risks. I am willing to take risks in my relationship by sharing my true needs and feelings, even though I may feel awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. I am willing to trust in my relationship and my belief that honesty and openness is indispensable in relationship building.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

f. I Practice Mindfulness and Staying in the Now. I am conscious and intentional in utilizing mindfulness practice as a pathway to increasing intimacy, dialogue, and understanding. In my interactions with my partner, I remain mindfully conscious of the need to live fully in the present, letting go of past resentments, while working to keep fearfulness of future events from interfering with my ability to remain calm, respectful, and willing to connect.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

g. I Respond Actively and Constructively. When my partner wants to tell me something, I respond with enthusiasm. I am actively engaged in a positive way. I ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going. I maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. I listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of my own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

h. I Manage My Emotions, Listening Attentively and Not Reactively, Describing My Feelings Rather Than Attacking with Them. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to stay centered and grounded, able to use my emotions effectively for building my relationship, rather than allowing myself to be overly influenced by strong feelings. Even when emotions are experienced powerfully within my body, I am able to find a calm space within and manage my emotions rather than having my emotions manage me.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

i. I’m Guided by My Belief That Our Relationship Is a Priority. I remain aware of my valuing of our relationship. I remember to express small acts of connection and caring. I show up mindful and aware in our interactions as the person I truly want to be within the relationship. No matter what is happening, I do not lose track of the positive feelings I have about my partner and the relationship.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

j. I Am Aware of Choices and Increasingly Make the Right Choices. I am aware of the choices I have in relating to my partner. I can choose to turn toward, away from, or against my partner. I can choose to be adversarial, withdrawn, or empathic. I can choose to soften or harden. I can choose to listen attentively or reactively. I can choose to be open and willing to learn, or closed and defensive. I can choose to focus on protecting myself, or I can choose to engage in relationship building. I can choose to see conflict as dangerous, or as an opportunity to build my relationship. I’m aware of choices — and I can make the right choices! My present-moment awareness of the positive choices I can make, along with consistently practicing those choices, is resulting in increasingly choosing well.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

Add your scores, divide by two and enter your total score on the table above and also on your Mindful Choices Self-Assessment Profile Sheet if part of your overall mindful choices assessment, or on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment Profile Sheet below if you are working specifically on Intentional Relating.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

The following is an example of the table with squares a-J filled in with 10 scores, each square representing the 0-4 score on that particular statement. The scores are then totaled in the last square, for a total of 25 that is then divided by 2 for a final score of 12.5

Intentional	a 3	b 2	c 1	d 2	e 3	Total Divided
Relating	f 2	g 4	h 4	i 1	j 3	by 2= _______

The score of 12.5 is then located on the grid below, falling on the dividing line between 12 and 13. This means that Intentional Relating performance was in the “good” category. Overall, this means that the person taking this pretest was doing well with being conscious and intentional in his or her relationships with others. However, there is still substantial room for improvement. In fact, even with a perfect score there is no limit to how masterful with can become in relating to others. No set of skills is more important.

Okay, now it’s time to enter your score on the grid below.

How did you do? A more extensive self-assessment, our Intentional Relationship Skills Self-Assessment, will be presented in Appendix 1. In that lengthier and more complete assessment you will have an opportunity to look at your mastery of very specific skills, and you will probably find you’ve made substantial improvements simply in the time it took you to read this material.

The possibilities for growth and mastery are limitless. How good do you want to be in your ability to relate to others?

The thoughts behind the 10 Mindful Choice 7 statements

Each of the statements can be thought of as an affirmation, or as a desired state you want to achieve. Rating a statement with a “4” is an indication you are at an optimal level of functioning for a vital component of Intentional Relating. The 10 statements are repeated here with a brief explanation of the thinking that went into the construction of each statement.

a. I Listen Attentively, Not Reactively. In my interactions with my partner, I listen attentively and I am conscious of equality and symmetry of air time. We each get to talk and be listened to with no one dominating the conversation or monopolizing the time we have for discussion. My intention is to understand my partner, help them feel listened to and understood, and engage with them in such a manner that the relationship is strengthened, and cooperation and productivity is enhanced.

The word “discussion” often indicates a debate between two opposing viewpoints or positions. We much prefer an emphasis on “dialogue,” a respectful conversation aimed at mutual understanding as a foundation for creating trust-building collaborative action. Agreement is nice but it’s relatively unimportant compared to understanding, with each party coming away from the dialogue feeling listened to and understood. Often problems dissolve when there is genuine understanding within an atmosphere of mutual respect. When the problem persists and additional dialogue is needed, understanding creates the foundation for problem solution and conflict resolution. Throughout the dialogue, and in fact a prerequisite for dialogue, each person needs to feel safe in fully expressing their thoughts, feelings and expectations. Neither party dominates the conversation or monopolizes “airtime.” There is a balance between taking care of self and taking care of the other.

b. I Respond with Immediacy and Assertiveness. I talk to my partner about what I perceive is going on with us in the "here and now," in the moment. I do not "gunny sack," avoiding issues by stuffing and stacking my thoughts, feelings, and resentments until they can no longer be contained. I show respect for my partner by letting them know where I am coming from. I say what I mean. I don’t agree or say "yes" if I feel differently or mean "no."

Assertiveness is vital to healthy relationships. Often people hold back from expressing thoughts and feelings out of fear of being hurtful or creating more conflict. Most of us have been there. We’ve probably all been in situations where we’re surprised by things that come up in the heat of conflict, things we weren’t aware of, or perhaps thought were resolved. Maybe you’ve been the one to hold back. Perhaps you’ve found yourself holding back until anger and resentment could no longer be contained, or you left the relationship. Perhaps you have found yourself agreeing simply to keep the peace or avoid conflict. Perhaps you thought your own feelings were not particularly important and it was simply easier to go along with something you thought you could live with, only to realize later the full depth of your resentment.

Lack of assertiveness is a barrier to self-acceptance and a poison to relationships. In an effort to avoid emotional pain and conflict, or inflicting emotional discomfort on others, we usually wind up damaging the relationship and creating more pain and discomfort. Believe it or not, assertiveness is a primary tool in building relationships. If you get in the habit of telling it like it is, honestly and respectfully, you are creating a deeper and more authentic relationships People will actually like you, value you, and respect you more, and relationships will be stronger if you develop assertiveness skills.

c. I Am Non-defensive and Willing to Learn. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to operate beyond my ego, without the need to be defensive. I don’t have to appear perfect or conceal my mistakes. I am open to constructive feedback even if it means hearing complaints. I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths, accepting an open, willing-to-learn attitude as essential for my personal growth.

We’ve learned a lot from marriage researcher John Gottman. He describes the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as the four qualities couples most need to eliminate in order to have a healthy relationship. These qualities are:

• Criticism, where all problems are said to stem from the other person’s shortcomings, or problems of character.
• Contempt, where you are definitely fighting “dirty,” using, name-calling, and other vicious attacks.
• Stonewalling, where you simply refuse to deal with the issue or use a variety of ways of avoiding being engaged. Meant as a protection, this closed communication actually increases feelings of distress and isolation.
• Defensiveness is a pattern of avoiding personal responsibility and instead blaming circumstances, misunderstandings, the other person, or mysterious forces in the universe.

Fighting back and defending is definitely a relationship killer, and affects all relationships not just couple relationships. It grows out of early negative experiences with conflict and basic fears of being abandoned or being controlled.

Our belief is that defensiveness also arises out of the fear of truly being incompetent, unlovable, or simply a bad person if you don’t fight back and defend yourself. However, difficult as it may be, you can learn to let go of defensiveness and experience low-anxiety and connectedness within a pattern of open communication, mutual trust, and mutual respect.

You can even learn to welcome all feedback, even the feedback that makes you uncomfortable. After all, this is how you grow, so you want to be sure that you don’t “shoot the messenger.” Think of all complaints as simply important information about what is going on within the other person. You don’t have to agree, but it’s vital you are willing to listen and try to understand the other person’s unique view of their world. Non-defensiveness often opens the door to developing a dynamite relationship.

d. I Effectively Use Self-Awareness. I am conscious of my physiological state, such as my breathing and muscle tension while talking to my partner. I am able to observe my own self-talk in regard to relationships. I am able to use this self-awareness effectively in self-management, responding calmly, non-defensively, and with the intention of balancing assertiveness with interest in what my partner wants to tell me. In my self-aware interactions I am open, willing to learn, and I pursue understanding rather than agreement.

This statement deals with the quality of mindful awareness. Often in relational conflicts, our emotions are managing us rather than us managing our emotions. As we become more emotionally engaged, physiological arousal leading to fight-or-flight reactivity escalates. If we are “mindless” about what is happening within our minds and bodies, we find ourselves swept along by an emotional current that threatens to become an emotional tsunami. Again, we emphasize the cultivation of emotional awareness leading to the ability to calm down, slow down, relax, give up control, and simply give the other the gift of our calm, nonreactive and attentive presence. Probably all successful relationships, particularly those that are long-term and deeply satisfying, have this quality of mindful awareness and mindful self-management.

It begins with simply noticing thoughts and emotions, and realizing that this is a moment of choice. For example, you can slow yourself down, apologize and reach out to the other, or remain cold, resentful and closed. Mindful awareness means being “in the zone,” tuned into your inner debate, simply observing your inner dialogue and then following through with emotionally intelligent choices.

e. I Am Open, Self-Revealing, and Willing to Take Risks. I am willing to take risks in my relationship by sharing my true needs and feelings, even though I may feel awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. I am willing to trust in my relationship and my belief that honesty and openness is indispensable in relationship building.

Vulnerability has gotten a bad rap. Certainly we hate the idea of becoming vulnerable only to be abused, neglected, or taken advantage of. However, you can’t have a great relationship without risking vulnerability. When you open up and share your deepest needs and feelings within a safe committed relationship, the effect is often magical. Vulnerability leads to the other being more willing to be vulnerable, and the relationship deepens and becomes more authentic and deeply satisfying. Of course, there is a risk involved, but it is ultimately a necessary risk if you want a shot at a great relationship. To get there, you need to accept the goal of overcoming obstacles that have prevented you from allowing yourself to be vulnerable. Practice self-disclosure, even if it means taking baby steps, and allow yourself to take more risks. Your relationship cannot grow otherwise. Yes, it can be scary and there are no guarantees, but if you want the possibility of great relationships, there is no other way.

Observe yourself throughout your day. Are you taking risks or playing it safe? Look for opportunities to open up and share your feelings, even though it’s sometimes frightening to do so. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them. Stay calm. Stay respectful. Observe what happens. Our guess is you will find relationships opening up and increasingly becoming “us against the problem,” rather than “me against you.”

f. I Practice Mindfulness and Staying in the Now. I am conscious and intentional in utilizing mindfulness practice as a pathway to increasing intimacy, dialogue, and understanding. In my interactions with my partner, I remain mindfully conscious of the need to live fully in the present, letting go of past resentments, while working to keep fearfulness of future events from interfering with my ability to remain calm, respectful, and willing to connect.

Mindful awareness is about living in the present, not being preoccupied with regrets from the past or fears about the future. It means accepting “it is what it is,” and moving on. It’s about being fully present and aware in the “here and now.” It’s about paying attention to what’s going on right now in your interaction with the other, aware of any reactivity or defensiveness, any difficulty in letting go of the past, or fearfulness about what might happen in the future. It’s about tuning in and showing up in this moment in a manner that is most positive and effective in contributing to conflict management and relationship growth.

Learn to observe what’s happening in your mind in the moment. Are you primarily reacting to past events? Are you defending against future pain? Experiment with staying in the now, noticing all that is happening in your interaction in this very moment.

The essence of relationship effectiveness is not getting others to change, but rather having skills in self-awareness and self-management. The more you try to get other people to change, the more likely you will get back resistance and resentment. However, the more you focus on becoming self-aware and effectively managing your emotions with emotional intelligence (managing your emotions intelligently), the more masterful you are at creating, maintaining, and strengthening relationships. We emphasize ongoing practice in mindful awareness and self -calming skills, achieving the ability to quickly shift to being open and willing to learn, without defensiveness or reactivity.

The practice of open mindful communication is about letting go of mindlessness, and a primary focus on protecting yourself or promoting your wants and needs over the wants and needs of others. Instead, mindful communication means embracing what physicist David Bohm referred to as genuine dialogue, described as “a stream of meaning that flows among, through us and between us.” It means treating others with the healing communication psychologist Carl Rogers referred to as “unconditional positive regard.”

g. I Respond Actively and Constructively. When my partner wants to tell me something, I respond with enthusiasm. I am actively engaged in a positive way. I ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going. I maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. I listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of my own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.

In a 2006 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology article researchers Shelly Gable and her colleagues found that people usually respond to good news in one of four ways. The Active Constructive approach is by far the most meaningful in building and maintaining healthy relationships.

While Shelly Gable was writing about responding to good news, we see this technique as useful whether news is good or bad. In fact, it can be quite helpful to respond to a complaint or criticism by saying something like: “That concerns me and I’d like to understand it better. I want to hear everything you want to tell me about it and I will listen to you.”

It’s important to take the time to listen completely when your partner wants to talk to you. Practice being mindful, fully present in the moment. Follow Stephen Covey’s advice in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in which he stated: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Be careful about jumping in and finishing the other person’s sentence, offering advice, or hijacking the conversation to tell your own story. Remember to be genuine and honest and avoid pacifying or insincere flattery. Offer heartfelt congratulations or genuine empathy, whichever might be most appropriate. Ask open-ended questions and allow your partner to fully tell their story. Keep the focus on actively listening to your partner tell you about things that are important to them.

h. I Manage My Emotions, Listening Attentively and Not Reactively, Describing My Feelings Rather Than Attacking with Them. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to stay centered and grounded, able to use my emotions effectively for building my relationship, rather than allowing myself to be overly influenced by strong feelings. Even when emotions are experienced powerfully within my body, I am able to find a calm space within and manage my emotions rather than having my emotions manage me.

Mindful awareness of strong emotions such as anger, resentment and fear can serve as a reminder to soften your self-talk and turn toward the other with the intention to listen attentively and respectfully. Additionally, you help the relationship by not suppressing your own feelings, or attacking with them, but instead by describing them with assertiveness and “I” language.

We emphasize cultivation of deep awareness of thoughts and feelings leading to an ability to notice what’s going on inside, and a choice to be calm and focused, A learned mini relaxation involving diaphragmatic breathing can be very helpful in achieving this mindful presence.

A favorite book that we have found very useful is “Three Deep Breaths” by Thomas Crum. Three Deep Breaths is a recipe for calming and centering yourself, getting clear on what you want to be in the moment, and opening yourself up to discovering whatever the moment has to teach you.

i. I’m Guided by My Belief That Our Relationship Is a Priority. I remain aware of my valuing of our relationship. I remember to express small acts of connection and caring. I show up mindful and aware in our interactions as the person I truly want to be within the relationship. No matter what is happening, I do not lose track of the positive feelings I have about my partner and the relationship.

Often, in the heat of argument, the other person seems like the enemy, or seems dangerous in some way. Let’s look at how we get there. A very useful concept is the idea of “ladders of inference,” and here is how it works. Human beings are constantly observing and collecting information. As we gather data or observations, we make assumptions, draw conclusions, add meanings, and make inferences. That’s how we think, and generally it keeps us from being overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information constantly streaming at us from all directions. In the heat of an argument however, we have a tendency to ascend our ladder of inference, layering assumptions upon assumptions, inferences upon inferences, making broad generalizations and arriving at sweeping conclusions about what seems obviously wrong with the other person. At last we arrive at the top of our ladders, quite convinced that the other person is the enemy, or at least defective to the extent that they can’t see the wonderful logic of our own approach. Virtually all of us have been there. Some of us live at the top of the ladder, continuously finding what seems to be evidence for our position.

The challenge is about never losing track of your valuing of the relationship, something John Gottman calls “positive sentiment override.” No matter what is going on, don’t lose track of the importance of the relationship and the need to stay proactive about relationship building. Mindful awareness provides the quality of being aware of any impulse to ascend your ladder, instead staying focused on remaining conscious and intentional, building a strong positive relationship.

j. I Am Aware of Choices and Consistently Make the Right Choices. I am aware of the choices I have in relating to my partner. I can choose to turn toward, away from, or against my partner. I can choose to be adversarial, withdrawn, or empathic. I can choose to soften or harden. I can choose to listen attentively or reactively. I can choose to be open and willing to learn, or closed and defensive. I can choose to focus on protecting myself, or I can choose to engage in relationship building. I can choose to see conflict as dangerous, or as an opportunity to build my relationship. I’m aware of choices — and I can make the right choices! My present-moment awareness of the positive choices I can make, along with consistently practicing those choices, is resulting in increasingly choosing well.

It’s all about choices. Can you choose to have great relationships? Yes, we believe you can. True, relationships are often problematic, even disastrous. Half of all marriages fail, which doesn’t mean that the other 50% are deliriously happy. Maybe half of those would readily agree that they would marry the same person all over again, and without hesitation. That probably sounds depressing. We believe however that you can choose to be in the lucky 25%. In fact, it’s not really about luck in all. We maintain that it’s about awareness, self-management, choice, and mindful action. Remember also that we are not talking only about couple relationships. We’re talking about all of your relationships, and your ability to greatly increase your own satisfaction and happiness. Let’s take a look at a five-step process for establishing a strong foundation.

“Habitualizing,” a process for developing powerful foundational skills

The following is our model for systematically transforming intention into solid positive habits through a repetitive process of intention, awareness, focus and practice.

It’s about choices but it’s also about habits. Fully 40% of everything you do is a habit, and you have good ones and bad ones. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. What we aim to do is help you develop strong positive “foundational” relationship habits, thus freeing up your brain’s energy for more complex challenges and choices requiring psychological flexibility and creativity.

Bad relationship habits are the norm. Most people are “mindless” when it comes to relationship issues, either struggling to figure out how to respond in the moment, or responding with habitual and destructive “knee-jerk reactions.”

Your brain is literally the most complicated thing in the universe. It’s truly amazing, but easily overwhelmed by strong emotion. That’s when you’re likely to get caught up in “fight, flight, or freeze. Repetition of protective behaviors readily results in habits that work against having a great relationship. Most damaging are habitual behaviors of being overly defensive or reactive. For most people dealing with interpersonal issues, your brain struggles with conflict generated anxiety and confusion. For example:

Harry sat in Bill’s office looking rather bewildered. “I never know quite what to say,” said Harry, recounting an incident that happened earlier that morning. “We were having breakfast and suddenly, out of the blue, Sue was angry. Here I was, just eating my oatmeal, when she started in on me. She said we never do anything together anymore. I didn’t know what to say. I froze, struggling to quickly figure out how to respond. Should I give examples of where she was wrong? Would that trigger more anger? Should I change the subject? Should I tell her I’m late for work? I didn’t know what to do. I only knew that once more I was feeling a lot of anxiety. I felt stuck, so I did nothing but sit there feeling super uncomfortable – like a deer caught in the headlights.”

Harry’s example is precisely why we have developed a blueprint for “habitualizing” foundational relationship behaviors. We want our clients to be solving complex relationship problems, not struggling to make basic decisions on how to respond in the moment, or responding with preprogrammed negative relationship-destroying reactivity. In regard to basic decision-making, your brain shouldn’t have to be wasting energy deciding:

• Do I listen attentively, or do I listen reactively?
• Do I describe my feelings, or attack with them?
• Do I defend, or do I listen with openness and willingness to learn?
• Do I first calm myself down, or do I let lose my emotions?
• Do I turn toward my partner, or do I turn against or away from?
• Do I focus on the negative, or do I look for the positive?
• Do I just go for it, or do I remember to be mindful?

If these things are already decided and you have practiced “foundational” behaviors to the point where they are solid habits, your brain’s energy is freed up to deal with the complexity of making values-based choices that strengthen and build your relationship. You no longer have to struggle to come up with the right response in the moment, or respond with knee-jerk default behaviors that have more to do with negative things in your past than with opportunities to grow your relationship in the present moment.

Let’s revisit Matt as he learns about “habitualizing,” and building powerful “foundational” habits.

This “Matt story” is one of several found throughout the book. We use Matt’s journey to illustrate key points and concepts. This “Matt story” however is particularly important as it can be used as a template for your Intentional Relating development. Read the story very carefully as it’s loaded with important details. Work the process as described in your own relationship and you will find you have the power to greatly improve the quality of your relationship while becoming quite skillful not only in the way you deal with a particular relationship, but with relationships in general.

Following this plan doesn’t guarantee the success of your relationship, only that you are very effective in influencing relationship success, while helping your partner more readily join with you in building that relationship. Best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only 5 – 10 minutes a day and requires very little willpower.

Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, Plan (WOOP)

Matt arrived early for his weekly session. Sitting alone in the waiting room, he decided to take some time and review written information he’d been given on Mindful Choice 5, Self-Reflection and Managing Negative Self Talk. The material began with a quotation. He’d seen it before, and he’d wondered how someone in the first century A.D. could so succinctly sum up his experience in 2015.

Epictetus had said: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”

That’s got to be true, thought Matt. I sometimes respond as though Beverly is the enemy. I know that’s not true. Why then do I sometimes snap at her? Why is it so easy for me to be defensive? It seems so automatic. Before I realize it, I’m overreacting. I’m way over the top. Yes, Beverly can be difficult at times. Isn’t that true of everybody? But it’s not what she’s actually saying — it’s how I take it. Why can’t I change this? Why do I keep doing the same thing, over and over and over again? I feel anger and irritation so easily, and before I know it, I’ve put my foot in my mouth one more time, like 1000 times before. Why can’t I change? Really change? Is lasting change possible?

Those are some of the questions Matt posed to Robin. He had previously decided to work on Mindful Choice 7, Intentional Relating, and now he was realizing his reactions have a lot to do with Mindful Choice 5 material on underlying self-talk and beliefs – much of it going back to childhood. He repeated the questions: “Why can’t I change? Is real change actually something I can accomplish?”

Robin replied: “The short answer is yes, of course you can change. You can change virtually anything that’s important to you, but it takes more than wishing. In fact, wishing alone makes it less likely that you will do anything effective about the problem. It seems your brain is easily satisfied by the fantasy of the relationship going well and the pressure is taken off actually having to do something. I guess that’s where we get the term wishful thinking.”

“Okay,” said Robin. “I can see this is really important to you so let’s talk about a systematic way of bringing about change, actually a combination of methods validated by a mountain of scientific research. Let me introduce you to WOOP, which stands for Wish, Outcome, Obstacles, and Plan. This process can be applied to anything you want to change or accomplish, and the research is clear. You are far more likely to follow through and achieve the results you want if you go further than wishing and incorporate a plan for dealing with things that get in the way.”

“Let’s start with your Wish. What’s the immediate wish you have? What is a feasible change, something that you want to increase, decrease, or modify?”

Matt didn’t have to think much. “That’s easy. I want to stop responding to Beverly in an angry, irritable, or defensive manner. It’s not her, it’s me. I seem to have a hair trigger and I’m really crabby – sometimes I’m downright mean. When I’m like that I don’t like me very much, and I don’t think she does either”

Robin responded: “Okay, let’s talk about Outcome. Imagine the positive future outcome of being able to fulfill this wish consistently. What would that look like?”

Matt was ready with an answer: “Again, that’s an easy one. Our life together would be so much more satisfying. We’d be closer. It wouldn’t be two steps forward and one step backward. We’d actually be on a path toward having the relationship we’ve always wanted. I’d be fun to be with. I suppose I was once. I’d like to be there again.”

“Good,” Robin responded. “It would be great if imagining your preferred outcome was sufficient to bring about change, but unfortunately it’s not. By itself the wish is no more than wishful thinking and it can even trick your brain into being satisfied enough by the fantasy to not invest any energy in going further. Researchers have found however that pairing up the fantasy with the reality of what gets in the way, a practice called Mental Contrasting, really puts things in motion. Identifying realistic obstacles in contrast to a wish greatly increases your power to make lasting changes.”

“Okay, let’s tackle the Obstacle or obstacles. What’s the most critical personal obstacle, or collection of obstacles, standing in the way of fulfilling your wish?”

This was more difficult thought Matt. “Let me think about that for a moment. For sure it’s not something that Beverly is doing. It’s all within me. It’s like a knee-jerk reaction. Before I know it I’m responding . . .” Matt seemed to be struggling for the right word.

“Mindlessly?” Robin volunteered the term and Matt quickly responded: “Yes, I’m preprogrammed and my reaction is mindless, much like an old, old habit that has a life of its own. How do I break free?”

Robin replied: “First let’s break it down. Imagine the last few times you were a grouch. Building upon what you’ve already learned about mindfulness – and mindlessness –, what do you suppose was happening?”

“Well I definitely wasn’t being mindful,” Matt replied. “When Beverly started to talk I instantly perceived what she was saying as criticism and began playing my ‘victim movie.’ I thought to myself, here we go again! This is another thing I screwed up. Then I had to fight back. I guess I think if I don’t fight back, maybe I really will be seen as incompetent or simply a bad person. I suppose if I had been watching my breathing, I would’ve realized that I was definitely ’uptight,’ with shallow breathing and a lot of tension in my upper chest, neck, shoulders, and face. It all happens so fast, and why shouldn’t it? It’s been rehearsed again and again, all the way back into my childhood when I felt overly criticized by my parents and picked on by my brothers.”

“Wow, I never saw it so clearly before. I’ve been stuck here a long time. I really want this to change.”

Matt’s sincerity and eagerness were quite apparent to Robin, and she said: “Matt, the most important part of what we’re doing today is the last WOOP step, Plan. We’ll put together a detailed plan, based on methods that have been solidly researched, methods that greatly increase the probability you will not only make the changes you want, but you’ll stick to them over time, transforming your relationship with Beverly. Also, we will deal with the larger context of how you deal with Beverly in general.” Robin proceeded to outline a five step plan, Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice and Repetition, a plan designed to build strong “foundational” relationship habits.

The Five Step Plan

At least 45% of everything we do, say, think, or feel is habitual. With repetition our brain’s basal ganglia creates habits. It’s your brain’s way of being efficient and conserving energy. Unfortunately bad habits are created as well as good habits, and habits are hard to change. Our five step process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, Practice, and Repetition is designed to reprogram your brain through an ongoing process that takes minimal willpower and minimal time. The feedback from hundreds of our clients — it works! We start with Intention.

Step 1: INTENTION

Robin continued: “Author Wayne Dyer has said: ‘Our intention creates our reality.’ Certainly major change requires intention, the desire for things to be different or better than they are. What we suggest is that you write out your intention on a Post-it note and put it on the mirror so you can see it each morning as you’re shaving or brushing your teeth. To give your Intention an added boost, we also suggest you post one of your favorite pictures of Beverly. You can’t change things you’re not aware of, so you need to start your day by connecting to your goal, getting desired changes into your brain and embarking on a process of making those changes solid and permanent. ”

“Take just a minute to connect with your intention. Make sure you understand how this intention is an integral part of your overall life plan. Understand why this is important to you.

“Make it powerful! This first step should serve as a clear and compelling catalyst for launching a daily routine leading to rich rewards. However, in spite of the obvious benefits, many people simply forget to take this first step, so here’s what we suggest:”

“Keep it simple, something like ‘I intend to follow a daily routine of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice for treating Beverly with respect, understanding and empathy. My reward will be building powerful foundational skills for relating to Beverly in such a way that our relationship is strengthened and enriched.’ You can modify the statement, but make sure your statement includes routine and reward, components absolutely necessary for habit formation.”

“It’s extremely important to connect the cue with the routine and the expected reward. The cue is your daily self-assessment. Your reward is a greatly improved relationship. It’s vital that you believe getting increasingly higher daily scores on your daily self-assessment will result in powerful habits for relating consciously and intentionally, habits that will serve as a foundation for the relationship you’ve always wanted. Take just a moment to reflect on this intention as you are shaving or brushing your teeth, and you’re on your way.”

“Additionally, we suggest you keep a journal, recording thoughts you have throughout the day in regard to Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice. We suggest you record at least three things that went well in your relationship, why they went well, why they are important to you, and how you can have more of these rewards in your daily life. Record any other thoughts and insights about your daily self-assessment, along with notes to yourself on how to improve the process. Again, this is research-based and will give your habit development a powerful boost.”

Step 2. AWARENESS

“You can’t change something that you’re not aware of! We are all about habits, good ones and bad ones. Being a grouch or being defensive are no less bad habits than nail-biting or procrastinating. The important thing is to develop a mindful awareness of the present moment, catching yourself in the act while being aware at the same time of your commitment to make changes.”

“Each morning look back upon the past 24 hours and take about three minutes to complete your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, recording your score on the Intentional Relating Profile Sheet. This should only take you about three minutes to respond with a 0-4 on each of the 10 statements, including recording the results.”

“This last part is vital! Recording the results on the profile sheet is absolutely important to your success. We’ve got to get your self-assessment into your conscious awareness and keep it there on a daily basis. Also, this program works if you believe it will work, and you can’t help becoming a believer when you can see the results each day of getting better and better on the way you relate to Beverly. You won’t get it perfectly, and that’s okay. Don’t judge yourself. Let go of self-judgment and just tell yourself that you’re a work in progress and resolve to faithfully follow the plan. The important thing is to stay focused on the process and not allow yourself to get caught up in a preoccupation with past or future or with how things should be”

Matt replied: “I know this sounds silly and I know it only takes three minutes, but I’ve got a lot of things on my mind when I first get up. How do I remind myself to do it. I’m super forgetful – particularly in the morning.”

“I understand,” Robin said. “I guess that applies to most of us. What’s one thing that you do consistently every morning when things begin to slow down a bit?”

“That’s easy,” said Matt. “I can’t get going on anything until I get a cup of coffee. Then I sit for a bit and collect my thoughts.”

“Perfect!” Robin went on: “That’s a great opportunity to remind yourself to take three minutes to complete your assessment and record your results on the profile sheet. That’s it! Just look back on the last 24 hours, record your score on your profile sheet, and move onto the next step. By the way – the next step, visualization meditation, may take another 3-5 minutes. All in all though, when you think about it, it’s not a huge investment for dramatically improving the way you relate to Beverly. “By the way,” Robin said with a smile, “if it would help, you might consider posting a ‘Do my assessment!’ reminder note on the coffee maker.”

Step 3. FOCUS

“This is where WOOP comes in. Your Wish is the easy part. The wish is simply getting all 4s on your assessment tomorrow. You’re already clear on the Outcome as well as the Obstacles.

The next step is formulating an if-then plan. Being very specific, plan what you will do when you notice elements of being uptight. For example, if you notice any of these elements, then you will take three deep breaths, remind yourself of your intention to build a satisfying relationship with Beverly, remind yourself of all the benefits of being in such a relationship, and commit yourself to listening without defensiveness, giving up having to be right, having to win, having to fix it, or having to escape or avoid. Instead you will focus on understanding, suspend operating from your ego, put your own stuff on the back burner and tune in calmly and respectfully to Beverly.”

“Use the same formula for any other obstacles you identify, and if you want to make your if-then planning really powerful, write down the plan! The simple act of writing down your plan in detail increases the power of the step exponentially.”

“Visualize the process, not so much the end goal. If you focus too much on the end goal your brain will experience a release of dopamine and a sense of reward. You may actually lose motivation as your brain perceives the work is done. It’s far more effective to visualize the process in detail. Be process oriented rather than goal oriented.”

“Looking forward, visualize proceeding through your day in such a manner that you will be pleased when you next complete an Intentional Relating Self-Assessment, approximately 24 hours later. However, it’s not just a matter of wanting to do well. You must also visualize the obstacles you’ve already identified. Visualize all the signs of being ‘uptight,’ such as shallow breathing, muscular tension, defensive self-talk, or a strong desire to avoid or escape — all signs of being in fight-flight-freeze mode.”

“We suggest starting off with your usual meditation, although it doesn’t have to be very long. In fact, it might only be 3-5 minutes.”

“Next visualize responding to each obstacle with your if-then plan. Take your time and visualize successfully enacting your plan with great detail as though it’s actually happening. The more detail the better. Incorporate sights, sounds, events, etc., and don’t forget to imagine all the good feelings you’re going to have as you see yourself growing in your ability to be conscious and intentional in the way you relate to Beverly. Most of all though, remember that your training your brain to deal with challenges,”

“Don’t make it easy on yourself. Picture working through difficult situations, and mentally rehearse responding well regardless of Beverly’s actions. Remember, she’s human and she can be difficult also. That shouldn’t keep you from responding mindfully and with emotional intelligence. Also, don’t forget to imagine yourself practicing self-calming skills such as diaphragmatic breathing, taking the time to get yourself out of fight-flight-freeze mode.”

“This is something we call Visualization Meditation, imagining step-by-step going through your day and performing in the optimal area on your Intentional Relating Self-Assessment. It’s very similar to the mental rehearsal of top-performing athletes, and what has been shown in research time and time again to be highly effective in establishing desired behaviors and enhancing performance. The better your mental rehearsal, the better the outcome.”

Step 4. PRACTICE

“Habits and practice are absolutely interrelated. Anything you repeat is on its way to becoming a habit. Bill and I are constantly telling people that they can change virtually anything they want to change. All they have to do is cultivate present moment awareness, break the behavior down into bite-size pieces, choose new behaviors, and add regular practice plus calm perseverance otherwise known as patience. There you have it – new habits are formed!”

“Throughout the day, perform mind body checks, pausing to take three deep breaths and then tuning into your mind and body and reminding yourself of your intention to manage your stress and specifically to manage your relationship consciously and intentionally. This is also a great time to repeat affirmations you created to keep you on track about your desire for doing your part to build a strong, satisfying, loving relationship with Beverly.”

“An affirmation can be as simple as stating your intention as though it’s actually happening already, such as: I treat Beverly with respect, understanding and empathy.”

“Again, pair the small self-reflection breaks with a high probability behavior such as taking a drink of water, coffee, tea, or another beverage. The high probability behavior then becomes your cue to remind yourself of your intention.”

Matt had a question: “What if I’m doing much better, and Beverly is the one being difficult? What if she’s not responding in a positive way to me?”

Robin had anticipated this question and she replied: “That’s a great question, and one we hear all the time. We have a simple answer – do the right thing anyway! No one is perfect and your partner’s not perfect either. Change the things you can change. Remember, you’re developing strong habits for being really masterful in the way you communicate with Beverly. The way you respond cannot be contingent on Beverly’s behavior. Simply focus on being increasingly skillful with practice, regardless of what’s happening with Beverly. In general, you’ll probably notice the relationship becoming more satisfying, more open, and more trusting, but like any other relationship there will be peaks and valleys. Your job is to be remain self-aware and self-managing in such a manner that you’re consistently contributing a positive and constructive presence.”

Step 5. REPETITION

Robin continued: “let’s get back to the steps. Repeat the entire process of Intention, Awareness, Focus, and Practice the next day, and every day, until you’ve literally rewired your brain and created powerful new habits. You may need as many as six of the profile sheets covering a full 60 days of practice. On the other hand, you may find change coming about much more quickly. The idea is to have your daily results consistently in the optimal area, and maintain the results at that level.”

“You’ve no doubt heard it said that it takes 21 days to create a habit. However, according to research, it can take much longer depending upon the habit. We believe that keeping your score in the optimal level for 21 days is probably enough to be transformational. In any event, focus on the process rather than the product. Be patient with yourself and keep practicing. Ultimately, the results will be quite impressive.”

“This approach to change is evidence-based and largely grows out of cutting-edge neuroscience research. We’ve seen great results.”

“HABITUALIZING”

Relationship difficulties usually don’t occur because of lack of awareness of positive ways of communicating. Instead, they tend to occur because of habitual ways of thinking, feeling, perceiving, and behaving. The problem isn’t so much what’s going on in the present moment, as how it’s perceived in a rather consistent way. Past learning and choices have given rise to habitual, knee-jerk reactions. Let’s again rejoin Matt and Robin as Matt learns about replacing negative habits with positive habits.

Robin went on: “Our brains are amazing. There is nothing more complicated in the universe, and such complexity requires an enormous amount of energy, more than any other human organ. In fact, your brain uses up to 20% of the body’s total energy requirement. Habits are the way your brain conserves energy, freeing energy for more complex problem-solving. For example, you didn’t have to think about driving here. You just drove, and probably you were able to focus on many other things during the drive. Driving has become routine and habitual, and that’s just one example of a great many things that have become habits. The more habits, the more things are routine, the more energy your brain has available to do the “heavy lifting” of really tough issues. To conserve energy, we constantly form habits, either good ones or bad ones, and now you’re going to get to choose which relationship and communication habits you’re forming and strengthening.”

Our term for this process is “Habitualizing.” The less you have to think about basic communication, the more energy your brain has available to deal with complex issues that occur in every relationship. For example, if you habitually respond to Beverly by actively engaging her in a constructive manner, habitually shift into present moment awareness rather than getting stuck in the past or future, habitually drop defensiveness, habitually listen attentively and not reactively, habitually describe your feelings rather than attack with them, and habitually focus on self-awareness and self-management rather than trying to change your partner — then your brain can deal with the complicated and challenging relationship issues that constantly arise. You don’t have to think about whether to choose “fight or flight” or “tend and befriend.” Basic skills have become “habitualized.” Relating well has become routine, an SOP or ‘Standard Operating Procedure’ for your relationship, and all in just 10 minutes a day.”

“Besides, there is such a thing as ‘decision fatigue’ where your brain is simply tired of constantly making decisions about how to respond, and it leads to decision avoidance through withdrawal or defensiveness. The more you can reduce the number of trivial responding decisions, the better.”

Matt had another question: “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose — purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Robin responded: “That's an excellent question. Autopilot is only a bad thing when you continuously repeat ineffectual or self- defeating behaviors until they become automatic and habitual. On the other hand, you want positive behaviors to become so routine that they occur virtually out of conscious awareness, thus freeing your brain for more complicated procedures.” Mindfulness or self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits, leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants — being effortlessly effective.”

“Have you known people who seem to be real pros at relationships? Have you known people who seem to have a knack for it, and make masterful relating seem natural and easy? Well, for some it is relatively easy because they have well-established “foundational” relating habits in place. You can to. It’s a matter of awareness of choices and following through making those choices into habits.”

Matt had been following Robin’s explanation by way of an outline Robin handed him when she began her description of the process. He was excited and eager to begin. “I can do this,” said Matt. “All I needed was a clear plan, and this is it. I can definitely see how I’m going to make this work. I’m ready to go and I’m looking forward to sharing the results with you next time.”

Mindfully Changing Habits

Decades of relationship work have led us to a deeper understanding of the role of habits in everything we do. Current brain research has given us powerful tools for changing habits. You don’t have to be habitually controlled by memories of your past, or habitually caught up in fear of the future, or habitually stressed out and confused by what’s happening right now. You can be conscious and intentional in training your mind to deal with ever present challenges with powerful and effective automated behaviors. In other words you can be mindful and truly masterful in your relationships through the interplay of mindful awareness and mindful habit change. All you need is to remember to be mindful of creative choices for building your relationships, while having basic positive relationship-enhancing habits already well in place.

Want to have really great relationships? Want to be the best version of yourself in relationships that you can imagine? Does it take self-discipline? Yes, but you really don’t need any more self-discipline than what’s required to automate powerful foundational relationship habits.

In the above session with Robin, Matt asked the question: “I’m just a little confused. We talked a lot about mindfulness and getting beyond autopilot bad habits. Now we’re talking about creating habits on purpose — purposely creating autopilot responses. How does mindfulness go with autopilot?”

Mindfulness according to Jon Kabat-Zinn is “being aware, on purpose and nonjudgmentally, of what is happening as it is happening in the present moment. Mindfulness is about being conscious, conscientious, intentional, and effective. It allows us to be fully present in the moment, while being flexible and receptive to whatever is going on. The opposite of mindfulness is being mindless, often on autopilot, reacting your way through your life with little awareness of choices. Mindlessness accounts for much of what we do that is ineffectual, counterproductive, contrary to our values, or self-destructive. Mindlessness is a relationship destroyer.

So, being mindful is a good thing. I think we can all agree upon that. Should we therefore strive to be mindful all the time? Is autopilot always a bad thing? The answer to both questions is “No!”

Habits exist for a reason. You repeat things that are pleasurable, learn to avoid things that are painful or dangerous, and with repetition strong enduring habits are created. This is your brain’s way of conserving energy. Imagine if you will driving your car. What if you had to be totally mindful of every movement? Of course you’re supposed to be paying attention, but much of your driving behavior is automatic, freeing your brain up to focus on many other things. This isn’t bad. It’s simply the way things are. Your brain is constantly creating habits, good ones and bad ones. You may as well take charge and create good ones, changing your default setting from self-defeating autopilot responses to positive and effective autopilot responses.

Robin had responded to Matt: “Mindfulness or self-awareness of bad habits, and embarking on a mindful practice of developing good habits, leads to the kind of autopilot everyone wants — being effortlessly effective.”

So, great relationships depend upon both mindfulness leading to creativity and psychological flexibility, and basic foundational healthy responses that have been automated to free your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues. That having been said, there’s a lot that can be learned about healthy choices. As we have seen above, when those healthy choices are repeated frequently enough, they not only get easier, they become routine. YOU CAN MINDFULLY CHANGE HABITS.

Let’s shift our focus to the choices. The following are the essential choices that we seek to develop in clients who are having severe anxiety and stress due to relationship difficulties:

THE SHEARERS’ SIX INTENTIONAL RELATING CHOICES

1. Adopt and maintain an intentional attitude. "I intend to help this relationship work." 

2. Tune into your body and mind, calm and center yourself, and choose to make a shift to openness and non-defensiveness.

3. Open up and put your cards on the table, assertively, not aggressively. Describe your feelings; don't attack with them.

4. Tune into your partner, calmly, non-reactively, and respectfully.  Listen to understand. Agreement is not necessary, but understanding is vital.

5. When there is conflict, or an issue arises, turn toward the other with empathy and understanding, and a willingness to learn.

6. Make it a priority to learn and practice intentional relating skills, continually! It's a lifelong journey.

Imagine routinely responding to conflict with confidence, strength, and a clear sense of direction and purpose. Visualize conflict as an opportunity to build relationships, something to be welcomed rather than feared and avoided.

Few can hear the word "conflict" without an emotional reaction, a reaction often conditioned by painful and costly experiences. Usually such experiences go back to childhood and learned beliefs that made anger and conflict seem dangerous.

Attitudes toward anger and conflict are shaped early in life by messages we hear from family and others. Many of us heard things such as "Button your lip," "Turn the other cheek," "Fighting won’t solve anything," "Don’t be selfish," "Keep your opinions to yourself," "Children are to be seen and not heard," and " Go to your room!" What messages did you hear? Most people learn that conflict is unpleasant, even dangerous. Some learn they must fight back at all costs. Others learn to avoid or clam up. Most of us learn that anger and conflict are wrong. Choices learned early become enduring habits.

In our clinical practice we often find ourselves dealing with our clients' attitudes toward conflict and their difficulties responding to conflict in a confident and positive way. For example, when we facilitate anxiety groups or eating disorder groups we find extreme discomfort with anger and conflict is a common denominator among group members.

In group therapy for panic disorder our clients often have a visceral reaction to conflict, telling us of feeling ill or stressed while watching a short video depicting a couple in heated verbal conflict. Whenever we encounter someone who is having panic attacks, one of the first questions we ask is "What do you do with your anger?" The usual response is that anger is something that causes such extreme discomfort that it is avoided altogether.

The major reason why couples come to us for couples’ therapy is difficulty in dealing with conflict. Because of old tapes from childhood or past relationships, they see conflict as wrong and their partner as dangerous. They perceive a "win-lose" situation where there can be only one winner, and of course no one wants to be the loser. Avoiding losing means habitually choosing self-protection through controlling behaviors, compliance, indifference, or escape and avoidance. Each party avoids taking responsibility for their part of the conflict, instead seeing the other as "the problem."

In divorce mediation work we find many couples locked in a bitter struggle that may go on for years. For most, divorce is a nightmare. It's an adversarial situation where couples who once loved one another seem destined to stay connected through fear, distrust, and anger. Costs in time, energy, money, and emotional distress may seem overwhelming. There are usually no winners and children may be hurt the most.

Couples who lacked the ability to deal effectively with conflict during their marriage, now continue to hurt one another largely out of an ongoing lack of conflict management and conflict resolution skills. If children are involved, an ongoing cooperative relationship between parents is vital. How can highly conflicted couples who couldn't manage conflict in their marriage have such skills during and after their divorce?

Learned attitudes toward conflict affect families, couples and people in a work setting. Our organizational development work is focused on team building and conflict management training. The most common reason our services are requested by an organization is conflict that has become so disruptive that morale, cohesiveness, and productivity are jeopardized.

Difficulties with conflict pervade almost all of our work and seem to be central to most of our clients' problems. Much of our work over the past ten years has been the development and presentation of conflict management and conflict resolution programs. The process for responding to conflict that we teach is a process we call "intentional relating."

What is intentional relating? It's a way of relating to others developed through learning specific skills and practicing those skills until they become conscious, intentional, and routine — until they become habitual. It's a way of relating that involves making a shift from being closed and defensive, to being open and willing to learn. It means having the ability to calm down, slow down, relax, give up having to be right, give up having to win, give up needing a quick fix. It means tuning into your partner with empathy and understanding. It means having the skill to get the other person to stop being defensive, instead having a willingness to open up to you and work with you toward a collaborative solution. It’s about making emotionally intelligent choices.

What is the opposite of intentional relating? It's hit-or-miss, haphazard, often unconscious, flying by the seat of your pants reacting. It's what happens when you perceive conflict as dangerous and choose to respond defensively. It's closing down and resisting hearing what the other has to say. It's not taking responsibility for your part in the dispute. It's behaving in a way that virtually insures the other person will react in a similar manner or avoid you altogether. It’s responding in such a way the dispute will probably not be resolved and your relationship will probably be damaged. Certainly warmth and trust are not being developed. An opportunity for personal and relationship growth is lost. It’s being on autopilot with knee-jerk habitual reactions. It’s being mindless!

Let's take a closer look at each of the Six Intentional Relating Choices. Each strategy is based upon clear choices and intentions and requires extensive time, energy, and practice before new patterns of behavior are firmly established, but the benefits in terms of life satisfaction, reduced stress, and overall well-being are enormous.

CHOICE 1: ADOPT AND MAINTAIN AN INTENTIONAL ATTITUDE

It would be impossible to develop or maintain conflict management skills without having what we call an "intentional attitude." This attitude conveys a profound respect for your partner's different needs and desires. It's an attitude based on the belief that the relationship is important and needs to not only maintained, but strengthened. It's an attitude that accepts responsibility for either contributing to the problem or being part of the solution. It's an attitude that includes a belief that the best outcome to a dispute is a collaborative team effort. It's an attitude that sees conflict not as a danger to be defended against or avoided, but as an opportunity to build a relationship.

An intentional attitude is based on five principles:

• Conflict is inevitable. It's going to occur whenever people are in relationship. That's because we're all different and it needs to be okay for different people to want different things. Each of us has our own unique set of wants, desires, preferences, fears and goals. We each have our own unique awareness of the world around us. We have our own perceptions and memories. It is not a case of good guy vs. bad guy so much as the need for parties in a dispute to acknowledge and respect differences, and choose a process that is cooperative rather than avoidant, agressive, threatening, or competitive.

• The choice in response to conflict is what matters. Conflict is neither good nor bad; It's simply a fact of life. The important thing is not whether conflict exists, but rather the response. There are two choices: a defensive or avoidant response, or openness and a willingness to learn.

• The other person's needs are valid. Often the thing that most undermines a relationship is trying to figure out who has a more valid argument. Trying to invalidate the other person's needs is almost sure to cause a defensive reaction and lead to a breakdown in communication. The easiest way to move beyond this impasse is to hold fast to the principal that both your needs and your partner's needs are equally legitimate and important.

• It only takes one person to change an interaction. At any point in a dispute either party can choose to shift away from defensiveness toward intentional relating. By doing so, they make it much more likely that the other person will respond with less defensiveness and more openness.

• Conflict resolution requires partners, not adversaries. In an adversarial situation there are winners and losers, and usually only losers if a valued relationship is damaged. In a valued relationship, there is no such thing as win-lose; there is only win-win, or lose-lose. To build and deepen a relationship conflict must be viewed as a problem both partners must solve. The fifth principal of intentional relating is based on the belief that the best solutions usually result from a collaborative team effort.

CHOICE 2: TUNE INTO YOUR BODY, AND MIND, AND CHOOSE TO MAKE A SHIFT

We like the phrase "up-tight." It is one of the most descriptive phrases in the English language. When you're up-tight you're carrying all of your tension in your upper chest, shoulders, neck and head. You tend to breathe shallowly, even hyperventilating when under sufficient stress. If you're prone to stress headaches this is how they begin.

When you're up-tight it's almost impossible to respond non-defensively unless you first tune into and change your inner state. You must first be “mindful” of your physiological state, as well as what is going on in your head and your emotions.

The first step is to change your breathing pattern. Visualize moving your center from your upper chest to your abdomen. This means shifting from thoraxic, upper chest breathing, to breathing from your diaphragm, or “belly breathing.” If you've had voice lessons, participated in Lamaze, or yoga, you probably already have some idea how to do this. Even if this is the case, you probably need practice. It’s not just knowing how to do diaphragmatic breathing – practicing to the point where it’s virtually second nature. That’s what gives you a learned relaxation response when you need it.

Breathing diaphragmatically is the easiest and quickest way to relax yourself, and quickly become mindful and focused. If you've never done this before, place one hand over your chest and one hand on your abdomen just below your belly button. Now practice breathing in such a way that the only hand moving with your breathing is the hand over your abdomen as the movement of your diaphragm causes your abdominal wall to move in and out. It may take some time and practice but it's well worth it. You will discover an instant self-calming skill you can use whenever you catch yourself being up-tight.

Once your breathing pattern has changed, it now becomes possible to calm down, slow down, relax and choose to make the all-important shift to being open, non-defensive, and willing to learn. Such a shift is not likely to happen without self-calming skill based upon well practiced diaphragmatic breathing.

Incidentally, we ask our anxious clients to practice diaphragmatic breathing for 10 minutes a day, for the next year (or until a daily breathing practice has been incorporated in a meditation practice). We see such breath retraining as vital. Not only to managing anxiety and stress, but to cultivating mindfulness. This is discussed further under Choices One and Four of the Mindful Choices program.

Two more steps are necessary before the shift is complete. The first step involves an awareness of what's going on in your head. Do your thoughts during disputes generate increased calm, or do they serve to arouse and maintain your distress and adversarial attitude? Consider for example the following self-distressing and conflict-perpetuating thoughts:

• " He’s not going to get away with this. I'll get him back."
• " I don't dare say what I really think. I can't risk her getting angry."
• " I'm right. He should just accept my point of view."
• " She just wants to push me around. She always thinks she can have it her way."
• " He's always such a jerk"

Examples of self-calming thoughts that lead to a more effective responses are as follows:

"She has her own point of view. I need to hear her thoughts."

• "This relationship is important. We both need to feel heard and understood."
• "We need to find a win-win solution."
• "We have a problem. We can only solve it as a team, as partners."
• "We see things differently. It's important that we understand each other."

The final step completes the shift and is the essence of intentional relating. Simply put, be willing to be influenced by the other. This step cannot be over-emphasized. Unless there is a willingness to open up and learn from one another, a willingness to be influenced, there can be no relationship. In studies of marital relationships it has been found that those who were unwilling to be influenced by their partner were probably doomed to fail in their marriage. The same is true of any relational dispute. If there's any chance of conflict resolution each party must be open to hearing and considering what the other has to say.

CHOICE 3: OPEN UP AND PUT YOUR CARDS ON THE TABLE

This strategy involves honest, assertive communication. It takes you right to the heart of the issue as you disclose information about yourself, particularly your feelings and wants. It's a focus on your own unique awareness of the issue and involves willingness to express your complete truth. Rather than a defensive posture, this strategy allows you to channel your energy into positive change, inviting your partner to do the same.

The strategy is often difficult as it involves risks. There may be fears of rejection, abandonment, or a nasty argument. For many it's a matter of assertiveness training, gradually building skill and confidence. The fears are usually groundless. The truth is that others will generally like you and respect you more if you are assertive and self -disclosing. In discussing a difficult subject a straightforward approach often leads to a collaborative outcome.

A straightforward, assertive, respectful approach in which you're sharing more of yourself often leads your partner to do the same. Certainly you increase his or her choices for constructive responding. Disclosure leads to disclosure and in turn, new understanding, relationship satisfaction, and conflict resolution.

CHOICE 4: TUNE INTO YOUR PARTNER

This step doesn't have to follow STRATEGY 3. The order could be reversed or the strategies could be implemented simultaneously. At any point in the discussion be willing to follow your partner's lead. Perhaps the quickest way to enter into a collaborative team effort is to begin letting the other person express his or her thoughts and feelings about an issue. It helps greatly to be willing to follow your partner’s awareness of the issue wherever that may lead.

This strategy involves putting your own concerns temporarily on the back burner. This is a chance to put yourself in the other person's shoes. Do this by following what the other is saying without evaluating or trying to control the conversation. You may not agree with what the other has to say. That's okay. It is not necessary to agree, only to understand. If understanding leads to feeling and expressing empathy, so much the better!

It may not always work but usually this strategy will reduce tension, create rapport, and build trust. It generally leads both partners to feel good about themselves and each other. It insures that information being gathered is more complete and accurate and this kind of listening earns the right to be heard.

CHOICE 5: WHEN THERE IS CONFLICT, OR AN ISSUE ARISES, TURN TOWARD THE OTHER WITH EMPATHY AND UNDERSTANDING, AND A WILLINGNESS TO LEARN

Well-known couple therapist Dan Wile states: “Accusing turns your partner into someone who can’t listen. Listening turns your partner into someone who might listen.” Wile maintains that we have three choices in dealing with conflict: we can turn against the other in an adversarial cycle, away from the other in a withdrawal cycle, or toward the other in an empathy cycle. You can also choose to respond in what John Gottman, another well-known couple therapist and researcher, calls a “softened startup,” engaging the other calmly and respectfully, and with a willingness to learn.

CHOICE 6: MAKE IT A PRIORITY TO CONTINUE TO LEARN AND PRACTICE INTENTIONAL RELATING SKILLS

Relationship building is an ongoing job. We're assuming that your relationships are important to you, important enough for you to invest time and energy in building and maintaining positive relationships. We're assuming you'd like the power to transform conflict into conflict resolution and the building of stronger relationships. The message of Choice Seven is you do have that power. You have the power to create a supportive communication climate that encourages others to work with you rather than against you.

Conflict Solutions Roadmap

What follows is our Conflict Solutions Roadmap, designed to graphically show you two basic choices: choosing protection or choosing new learning.

^{A QUICK TOUR OF OUR "CONFLICT SOLUTIONS ROADMAP.”}

^{We're all different. That fact makes conflict inevitable. The choice is to go left, along the "PATH OF FEAR, PROTECTION, AND COMPETITION," or right along the "PATH OF NEW LEARNING." The chosen path makes all the difference. The choice itself, or the "shift" as we call it, can take a split-second , weeks, months, or years. In many instances, it never happens. Our goal is to make the shift instantaneous, automatic, and routine. Of course, substantial coaching and practice is involved.}

^{If the left path is chosen, certain things happen. Inner dialogue, or "SELF-TALK" tends to be alarming, a "call to battle." Your INTENTION becomes being on the winning side of a win/lose contest, or simply avoiding the pain of conflict.}

^{INDIVIDUAL CHOICES AND BEHAVIORS naturally follow. Your choices are to fight back, give in, run away, or do nothing in the hope that the conflict will go away on its own, or that others will forget about it if it's not mentioned.}

^{ORGANIZATIONAL CHOICES AND BEHAVIORS are similar with the addition of RELIANCE ON HIGHER AUTHORITY. You might choose to put it all on your boss, or possibly even see a lawyer and go to court.}

^{As there are at least two of you involved in the conflict, a number of different interactions are possible. A FLEE-FLEE interaction for example, may seem improbable but it's exactly what happens when parties to conflict avoid each other at all costs.}

^{LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES are predictable if the left path is chosen. For individuals, depression, anxiety, and loss of self-esteem are long-term consequences. For couples and families, relationships may be destroyed. Organizations cease to be places of high morale, productivity, cohesiveness, or profitability.}

^{Let's move to the right pathway. As was the case for the left path, choosing the right pathway makes all the difference. First comes the core belief that CONFLICT IS AN OPPORTUNITY, continuing with SELF-TALK that helps you calm down, open up, be non-defensive, and willing to learn. It's a natural step to an INTENTION that a mutually beneficial solution is your goal.}

^{INDIVIDUAL CHOICES AND BEHAVIORS of the right path are essential to a collaborative team effort. The first choice is to get in touch with your inner state. We teach our clients to monitor their minds and bodies, responding to conflict with self-calming thoughts and relaxing abdominal breathing. we teach specific talking, listening, and problem solving skills. A most important ingredient is a conscious and intentional "WE ATTITUDE." We tell our clients that they may not agree, and that's okay, but understanding, acceptance, and respect are imperative.}

^{Organizational choices are similar with the addition of a BUILT-IN PROGRAM for conflict resolution. We stress SKILLS TRAINING for all employees. An OPTIMAL PATH for conflict resolution with an organization emphasizes primary reliance upon individual initiative followed by negotiation, mediation, with turning to higher authority as a last resort.}

^{Right path INTERACTIONS build self-esteem, relationship satisfaction, effective working relationships, and maximize individual growth within the relationship. LONG-TERM CONSEQUENCES include emotional well-being for all concerned. Couple relationships are enduring and deeply satisfying. Parents raise healthy children who become healthy parents. Organizations with a healthy approach to conflict have happier workers with greater profitability and productivity.}

What’s the next step?

It's a matter of priorities. If you agree with us that there's not much in life more important than relationships, match that priority with a commitment of time. Take the time to learn and practice. Accept that this is not a one shot deal, or something you will eventually finish. It’s a work in, an ongoing process where there's always room for improvement. Don't be frustrated; Effort expended in learning and practicing relationship skills will continue to pay big dividends lifelong. Create and live the vision of being the architect of the relationships you desire. Commit to life-long learning and enjoy the journey.

Tips for Improvement: The Shortlist

• Carefully read and follow the “Matt story,” found in this chapter. The example of Matt “Habitualizing” is a complete blueprint for developing strong basic foundational relationship skills. This is a process for making good relationship choices into powerful sustainable habits. You will literally be rewiring your brain and consequently, your brain will be freed up to do the “heavy lifting” of dealing with more complex relationship problems. A short version of the Habitualizing process can be found in Appendix I. If you are interested in becoming truly masterful in making basic foundational skills into powerful habits, this material will give you everything you need. You will find two forms, each one allowing for 31 days of recording. The first form is for scoring yourself test on a daily basis. The second form is for plotting your results on a profile. It should not only be motivational for you to see daily progress, but you will also be able to quickly identify what you could’ve done differently on any given day.
• Take the Intentional Relating Skills Self-Assessment (IRSSA) found in the website. This assessment provides you with an in-depth skills inventory, helping you see at a glance your abilities and deficiencies in Intentional Relating.
• Cultivate mindful awareness by revisiting disappointing interactions and viewing those situations as learning experiences. Instead of getting stuck up your “ladder of inference” and playing the blame game, try figuring out what you might have done differently.
• Practice breath awareness and breath retraining, following the guidelines in Choice 1 of the Mindful Choices material.
• Never, ever try to resolve a conflict while you are in fight-or-flight mode. You will simply make a mess of things. Get yourself first to a place where you are willing to follow the guidelines presented in these pages.
• Consider Mindful Journaling (described under Choice 9). Journaling tips specific to this chapter will follow this section.
• You will find an abundance of material relevant to becoming more masterful in Intentional Relating in Choices 2, 4, 5, 6, and 10 of the Mindful Choices material. Conversely, mastery of the concepts of this chapter will result in progress in those other choice areas.
• Re-take the short Intentional Relating test from this chapter, as part of the overall Mindful Choices monthly assessment. Focus on steadily improving your score to the “Good,” or “Optimal” levels. If you are working specifically on this choice area, take this short assessment on a daily basis.

Mindful Choice 7 Personal Development Worksheet

Step 1: Identify a foundational value, or values. In other words, why is this Mindful Choice important to me? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Step 2: How would I describe my present Mindful Choice 7 performance?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Step 3: In regard to Intentional Relating, what is the behavior I want to change?

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Step 4: What is my personal vision for Mindful Choice 7? Imagining some point in the future. What Do I see myself doing in regard to Mindful Choice 7?

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Step 5: What do I hope to get from Mindful Choice 7:

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Step 6: To pursue Mindful Choice 7 to the point that I much more conscious and intentional in my relationships, how will I have to be in ways that might constitute a major stretch for me? Do I need a new way of being that would constitute a paradigm shift? Are there radically different ways of being (thinking, feeling, acting) that contribute to doing Mindful Choice 7 and getting what I want to get?

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Step 7: In regard to Mindful Choice 7, How will I have to act on a daily or ongoing basis so that I wind up doing what I want to do, and getting what I want to get, and being the way I want to be? How do I have to discipline myself to have consistent, routine, and well-practiced daily or ongoing actions that steadily contribute to the results I really want and value in my life?

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Step 8: What are the barriers such as negative self-talk or lack of time that might prevent me from reaching my Mindful Choice 7 goals?

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Step 9: Who will be helpful or supportive in my Mindful Choice 7 change efforts?

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Step 10: How will I be rewarded while I am accomplishing the changes I desire?

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Step 11: how important is this to me on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being extremely important? How might I sabotage the plan, or allow others to sabotage the plan?

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Step 12: I am committing to the following SMART goal (Specific as to actions I will take, Meaningful and in alignment with my values, Adaptive in that I strongly believe my life will be improved, Realistic and achievable, and Time-framed with specific time dedicated).

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“HABITUALIZING”

Building Foundational Skills for Intentional Relating

It’s all about choices, great choices versus bad habits. The essence of being great in your relationship is intentionally and consciously practicing foundational skills until they become powerful foundational relationship habits.

Let’s use an analogy you can probably relate to. For any job, you must demonstrate entry-level competence before you’re turned loose to operate on your own. This is a useful way to think of why you need to establish basic skill competencies before you can perform well in a relationship (perhaps your most important job). If you are to be effective and successful relationally, you need to first be competent in recognizing when you are in fight, flight or freeze mode, and able to hit the reset button. Being uptight and defensive needs to quickly give way to being relaxed and open. Secondly, practice makes this shift rapid, consistent, and routine. Imagine it being automatic and habitual to be sensitive, empathic, calm, and connected. Having this “entry-level” skill-set doesn’t ensure success in the relationship, but it’s certain you’ll have little success otherwise. These “foundational skills” simply free your brain’s energy to deal with the “heavy lifting” of more complex issues. No longer does your brain have to expend enormous energy struggling with basic decisions. Instead, positive responses become habitual, requiring little thought or energy. Being competent in foundational skills, if practiced, will feel easy and natural.

Best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only 5 – 10 minutes a day and requires very little willpower. Developing “foundational” skills with minimal effort frees your brain up for the challenges of more complex relationship issues.

Two forms follow. Both forms are downloadable at the website. The first form, your Intentional Relating Scoring Form, gives you the opportunity to record your scores for assessment items a – j each day for an entire month.

The second form, your Intentional Relating Profile, allows you to record each daily score for an entire month, resulting in a profile showing strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and challenges. Be honest and assess yourself each morning looking back on the last 24 hours.

Journaling

Always begin journaling by calming and centering yourself. We strongly suggest utilizing the Three Deep Breaths Thomas Crum writes about. If you haven’t already done so, we also suggest you focus specifically on Breath Awareness and Retraining for at least 30 consecutive days, and do your breathing practice concurrent with journaling.

Here’s a suggestion for getting started journaling about Mindful Choice 7. Take 15 minutes and write on the theme of “My Relationships. Just get into free association, writing down whatever comes to mind. Try to keep writing for the entire 15 minutes. Don’t worry about editing, spelling, grammar, or sentence structure. Don’t judge what you have written. This is for you alone. Tomorrow, pick up the theme and continue writing for another 15 minutes. Continue this process for at least the next 10 days, then review for insights that are helpful to you in turning away from negative self-talk and beliefs.

What’s the pay off? You’ll find yourself becoming more aware and paying more attention to your relationships throughout your day. Increasingly, you will find yourself tuning in, aware of whether your responses to others are conscious and intentional, or mindless. You’ll start paying attention to the your self-talk about relationships, choosing to slow down and soften what you are telling yourself. You will notice whether your self- talk about protecting, defending, or avoiding, or is it more compassionate, and empathic. Most importantly, you’ll discover that you can actually choose to embrace more positive and useful thoughts about others and about the relationship.

Now here’s a suggestion for making your journaling about relationships especially powerful. Each evening, write down three things that went well for you in your relationship today. Next, write about why they went well. Next, write about why they are important to you, thus connecting to your values. Finally, write about how you can have more of these things in your life. Try it for a month. We can almost guarantee you that this exercise alone will make a huge difference.

Further Reading

Bohm, D. (2004). On Dialogue. Abingdon-on-Thames, UK: Routledge.

Covey, S. (2013). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons and Personal Change. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Crum, T. 2009. Three Deep Breaths. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koeler Publishers Inc.

Dyer, W. (2005). The Power of Intention. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House.

Goleman, D. (2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam books New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Oettingen, G. (2015). Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation. Penguin Publishing Group. New York, NY: Penguin Publishing Group.

Gable, S., Gonzaga, G. &Strachman, A. (2006). Will You Be There for Me When Things Go Right? Supportive Responses to Positive Event Disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 91(5), Nov 2006, 904-917.

Gottman, J. (2002). The Relationship Cure: A Five Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York, NY: Harmony.

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.

Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the Love You Want. New York, New York: Henry Holt and Company.

Rogers, R. (1985). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. New York, NY: Mariner Books.

Ryff, C. & Singer, B. (2001). Emotion, Social Relationships, and Health. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.