Draft Chapters of Being the Right Partner

We anticipate  publishing Being the Right Partner  in the          spring of 2021. In the meantime, we will continue to refine        the material presented here while making it available to our clients. We often suggest specific readings and assessments      that are related to our in-session work. The following are draft chapters in of our work.  We hope this material will be    meaningful to you whether or not you are a present client.

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Introduction: 

Purposes, Core Assumptions, and the Four Pillars

Contents

Introduction

Purposes, Core Assumptions, and the Four Pillars

Part I

Understanding Challenges to Your Relationship

Chapter 1:  So, what is love anyway, and why do you need it?

Chapter 2: The Relationship Paradox: Why are we so bad at getting what we want the most?

Part II

Great Choices, Powerful Habits with Mindful Choices Therapy

Chapter 3: Awaken Your Compassionate Mind

Chapter 4: "Habitualizing"—Turn Bad Habits into Good Habits through Mindful Awareness and Neuroplasticity

Chapter 5: Choice and Self-Management—The Mindful Choices Therapy Model for

Building a Solid Relationship.

Chapter 6: The Relationship Challenge—Conflict as an Opportunity for Building your Relationship.

Chapter 7: H42—An Advanced Practice for Couples.

Part III

Assessing Yourself as a Relationship Partner

Chapter 8: The Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Instructions

Chapter 9: The Assessment

• Intention
• Mindful Self-Awareness
• Choice and Self-Management
• Self-Talk
• Listening, Respecting, Accepting, and Validating
• Assertive, Open, and Vulnerable
• De-Escalating Conflict and Building Trust
• Language Choices for Conflict Management
• Love, Secure Connection, and Sexuality
• Following through

 Part IV

Action Planning Guides

Chapter 10: Intention

Chapter11: Mindful Self-Awareness

Chapter 12: Choice and Self-Management

Chapter 13: Self-Talk

Chapter 14: Listening, Respecting, Accepting, and Validating

Chapter 15: Assertive, Open, and Vulnerable

Chapter 16: De-Escalating Conflict and Building Trust

Chapter 17: The Dialogue Option

Chapter 18: Mindful Sex

Chapter 19: Love is a Verb

Epilogue

Chapter 20: The Road Ahead: Changes, Transitions, and Revitalization

                                           INTRODUCTION TO BEING THE RIGHT PARTNER

“Only someone who is ready for everything, who doesn't exclude any experience, even the incomprehensible, will live the relationship with another person as something alive and will himself sound the depths of his own being.” 

                                                 ― Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet

“We exercise kindness in any moment when we recognize our shared humanity—with all the hopes, dreams, joys, disappointments, vulnerability, and suffering that implies.”                                                       

                                              ― Sharon Salzberg, Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection

This Book is About You

This book is about you, and how you can be masterful in your most important relationship.

It's about having greatly increased self-awareness and self-management leading to consistently making emotionally intelligent choices. It's about becoming far better as a relationship partner than you ever thought you could be.

It's about becoming mindful of what's happening between you and your partner in this moment, able to create a "mindful pause" between something that triggers your emotions and your usual response. It's about conscious intentional relating instead of "knee-jerk" automatic responding.

This book is not about finding the right partner, or fixing your partner. It's about becoming and being the right partner, bringing your very best self to the relationship.

How good do you want to be in your relationship? This book is your training manual on how to be truly masterful as a relationship partner, and that’s half of what’s needed. The other half?

Becoming masterful at relating doesn't guarantee a happy relationship, but at least you'll know how to contribute to such a relationship without letting fears and self-protective habits get in the way. You can be part of the solution instead of being part of the problem.

Of course, you will still need a like-minded partner who is willing to engage with you in developing and maintaining a secure functioning relationship. Your job is to find such a partner, or influence the partner you already have to grow with you. Without such a partner, it's truly like the sound of one hand clapping (from a Zen philosophical riddle).

What is a "secure functioning relationship?" Stan Tatkin, author of We Do: Saying Yes to the Relationship of Depth, True Connection, and Enduring Love defines it as follows: "Secure functioning means that you and your partner can operate as a two-person psychological system as fully collaborative, cooperative, and mutually protective."

So, perhaps you are already fortunate enough to have a partner who came well equipped for such a relationship. Unfortunately, such a partner may be hard to find. Perhaps you're lucky enough to already be with someone who is willing to learn. Great! The two of you can work on the material in this book together and build that secure functioning relationship as a collaborative team.

If however you are with someone who is unwilling to work with you, or your relationship is so damaged that either of you feels uncompromisingly stuck, seeing an experienced relationship counselor, or perhaps an individual counselor,  may be needed. Still, even though the challenges may seem overwhelming, applying the lessons of this book may be extremely helpful.

For whatever situation you find yourself in, you will find great benefit in working on yourself so that you can better work with your present partner or a future partner.

Remember, nothing in this life contributes more to your personal happiness than having a thriving relationship.

You Don't Know What You Don't Know – until You Do!

Do you know about “mindfulness?” Do you know why it’s vital to you in having a great life? Do you understand why your relationship may not work without mindful awareness?

Mindfulness is knowing! Imagine being aware, insightful, purposeful, and effective, moment by moment, in your most important relationship. Imagine being great at conscious and intentional relating.

Imagine being able use mindful awareness to manage your relational self in a positive and even masterful way — maximizing the probability of your relationship being successful.

You might be thinking these are things you already do, and that may be true – sometimes! However, let’s be honest. Consider the following questions.

Do you ever find yourself getting into an argument you didn’t intend to be in? Have you noticed that arguments generally don’t go well, yet you find yourself in arguments anyway? Do you find yourself getting defensive? Do you ever find yourself being hijacked by strong emotions, swept away by a tsunami of emotion rather than responding effectively? Do you find yourself in discussions where neither one of you is feeling listened to or understood, interactions that go nowhere and where both of you feel upset and disappointed? Do you ever find yourself responding in habitual ways that don’t seem to bring about the results you’d like? Do you find yourself sometimes reacting ineffectively and destructively, saying all the wrong things, rather than responding in a positive and productive way?

Relax, it’s really just how us humans tend to be in relationships. We’re not consistently good at it. In fact, few relationships are truly successful. It’s the human condition. Rather than being mindful, most of us are on relationship autopilot much of the time.

Being on autopilot means sometimes having your emotions, negative thoughts, and bad habits take command. If either one of you is in fight or flight mode, it’s not going to work. If you’re both in fight or flight mode, it’s a total disaster – no exceptions!

Imagine however, being consistently calm and focused, yet empathic and understanding. Imagine not getting sidetracked by resentments or defensiveness, but instead having the presence of mind to make emotionally intelligent choices, choices that benefit both you and your partner, while helping you build a strong relationship. This is the power of “mindfulness” when mindfulness is being used to promote relational excellence through the development of powerful positive habits.

Welcome to Being the Right Partner

Are you ready for mindful relating? Are you motivated? Have you figured out that love isn’t all you need? Are you ready for personal growth in relational excellence? Are you coachable?

Our program is for individuals who are fully committed and motivated to bring their very best self to their most important relationship. Our systematic self-training program can make you fully conscious, intentional, and effective — truly masterful — in how you show up in your relationship. Imagine what that would be worth to you in overall life satisfaction.

We call our method "Mindful Choices Therapy," or "Mindful Choices Training" in the corporate world. The “mindful” part of Mindful Choices Therapy refers to training in moment-to-moment self-awareness, a vital component of making lasting changes. You can't change anything you're not aware of, and most people lack awareness with the result that emotions and habits dictate their choices.  

The “choices” part of Mindful Choices Therapy refers to the fact that moment by moment, we all have choices in how we respond, and we can learn to respond consistently with awareness and emotional intelligence (Chapter 6) — In the "now," in the present moment. The therapy part of Mindful Choices Therapy or Mindful Choices Training refers to the systematic development of solid positive habits through our “habitualizing” process.

We’ve worked with couple relationships for over three decades, and we’ve heard just about everything. However, here is something we virtually never hear: “About this relationship stuff.  I really suck at relationships.  How can I do better?”  Instead, what we frequently hear are complaints about the relationship itself, or complaints about one’s partner.  For example, consider Sarah:

Therapist: “Sarah, how would you describe your ideal future relationship self?

Sarah: “Well, I’d like to see us doing more things together, having more fun.”

Therapist: “No, that’s not what I’m asking.  What would be your ideal future relationship     self?

 Sarah: “I could relax more if only John would stop being so critical”

Therapist: “Well, that’s definitely something we can work on in the couple’s session, but I’m asking about you.  Quite independent of what John is doing or not doing, what would be your ideal future relationship self?  How do you want to BE in the relationship?  What would it look like if you were to show up in the relationship being truly masterful in how you relate to John, regardless of what John is doing?  What would it be like if you consistently did and said the right thing anyway, responding with emotional intelligence and behaving in such a way that you, John, and the relationship benefit?”

Sarah: “I’ve never quite thought about it that way.  I need to think about it.”

Yes, it is a different way of thinking for most people. It's so easy for most of us to automatically focus on what's wrong with the couple relationship, or what's wrong with one’s partner. This book has a different direction.

The focus of our book is on the individual— but within the context of the couple relationship. Let’s be clear, we're not talking about individual therapy as though the individual functions independent of the couple “system.” We’re in agreement with Susan Johnson, founder of Emotion Focused Therapy who states in her book Love Sense: The Revolutionary New Science of Romantic Relationships:

 People in love relationships, just as in all relationships, are not distinct entities, acting independently; they are part of a dynamic dyad, within which each person's actions spark and fuel reactions of the other. It was the couple and how the individuals "danced" together that needed to be understood and changed, not simply the individual alone."

Our interest is in getting the individual to function superbly within the relationship "system," with a fine understanding of how to be — in Susan Johnson's language — a better dance partner.

We view the essence of a great relationship to be getting each individual partner to work systematically on self-awareness and self-management so as to be extremely effective in contributing to their relationship.  Ideally, when we can get both partners taking this approach, the relationship is probably well on its way to being safe and satisfying.  However, that’s not always the case. Partners vary widely in their histories, personalities, abilities, commitment, motivation, and degree of mental and emotional health. Consequently, all relationships are incredibly complex, and they ultimately get better or worse depending upon what’s happening with each individual’s ability to turn toward their partner with empathy and understanding.  Our couple’s therapy is very much individual development within the context of each individual’s ability to positively contribute to a secure and satisfying couple relationship.

If you don’t have a partner, or if you have a partner who is not yet willing to cooperate, or a partner who is minimally involved, you can have significant relationship growth anyway. It only takes one person to change an interaction and you can be that person. Also, doing this work will have immense carryover value to all other relationships.

So, let’s focus on you as you show up in your relationship.

Most of us are familiar with the Reinhold Niebuhr Serenity Prayer: God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference. Here's a variation for this book: Grant me the serenity To accept the ones I cannot change; The courage to change The one I can; And the wisdom to know It's me.

Trying to change your partner? How’s that working out for you? Work very hard to change him or her, and in all probability you will only succeed at getting back resistance and resentment. Work relentlessly on knowing and changing yourself, and you will probably have tremendous influence over your relationship.

We focus primarily on individual habits and skills and how those qualities impact the couple system. We want each individual to become very skillful at calming down, slowing down, relaxing, giving up control, giving up the need to win, giving up the need to be right, instead shifting toward being conscious and intentional in contributing to a positive relationship, in other words being mindfully aware and making mindful choices!

We push individuals to methodically practice skills for habit development, with a focus on habits of being fully aware, mindfully staying calm, staying respectful and staying connected– while being fully present, moment by moment, each relational moment.

It’s important to note however, we are not talking about being overly accommodating, codependent, a doormat, or relinquishing the right to have boundaries or protect yourself. We’re talking about skillfully balancing caring for yourself with caring for your partner, and consistently making choices that benefit, rather than damage, your relationship.

Although kindness and civility are essential, being expert in a relationship is not simply about being “nice.“  Being masterful also embodies a degree of toughness and resilience, the courage to “tell it like it is” and be appropriately and assertively confrontational. Above all, it’s about being fully mindful in the moment and balancing the best possible choices for yourself, for your partner, and for the relationship. Sometimes it involves negotiation and compromise.      

Can you imagine being awesome in your contribution to your most important relationship? Can you imagine showing up in your relationship as the person you always knew you could be, but never quite seemed to be? In regard to your life in general and your relationship in particular, would you like to “become mindfully aware, make great choices, and turn those great choices into powerful and positive habits.” That’s the theme of this book.

Think of the possibilities. Visualize the relationship of your dreams. However, be careful! To realize your vision you need more than just “wishful thinking.” Merely wishing lulls your brain into complacency, while considering realistic barriers energizes your brain with compelling challenges and a natural tendency toward problem-solving.

Thinking about your relationship future needs to be accompanied by a realistic awareness of obstacles, and deliberate and focused practice in overcoming those obstacles.

We invite you to imagine your ideal future relationship self. You may choose to imagine yourself six months from now, a year from now, or perhaps five years from now. Imagine not only knowing what choices are the foundation of a great relationship, but imagine those choices becoming solid and enduring habits. This book is about a systematic, step-by-step guided process of going from visualizing success to impressive mastery of ten great choices.

How skillful do you want to be in your most important relationship? How motivated are you?

The following presents you with a challenge. You’re asked to imagine what mastery in each of the 10 Mindful Choices areas would look like, and to visualize your ideal future relationship self.

Figure I-1: Imagine the possibilities

We offer you training in relational excellence. In an ideal world, it’s training that most of us should’ve received by third-grade, but didn’t.

You’ve probably received many years of education but we’re betting there wasn’t much formal, or even informal, education for being in relationship. Other subjects of course were important, yet who would argue that learning computer skills or world history, while vitally important subjects, are as important as learning how to be effective in relationships?

We have created a program to not only help you manage the behaviors that negatively impact your relationship, but we’ve also created a guide for a clear and compelling pathway to relational excellence. This book is a self-directed system for personal transformation developed through decades of clinical practice.

We want you to “thrive” in your relationship. We want you to wake up each morning full of enthusiasm about being part of a couple. We want you to feel confident, optimistic, and empowered, living your values, having compassion for yourself and your partner, and finding purpose and meaning in being together. And we want you to do these things habitually! Experiencing your relationship with such a high degree of satisfaction and happiness is a key component of “well-being.”

This is a book about mindfulness and transformation. You will learn to use mindful awareness of your “here and now” reality to consistently choose mindful relating and relational excellence. You will achieve freedom to be conscious and intentional in your choices. You will have powerful evidence-based methodology for making healthy choices stick. You will loosen the grip of automatic negative habits while building healthy and positive relationship skills that become automatic with practice.

You, like everyone else, are a creature of habit—for better or for worse. According to a 2006 Duke University study, at least 40 percent of everything you think, feel, do or say is habitual.

Of course, you already have good habits, but are you aware of automatic negative relationship habits? Yes, you for sure have some of those also.

We can almost hear the protests. Not me! I’m always aware of my behavior. Everything I do is well thought-out and purposeful. Well, not so fast, the evidence says otherwise. You may think your actions are conscious and intentional, but in fact much of your life is habit. You, like virtually everyone else, are largely living your life on autopilot, following your script, and responding much the way you’ve always responded.

That’s not necessarily a problem. Habits can be good or bad. Your “automaticity” can underlie either a life of great relationship skills or a life of stress, frustration, and disappointment.

However, even though much of your negative relationship behavior is scripted and automatic, you needn’t be discouraged. Learning mindfulness skills for personal mastery and well-being is a game changer. You can develop a discipline of being conscious and intentional. You can take charge of your habits and the choices behind those habits. You can cultivate mindful awareness, consistently make positive choices, and literally rewire your brain, making positive and healthy choices that become habitual. You can choose personal mastery, a peaceful mind, and mindful relating, and you can develop mindfulness tools to make positive choices stick!

We work with couples who want more out of their relationship. Our clients want to consistently make better choices, and they want those choices to become solid habits. They are ready for positive change. All want more out of life. Is this you?

So, how are you doing? Despite good intentions, do you put up barriers to being truly successful in your relationship? Do you keep getting in your own way? Do you find yourself stuck in your own perpetual Groundhog Day?

We’ve all been there. These are simply human qualities and virtually universal. Don’t be discouraged. What you need is a new way of thinking about change and a proven method for making solid transformational changes that take you to a greater sense of relational well-being and personal mastery. We’ll introduce you to a science and evidence-based process for being aware and focused and for transforming great choices into powerful and enduring life-skills and habits.

Today you are one step closer to a new you, choosing to live a life where you feel aware and alive and on a positive path to mindful relating. It’s all about envisioning a positive future relational self, having clarity about self-imposed limitations and habits, and mindfully creating relationship mastery. Whether you realize it or not, you have the power to create and sustain a high level of personal growth and well-being. It’s all about clearly seeing your choices and embarking on a clear, systematic, and active process leading to lasting change. That’s why we created Mindful Choices Therapy, a system for self-directed personal growth and transformation.

How Is This Book Different?

This is a book about a systematic, holistic, and action-oriented process of choosing and creating mindful relating. It’s a guidebook outlining a process of regularly assessing your relational mastery across ten Mindful Choices dimensions, focusing your attention, sustaining a high level of motivation, and creating lasting positive changes through ongoing intention, awareness, focus, and practice. It’s not just another self-help book, but rather a complete “how-to” manual for relational excellence.

This book integrates knowledge from mindfulness and contemplative traditions, Buddhist psychology, Stoicism, positive psychology, neuroscience, and acceptance and mindfulness-based behavioral therapies. It will not only give you foundational skills for dealing with everyday relationship issues but will also take you well beyond “normal” to a life of mindful relating.

Recognizing that at least 40 percent of everything you do is habitual, this book utilizes cutting-edge research and a process we call “habitualizing” to help you systematically develop powerful and positive habits that lead to a high level of relational satisfaction. You’ll learn how to use mindfulness, focused attention, and practice to bring about transformational changes where powerful positive foundational habits seem effortless. You’ll learn how to use your mind to actively change your brain—in other words, focused attention leading to changes in your brain’s circuitry, or “experience-based self-directed neuroplasticity.” In short, this book is about systematically practicing brain-based behavioral changes that powerfully and positively impact your relational abilities. You will literally learn how to use your mind to change your brain.

Who Is This Book For?

We designed this book for you if you are wanting to transcend unwelcome patterns of relating. While most people continue into their future by perpetually and frustratingly re-creating unwelcome elements of their past, this book is about redesigning the way you relate to your partner and systematically creating the relationship skills you want.

This book can be used by individuals with or without the help of a therapist or counselor. The language is straightforward with clinical jargon kept to a minimum. Individuals will find a clear pathway for moving from self-assessment to lasting positive change. Additional resources will be suggested, and the program can be carried out at whatever pace you desire.

You don't have to be part of a couple. Perhaps you're alone but wanting to be in a relationship. Perhaps you're separated or between relationships. Perhaps you are divorced and want to avoid behaving the same way next time. Perhaps you are moving toward marriage and you want to avoid mistakes you've seen your parents make. We've found our program to be ideal for all individuals wanting to be masterful in relationship skills, regardless of age, gender, or sexual orientation.

Counselors and therapists working with couples, or with individuals addressing couple issues, will find the book to be highly useful in targeting specific areas for growth and change, and in guiding change efforts step by step. Similarly, life coaches will find a complete package for guiding their clients from A to Z in development of great relationship skills.

If you're already in couple’s counseling, this book is ideal for you. Couple’s counseling can be stressful and difficult. Often, individuals are flooded with strong emotion and tend to be easily triggered, defensive and reactive. That’s entirely understandable but sometimes going over and over the same issues can be a waste of time and resources. You can have less stress, and get the most benefit for your time and money by coming to the session already doing a great job at self-awareness and self-management. Better still, each of you could do the pre-session work of this book with the result that your couple session is highly effective and growth producing.

We also use the process extensively within a group counseling format. Individuals within the group can focus on the specific areas identified by their Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment, while the group as-a-whole can focus holistically on the tools and methods for transformational growth and change. Mutual support and encouragement from group members well versed in Mindful Choices tools is a powerful factor in individual success.

What Are the Purposes of This Book?

This book has two purposes. First, throughout the book you will be introduced to a wide variety of tools and choices for reducing relationship distress and developing foundational skills. In this regard, what we offer is very consistent with the goals of traditional counseling and psychotherapy—reducing the distress stemming from everyday relationship challenges as well as alleviating the anxiety and depression that come with other psychological and emotional issues.

Our second purpose is promoting your ability to thrive in your relationship, moving beyond dealing more effectively with day-to-day issues, to achieving a high level of mental, and emotional relationship well-being.

One of the many tools we use is called the Mindful Relating Roadmap, and it represents the total score from our 100-item Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment. Possible scores range from 0 to 200 points, with 100 points being a level we consider “normal.”

We find it very useful to talk about this general assessment of in terms of being “Above the Line,” or “Below the Line.” Below 100 points, the point along the pathway that constitutes “normal,” is where we find all the things that bring clients to our clinical services—complaints, dissatisfaction, and major relationship distress.

If you haven’t already done so, you  may choose at this point to skip ahead and take the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment. This 100 item self-test is meant to be taken each month to track progress and to highlight areas of strength as well as areas that need work. Noting your total score on your Mindful Relating Roadmap is highly motivational as you see your efforts paying off. As your score continues to rise each month you will notice a corresponding increase in overall relationship satisfaction as well as your sense of personal mastery of relationship skills.

The assessment and related forms can be downloaded at www.beingtherightpartner.com.

Figure I-2: Above the Line and Below the Line

So, this is a book about a systematic and measurable pathway for self-directed personal growth and transformation. No matter where you are on the pathway, there are choices for improving your relational abilities. It’s a matter of becoming fully conscious of your choices, cultivating an ongoing mindful focus on the choices that really matter, removing roadblocks, and actively establishing powerful new habits and routines for rich values-based relating.

Our assessment process provides you with a way of knowing where you are along the pathway, a compass for establishing direction, and a roadmap for helping you clearly see the path before you. Our ten interrelated and interdependent “Mindful Choices for Couples” encompass literally thousands of choices, large and small, for achieving mindful relating.

Self-assessment of present choices and clarification of desired future choices will sharpen your awareness and focus. Ongoing focused practice in implementing healthy choices will lead you to lasting personal transformation (Again, you may skip ahead and take the 100 item Self-Assessment at any time).

Everything we discuss is readily achievable by following a simple-to-understand step-by-step plan. We’ve kept it down to earth with an easily implemented action plan for increasing your awareness and focus, empowering you to make many large and small choices, and guiding you to follow through to achieving “relational excellence.”

Our Core Assumptions

Traditional Approaches and Change

• Much of what is done in traditional couple’s therapy doesn’t go much further than alleviating current distress, providing symptomatic relief rather than transformational growth and change.
• Sometimes traditional couple’s therapy makes things worse.
• Similarly, “talk therapy” and self-help books may not bring about needed behavioral changes unless there is increased awareness, regular focused practice, and regular and specific feedback. Change requires action—and lots of practice.
• What is considered normal couple functioning in this society falls short of a couple’s potential happiness and well-being. Normal does not mean “thriving.”
• The fast pace of modern life is a major factor in couple distress and unhappiness, and most people would be much more effective in their relationship if they knew how to slow down, take time to connect with themselves and others, and live their values in the here and now.
• Relational mindfulness skills readily carry over into the rest of your life.
• Self-care is often the key to a relationship doing well. Individuals often need to attend more to self-care in order to be fully present and effective in the couple relationship. Couple distress is often the result of two “stress casualties” being too tired and depleted  to give themselves sufficiently to the couple relationship.
• Couple therapy is most effective when attention is paid to individual growth and change, within the context of the couple system. Couple relationships succeed or fail to the degree that individuals become more self-aware of their relational self, and better at self-management.
• Individual change within the context of couple therapy is necessary to bring about meaningful change in the couple relationship.
• Many of the issues that impact a couple’s well-being originate with individual stress, anxiety, and depression resulting largely from a life out of balance.
• Much of individual lack of balance stems from distorted beliefs and negative self-talk. Being human, we all quite naturally and habitually deny, distort, and falsify reality. We behave accordingly with “automaticity” rather than being fully conscious and intentional.
• Through our beliefs and self-talk, we often disturb ourselves and create or amplify our own problems, including relationship difficulties.
• We largely disturb ourselves by what we have learned to tell ourselves. In the words of Epictetus, a first-century Stoic philosopher: “People are disturbed not by things, but by the views which they take of them.”
• We have limited control over our lives, yet we often think we must have complete control.  Much of our difficulty comes from having to have things a certain way and thinking it’s absolutely terrible if something different happens. This tendency is especially problematic within close relationships. Expecting that the initial state of “wonderful” will never change, or that your partner will always be the sweet, loving person you’re initially fell in love with, is often at the heart of the problem.
• All relationships have ups and downs.There is probably no such thing as a consistently “stable” relationship. There are periods of stability interspersed with periods of instability, growth and change.
• Resiliency is a key relationship skill. Learning to accept and even welcome change is essential. Your partner will change. They will not always be the perfect person you knew in the beginning. Your relationship will not always be easy.
• Our thinking is often dominated by “musts” and “shoulds.” We often think in absolute terms and engage in either-or thinking— either things are absolutely wonderful or absolutely terrible. Disturbing feelings and dysfunctional behaviors are usually rooted in absolutistic and irrational “musts” and “shoulds,” such as: “I absolutely must please everyone in everything I do, or I have failed and it is absolutely terrible.”

Balance, Beliefs, and Self-Talk

• We are often unaware that our difficulties stem largely from belief-driven choices.
• Much of our behavior is driven by maladaptive “schemas,” or clusters of thoughts, feelings, and behaviors learned long ago and automatically activated by current stressful “triggers.” Many of these largely unconscious schemas negatively impact relationships.
• Thoughts are just thoughts. They come and go. We can’t control our brain generating thoughts, but we can learn to control how we react to them. The solution is being mindfully aware of our thinking and neither avoiding those thoughts nor attempting to drive them out of our heads. Our demons are often empowered by our struggling against them, or by our avoiding them at all costs. The solution involves awareness, acceptance, and choice.
• The quality of our lives, and our relationships, is the sum-total of all our choices. Practicing those choices to the point of having powerful, positive habits completes the picture. You are what you do, and it’s the doing, again and again, that reshapes your life.
• Insight alone is not sufficient for lasting change.
• Happiness, well-being, and great relationships are at least 40 percent about choices, and those choices can be fully conscious and intentional.
• You can actually choose happiness.
• About 40 to 45 percent of what we believe to be our choices are not conscious and intentional, and are in reality habits—habits of the mind, behavioral habits, and even emotional habits. Many of our habits work well for us, but many others are bad habits. We are often unaware that they are habits at all, or that we have the power to change them.
• You cannot change what you are not aware of.
• With awareness and a systematic approach to change, new positive habits can be created.
• As new habits are created, new circuits are created in the brain. This is neuroplasticity. Self-directed neuroplasticity is a process of taking charge of habits you want to change and habits you want to develop. It’s a process of using your mind to change your brain.
• We have vast potential for positive growth and change based upon our choices, yet many people are unaware they possess this power. You cannot make choices if you’re unaware of the possibilities for choice or your capacity for choice.
• Thriving in your relationship is not simply getting rid of the negative aspects of your life together, but also realizing that there are choices for promoting relational excellence.
• Well-being, happiness, and a great relationship are not accidental or about luck. We make choices. The trick is turning those choices into powerful and enduring habits.
• Well-being, happiness, and a great relationship are not the result of a single decision or choice, but rather result from many values-based choices, large and small, with those choices consistently repeated until they become enduring habits.
• Well-being, happiness, and a great relationship are not to be found at a destination or station at which you arrive, but are rather the byproducts of how you are traveling—moment by moment, choice by choice.
• Life becomes much simpler when choices are based upon values. Values-based choices lead to a life of meaning and balance.
• Success is living your values. Values give meaning to life. Happiness is finding meaning and purpose in each day.
• A successful relationship is values-driven.
• Mindful awareness, openness to feedback, and a feedback-rich environment form the foundation for healthy and positive choices. A life characterized by well-being, happiness, and a great relationship results from a definite structure: mindful awareness, conscious choices, regular feedback, and consistent practice.
• Compassion for self and others is absolutely essential for personal growth and transformation.
• Mindful awareness is the foundation for self-compassion and compassion for others.
• Unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional acceptance of others are prerequisites for well-being, happiness, and a great relationship. This means viewing your behaviors objectively and sometimes critically but NEVER taking it a step further and globally or totally rating yourself as a person.
• All beliefs and behaviors are purposeful. They all exist to help you meet your needs or avoid pain. Some, however, are maladaptive, ineffective, or destructive.
• Recognize that each part of you—each trait, behavior, or habit— came into existence to help you. It is important to adopt a nonjudgmental attitude and investigate that quality mindfully with curiosity, patience, and compassion.
• No matter what is going on, no matter what relationship problem you are facing, no matter how much distress you are in, one or more of our Ten Mindful Choices for Couples will help.
• Our Ten Mindful Choices for Couples are interrelated. Progress in one Mindful Choice area often means making progress in other areas as well. These choices are known as Keystone habits.
• Having a good working knowledge of Mindful Choices, being mindful of situations calling for Mindful Choices skills, and regularly practicing their application means you will be able to use these “foundational skills” when needed, instead of turning habitually to ineffective or destructive knee-jerk reactions.
• Transformation can be self-directed and should not be expensive. While a therapist or counselor who believes in your capacity for change can be very helpful, such a guide is often not essential. With the help of our Mindful Choices for Couples program, you can develop the tools to effectively become your own couple therapist.

Choices and Habits

• The quality of our lives, and our relationships, is the sum-total of all our choices. Practicing those choices to the point of having powerful, positive habits completes the picture. You are what you do, and it’s the doing, again and again, that reshapes your life.
• Insight alone is not sufficient for lasting change.
• Happiness, well-being, and great relationships are at least 40 percent about choices, and those choices can be fully conscious and intentional.
• You can actually choose happiness.
• About 40 to 45 percent of what we believe to be our choices are not conscious and intentional, and are in reality habits—habits of the mind, behavioral habits, and even emotional habits. Many of our habits work well for us, but many others are bad habits. We are often unaware that they are habits at all, or that we have the power to change them.
• You cannot change what you are not aware of.
• With awareness and a systematic approach to change, new positive habits can be created.
• As new habits are created, new circuits are created in the brain. This is neuroplasticity. Self-directed neuroplasticity is a process of taking charge of habits you want to change and habits you want to develop. It’s a process of using your mind to change your brain.
• We have vast potential for positive growth and change based upon our choices, yet many people are unaware they possess this power. You cannot make choices if you’re unaware of the possibilities for choice or your capacity for choice.
• Thriving in your relationship is not simply getting rid of the negative aspects of your life together, but also realizing that there are choices for promoting relational excellence.

Well-Being, Happiness, and a Great relationship

• Well-being, happiness, and a great relationship are not accidental or about luck. We make choices. The trick is turning those choices into powerful and enduring habits.
• Well-being, happiness, and a great relationship are not the result of a single decision or choice, but rather result from many values-based choices, large and small, with those choices consistently repeated until they become enduring habits.
• Well-being, happiness, and a great relationship are not to be found at a destination or station at which you arrive, but are rather the byproducts of how you are traveling—moment by moment, choice by choice.
• Life becomes much simpler when choices are based upon values. Values-based choices lead to a life of meaning and balance.
• Success is living your values. Values give meaning to life. Happiness is finding meaning and purpose in each day.
• A successful relationship is values-driven.
• Mindful awareness, openness to feedback, and a feedback-rich environment form the foundation for healthy and positive choices. A life characterized by well-being, happiness, and a great relationship results from a definite structure: mindful awareness, conscious choices, regular feedback, and consistent practice.
• Compassion for self and others is absolutely essential for personal growth and transformation.
• Mindful awareness is the foundation for self-compassion and compassion for others.
• Unconditional self-acceptance and unconditional acceptance of others are prerequisites for well-being, happiness, and a great relationship. This means viewing your behaviors objectively and sometimes critically but NEVER taking it a step further and globally or totally rating yourself as a person.
• All beliefs and behaviors are purposeful. They all exist to help you meet your needs or avoid pain. Some, however, are maladaptive, ineffective, or destructive.
• Recognize that each part of you—each trait, behavior, or habit— came into existence to help you. It is important to adopt a nonjudgmental attitude and investigate that quality mindfully with curiosity, patience, and compassion.

Our Ten Mindful Choices

• No matter what is going on, no matter what relationship problem you are facing, no matter how much distress you are in, one or more of our Ten Mindful Choices for Couples will help.
• Our Ten Mindful Choices for Couples are interrelated. Progress in one Mindful Choice area often means making progress in other areas as well. These choices are known as Keystone habits.
• Having a good working knowledge of Mindful Choices, being mindful of situations calling for Mindful Choices skills, and regularly practicing their application means you will be able to use these “foundational skills” when needed, instead of turning habitually to ineffective or destructive knee-jerk reactions.
• Transformation can be self-directed and should not be expensive. While a therapist or counselor who believes in your capacity for change can be very helpful, such a guide is often not essential. With the help of our Mindful Choices for Couples program, you can develop the tools to effectively become your own couple therapist.

Four Pillars

Our work is based upon nearly forty years of clinical and personal experience and represents an integration of diverse approaches. While we have included applications from theoretical approaches, such as object relations, social learning theory, cognitive behavioral strategies, interpersonal or systems theory, and systems thinking, there is a primary emphasis on the following Four Pillars:

1. Mindfulness, contemplative practices, Buddhist psychology, Stoicism.

2. Mindfulness and acceptance-based behavioral therapies, such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction (MBSR), and Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). A significant part of this book is inspired by ACT, and we will therefore focus much attention on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. We also draw heavily upon Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), utilizing the earlier form Rational Emotive Therapy (RET). We include Compassion Focused Therapy (CFT) and Schema Therapy (ST).

3. Positive psychology and the science of happiness and wellbeing.

4. Neuroscience and brain-based change strategies, psychobiology, mind-body medicine, and cognitive neuroscience.

Although we have been open to whatever is useful and evidence-based from a wide variety of sources, we have worked to make sure that there is nothing inconsistent or contradictory within our work. For example, wherever we have utilized cognitive strategies, we have made sure that they are consistent with our focus on developing the qualities of moment-to-moment, non-judgmental mindful awareness and acceptance of internal experience, rather than a reliance on distraction, symptom management, development of competing behaviors, or avoidance. We emphasize one such approach, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), the most useful strategy we have found for moving from mindful awareness of present choices to values-driven choices.

Similarly, we have incorporated major findings from the relatively new field of positive psychology, and with amazing compatibility, we draw upon 2,500 years of wisdom in the application of the practice of mindfulness to all aspects of human existence. Neuroscience completes the picture with new understanding of how our brains work, an understanding leading to powerful insights for overcoming our built-in negativity bias while cultivating greater happiness and well-being in our lives.

Most intriguing, recent brain research powerfully demonstrates the validity of ancient teachings on mindfulness and acceptance. Thus, neuroscience is a bridge connecting ancient wisdom with cognitive behavioral therapies via high-tech twenty-first-century science. Increasingly, an understanding of neuroscience has led to extremely useful evidence-based behavior change strategies that work through actual changes in brain function.

These four perspectives are interrelated when it comes to goal setting, focusing on psychological strengths, utilizing mindfulness skills, and clarifying values and meaning in life.

Let’s take a brief look at each of the Four Pillars.

1. Mindfulness, contemplative practices, Buddhist psychology, Stoicism.

Mindfulness is present-moment awareness, or conscious awareness of all that is happening in the here and now. It’s having an open and receptive attitude without judgment. It’s having an attitude of curiosity and a willingness to turn toward one’s experience rather than away from it.

Mindfulness is nothing less than a way of living your life with alertness and presence. It’s a process of awareness rather than thinking. It’s about paying attention to your experience in the present moment rather than being captivated by your thoughts. It’s about being fully present in the “here and now” rather than ruminating about the past or worrying about the future. It involves an attitude of openness and curiosity, no matter how difficult or painful your experience may be, rather than running from your experience or doing battle with it. It involves flexibility of attention with the ability to direct your focus to particular aspects of your experience.

Contemplative practices can be difficult to describe, as there is no single contemplative practice. Basically, these practices involve moment-by-moment awareness and deepening concentration, understanding, and insight. They involve disciplined attention that is even more essential in our highly stressed society, a society characterized by fragmentation, multitasking, information overload, ever-increasing speed, and ceaseless distractions.

Many of these practices are discussed in this book, and we will provide you with resources for pursuing specific practices further. These practices include, but are by no means limited to, various forms of meditation, visualization, journaling, yoga, Qigong, Tai chi, attentive listening, music, and dance.

Buddhist psychology is a nonreligious source of great ideas for wellbeing. Throughout the book we will draw upon Buddhist ideas, such as the practice of mindfulness, compassion for self and others, acceptance, practicing loving kindness, and dealing with emotional pain realistically without making it worse.

Stoicism, the basis for all cognitive behavioral therapies, had its beginnings in ancient Greece and grew to maturity in Rome. While the current meaning of “stoic” refers to someone who is uncomplaining and rather passive, the real meaning of stoicism has more to do with being toughminded and resilient in the face of difficulties. Historical Stoics, such as Epictetus, Seneca, and Marcus Aurelius, saw pursuing reason as a pathway to a virtuous life and tranquility. Decades ago, Bill’s mentor, Albert Ellis, brought renewed interest in Stoicism to psychology. In Chapters 9 and 13 you will be introduced to Rational Emotive Therapy, our primary tool for becoming mindful of ways we disturb ourselves.

2. Mindfulness and acceptance-based behavioral therapies such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT), or RET in it’s earlier form. Also, Compassion focused therapy (CFT) and Schema Therapy (ST) are referenced throughout the book.

Mindfulness is central to psychotherapeutic modalities such as Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction (MBSR) and Mindfulness based Cognitive Therapy (MBCT). Mindfulness is also embraced by practitioners of positive psychology who see mindfulness practice as a foundation for facilitating a number of healthy skills and behaviors, therefore making it more likely that those choices will be consistently made in decreasing negative mood, enhancing positive mood, or enhancing positive feelings and thoughts about yourself and your relation to your world and your future.

Although there are several approaches in this category, here we will focus largely on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT). ACT is a radical departure from traditional Western psychotherapy practices. It is mindfulness-based and values-oriented and emphasizes non-religious Buddhist psychology. Drawing upon the Buddhist notion that human suffering is inevitable, ACT similarly sees difficult thoughts and feelings as an inevitable part of the human condition, and not something that must be gotten rid of. Attempts to avoid pain often magnify it rather than eliminate it.

The name ACT stems from “acceptance” of what is outside your personal control, and “commitment” to values-based choices for enriching life. According to Joseph Ciarrochi, Todd B Kashdan, and Russ Harris in their article, “The Foundations of Flourishing”:

“The aim of ACT is, quite simply, to maximize human potential for a rich, full, and meaningful life. ACT (which is pronounced as the word “ACT,” not as the initials A.C.T.) Does this by a) teaching you mindfulness skills to deal with your painful thoughts and feelings effectively – in such a way that they have much less impact and influence over you; and b) helping you to clarify your core values, and use that knowledge to guide, inspire, and motivate committed action.”

Based on Stoicism, Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy (REBT) is based on the idea that we disturb ourselves by things we have learned to tell ourselves. We use an earlier version of REBT created in the late 1950s by Albert Ellis. Rational emotive therapy or RET is a remarkably easy process for discovering your specific irrational beliefs. As such, it’s a great mindfulness tool as you soon find yourself being more conscious of your negative self-talk and dysfunctional beliefs. Once fully aware, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) provides a quick and effective way to simply notice irrational beliefs, determine whether they are useful or helpful, and choose to continue on, guided by your goals and values.

Compassion Focused Therapy integrates science-based approaches with mind-training practices dating back thousands of years. CFT’s foundation is in evolutionary psychology, affective neuroscience, attachment theory, behaviorism, and cognitive behavioral therapy. CFT is particularly helpful in overcoming shame and self-criticism. In the words of Russell L Kolts, PhD, author of CFT Made Simple: A Clinician’s Guide to Practicing Compassion-Focused Therapy:

“Compassion gives us a way to turn toward the things that scare us—with kindness, wisdom, and courage—and to work with them. When we stop trying to avoid discomfort, we can turn toward suffering and look deeply into it, so we can come to understand the causes and conditions that create it—perhaps even learning enough to help make things better.”

Developed originally by Jeffrey Young and others in 1990, Schema Therapy is a rather recent development in psychotherapy. In this book we will frequently make reference to schemas and modes.

Schemas are about the ways we see ourselves, others, and our world. You might think of schemas as clusters of thoughts, feelings and behaviors that usually originate when core needs are not fully met in childhood or adolescence. They begin as early patterns of coping or making sense of things and then become etched into our memory through difficult early experiences. They operate like an unseen computer program playing in the background, waiting to be  triggered by current stressors. However while they might have served a purpose during childhood, they are maladaptive and rather mindless ways of responding as adults and account for why we keep doing the same things over and over again even though our actions are often self-defeating or dysfunctional.

While schemas can be thought of as personality traits, schema modes are “states.” Modes are combinations of behaviors and schemas and can be either adaptive or maladaptive. They can be very brief or long-term, and can rapidly change.

An understanding of your schemas and modes can be immensely powerful in shaping positive choices and powerful positive habits.

3. Positive psychology and the science of happiness and well-being.

The aim of positive psychology is to make available all that has been learned about healthy living and well-being. Like ACT, the aim of positive psychology is the promotion of human flourishing. Major working assumptions of positive psychology are that thriving is not simply getting rid of negative aspects of life, and that there are choices for promoting healthy living and well-being.

4. Neuroscience and brain-based change strategies, psychobiology, mind-body medicine and cognitive neuroscience.

A relatively new term in scientific vocabulary is “neuroplasticity.” We now know that you can use your mind to actually bring about structural changes in your brain. According to Daniel J Siegel, author of The Mindful Brain, “neurons that fire together wire together.” In other words, “repeated firing of neurons in specific areas result in markedly increased synaptic densities in those regions that are activated with mindful practice.” Siegel goes on to state that “Mindful awareness is a form of experience that seems to promote neuroplasticity.” Purposely paying attention to the present moment seems to stimulate the brain to promote growth in specific brain regions associated with the creation of well-being.

Much of our work builds upon what brain research says about developing habits. You are constantly creating habits, good ones and bad ones, and you create them for a reason. Your brain, literally the most complex thing in the universe, uses about 20 percent of total body energy. Still, despite this enormous energy supply, your brain would quickly be overwhelmed if it had to deal with the incredible flow of information coming at you each second. Consider, for example, driving your car. If you were conscious of each and every detail, you’d have to focus on thousands of pieces of information and make thousands of decisions. You probably wouldn’t get very far. Your brain’s solution is the creation of habits. Anything you do more than once is on its way to becoming a habit, thus freeing up your brain to tackle more complex situations. Throughout this book, we will be guiding you step by step in the transformation of basic mindful choices into powerful and enduring habits for well-being.

In short, brain research has led to an understanding of how to rewire your brain, freeing you from destructive ways of thinking and behaving, while building on choices that utilize your values and strengths, choices that lead to resilience and well-being, or “thriving.” We will be discussing how you can use specific brain-based practices, such as memory reconsolidation or coherence therapy, and other strategies, such as mental contrasting, intention implementation, and visualization meditation.

This has been a brief introduction to our “Four Pillars.” More will follow throughout the book.

Also, throughout the book we will reference numerous other writers and researchers. We have received extensive training from John and Julie Gottman as well as training in Imago Relationship Therapy (Harville Hendrix), and the Couple Communication work of Shirrod and Phyllis Miller. The Gottman work in particular has been amazing and valuable. The Gottmans have for many years done more sound and meaningful research on relationships than anyone else, and we are in their debt.

A Look Ahead

In Part I you will learn about love, attachment and the relationship paradox — why we are often so bad at getting what we want the most from relationships. You will gain an awareness and understanding of relational neurobiology, attachment issues, and maladaptive schema, along with emotional intelligence. Having an understanding of these things can be invaluable in making your relationship work, and work well.

In Part II you will learn why choices matter, how you can become more mindful of your choices, and how to transform positive choices into enduring habits. You will learn about Mindful Choices Therapy and the Mindful Choices Model for cultivating strengths and new ways of being.

In Part III you will be presented with the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment, a 100-item self-test covering the ten Mindful Choice areas.

Part IV is an Action Planning Guide that gives you step-by-step guidance for systematically becoming masterful in each relationship choice area.

Our Epilogue leads you to reflect on "the Road Ahead: Changes, Transitions, and Revitalization." We're assuming you're wanting a lasting relationship and all long-term relationships go through changes and transitions. We will look at how to keep your relationship stress, alive, and growing over many years.

Finally, our website www.beingtherightpartnery.com presents you with related forms, articles, and additional resources. More information about our work can be found at www.beingtherightpartnery.com and www.calmchoices.com.

You have begun an important journey, and one that will be transformational. We begin in Chapter 1: So, what is love anyway, and why do you need it?

Carpe diem!

References

Duhigg, C. (2012). The Power of Habit. New York: Random House. Kindle Edition

Ellis, A. (1975). A New Guide to Rational Living. New York, NY: Wilshire.

Ellis, A. (1998). How to Control Your Anxiety before Controls You. New York, NY: Citadel Press Books.

Ellis, A. (2016). How to Stubbornly Refuse to Make Yourself Miserable about Anything: Yes, Anything. New York, NY: Citadel Press Books.

Kashdan, T., & Ciarrochi, J. (Eds.)(2013). Mindfulness, Acceptance, and Positive Psychology. Oakland, CA: Context Press an Imprint of New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Kolts, R. (2016). CFT Made Simple: A Clinician’s Guide to Practicing CompassionFocused Therapy. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, Inc.

Neal, D.T., Wood, W., Quinn J.M. (2006). Habits -A Repeat Performance. Current Directions in Psychological Science, vol. 15 no. 4; p: 198-202; Accessed at: https:// dornsife.usc.edu/ assets/ sites/ 208/ docs/ Neal.Wood.Quinn. 2006. pdf

Seligman, M. (2012). Flourish: A Visionary New Understanding of Happiness and Well-Being. New York, NY: Atria Books.

Siegel, D. (2007). The Mindful Brain: Reflection and Attunement in the Cultivation of Well-Being. New York, NY: W.W. Norton and Company, Inc.

Society for Personality and Social Psychology. (2014, August 8). How We Form Habits, Change Existing Ones. ScienceDaily.Accessed June 4, 2016 at www.sciencedaily.com/ releases/ 2014/ 08/ 140808111931. Htm