Chapter 16: De-Escalating Conflict and Building Trust

CHOICE 7. DE-ESCALATING CONFLICT AND BUILDING TRUST THROUGH INTENTIONAL RELATING

"Courage means to keep working a relationship, to continue seeking solutions to difficult problems, and to stay focused during stressful periods."

Denis Waitley

“If civilization is to survive, we must cultivate the science of human relationships – the ability of all peoples, of all kinds, to live together, in the same world at peace.”

Franklin D Roosevelt

Your relationship is only as strong and viable as the quality of conflict management and conflict resolution within that relationship. How well you and your partner deal with conflict will determine whether your relationship is the source of your greatest happiness in your life, your greatest misery, or both. Yet becoming masterful in your ability to build a strong, positive relationships is entirely within your grasp. We will show you how. We call our approach “Intentional Relating.”

When it comes to relationships you cannot, not choose. Anything you do, or don't do, is a choice. You can choose to be proactive and address problems. You can choose to stay actively involved in the maintenance of the relationship. You can choose to learn about how relationships work - or don't work. You can choose to enter - or leave relationships. You can choose to be kind and nurturing, or you can choose to be cold and indifferent. You can choose to be defensive, reactive and self- protective, or you can choose to let go of defensiveness and be open and willing to learn.

You can turn away from, against, or toward the other person with the goal of understanding. You can choose to stay calm. You can choose to listen attentively. You can choose to be respectful.

You can choose to let go of your ego, instead expanding your consciousness to include full awareness of your partner, awareness of his or her uniqueness, woundedness, hurts and fears. You can choose to feel your partner's pain and respond with compassion and understanding. You can choose to view your partner’s world from his or her perspective. You can choose empathy. You can choose to be vulnerable.

You can choose to learn how to apply Mindfulness to your communication, using mindful awareness to generate warmth, trust and intimacy.

You can choose to love! We see love as a verb.

You can choose to not make choices at all, choosing to do nothing, letting the relationship play out as it will. This is probably the most damaging choice, and a choice many make without even being aware it's a choice - but it is. You cannot, not choose!

There are no choices more crucial to your well- being. How you handle your relationship determines to a large extent your stress and "dis-ease,” or your joy and satisfaction with your life.

We view many psychological difficulties such as stress, anxiety, and depression as symptomatic of a life out of balance, something we call “dis-ease,” The term dis-ease is used by individuals and healing communities who are aligned with wellness, without focus on a particular ailment. Emphasis is placed on the natural state of "ease" having become imbalanced or disrupted. Life experiences, together with our beliefs and interpretations of those experiences, have created a disruption of what was supposed to be, resulting in a loss of balance in one’s life.

According to positive psychologist Carol Ryff, psychological well-being and balance means being able to function well in six key areas that taken together constitute not only mental health, but overall psychological and emotional well-being. These essential components to psychological well-being are:

• Environmental mastery – having control over different areas of your life, such as your job, your home, where you live, your finances, your social life, or your love/sex/romantic life.
• Autonomy – having the freedom to choose, the ability to think independently, and be accountable for, and responsible for, your own actions.
• A sense of purpose – having fulfilling goals and a sense of direction.
• Personal growth – being open to change, experiencing continued development, and feeling able to achieve your potential
• Self-acceptance – valuing all that you are and being kind to yourself.
• Positive relations with others – feeling competent and skillful in achieving, satisfying relationships.

This chapter addresses the sixth component of psychological well-being: Positive relations with others. You will find however that the first five areas are also dramatically affected by the relationship choices discussed in the following pages – choices that often constitute “Keystone habits.”

We ask participants at stress and anxiety workshops, and members of our Mindful Choices therapy groups, for an estimate of the percentage of their anxiety and stress that stems from their relationships with others. Estimates range from forty percent to over ninety percent. In other words, problems in relationships equate to problems with anxiety and stress management. When our relationships aren’t going well, our lives seem out of balance. When our relationships are satisfying, we have all the benefits of a crucial component in psychological well-being.

This chapter is intended as a stand-alone resource for anyone seeking better relationships through better conflict management. It has little to do with finding the right person, changing others, or luck. Instead, it’s all about becoming who you want to be in your relationship.

It’s about acting from the best within yourself. It’s about mindful communication based on self-awareness and self-management. It’s about training yourself to engage in genuine dialogue with a heightened ability to pay attention, empathize with others, and be open, honest and curious. It’s about embarking on a journey to become masterful in your relationship with your partner while dramatically increasing your insight, knowledge of self and self-acceptance.

It’s also about overcoming bad habits and turning positive choices into strong new foundational habits.

Intentional Relating for skillful conflict management is a large component of our program, and for good reason. First, it’s about an area of your life that may account for most of your stress, or your deepest satisfactions– and for most of us over our lifespan, it’s both. Secondly, more than any other component of our program, it’s about a complex process of skill development and personal growth.

Intentional Relating is a step-by-step program for achieving relational self-mastery. Beginning with acquiring skills in self-awareness and self-management, Intentional Relating is about being fully conscious, purposeful, and skillful in managing relationship conflict. It’s about mindful awareness and mindful action leading to mastering crucial relationship skills, skills you cannot master without first mastering yourself. It’s about purposefully developing strong foundational relationship habits, freeing your brain up to deal with complex relationship issues.

We are confident that you will find this material truly meaningful. You’re a work in progress. Every small choice you make in developing and practicing Intentional Relating skills for conflict management will pay big dividends, ultimately enriching your life, and the lives of those closest to you.

INTENTIONAL RELATING SELF-ASSESSMENT (Couples version)

Note that while the language for the self-assessment implies a couple relationship, the self-assessment can be used for any relationship with only a slight modification in language.

Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.

DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your thinking, beliefs, or behavior for the past week and record that number on the following table (Also available on our website: www. Mindfulchoicesforcouples.com).

0= not true at all, 1= mostly not true, 2= partially true, 3= largely true, 4=totally true

a. I Listen Attentively, Not Reactively. In my interactions with my partner, I listen attentively and I am conscious of equality and symmetry of air time. We each get to talk and be listened to with no one dominating the conversation or monopolizing the time we have for discussion. My intention is to understand my partner, help them feel listened to and understood, and engage with them in such a manner that the relationship is strengthened, and cooperation and connection is enhanced.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

b. I Respond with Immediacy and Assertiveness. I talk to my partner about what I perceive is going on with us in the "here and now," in the moment. I do not "gunny sack," avoiding issues by stuffing and stacking my thoughts, feelings, and resentments until they can no longer be contained. I show respect for my partner by letting them know where I am coming from. I say what I mean. I don’t agree or say "yes" if I feel differently or mean "no."

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

c. I Am Non-defensive and Willing to Learn. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to operate beyond my ego, without the need to be defensive. I don’t have to appear perfect or conceal my mistakes. I am open to constructive feedback even if it means hearing complaints. I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths, accepting an open, willing-to-learn attitude as essential for my personal growth.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

d. I Effectively Use Self-Awareness. I am conscious of my physiological state, such as my breathing and muscle tension while talking to my partner. I am able to observe my own self-talk in regard to relationships. I am aware of my emotions and my emotional arousal. I am able to use this self-awareness effectively in self-management, responding calmly, non-defensively, and with the intention of balancing assertiveness with interest in what my partner wants to tell me. In my self-aware interactions I am open, willing to learn, and I pursue understanding rather than agreement.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

e. I Am Open, Self-Revealing, and Willing to Take Risks. I am willing to take risks in my relationship by sharing my true needs and feelings, even though I may feel awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. I am willing to trust in my relationship and my belief that honesty and openness is indispensable in relationship building.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

f. I Practice Mindfulness and Staying in the Now. I am conscious and intentional in utilizing mindfulness practice as a pathway to increasing intimacy, dialogue, and understanding. In my interactions with my partner, I remain mindfully conscious of the need to live fully in the present, letting go of past resentments, while working to keep fearfulness of future events from interfering with my ability to remain calm, respectful, and willing to connect.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

g. I Respond Actively and Constructively. When my partner wants to tell me something, I respond with enthusiasm. I am actively engaged in a positive way. I ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going. I maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. I listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of my own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

h. I Manage My Emotions, Listening Attentively and Not Reactively, Describing My Feelings Rather Than Attacking with Them. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to stay centered and grounded, able to use my emotions effectively for building my relationship, rather than allowing myself to be overly influenced by strong feelings. Even when emotions are experienced powerfully within my body, I am able to find a calm space within and manage my emotions rather than having my emotions manage me.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

i. I’m Guided by My Belief That Our Relationship Is a Priority. I remain aware of my valuing of our relationship. I remember to express small acts of connection and caring. I show up mindful and aware in our interactions as the person I truly want to be within the relationship. No matter what is happening, I do not lose track of the positive feelings I have about my partner and the relationship.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

j. I Am Aware of Choices and Increasingly Make the Right Choices. I am aware of the choices I have in relating to my partner. I can choose to turn toward, away from, or against my partner. I can choose to be adversarial, withdrawn, or empathic. I can choose to soften or harden. I can choose to listen attentively or reactively. I can choose to be open and willing to learn, or closed and defensive. I can choose to focus on protecting myself, or I can choose to be vulnerable. I can choose to see conflict as dangerous, or as an opportunity to build my relationship. I’m aware of choices — and I can make the right choices! My present-moment awareness of the positive choices I can make, along with consistently practicing those choices, is resulting in increasingly choosing well.

Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record your score in the Intentional Relating table above.

Add your scores, divide by two and enter your total score on the table above.

The following is an example of the table with squares a-J filled in with 10 scores, each square representing the 0-4 score on that particular statement. The scores are then totaled in the last square, for a total of 25 that is then divided by 2 for a final score of 12.5

The score of 12.5 is then located on the grid below, falling on the dividing line between 12 and 13. This means that Intentional Relating performance was in the “good” category. Overall, this means that the person taking this pretest was doing well with being conscious and intentional in his or her relationship. However, there is still substantial room for improvement. In fact, even with a perfect score there is no limit to how masterful you can become in relating to your partner. No set of skills is more important.

Okay, now it’s time to enter your score on the grid below.

How did you do? Consider taking our 10 day challenge. Utilizing the graph below (also found on our website), make a concerted effort to improve your scores over 10 day period. Of course, building solid habits may take a lot longer but you can demonstrate to yourself solid progress in a relatively short period of time.

Figure 16-1: Ten Day Challenge

The possibilities for growth and mastery are limitless. How good do you want to be in your ability to relate to others?

The thoughts behind the 10 Mindful Choice for Couples Choice 7 statements

Each of the statements can be thought of as an affirmation, or as a desired state you want to achieve. Rating a statement with a “4” is an indication you are at an optimal level of functioning for a vital component of Intentional Relating. The 10 statements are repeated here with a brief explanation of the thinking that went into the construction of each statement.

a. I Listen Attentively, Not Reactively. In my interactions with my partner, I listen attentively and I am conscious of equality and symmetry of air time. We each get to talk and be listened to with no one dominating the conversation or monopolizing the time we have for discussion. My intention is to understand my partner, help them feel listened to and understood, and engage with them in such a manner that the relationship is strengthened, and cooperation and connection is enhanced.

The word “discussion” often indicates a debate between two opposing viewpoints or positions. We much prefer an emphasis on “dialogue,” a respectful conversation aimed at mutual understanding as a foundation for creating trust-building collaborative action.

Agreement is nice but it’s relatively unimportant compared to understanding, with each party coming away from the dialogue feeling listened to and understood.

Often problems dissolve when there is genuine understanding within an atmosphere of mutual respect. When the problem persists and additional dialogue is needed, understanding creates the foundation for problem ssolving and conflict resolution.

Throughout the dialogue, and in fact a prerequisite for dialogue, each person needs to feel safe in fully expressing their thoughts, feelings and expectations. When neither party dominates the conversation or monopolizes “airtime,” there is a balance between taking care of yourself and taking care of your partner – between assertiveness and accommodation.

Listen to your partner's needs without engaging in your own defensiveness or insecurity based behavior. Actively encourage your partner to "Tell me more."

Choose to see the real enemy to your relationship as getting sidetracked in destructive surface emotions of anger, frustration, and jealousy rather than the authentic deeper emotions such as fear and insecurity. Experience your vulnerable emotions rather than react angrily or defensively to your surface feelings.

Choose to open yourself up to be influenced by your partner, even when there is strong disagreement. Be willing to look at the possibility that what your partner is trying to tell you may very well be something that you need to hear.

b. I Respond with Immediacy and Assertiveness. I talk to my partner about what I perceive is going on with us in the "here and now," in the moment. I do not "gunny sack," avoiding issues by stuffing and stacking my thoughts, feelings, and resentments until they can no longer be contained. I show respect for my partner by letting them know where I am coming from. I say what I mean. I don’t agree or say "yes" if I feel differently or mean "no."

Assertiveness is vital to healthy relationships. Often people hold back from expressing thoughts and feelings out of fear of being hurtful or creating more conflict. Most of us have been there. We’ve probably all been in situations where we’re surprised by things that come up in the heat of conflict, things we weren’t aware of, or perhaps thought were resolved.

Maybe you’ve been the one to hold back. Perhaps you’ve found yourself holding back until anger and resentment could no longer be contained, or you left the relationship. Perhaps you have found yourself agreeing simply to keep the peace or avoid conflict. Perhaps you thought your own feelings were not particularly important and it was simply easier to go along with something you thought you could live with, only to realize later the full depth of your resentment.

Lack of assertiveness is a barrier to self-acceptance and a poison to relationships. In an effort to avoid emotional pain and conflict, or hurting others, we usually wind up damaging the relationship and creating more pain and discomfort.

Assertiveness is a primary tool in building relationships. If you get in the habit of telling it like it is, honestly and respectfully, you are creating a deeper and more authentic relationship. People will actually like you, value you, and respect you more, and your relationship will be stronger.

c. I Am Non-defensive and Willing to Learn. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to operate beyond my ego, without the need to be defensive. I don’t have to appear perfect or conceal my mistakes. I am open to constructive feedback even if it means hearing complaints. I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths, accepting an open, willing-to-learn attitude as essential for my personal growth.

We’ve learned a lot from marriage researcher John Gottman. He describes the “Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, as the four qualities couples most need to eliminate in order to have a healthy relationship. These qualities are:

• Criticism, where all problems are said to stem from the other person’s shortcomings, or problems of character.
• Contempt, where you are definitely fighting “dirty,” using, name-calling, and other vicious attacks.
• Stonewalling, where you simply refuse to deal with the issue or use a variety of ways of avoiding being engaged. Meant as a protection, this closed communication actually increases feelings of distress and isolation for each of you.
• Defensiveness is a pattern of avoiding personal responsibility and instead blaming circumstances and misunderstandings on the other person, or mysterious forces in the universe.

Habitually fighting back and defending can be a relationship killer, affecting all relationships, not just couple relationships. This behavior grows out of early negative experiences with conflict and basic fears of being abandoned or being controlled.

Our belief is that defensiveness also arises out of the fear of truly being incompetent, unlovable, or simply a bad person, confirmed if you don’t fight back and defend yourself.

However, difficult as it may be to believe or achieve, you can learn to let go of defensiveness, instead experiencing low-anxiety and high connectedness within a pattern of open communication, mutual trust, and mutual respect.

You can even learn to welcome all feedback, even the feedback that makes you uncomfortable. After all, this is how you grow, so you want to be sure that you don’t “shoot the messenger.” Think of all complaints as simply important information about what is going on within the other person. You don’t have to agree, but it’s vital you are willing to listen and try to understand the other person’s unique view of their world.

Non-defensiveness often opens the door to developing a dynamite relationship.

Choose to not protect yourself by distancing yourself from your partner by withdrawing or refusing to deal with an issue (stonewalling).

Be aware that your basic choices in dealing with conflict are to turn against, away from, or toward your partner. In other words, you can fight with your partner, flee from them, or move toward emotional connection. Choose to move toward emotional connection.

d. I Effectively Use Self-Awareness. I am conscious of my physiological state, such as my breathing and muscle tension while talking to my partner. I am able to observe my own self-talk in regard to our relationship. I am aware of my emotions and my emotional arousal. I am able to use this self-awareness effectively in self-management, responding calmly, non-defensively, and with the intention of balancing assertiveness with interest in what my partner wants to tell me. In my self-aware interactions I am open, willing to learn, and I pursue understanding rather than agreement.

This statement deals with the quality of mindful awareness. Often in relational conflicts, our emotions are managing us rather than us managing our emotions. As we become more emotionally engaged, physiological arousal luickly leads to fight-or-flight reactivity. If we are “mindless” about what is happening within our minds and bodies, we find ourselves swept along by an emotional current that threatens to become an emotional tsunami.

Again, we emphasize the cultivation of emotional awareness leading to the ability to calm down, slow down, relax, give up control, and simply give the other the gift of our calm, nonreactive and attentive presence. Probably all successful relationships, particularly those that are long-term and deeply satisfying, have this quality of mindful awareness and mindful self-management.

Emotional self-regulation is vital, along with co-regulation where partners help one another slow down.

It begins with simply noticing thoughts and emotions, and realizing that this is a moment of choice. For example, you can slow yourself down, apologize and reach out to the other, or remain cold, resentful and closed. Mindful awareness means being “in the zone,” tuned into your inner state and observing your inner dialogue and then following through with emotionally intelligent choices.

e. I Am Open, Self-Revealing, and Willing to Take Risks. I am willing to take risks in my relationship by sharing my true needs and feelings, even though I may feel awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. I am willing to trust in my relationship and my belief that honesty and openness is indispensable in relationship building.

Vulnerability has gotten a bad rap. Certainly, we hate the idea of becoming vulnerable only to be abused, neglected, or taken advantage of. However, you can’t have a great relationship without vulnerability. When you open up and share your deepest needs and feelings, the effect is often magical. Vulnerability often leads to your partner being more willing to be vulnerable, resulting in the relationship deepening and becoming more authentic and deeply satisfying.

Of course, there is a risk involved, but it is ultimately a necessary risk if you want a shot at a great relationship. To get there, you need to accept the goal of facing and overcoming obstacles that have prevented you from allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

Practice self-disclosure, even if it means taking baby steps, and allow yourself to take more risks. Your relationship cannot grow otherwise. Yes, it can be scary and there are no guarantees, but if you want the possibility of a great relationship, there is no other way.

Observe yourself throughout your day. Are you taking risks or playing it safe? Look for opportunities to open up and share your feelings, even though it’s sometimes frightening to do so. Describe your feelings rather than attack with them. Stay calm. Stay respectful. Observe what happens. Our guess is you will find your relationship opening up and increasingly becoming “us against the problem,” rather than “me against you.”

Choose to take risks and share deeper emotions such as fear, sadness, loneliness, or insecurity, allowing yourself to be vulnerable.

f. I Practice Mindfulness and Staying in the Now. I am conscious and intentional in utilizing mindfulness practice as a pathway to increasing intimacy, dialogue, and understanding. In my interactions with my partner, I remain mindfully conscious of the need to live fully in the present, letting go of past resentments, while working to keep fearfulness of future events from interfering with my ability to remain calm, respectful, and willing to connect.

Mindful awareness is about living in the present, not being preoccupied with regrets from the past or fears about the future. It means accepting “it is what it is,” and moving on. It’s about being fully present and aware in the “here and now.” It’s about paying attention to what’s going on right now in your interaction with your partner, aware of any reactivity or defensiveness, any difficulty in letting go of the past, or fearfulness about what might happen in the future. It’s about tuning in and showing up in this moment in a manner that is most positive and effective in contributing to conflict management and relationship growth.

Learn to observe what’s happening in your mind in the moment. Are you primarily reacting to past events? Are you defending against future pain? Experiment with staying in the now, noticing all that is happening in your interaction in this very moment.

The essence of relationship effectiveness is not getting others to change, but rather having skills in self-awareness and self-management. The more you try to get other people to change, the more likely you will get back resistance and resentment. However, the more you focus on becoming self-aware and effectively managing your emotions with emotional intelligence (managing your emotions intelligently), the more masterful you are at creating, maintaining, and strengthening relationships. We emphasize ongoing practice in mindful awareness and self -calming skills, achieving the ability to quickly shift to being open and willing to learn, without defensiveness or reactivity.

The practice of open mindful communication is about letting go of mindlessness, and a primary focus on protecting yourself or promoting your wants and needs over the wants and needs of your partner. Instead, mindful communication means embracing what physicist David Bohm referred to as genuine dialogue, described as “a stream of meaning that flows among, through us and between us.” It means treating others with the healing communication psychologist Carl Rogers referred to as “unconditional positive regard.

It is imperative that you remain emotionally connected during conflict, not losing track of valuing your relationship. You may be angry but resolve that you will not threaten your partner by threatening to leave the relationship.

g. I Respond Actively and Constructively. When my partner wants to tell me something, I respond with enthusiasm. I am actively engaged in a positive way. I ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going. I maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. I listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of my own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.

Figure 16-2: Active Constructive Responding

In a 2006 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology article researchers Shelly Gable and colleagues found that people usually respond to good news in one of four ways. The Active Constructive approach is by far the most meaningful in building and maintaining healthy relationships.

While Shelly Gable was writing about responding to good news, we see this technique as useful whether news is good or bad. In fact, it can be quite helpful to respond to a complaint or criticism by saying something like: “That concerns me and I’d like to understand it better. I want to hear everything you want to tell me about it and I will listen to you.”

It’s important to take the time to listen completely when your partner wants to talk to you. Practice being mindful, fully present in the moment. Follow Stephen Covey’s advice in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People in which he stated: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Be careful about jumping in and finishing the other person’s sentence, offering advice, or hijacking the conversation to tell your own story.

Remember to be genuine and honest and avoid pacifying or insincere flattery. Offer heartfelt congratulations or genuine empathy, whichever might be most appropriate. Ask open-ended questions and allow your partner to fully tell their story. Keep the focus on actively listening to your partner telling you about things that are important to them.

h. I Manage My Emotions, Listening Attentively and Not Reactively, Describing My Feelings Rather Than Attacking with Them. Throughout my day, I am conscious of needing to stay centered and grounded, able to use my emotions effectively for building my relationship, rather than allowing myself to be overly influenced by strong feelings. Even when emotions are experienced powerfully within my body, I am able to find a calm space within and manage my emotions rather than having my emotions manage me.

Mindful awareness of strong emotions such as anger, resentment and fear can serve as a reminder to soften your self-talk and turn toward your partner with the intention to listen attentively and respectfully. Additionally, you help the relationship by not suppressing your own feelings, or attacking with them, but instead by describing them with assertiveness and “I” language.

We emphasize cultivation of deep awareness of thoughts and feelings leading to an ability to notice what’s going on inside, and a choice to be calm and focused. A learned “mini relaxation” involving diaphragmatic breathing can be very helpful in achieving this mindful presence.

A favorite book that we have found very useful is “Three Deep Breaths” by Thomas Crum. Three Deep Breaths is a recipe for calming and centering yourself, getting clear on how you want to be in the moment, and opening yourself up to discovering whatever the moment has to teach you.

i. I’m Guided by My Belief That Our Relationship Is a Priority. I remain aware of my valuing of our relationship. I remember to express small acts of connection and caring. I show up mindful and aware in our interactions as the person I truly want to be within the relationship. No matter what is happening, I do not lose track of the positive feelings I have about my partner and the relationship.

Often, in the heat of argument, the other person seems like the enemy, or seems dangerous in some way. Let’s look at how we get there. A very useful concept is the idea of “ladders of inference,” and here is how it works. Human beings are constantly observing and collecting information. As we gather data or observations, we make assumptions, draw conclusions, add meanings, and make inferences. That’s how we think, and generally it keeps us from being overwhelmed with the sheer volume of information constantly streaming at us from all directions. In the heat of an argument however, we have a tendency to ascend our ladder of inference, layering assumptions upon assumptions, inferences upon inferences, making broad generalizations and arriving at sweeping conclusions about what seems obviously wrong with the other person. At last we arrive at the top of our ladders, quite convinced that the other person is the enemy, or at least defective to the extent that they can’t see the wonderful logic of our own approach. Virtually all of us have been there. Some of us live at the top of the ladder, continuously finding what seems to be evidence for our position.

The challenge is about never losing track of your valuing of the relationship, something John Gottman calls “positive sentiment override.” No matter what is going on, don’t lose track of the importance of the relationship and the need to stay proactive about relationship building. Mindful awareness provides the quality of being aware of any impulse to ascend your ladder, instead staying focused on remaining conscious and intentional, building a strong positive relationship.

Choose to see the conflict with your partner as your relationship trying to work. Instead of paying attention to words alone, choose to see your partner's anger as covering a deeper need for love and connection. Choose to understand your partner at a deeper level.

j. I Am Aware of Choices and Consistently Make the Right Choices. I am aware of the choices I have in relating to my partner. I can choose to turn toward, away from, or against my partner. I can choose to be adversarial, withdrawn, or empathic. I can choose to soften or harden. I can choose to listen attentively or reactively. I can choose to be open and willing to learn, or closed and defensive. I can choose to focus on protecting myself, or I can choose to be vulnerable. I can choose to see conflict as dangerous, or as an opportunity to build my relationship. I’m aware of choices — and I can make the right choices! My present-moment awareness of the positive choices I can make, along with consistently practicing those choices, is resulting in increasingly choosing well.

It’s all about choices. Can you choose to have a great relationship? Yes, we believe you can. True, relationships are often problematic, even disastrous. Half of all marriages fail, which doesn’t mean that the other 50% are deliriously happy. Maybe half of those would readily agree that they would marry the same person all over again, and without hesitation. That probably sounds depressing. We believe however that you can choose to be in the lucky 25%. In fact, it’s not really about luck in all. We maintain that it’s about awareness, self-management, choice, and mindful action. Remember also that we are not talking only about couple relationships. We’re talking about all of your relationships, and your ability to greatly increase your own satisfaction and happiness..

Believe that your issues are solvable if you can find a way to remain in dialogue, pursuing understanding rather than agreement, fully respecting one another and accepting that you are different. Choose to proceed with the belief that your relationship problems are solvable.

What’s the next step?

It's a matter of priorities. If you agree with us that there's not much in life more important than relationships, match that priority with a commitment of time, energy, and a willingness to work on self-awareness and self-management.

Take the time to learn and practice. Accept that this is not a one-shot deal, or something you will eventually finish. It’s a work in progress, an ongoing process where there's always room for improvement. Don't be frustrated; Effort expended in learning and practicing Intentional Relating will continue to pay big dividends lifelong. Create and live the vision of being the architect of the relationships you desire. Commit to life-long learning and enjoy the journey.

Tips for Improvement: The Shortlist

• Cultivate mindful awareness by revisiting disappointing interactions and viewing those situations as learning experiences. Instead of getting stuck up your “ladder of inference” and playing the blame game, try figuring out what you might have done differently.
• Practice breath awareness and breath retraining, following the guidelines in Choice 1 of the Mindful Choices for Well-Being material found on our website: www.minfulchoicesforcouples.com.
• Never, ever try to resolve a conflict while you are in fight-or-flight mode. You will simply make a mess of things. Get yourself first to a place where you are willing to follow the guidelines presented in these pages.
• Consider Mindful Journaling. Journaling tips specific to this chapter will follow this section.
• You will find an abundance of material relevant to becoming more masterful in Intentional Relating in our other chapters. Conversely, mastery of the concepts of this chapter will result in progress in those other choice areas.
• Re-take the short Intentional Relating test from this chapter, as part of the overall Mindful Choices monthly assessment. Focus on steadily improving your score to the “Good,” or “Optimal” levels. If you are working specifically on this choice area, take this short assessment on a daily basis.

Choice 7 Personal Development Worksheet

Step 1: Identify a foundational value, or values. In other words, why is this Mindful Choice for Couples important to me? ________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Step 2: How would I describe my present Choice 7 performance?

________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________Step 3: In regard to Intentional Relating, what is the behavior I want to change?

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Step 4: What is my personal vision for Choice 7? Imagining some point in the future. What Do I see myself doing in regard to Mindful Choice 7?

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Step 5: What do I hope to get from Choice 7:

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Step 6: To pursue Choice 7 to the point that I much more conscious and intentional in my relationships, how will I have to be in ways that might constitute a major stretch for me? Do I need a new way of being that would constitute a paradigm shift? Are there radically different ways of being (thinking, feeling, acting) that contribute to doing Mindful Choice 7 and getting what I want to get?

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Step 7: In regard to Choice 7, How will I have to act on a daily or ongoing basis so that I wind up doing what I want to do, and getting what I want to get, and being the way I want to be? How do I have to discipline myself to have consistent, routine, and well-practiced daily or ongoing actions that steadily contribute to the results I really want and value in my life?

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Step 8: What are the barriers such as negative self-talk or lack of time that might prevent me from reaching my Choice 7 goals?

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Step 9: Who will be helpful or supportive in my Choice 7 change efforts?

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Step 10: How will I be rewarded while I am accomplishing the changes I desire?

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Step 11: how important is this to me on a scale from 1 to 10, with 10 being extremely important? How might I sabotage the plan, or allow others to sabotage the plan?

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Step 12: I am committing to the following SMART goal (Specific as to actions I will take, Meaningful and in alignment with my values, Adaptive in that I strongly believe my life will be improved, Realistic and achievable, and Time-framed with specific time dedicated).

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“HABITUALIZING”

Building Foundational Skills for Intentional Relating

It’s all about choices, great choices versus bad habits. The essence of being great in your relationship is intentionally and consciously practicing foundational skills until they become powerful foundational relationship habits.

Let’s use an analogy you can probably relate to. For any job, you must demonstrate entry-level competence before you’re turned loose to operate on your own. This is a useful way to think of why you need to establish basic skill competencies before you can perform well in a relationship (perhaps your most important job). If you are to be effective and successful relationally, you need to first be competent in recognizing when you are in fight, flight or freeze mode, and able to hit the reset button. Being uptight and defensive needs to quickly give way to being relaxed and open. Secondly, practice makes this shift rapid, consistent, and routine. Imagine it being automatic and habitual to be sensitive, empathic, calm, and connected. Having this “entry-level” skill-set doesn’t ensure success in the relationship, but it’s certain you’ll have little success otherwise. These “foundational skills” simply free your brain’s energy to deal with the “heavy lifting” of more complex issues. No longer does your brain have to expend enormous energy struggling with basic decisions. Instead, positive responses become habitual, requiring little thought or energy. Being competent in foundational skills, if practiced, will feel easy and natural.

Best news of all? While transformational, this process takes only 5 – 10 minutes a day and requires very little willpower. Developing “foundational” skills with minimal effort frees your brain up for the challenges of more complex relationship issues.

Two forms follow. Both forms are downloadable at the website. The first form, your Intentional Relating Scoring Form, gives you the opportunity to record your scores for assessment items a – j each day for an entire month.

The second form, your Intentional Relating Profile, allows you to record each daily score for an entire month, resulting in a profile showing strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and challenges. Be honest and assess yourself each morning looking back on the last 24 hours.

Journaling

Always begin journaling by calming and centering yourself. We strongly suggest utilizing the Three Deep Breaths Thomas Crum writes about. If you haven’t already done so, we also suggest you focus specifically on Breath Awareness and Retraining for at least 30 consecutive days, and do your breathing practice concurrent with journaling.

Here’s a suggestion for getting started journaling about Mindful Choice 7. Take 15 minutes and write on the theme of “My Relationship. Just get into free association, writing down whatever comes to mind. Try to keep writing for the entire 15 minutes. Don’t worry about editing, spelling, grammar, or sentence structure. Don’t judge what you have written. This is for you alone. Tomorrow, pick up the theme and continue writing for another 15 minutes. Continue this process for at least the next 10 days, then review for insights that are helpful to you in turning away from negative self-talk and beliefs.

What’s the pay off? You’ll find yourself becoming more aware and paying more attention to your relationships throughout your day. Increasingly, you will find yourself tuning in, aware of whether your responses to others are conscious and intentional, or mindless. You’ll start paying attention to the your self-talk about relationships, choosing to slow down and soften what you are telling yourself. You will notice whether your self- talk about protecting, defending, or avoiding, or is it more compassionate, and empathic. Most importantly, you’ll discover that you can actually choose to embrace more positive and useful thoughts about others and about the relationship.

Now here’s a suggestion for making your journaling about relationships especially powerful. Each evening, write down three things that went well for you in your relationship today. Next, write about why they went well. Next, write about why they are important to you, thus connecting to your values. Finally, write about how you can have more of these things in your life. Try it for a month. We can almost guarantee you that this exercise alone will make a huge difference.

Further Reading

Bohm, D. (2004). On Dialogue. Abingdon-on-Thames, UK: Routledge.

Covey, S. (2013). The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons and Personal Change. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster.

Crum, T. 2009. Three Deep Breaths. San Francisco, CA: Berrett-Koeler Publishers Inc.

Dyer, W. (2005). The Power of Intention. Carlsbad, CA: Hay House.

Goleman, D. (2005). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam books New York, NY: Bantam Books.

Oettingen, G. (2015). Rethinking Positive Thinking: Inside the New Science of Motivation. Penguin Publishing Group. New York, NY: Penguin Publishing Group.

Gable, S., Gonzaga, G. &Strachman, A. (2006). Will You Be There for Me When Things Go Right? Supportive Responses to Positive Event Disclosures. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, Vol 91(5), Nov 2006, 904-917.

Gottman, J. (2002). The Relationship Cure: A Five Step Guide to Strengthening Your Marriage, Family, and Friendships. New York, NY: Harmony.

Gottman, J. (2015). The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. New York, NY: Harmony.

Hendrix, H. (2007). Getting the Love You Want. New York, New York: Henry Holt and Company.

Rogers, R. (1985). On Becoming a Person: A Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. New York, NY: Mariner Books.

Ryff, C. & Singer, B. (2001). Emotion, Social Relationships, and Health. New York, NY: Oxford University Press.