Chapter 7: H42: An Advanced Practice for Couples
Important: Please take the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment prior to H42 as that basic assessment is the first step in H42.
Chapter 6 introduced you to the above chart. This chapter will take you even further along the “Path of Mindful Awareness, Conscious Intention and Choices.” Your reward? You will notice an incredible boost in your relational skillfulness and sense of well-being.
We are creatures of habit. As we have said previously, at least 40% of everything you do, say, think, or feel is habitual. If you usually get defensive, it's a habit. If you automatically avoid conflict, it's a habit. If you are prone to shut down emotionally, it's a habit. If you have to be right, it's a habit. If you have to win, it's a habit, if you have to fix things, it's a habit. If you routinely deny there's a problem, it's a habit. Avoidance is a habit.
Habits are happening all the time, and largely beyond our awareness. You don't know what you don't know — until you do.
Okay, you get it. Our bad habits get in the way of having a satisfying relationship, and just about all of us have some bad relationship habits. It's not anyone's fault. No one is to blame. It's just our programming, and our pre-programmed reactions are hardwired into our brains as habits.
For the most part, we're on autopilot, living out our script, a script written long ago, probably in childhood. It's usually a script we developed to avoid pain, and avoiding pain is the most natural thing in the world for us humans. We don’t choose our script. It's more blind learning and conditioning rather than conscious choice. It's a largely unconscious learned script that becomes more resistant to change over time. With each new hurtful experience, each new wounding, the script is reinforced and strengthened— and one way or another, we all get wounded.
Let’s check in with Matt and Beverly.
Matt and Beverly sat at their breakfast table on one of those rare weekday mornings where neither one had to race off to work. Their conversation ranged from the kids' activities to getting better nutrition to finding someone to repair the garage door. It was Beverly who brought up their weekly marriage counseling.
"I think our counseling has been going well. Since we started doing the monthly assessment, and we've each been working on our daily choice area, I'm enjoying being together a lot more."
Matt replied: "Yeah, I don't feel so anxious when we talk about issues, and I've become much more aware of things I could do better I catch myself starting to be defensive, and then I simply choose to slow down and try to understand you better. It's gotten easier to just put my own stuff on the back burner, relax, and listen to you. I don't have to start talking before I've taken the time to make sure I understand you, and let you know that I understand. Now I understand what being mindful really means. It means I should stop rehearsing my counter argument while you're talking. Instead I should just tune in."
Beverly nodded in agreement. "Yes, it's been easier. It's so much more fun now to be together. We don't have to agree on things, but we do have to hear each other. There's always going to be a lot to disagree on, but we can certainly disagree agreeably. By the way, the daily choice I've been working on is Choice 6, De-Escalating Conflict. What's your Choice?"
Matt replied: "I'm working on Choice 7, Assertive, Open, and Self-Revealing. I remind myself every morning to be mindful about how I relate to you, and my scores are getting better. I'm also getting ready to do that advanced practice Dr. S. told us about, the one the Shearers call H42. I guess it's about choosing 10 items out of the 100 item self-assessment that I would like you to work on. I'm a little nervous about showing you my choices."
"Me too," replied Beverly. "However, I can certainly see the logic behind it. I'm starting to put my list together. Let's agree to do it with the right attitude, without getting defensive. Dr. S says we should view the 10 items we've been given as a gift. Can we do that?"
"You bet!" Matt was seeing how this practice could be useful. In fact, he was looking forward to getting started.
How good do you want to be as a relationship partner? Can you imagine showing up in your relationship with minimal autopilot reactivity, hardly any defensiveness, great listening skills, empathy and compassion, clear and assertive communication, being caring and nurturing but having healthy boundaries, and handling conflict masterfully? Can you imagine shedding bad relationship habits (we all have them), and developing strong positive habits that continuously enhance your relationship?
No, this is not fantasy. Our plan is research-based and draws heavily upon what neuroscience has to say about how we form habits and how we change habits. Until you embark on habit change you’re going to keep doing the same things over and over again, no matter how ineffectual, painful, or destructive those habits are to you and your partner. Are you aware of your habits? There’s a good chance you don’t even see your relationship behaviors as largely habitual.
One way or another, we all get wounded, and we all develop protective responses. It’s entirely normal but sometimes those protective responses cause us to distance ourselves from the people we need the most. Sometimes our protective responses are relationship destroyers.
There is a problem with most couple therapy, relationship classes, or self-help books. It's all good information, but only that, just information. It's not enough to bring about real change. Learning something about how relationships work, or having insight about what's really happening in your relationship, is helpful but generally not enough to bring about lasting change. That's because bad relationship habits have already been incorporated into the neural structure of your brain.
That’s what habits are, neural connections that help your brain conserve energy and perform operations automatically by default— In other words "mindlessly." That's what gets us into trouble. We have many positive habits, but unfortunately, we also develop negative habits incredibly resistant to change.
No, it’s not hopeless. We have a solution.
The solution is self-directed neuroplasticity. Neuroscience over the past dozen years has shown us how to effectively turn temporary learning and experience into lasting positive changes in the brain. You can become mindfully aware of bad habits and you can systematically weaken them while building strong positive foundational relationship habits.
The secret is cultivating mindful awareness, choosing positive behaviors, and engaging in daily self-monitoring and course correction. Our term for the process of self-directed neuroplasticity is “Habitualizing.” It’s literally using your mind to change your brain.
In our relationship counseling practice, we ask couples to take the 100 item Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment and then choose one of the ten choice areas to focus on each day until time to move to another choice area. Daily self-assessment of the chosen 10 relationship statements can lead to heightened awareness of positive choices, increasingly making those choices, while practicing positive relational habits— In other words, Habitualizing!
Here we're going to introduce you to a powerful variation, Habitualizing for Two, or H42. It’s a practice we find personally helpful, even though we are well into our fourth decade of marriage.
After you and your partner have each taken the hundred item Mindful Choices for Couples self-assessment, a self-assessment you will be taking monthly, take some time to thoughtfully pick 10 items out of the 100 items that you would like your partner to practice. Your partner will do the same, picking 10 items that he or she would most like to see you practice. (You can cut and paste from the 100 item assessment to create your 10 item H42 assessments.) Each of you needs to agree to do your new 10 item H42 assessment each day for the next 30 days. At the end of 30 days the two of you can review what's happened within your relationship and agree to continue this process as is, or you may elect to have a new mix of the 10 items, eliminating items that are easily mastered and replacing them with items that are more challenging.
This new assessment should take only five minutes a day for scoring and annotation of your profile sheet. For best results continue working on your choice of one of the 10 item choice areas as well.
With this variation you have the opportunity to not only continue developing strong powerful foundational skills, but you also have the opportunity to fine-tune your "Habitualizing" process to the specific needs of your partner. Remember, you can't change anything you're not aware of and the chances are your partner can point you to significant behaviors for you to fine tune.
Each morning, take your H42 assessment looking back on the last 24 hours. Next, add your scores to the scoring sheet, total them, divide by two, and add your final score to the profile sheet.
For most of our clients, the morning assessment becomes an enjoyable challenge. Day by day you will find yourself becoming more aware, and you quite naturally start looking for opportunities to improve your scores for tomorrow's assessment. Moreover, you will find yourself being aware of opportunities "in the now," in the present moment.
You will find yourself starting to react with an old ineffectual or destructive habit, and you will instead pause mindfully and then move in the direction of valued relationship behaviors. You will be asking yourself—what can I offer my relationship in this moment?
You'll discover your scores drifting upward over time, ultimately being consistently in the "optimal" area. This may take quite a while but when your scores are regularly in the optimal area you are building lasting habits. These positive habit are what makes you great as a relationship partner.
Your partner will have provided you with a HUGE opportunity to become aware and skillful in your relationship– an opportunity to develop relational excellence.
However, here is a HUGE caution.
We know from decades of experience that many of our clients will be bothered by their partner choosing 10 items for them to work on. Many will respond with questions such as "Why did you choose that? What's wrong with the way I'm doing it now?" You may feel attacked. You may find yourself proclaiming your innocence or wanting to give examples of how your partner is getting it all wrong, once again. You may find yourself having hurt feelings. You may find yourself thinking that you're not appreciated and that your partner is simply blind to all that you are doing right.
Be aware that any reaction from the last paragraph is a defensive or protective reaction. Such reactions are part of the problem – and they are the habits we seek to change
Accept your partner’s choices as a GIFT. Yes, you read that correctly. Your partner is trusting you enough to share what would matter most to them. It may be that you are already doing these things but your partner likes them so much they'd like to see them even more. In any event, you won’t have to guess about your partner's needs. They're literally giving you a roadmap, in fact a treasure map indicating where the treasure is to be found. Accept it as a special and valuable gift.
We want you to approach this exercise as an opportunity. If each of you sincerely and enthusiastically embraces this task, you'll probably notice a marked improvement in relationship satisfaction, along with solid growth as a partner in the relationship.
Before you begin, take the following relationship pledge:
- I accept that I am part of our relationship difficulties and I am also part of the solution.
- I take responsibility for developing greater self-awareness and greater self-management.
- I will refrain from analyzing or judging my partner’s item choices, instead embracing the opportunity to learn and practice behaviors that matter to my partner.
- I will cease all judgment and criticism of how well my partner is doing on his or her practice. I will be supportive and encouraging.
- I will accept this practice as a "work in progress," a practice that takes time and patience.
The couples we work with have found our H42 experience to be very meaningful and perhaps the most powerful tool in our Mindful Choices Therapy for Couples Toolkit. However, our biggest challenge as couple therapists is getting some of our clients to approach it with the right attitude and diligently do the daily practice of assessing and recording.
If you do it, and do it with a good attitude, you should get amazing results.
Unfortunately, some partners proclaim they already know all of this and they simply don't need any additional training. They're wrong! All of us could do better. All of us have bad habits when it comes to relationships and the degree to which you can improve is virtually limitless.
Some partners claim they don't have the time. Incredible! They come to us because the relationship is in trouble, often because the relationship is already not getting enough time and attention.
In keeping with what we've learned from neuroscience, we've kept the task of H42 ridiculously simple and easily accomplished with minimal time – less than five minutes a day. We're quite sure that your dental hygienist wants you to spend more time than that flossing the teeth you wish to keep. Here we're talking about spending a little time on the relationship you wish to keep.
Consider that if you are proclaiming you already know all this, or don't have the time for “homework,” you may simply be acknowledging your part of the problem.
We have provided you with the following form, available for downloading on our website: www.beingtherightpartner.com. It's actually two forms in one, the top half is for 31 days of scoring and the bottom half is your 31 day profile sheet. You can continue with additional profile sheets as long as necessary to be performing in the optimal area consistently. That's where habit formation takes place.
Figure 7-1: Scoring and Profile forms
So, here's our suggestion. Take the Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment monthly, recording your results. Each month use the same profile sheet but with a different color so that you can see your progress. Take your 10 item “Choice” self-assessment daily and track your results. When both you and your partner are ready, add the H42 variation (in addition to your daily “Choice” practice), continuing as long as needed.
The mix of items in your H42 practice can be changed as needed. We recommend that as you finish 31 days of self-monitoring, you take a look at the items that were consistently scored "4." Perhaps they are no longer needed. In that case, eliminate them and go back to the 100 item Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment, and pick items that are more challenging. That way you will continuously upgrade the mix of items for maximum benefit in challenging the status quo and building new habits.
There are other tools that enhance H42 such as the WOOP method, Mental Contrasting, Implementation Intention, Visualization Meditation, and daily journaling. These were discussed in detail in Chapter 5, but H42 alone will lead to major change.
Now you have our “advanced” practice for achieving relational excellence.
Carpe diem!
References:
Shearer, W. & Shearer, R. (2017)). Mindful Choices for Well-Being: Mindful Awareness, Great Choices, Powerful Habits-with Mindful Choices Therapy. Indianapolis, IN: Dog Ear Publishing.