Chapter 3

                                                   Awaken Your Compassionate Mind

“Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.”                      ― Plato

“A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.”                                                                                          ― Albert Einstein

“If you want others to be happy, practice compassion. If you want to be happy, practice compassion.”                                                                                                                                                                          ― Dalai Lama XIV, The Art of Happiness

What are your thoughts about the above quote from the Dalai Lama? Does practicing compassion contribute to your own happiness?

The word compassion comes from Latin and means "to suffer together." It's actually a kind of empathy that includes not only having the capacity to understand or feel what another person is experiencing within their own frame of reference, but going a step further and having a wish to help. Altruism is going further still and can be defined as compassion in action.

So, is compassion a way for you to be happy as the Dalai Lama claims? Science clearly backs up his claim. Brain imaging and modern neuroscience show that the pleasure centers of our brains light up when we're giving as much as we are receiving. Compassion, either toward yourself or toward others, leads to greater well-being. The good news is that compassion is a quality you can develop along with other mindfulness practices.

Let's again take a look at neurobiology rooted in evolution. According to Paul Gilbert, author of Mindful Compassion, we have three motivational systems or emotion regulation systems. All serve to help us survive and all interact with one another.

The threat system helps us detect threats, and seek protection and safety. Based in the amygdala, two almond shaped organs within the limbic system, the threat system activates the fight, flight, freeze or appease responses, and is accompanied by emotions such as anger, anxiety, and sometimes disgust. Associated hormones are adrenaline and cortisol.

The drive system is about seeking pleasure or achieving a goal. When this system is activated we're motivated and focused to find resources to get something we want. This system comes with feelings such as interest and excitement. It also involves the release of dopamine, sometimes referred to as the "feel-good hormone."

The third system is the soothing system or "tend and befriend " system and it's about affiliation and connection. It's associated with feelings of safety, contentment, happiness, soothing, and well-being. An associated hormone is oxytocin which plays a huge role in social bonding, sexuality, and parenting.

It's this third system that is the source of compassion, but there is a problem. Compassion can easily be overridden by the threat system, and sometimes by the drive system. Your partner can sometimes seem like your enemy, and sometimes your work or other things can cause you to neglect your most important relationship. Consider the case of Emma and Frank:

Frank and Emma sat in Robin's office reflecting on the last three months. It had been difficult, often painful, but also transformational. Emma recounted how unsafe and distressed she had felt when she made the call for the first couple’s counseling session:

"I didn't know if Frank and I were going to make it. Our fights were getting worse. I didn't think Frank loved me anymore. I thought his work was more important to him than our marriage."

Frank shared similar thoughts: "Yeah, it was a scary time. I was convinced there was nothing I could do to please her. I was sure she wanted out of the marriage. I was depressed all the time and my anxiety was through the roof. Looking back on it now, I can see we were both operating out of fear. At the time however, all we were doing was blaming each other and protecting ourselves. I can see it now, but at the time I was sure Emma had changed and was never going to give me what I needed."

Robin entered the conversation: "I remember. At the time it seemed so uncertain as to how this would turn out. You were both feeling extreme emotional pain. So, what changed?

Emma and Frank looked at each other. Frank was the first to respond: "The whole concept of mindfulness was an eye-opener. I learned self-calming skills and I learned to observe my own self-talk. I discovered I didn't have to let a thought control me just because it popped into my head. I didn't have to let that thought trigger strong emotions that caused me to respond out of a need to protect myself. I discovered that I could calm down, slow down, give up control, give up the need to be right, give up the need to protect myself, give up the need to be defensive, and instead open-up to Emma and simply try to understand her with empathy and compassion. Over time, with practice, I've been getting better at catching myself early on and reacting in a more positive way."

Emma spoke up: "Yes! I agree with all of that, especially the part about compassion. When Frank is angry or difficult, I've learned to look beyond that, not be so quick to personalize it, but instead see his frustration and pain. I've learned to connect with my wish to understand him at a deeper level, to see his deeper needs, and to want him to feel understood, respected and valued. The daily and monthly assessments have really helped me become more aware and focused on what's most helpful to our relationship. I particularly liked the H42 (Habitualizing for Two) practice. I'm growing and I can't believe how different I feel than three months ago."

"That's great," said Robin, "let's take a look at a meditation practice that can help us keep moving forward"

As we’ve previously stated, compassion is a product of the soothing or tend-and-befriend system and literally means "to suffer with." It's a type of empathy but with the added dimension of a spontaneous wish to help others lessen their suffering.

Compassion differs from other feelings such as sympathy, pity, or love. Sympathy is usually based upon your experience of having been in a similar situation, and does not necessarily contain a wish to help. Pity may involve feeling somehow superior and from a distance. Love is complicated and may involve clinginess, desperation, longing, or possession, conditions not normally associated with compassion.

Altruism is really compassion in action. It's doing something to lessen the suffering of others.

You can start with self-compassion, which differs from self-esteem in that it doesn't involve comparison with others, or having to be above average. Self-compassion is simply recognizing that you are one with all humanity. We are all imperfect. You can choose to be kind to yourself anyway and develop the mindfulness skills to recognize when you're being harsh toward yourself and when you're being kind, consistently choosing to be kind.

Self-compassion is a much more useful concept than self-esteem. Self-esteem is fragile. When things go wrong, self-esteem starts to crumble and you tend to experience self-criticism, self-isolation, and self-absorption – all characteristics of your threat response system.

You might think of self-criticism as the fight response directed toward self. Self-isolation relates to the flight response, and self-absorption is part of the freeze response where you are stuck in your thinking and feeling responses.

There is a natural relationship between mindfulness practice and compassion, and much of mindfulness practice is about developing compassion for self and others. Practicing self-compassion, being more aware and open to our own suffering opens the door to the realization that everyone suffers. It becomes easier to see our interconnectedness as in the Beatles lyrics: "I am he, as you are he, as you are me, and we are all together."

In mindfulness practices, the skill of acceptance is central, and the practice of acceptance, essential for relationships, is found in ancient meditations. Think of unconditional acceptance of self and others as the bridge to behaving with compassion. This does not mean that everything you do, or your partner does, is okay. It simply means that you do not judge the person as a human being, either yourself or others. This way of thinking is basic to ancient meditation practices.

The "loving-kindness meditation, also known as metta meditation in the pali (the Middle Indo- Aryan language spoken by the Buddha) involves visualization and involves traditional phrases such as: "May you be happy. May you be peaceful. May you be free from suffering." You can also direct some of this lovingkindness toward yourself with phrases such as: "May I be happy. May I be peaceful. May I be free from suffering."

It's important to note that an expression of" May you be happy" is not meant to invoke some reaction from any external being or power. The idea is to cultivate feelings of loving kindness and compassion within your own heart.

We strongly encourage our clients and readers to develop a meditation practice and to regularly experience meditations such as the loving-kindness meditation. Resources can be found at the end of this chapter. Meditations may be found on our website: www.mindfulchoicestherapy.com.

We're going to look at another Buddhist practice with the specific purpose of developing compassion for others. This is the practice of tonglen from the Tibetan Buddhist tradition. Tonglen, which means "giving and taking, is generally thought to come from a Buddhist teacher named Atisha in the 11th century. It's a meditation that involves breathing in the pain of others and exhaling kindness and healing. We see it is a very useful practice in working with couples as it works directly against the natural tendency to protect yourself from emotional pain. In the following section you will see how we utilize the tonglen practice, along with other meditative practices, in our work with couples.

Bill and Robin's Formula for Transforming Anger and Conflict into Compassion and Equanimity

You probably hate fighting with your partner. Probably your partner feels the same way. Probably neither one of you planned the argument, but arguments keep happening anyway. What if there was a way to drastically reduce disagreements while preserving and strengthening your relationship?

What are your thoughts about the title of this section? Do you think such a transformation is possible? Furthermore, do you think you could learn to make this transformation routine, even habitual? Could you make this shift rapidly, instead of taking days to cool down, with angry feelings and resentments still lurking beneath the surface?

Well, while you won't do it perfectly, you can get better and better at making such a shift— and making it again and again. Just as is the case with your piano or your car, fine tuning will always be necessary. It's an ongoing lifelong process rather than something you accomplish by the end of this chapter. However, with practice you can become truly masterful with time, patience, and perseverance.

Think in terms of continuous improvement – the Japanese term, well known to business people,  is "kaizen" which means continuous improvement. Like emotional intelligence (Chapter 5), you can always find it's possible to make more progress. In fact, you are a work in progress, never perfect, always getting better.

It takes practice and a plan for systematic and continuous improvement. We're going to introduce you to such a plan. It’s our method for transforming anger and conflict into compassion and equanimity using our formula MA+I+SC+REBT+CF+REI+P= C and E.

Okay, let's unpack that one for you.

MA stands for mindful awareness and developing the ability to be fully present this moment, aware of destructive urges tugging at you but also aware of constructive opportunities. Being mindfully aware means having full knowledge and objectivity about how you affect the relationship. Sometimes your actions help to strengthen and develop the relationship. Sometimes your actions have no effect whatsoever on the quality of the relationship. Sometimes your actions actually damage the relationship. You are human. No one is perfect. However, it's vital that you understand and accept your role in relationship issues. The daily and monthly self-monitoring assessments throughout this book serve to create that mindful awareness.

Viktor Frankl, author of Man's Search for Meaning, said:

"Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom."

We like to believe we freely choose our behaviors. In actuality, we're largely on autopilot, reacting our way through life in a preprogrammed manner, often living out our learned scripts, behaving in a stereotyped way based upon previous experience.

Pausing between stimulus and response, between what our partner says or does, and your usual reaction, is where your freedom lies. With practice you will get better and better at slowing yourself down, pausing between stimulus and response, and choosing a response that benefits both you and your partner, while also preserving and strengthening your relationship. Mindful awareness is something you cultivate and practice. Mindful awareness combined with great choices will make you awesome as a relationship partner.

Drawing from the work of Dan Wile, developer of Collaborative Couple Therapy, mindful awareness allows you to realize, in the moment, whether you are about to enter an adversarial cycle, a withdrawn cycle, or an empathic cycle. Not only will you be able to catch yourself on the verge of automatically being caught up in one of the first two destructive cycles, but you will be able to instead respond with mindful choices rather than being on autopilot.

SC refers to self-calming skill and involves mindful awareness of your physiological state, catching yourself being "uptight," and using that awareness as a cue to move your center from your upper torso to your abdomen. Breathing from your upper chest, and breathing more rapidly when you are feeling stressed or angry, can activate your sympathetic nervous system and the fight, flight, or freeze response. Breathing diaphragmatically or "belly breathing" is associated with activation of your self-soothing and calming parasympathetic system. Shifting from an inner dialogue of fight talk or fear talk to self-soothing "tend and befriend" self-talk such as "let it be, let go of defending, open up and connect," or "slow down, listen and understand," completes the process of self-calming. The development of self-calming skill is discussed in more detail throughout Part II.

I  stands for proactive, relationship enhancing, clear and strong intention. It’s having the determination to be FOR the relationship, and being FOR the relationship is non-negotiable and not contingent upon what’s happening in the moment. It’s having the resolve and commitment to build your relationship through active and constructive responding (discussed in Chapter 19).

What’s really, really, really important? Do you know what you really want? Do you want to be right? Do you want to win? Do you want to avoid discomfort or emotional pain? Do you want to protect yourself? These may seem like natural goals, but something else may be more helpful and more consistent with your basic needs and values.

If you’re really clear on your intention, the most important goal is to show up in the relationship as the best possible version of yourself, with the intent to be actively involved in building a strong, secure, and deeply satisfying relationship.

Most importantly, begin with the intention to understand your partner, not to be right, win, or defend yourself. Approach your partner with curiosity and openness. Don't tell yourself you have to have agreement. It's more important to understand your partner and communicate that understanding. His or her feelings are not the problem, but simply conveying information about their fundamental needs. Get out of the blame game and try to re-envision your partner not as someone who is determined to make your life miserable, but as someone with frustrated needs . Your job is to be compassionate and pursue understanding.

We believe love is a verb. Love is consistently choosing loving actions based upon an unwavering and clear commitment. to your relationship. It means transcending a fixation on self-protection and choosing instead to love and act lovingly. (This also means disagreeing agreeably.)

REBT stands for Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy, one of the primary therapeutic modalities we utilize for bringing about powerful positive changes. REBT Is a process for becoming mindfully aware of your self-talk and beliefs. You'll discover that feelings like anger, rage, disappointment, resentment, and even despair flow from what you are telling yourself about the situation and your partner. All of us humans deny, distort, and falsify reality – yes, all of us! We are human and that's what humans do. The important thing here is to be aware of how you create strong negative emotions.

Yes, to a very large extent, you create your difficult feelings with your thoughts and beliefs. The good news is that these thoughts and beliefs are learned and anything that you have learned, you can change. You can learn to give yourself a different message. Your mind is not always your friend and just because you have a thought doesn't mean that thought has to be obeyed. You can learn to notice the thought (create a space between stimulus and response) and then decide whether the thought is useful or helpful. You have the power to choose to move on in the direction of your values and what is best for you and your relationship. You can be conscious and intentional rather than mindlessly operating from autopilot reactivity.

REBT is a powerful tool for becoming mindfully aware of how you disturb yourself, leading to actions that negatively impact your relationship. Once again, you can't change anything you're not aware of and REBT will give you the awareness you need along with the opportunity to make powerful changes. REBT, along with the follow-up practices of ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy), is discussed in more detail throughout Part II.

CF refers to Compassion Focused. When you're upset with your partner, you may find yourself instantly defaulting to protection mode, where your principal motivation is to avoid pain and discomfort. It's automatic and habitual. It's also totally understandable given that your threat system readily overwhelms your soothing system. It seems totally natural and yet, as we have discussed, a secure emotional attachment with mutual caring is vital to your relationship. So, how do you keep from habitually getting in your own way, reacting angrily and defensively, rather than skillfully defusing and connecting?

Paul Gilbert, author of The Compassionate Mind: a New Approach to Life's Challenges, bases his thinking about compassion on an evolutionary neuroscience approach. According to Gilbert:

"In my approach, our capacity for compassion evolved out of the capacity for altruism and caring behavior. Compassion can be defined as behavior that aims to nurture, look after, teach, guide, mentor, soothe, protect, offer feelings of acceptance and belonging – in order to benefit another person."

Gilbert talks about purposefully developing both self-compassion and compassion for others as a process of balancing the brain systems we discussed early in this chapter. In Gilbert's terms it’s: "a kind of physiotherapy of the mind "

You can train yourself to break the habit of automatically becoming defensive and reactive, instead having caring sensitivity to your partner’s distress. Imagine re-envisioning your partner not as someone who is purposefully tormenting you, but as someone you deeply care about who has unmet needs and distress of his or her own. What's needed is empathy, compassion, and understanding, rather than reactivity and defensiveness. This is very hard to do for most people and may seem quite unnatural. However, with ongoing practice it can become second nature.

Compassion for your partner is an essential quality for having a successful and deeply satisfying relationship. In developing compassion, we draw upon knowledge and research from the field of Compassion Focused Therapy along with ancient meditation practices such as Loving Kindness Meditation.

We favor one particular compassion meditation: Tonglen, an ancient Buddhist practice for awakening the compassionate mind. At the end of this chapter you will find a script for Tonglen practice. You can record the script for regular practice, or you can download our recorded Tonglen practice on our website at www.mindfulchoicestherapy.com.

REI. Here is a powerful compassion training practice that is derived from Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy. Rational Emotive Imagery (REI) is a way to re-image your partner, not as your enemy but as the person with whom you want to share a deep, safe, committed emotional connection.

If you're like most people, when you're angry with your partner you are telling yourself stories about how unreasonable they are being. You may find yourself being upset with them for not understanding your point of view. You may think you are not appreciated or that they are being absolutely unfair to you. The image you have of them may be of someone you'd rather not be around. When we talk about re-imaging your partner, we’re talking about being able to see beyond their anger or criticism to their frustration and pain. Re-imaging means seeing your partner with fresh eyes, compassionate intention, and a compassionate mindset.

Compassion focused Rational Emotive Imagery is a way of redirecting your emotions without having to wait for the original painful situation to recur. It's practicing compassion in your imagination and taking advantage of your brain's difficulty distinguishing something strongly imagined from a real event.

It will help to have gone through the formal A-B-C-D process of Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy described earlier. Suppose that in that process you identified a particular situation in which you felt angry or irritated with your partner. You started at C listing the emotions you were feeling such as anger or fear. You then briefly identified the specific situation at A followed by identifying all the things you told yourself about the situation at B. At D you became aware that some of your self-talk was not well supported by the evidence and that there were alternative beliefs that made more sense. Hopefully you completed the process with the realization that you are not the innocent victim, that both of you had a role in the conflict, and that both of you are coming from frustrated needs with neither of you understanding the fundamental needs of his or her partner. Instead you were probably reacting emotionally rather than responding with empathy and understanding. Perhaps you were both caught up in the blame game. (Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy is described in detail elsewhere in the book).

To do REI, pick a time when you are relatively calm and can spend 5 – 20 minutes uninterrupted and with no distractions. Begin with deep, slow, regular diaphragmatic breathing (belly breathing).

Imagine a specific situation in which you felt frustrated, angry, threatened, attacked, or unloving. Try to get in touch with all the feelings from that situation.

The feelings may have changed since working through the A-B-C-D Rational Emotive Behavior Therapy process. That's okay. Try to get in touch with the original feelings and also any feelings you still have about the situation.

Now get in touch with all the things you told yourself about the situation that led to those feelings. Again, your self-talk may have changed, but try anyway to get in touch with the original self-talk.

How has your self-talk changed? What have you learned? How are you seeing things differently? If you're still feeling some negative feelings, is there an alternative way of looking at the situation? What do you suppose was going on within your partner? What were his or her fundamental needs? What are those needs now?

Get in touch with what you really want from the relationship. Do you want to get out of the blame game? Do you want a secure emotional connection?

Can you imagine having feelings like anxiety, anger, or fear but not letting those emotions take over? Can you get in touch with your compassionate intention? Can you imagine seeing your partner's feelings as not the problem but as simply useful information?

Envision your partner as just like you in many ways, someone with hopes and dreams, disappointments and fears, and someone who, like all of us, loves imperfectly. See your partner acting out of frustrated needs. Get in touch with your partner's deeper, most fundamental needs, and imagine being committed to help your partner meet those needs. Imagine being compassionate. See yourself acting with compassionate intention. See your behavior as consistently caring.

Get in touch with your need and desire to connect. Experience your compassionate goals. Resolve to show up in the relationship with compassion for yourself and your partner. Imagine your partner as someone who, like yourself, has been wounded. Choose compassion. Choose to commit to helping your partner heal old wounds. Choose to love.

Finally, P refers to practice. The only way to weaken negative habits and strengthen positive habits, or develop new habits altogether is practice, practice, and more practice. With practice you're actually rewiring your brain. With practice you’re awakening your compassionate mind, not just being compassionate when you think of it.

Practice is what sets our work apart from many self-help programs and much of couple’s therapy. Not much will change simply by learning new material, whether it's from a self-help book, an online marriage program, or sitting down with your therapist, unless there is intensive and regular practice that continues until strong positive habits have been developed. Even then, old habits die hard and tend to resurface. The practice therefore needs to be brought back and continued as needed.

Regular compassion practice with both REBT and REI will produce profound changes in your conscious awareness of your self-talk and beliefs. This mindful awareness is the key to awakening your compassionate mind. Once again, the results you want require practice.

Practicing the entire sequence (MA+I+REBT+CF+REI+P) until it becomes habitual completes the transformation to C and E, Compassion and Equanimity.

We have previously defined compassion, a subject we will be referring to throughout the book. E is for Equanimity, the state of psychological stability and composure which doesn't get disturbed by experiencing strong emotions (either your own or your partner's), or anything else that may cause you to lose your emotional balance. Equanimity is a skill to be cultivated and this book is largely about systematically cultivating that skill in regard to your relationship.

Relationships are the source of the greatest happiness in your life, the greatest misery, or both. Yet becoming masterful in your ability to build strong, positive relationships is entirely within your grasp. This book shows you how. First, let's look at a typical couple in need of a transformation from anger and conflict to compassion and equanimity.

Rick and Ellen arrived early for their weekly marriage counseling session. Sitting in the lobby, Rick thought: Things are going well, I don’t know why we need to be here this week. Breaking the silence and engaging in small talk, Rick said to Ellen: “I’m really impressed by Rick Jr. Did you see how he handled himself in that last game? Three goals! He’s got to be their best player. What do you think?”

Ellen replied, “Yeah, he’s terrific, and he’s got your competitive spirit. There’s simply no stopping him once he gets going. It was a lot of fun to watch.”

So far so good, Rick thought. We’re actually having a pleasant conversation. It’s going to be a good day. I still don’t know why we’re here.

Ellen shifted in her seat and leaned forward. Her smile faded. This might lead to another argument, but she’d been holding back, and it needed to be said. “Ricky is doing well. He’s a great athlete, and he’s getting good grades. He’s a good kid all around, but it’s no fault of yours. You’re always too busy. Ricky wants more of you, but he never sees you these days. It’s all on me, and I can’t be both mother and father.”

Caught off guard, Rick felt a surge of anxiety and irritation. At a deeper level, fear, self-doubt, guilt, and feelings of inadequacy were exposed.

Rick felt his muscles tighten as anger welled up. Anticipating what was to follow but nevertheless feeling compelled to react, Rick said, “Here we go again. You know how hard I work, and it’s all for you and Ricky. You know I want to spend more time with family, but it simply isn’t possible right now. This is a critical phase of my career, and what I’m doing is vital to our future. You need to cut me some slack.”

Now Ellen couldn’t hold back any longer. “Cut you some slack? You’ve got to be kidding. All I do is cut you some slack. It’s time you stepped up to the plate and took care of your responsibilities at home. I hate covering for you all the time, and you don’t know how much it bothers Ricky. Also…”

Ellen’s voice trailed off as the lobby door opened and their therapist appeared in the doorway. Noticing the unhappy faces and feeling the obvious tension, the therapist said: “I can see there’s a problem. It’s good you’re here. Come on in.”

Ellen and Rick sat on opposite ends of the sofa, arms crossed, both obviously uncomfortable. Their therapist, looking from one to the other, asked “What’s going on?”

“He just doesn’t listen to me,” replied Ellen. “It seems we fight all the time, and it’s getting worse.” Rick jumped in. “I don’t feel listened to either. She just doesn’t understand me, and I certainly don’t feel appreciated. It seems we can’t talk about anything without it leading to a fight, and I’m sick of it!”

Both seemed unhappy and agitated, and the therapist asked, “How often is it like this?” Rick and Ellen replied simultaneously. “More often than not,” replied Ellen. Rick added: “It’s getting so I hate to come home.”

Increasingly upset, Rick and Ellen continued on, often interrupting or talking over each other. There were complaints and counter-complaints on each side as they launched into blaming, attacking, defending, accusing—appearing increasingly frustrated with each other and becoming visibly angrier. Both felt caught up in a struggle that neither wanted, each throwing up defensive barriers that only increased their sense of mistrust and isolation.

It was obviously going nowhere other than broader and more intense conflict. The therapist held up her hand and called a halt. “Hold it! If you’re both talking, who is listening? Is either of you enjoying this spat? Does either of you want this conflict?” Both Rick and Ellen immediately denied that the conflict was of their choosing. Rick said, “I hate it! I dread being together when it’s like this.” Ellen added: “There’s no fun anymore in being a couple. I want it back the way it was.”

Their therapist asked, “On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the best it’s ever been, how satisfying is this relationship right now?” “It’s about a two,” replied Rick. “I’d give it no more than a three or four,” added Ellen. The therapist then asked, “Where would you like it to be?” Ellen quickly replied: “I want a ten of course, and we used to be there.” Rick added, “I agree, I want a ten. I just don’t know how we got so far off course.”

“This is great,” said the therapist. “Look at all the agreement we have. You’re both dissatisfied with the way things are right now, and you both agree that you want a lot more. Let’s talk about bad habits that get in the way and new choices that will help us move forward.

“It’s all about choices, great choices versus bad habits. The essence of being masterful in your relationship is intentionally and consciously practicing foundational skills until they become powerful foundational relationship habits. While we're at it, let's review Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy and I'll introduce you to the meditation practice of "tonglen" for awakening compassion.”

We've previously talked a lot about mindfulness and mindful awareness. Mindfulness is the discipline of being calm, focused, and nonjudgmental ",in the now," in the present moment. Mindful awareness allows you to clearly see choices and opportunities. You can't change anything you're not aware of, but once aware you can choose. In the case of couple conflict, you can choose to handle the conflict better, and you can choose to embrace the clear intention of becoming masterful in how you handle conflict.

 We've also talked about Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy or REBT, but here we will briefly review utilizing the example of Rick and Ellen.

Rick: "I remember us working with Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy previously but I think I need a refresher. I remember A.B.C.D.E., but I need some coaching on how to apply it to the present argument."

Their therapist nodded affirmatively and replied: "Initially, you'll be using this technique retrospectively, after a fight or argument. You will use it to reconstruct what happened from your perspective. Later, after you've had some practice, you'll be able to use techniques from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, catching yourself with negative thoughts and turning away from previously destructive habits before they happen."

“All you have to remember to use REBT are the letters A, B, C, D. What could be simpler? On a piece of paper, vertically list these letters in the left margin covering the length of the page and leaving extra space at B and D.”

“Start with C, which stands for the “emotional consequences” of something happening, or “feelings” for short. Following an unpleasant event such as an argument, list all the emotions and negative reactions you are aware of at C. Push yourself to get a complete list of emotions you’re noticing.”

"Here's a question for both of you,” said the therapist — “What emotions were you feeling just now, when you were arguing?" Ellen answered first: "I was feeling anger, frustration, fear, and a bit of hopelessness." Rick responded: "Yeah, I was feeling the same feelings. Plus, I was feeling really confused, I guess you could say disoriented."

“Okay, said the therapist. “Following listing all the feelings you are aware of, go back to A, which stands for ‘adversity, activating event” or antecedent event (it works all three ways). A is the situation you are responding to. Write only a phrase or short sentence to describe what has triggered strong emotions. Ask yourself if this situation automatically leads to the heavy feelings you have listed at C. Ask yourself if other people would respond in exactly the same way, with exactly the same feelings. The answer is most likely no. They might have similar strong feelings, but those feelings will not be exactly the same as yours. Clearly, you are doing something else that is unique to you in producing the feelings you experience. The “something else” can be found at B, which stands for your “beliefs,” or self-talk”.

Ellen responded first: "the situation for me started out as my frustration with Rick not stepping up to the plate to be a dad, but it quickly evolved into the fact that these talks don't go anywhere except to get each of us really upset. Matt spoke up: "I agree, the situation as I see it is we have too many of these pointless, go nowhere, arguments”

Continuing, their therapist said: "It looks like you both agree on the situation. You have fights that don't get resolved. They just get recycled. Let's take a look at B."

“At B, list all the things you are telling yourself in response to A, in turn producing the feelings at C. Push yourself to uncover disturbing thoughts that match the strong feelings you have listed. For example, if one of your feelings was hopelessness, you must be telling yourself something quite disturbing, such as “We will never get any better. Our situation is truly hopeless.”

Possibly the greatest problem people encounter in doing REBT is not going far enough in uncovering inaccurate, irrational, and disturbing thoughts at B. Push to go as far as you can. Look at each statement and ask yourself, “Okay, if I believe that, I must also be telling myself...” In other words, keep going deeper. Continue until you have uncovered your most extreme negative thoughts. Don’t shortchange yourself on this step. Don’t cut corners. Don’t try to do it all in your head—at least not until you have had a lot of practice with this technique. The extra work will pay off with major dividends in changing your self-talk.”

“What was happening for each of you at B?”

Rick and Ellen looked at each other. Rick thought: I can't believe it, she's actually smiling. Ellen was in fact smiling with the realization that she had been upsetting herself with things she had been telling herself. Ellen said: "I was telling myself all kinds of things which I now realize are just my own stories. I was thinking in absolutes and telling myself that Rick was never there for me and that Rick didn't want to be a good parent. I was telling myself that Rick was selfish and wanted to put it all on me. I was telling myself that I couldn't talk to Rick, and that Rick really doesn't want to understand me. I was thinking that Rick just wants to fight and it doesn't matter what I think”.  Ellen paused: “Now that I hear myself saying it out loud, I can see that these are simply stories I’m telling myself."

Rick was impressed. Ellen was actually owning her own "stories." Taking a deep breath, Rick proceeded: "Well, I guess I'm telling myself that Ellen doesn't appreciate all the hard work that I do. I'm telling myself that she's actually expecting me to sacrifice income to be around more in the parenting. I’m telling myself that she doesn't have any empathy for me or any real understanding of how hard it is for me to find more time for the family. I've been telling myself that she doesn't want to hear my side of it, and that she's always unreasonable and demanding. However, like Ellen, I'm also seeing that these are stories I'm telling myself."

Their therapist was enjoying this calmer, less defensive, exchange. “Next, let’s go to D, which stands for “dispute.” For each of the thoughts you have uncovered, ask yourself, “How do I know this is true? What is my evidence? Looking at my own life or other people’s lives, is there evidence to the contrary? Is this thought or belief supported by what I know to be true? Is there an alternative view that would make more sense? Is there another way of looking at this situation that has real evidence to support it? Now that I hear myself saying it out loud, can I see that these are simply stories I’m telling myself."

What followed in this therapy session was a discussion of all the "ib's" or "irrational beliefs each partner found they were telling themselves at B. Each had been thinking in absolute terms such as "always" or "never." Problems were seen as 100% bad. Each of been habitually recycling old thoughts without looking at the evidence.

As they worked the process, Each was able to look at the situation more reasonably and tell themselves things (rb’s or rational beliefs) that were better supported by the evidence. Each was able to look at alternative views that made more sense. Instead of each thinking that the other was 100% unreasonable, they were able to see, and accept, that the other also had a valid viewpoint.

Next, the therapist moved on to a discussion of compassion practices, in particular, the ancient Buddhist practice of "Tonglen."

Compassion and the Practice of Tonglen

We've never known a couple with too much empathy, understanding, and compassion, but we’ve certainly known many couples for whom these qualities were in extremely short supply.

There are many approaches to developing compassion but one we particularly like is an ancient one, the Buddhist meditation practice of Tonglen.

Compassion is absolutely essential for a couple relationship to thrive and the Tonglen practice is our favorite for developing compassion.

Much of our learning about Tonglen comes from Pema Chodron, a Buddhist nun and prolific writer. She's written extensively on the Tonglen practice of "sending and taking," a meditation practice for awakening compassion by taking in others’ pain with each in- breath and sending them relief and compassion with each out-breath. The formal meditation practice of Tonglen as described by Chodron has four stages:

1.Focus on Bodhichitta (Awakened Heart-Mind)

According to Pema Chodron”

“Bodhichitta is also equated, in part, with compassion—our ability to feel the pain that we share with others. Without realizing it we continually shield ourselves from this pain because it scares us. We put up protective walls made of opinions, prejudices and strategies, barriers that are built on a deep fear of being hurt…But fortunately for us, the soft spot—our innate ability to love and to care about things—is like a crack in these walls we erect. It’s a natural opening in the barriers we create when we’re afraid. With practice we can learn to find this opening. We can learn to seize that vulnerable moment—love, gratitude, loneliness, embarrassment, inadequacy—to awaken bodhichitta”.  (From “The Places That Scare You: A Guide to Fearlessness in Difficult Times.” by Pema Chödrön).

If your partner is being difficult, if they are being harsh, if they seem to be unfair, if you're feeling attacked, realize that their anger stems from their pain. See if you can use this realization to foster the intention to speak mindfully and listen deeply, attentively, and not reactively. Accept the challenge to use your words to create healing in the relationship. The Tonglen practice is about breathing in the suffering of another person and breathing out healing.

2. Visualization.

Visualize your partner and do your best to imagine their pain. In this meditation practice you imagine as you breathe in that you are taking in their suffering and breathing out healing. In the Tonglen practice, awareness of the others’ suffering is inextricably connected to practicing compassion.

3. Connect to a Difficult Situation with Your Partner

Recall a difficult situation you found yourself in with your partner. Realize that the pain of that situation was shared by your partner. In fact, millions of couples experience similar situations and similar suffering. Breathe in the suffering of your partner and breathe out loving-kindness, compassion and healing. In your meditation, you are taking in your partner’s pain and suffering and transforming it into love and compassion.

4. Make Your Compassion Bigger.

Move beyond a focus on your partner to a wider focus. Focus on all who are suffering in the same situation. You can even focus on your enemies. Extend the circle of compassion to all who have similar experience. Breathe in their pain, and breathe out healing and relief.

Andrew Weiss, author of Beginning Mindfulness advocates both a formal practice, and an informal practice. In the formal practice, you're focusing on a difficult relationship and offering Tonglen healing for the suffering of the other person. You might try this with your relationship and see how the relationship changes over the course of a week. We think you will find the practice quite rewarding.

Andrew Weiss also recommends an informal practice of taking Tonglen breaks during the day. As Weiss advocates:

"Incorporate the intention of Tonglen into your mindful speech and deep listening. See what difference it makes to you and to the other person if you listen with attentiveness and with the intention to offer healing to that person just through your listening presence. Try speaking with honesty and with the awareness of how your words can help to create true healing in the situation you are in"

With patience and perseverance you will find you can transform anger and conflict into compassion and equanimity. The end result – greater happiness and well-being for you and your partner.

At the end of this chapter, you'll find a script for the Tonglen meditation we use with couples. We suggest you record the script and use it repeatedly in your meditation practice. You may modify it as you wish. There are also MP4 Tonglen recordings by each of us available on our website: www.mindfulchoicestherapy.com.

Choose a “Compassion Day.”

We challenge you to pick a day in which you will practice compassion for the entire day. Don't tell your partner what you're doing. Just put yourself to the test and see if you can go an entire day:

• Practicing mindful pauses and deep attentive listening with compassion
• Being more fully present, moment by moment
• Practicing attentive listening rather than reactive listening
• Letting go of defensiveness or avoidance
• Getting beyond your ego agenda of needing to be right, in control or special
• Letting go of getting what you want or getting approval
• Describing your feelings, not attacking with them

For your "Compassion Day," you will begin the day with your intention to use every interaction with your partner for practicing mindful relating. This means being consciously aware of the need to slow down and not act on habits, unsupported assumptions, or knee-jerk reactions.

In her excellent book, Relational Mindfulness: A Handbook for Deepening Our Connection with Ourselves, Each Other, and the Planet, Deborah Eden Tull states:

"Just by taking responsibility for what we bring to an interaction and choosing to step back from the agendas of separate self, we are in a position to experience a healing interaction that serves all involved, rather than just serving 'I'. We are in a position to relate from the consciousness of interconnection or the 'we' mentality rather than the 'I' mentality. We are bringing less ego to the situation, which in itself is a great service."

It's a magical shift. When you focus on "we" rather than "I" you move from an ego agenda to the freedom to connect fully with your partner. We're not saying it's all that easy. Like everything else in this book, it takes practice.

Also, we are not talking about abandoning your needs altogether. We don't want you to be co-dependent, where your partner's needs and feelings are more important than yours, and where you regularly give up yourself for your partner. Much of this book is about balance, dialogue, negotiation, and compromise. In our Compassion Day however, we are simply talking about taking a day to practice compassion so that it's a familiar and accessible component of your relationship when needed.

Let's check in on Matt as he moves through his "Compassion Day:"

Matt and Beverly were having a day alone together, a rare occurrence since becoming parents. Today however, Beverly's parents had come to the rescue and grandparents and grandkids were off to a theme park with the kids later spending the night. Beverly's parents were enjoying their retirement and loved having the kids for a day and a night. For Matt and Beverly, it was a golden opportunity to de-stress and reconnect.

Matt hadn't thought much of the idea of a “compassion day” when his therapist proposed it, but he thought he’d give it a try anyway. It couldn't really be that difficult and anyway, he was usually considerate. He had made a commitment and this day without the kids seemed a perfect opportunity.

The first challenge came at breakfast when Beverly started talking about yardwork. "The yard's a mess. I wonder what our neighbors think." Immediately, Matt felt a surge of anger. Was she really starting the day off like this? He worked hard just to support the family and the yard wasn't the top of his priorities. Anyway, today wasn't a day for yardwork. It was a day for connecting and having a good time together. What was she thinking?

Matt caught himself on the verge of an irritated, defensive response. It was at that moment that he recalled his therapist saying that there were just two things to focus on during his “Compassion Day.”

The first was simply to remember to be mindful and take a mindful pause before reacting. We've all been told to count to 10 when angry but this pause is more structured, and something to be practiced until it becomes routine. It involves a practiced awareness of the physiological cues of anger or impatience such as breathing becoming more shallow, rapid, and irregular. With practice this awareness can be the catalyst for a shift to diaphragmatic “belly” breathing, moving your center from your upper torso to your belly. This shift needs to coincide with softening your self-talk to a calmer, self-soothing inner dialogue, reminding yourself to slow down and tune into your partner; an empathic shift toward your partner rather than against them or away from them.

A mindful pause creates space between stimulus and response, between Beverly's comment and Matt's response. In that pause, Matt could choose to be defensive or to open- up and turn toward Beverly with empathy and compassion.

The second thing the therapist recommended? The other requirement for the "Compassion Day" was deep attentive listening, with compassion. This involves listening with full attention, without judgment, without defensiveness, and with a commitment to fully helping the other person feel listened to and understood. This kind of listening is only possible if you leave your ego agenda at the door and choose to be fully "with" your partner in the present moment, in the "here and now."

So, back to breakfast and the yardwork conversation.

Matt paused, slowed his breathing and tuned in. He began asking questions, not to further his agenda, but simply to understand Beverly's concern about the yardwork. What caused her to think about it? Why was it more important to her now? What needs were represented? What would it feel like to her to have the yard in better shape? What was her vision for an attractive yard? How could the two of them plan together for a great-looking yard?

The conversation went well. Beverly felt listened to and understood and the conversation at breakfast about yardwork actually set the tone for subsequent meaningful conversations throughout the day.

Fast-forward to Matt's next therapy session. His therapist asked: "Well, how did it go with your "Compassion Day?"

Matt responded: "Much better than I expected, and I learned a lot. I learned that things might go in an entirely different direction without the intention to be mindful and compassionate. Keeping compassion in my mind made all the difference. The day went extremely well for both of us and I gained a sense how this all works. I think I'll do it again — and we've also planned some yard work together for this coming weekend.”

We each have a natural tendency to have preconceived notions about the other person, and to tell ourselves stories. We are often preprogrammed to respond defensively or avoid. Matt was learning that he didn't have to be reactive, dismissive, or make snap judgments. He was learning that it was entirely within his power to slow down and look deeper. He didn't have to be on autopilot, automatically judging his partner, on a path to disconnection. He could instead practice the following five steps:

1. Begin with intention Start with a clear intention to pursue understanding rather than agreement or problem-solving. Let go of any predetermined agenda or the need to protect yourself or pursue the needs of your ego. Begin with the intention to be fully present with your partner.

2. Let go of all judgment or beliefs about how your partner should behave, or should treat you. Try to see your partner from his or her unique awareness of their world.

3 Envision your partner as a separate and unique human being, different from you in many ways and having his or her own history, disappointments, passions, fears, goals, needs, and beliefs. Like you, they also sometimes feel regret, guilt, and self-doubt.

4. Observe and listen to figure out your partner's deepest needs. It's likely that your partner's anger or irritation is an indication of frustrated needs. It is also likely that his or her deepest need is the same as yours – a need for love and connection.

5. Respond to their need, not your own need to fight back or avoid. Practice having an open and relaxed body posture, staying calm, acting friendly, smiling, telling him or her that you want to help, that you are willing to listen to everything they want to tell you. Ask yourself if you are turning against them, turning away from them, or turning toward them with love and understanding. Are you connecting or disconnecting?

An important note – would you like to supersize or turbocharge your compassion? Add action! When you fully understand your partner's deepest needs, follow through with committed and sincere action. Compassion takes you just so far. Adding action by freely giving of your time and energy makes it truly meaningful. Matt may have 100 things he would rather do than yardwork, but committing to the yardwork transforms compassion into "altruism," selflessly giving to your partner out of a commitment to help your partner meet his or her needs. Your partner will probably feel cared for and special. Furthermore, Matt and Beverly are going to do this together, something that will probably provide a powerful boost to their sense of connection.

In following these steps, you will most likely discover that when your partner feels listened to and understood, hopefully with empathy and compassion, they will probably feel more connected to you. Barriers to connection are more likely to dissolve.

Again, it takes practice. Routinely practicing compassion is not guaranteed to solve all the problems of your relationship, but it will probably help. In any event, you won't be adding to problems by your defensiveness and avoidance, but instead acting in such a way that has a high probability of improving the relationship.

It's all about habits and practice. As you read through these chapters, you'll see there is a pathway toward becoming habitually awesome as a relationship partner, and you can't be awesome without compassion. In this chapter we’ve presented you with a pathway for cultivating compassion.

Chapter 8 is entitled: "Habitualizing" –Turn Bad Habits into Good Habits through Mindful Awareness and Neuroplasticity.” If you're like virtually everyone else, you have good habits and bad habits. In Chapter 7 you will learn how to become very aware of the habits you want to change, and how to systematically bring about those changes.

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