Chapter 9
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Note: Scoring Sheet and Profile Sheet can be found at the end of this chapter, and can be downloaded at www.beingtherightpartner.com
Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment
DIRECTIONS: Under each description, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the past week. Record the number that best applies on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
0 = not true at all, or 0 percent; 1 = mostly not true, or 25 percent; 2 = partially true, or 50 percent; 3 = largely true, or 75 percent; 4 = totally true, or 95–100 percent
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
1. INTENTION
a. I believe this relationship is important and should be maintained. I accept that as my goal and my behavior and willingness to work this program demonstrates my commitment.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I believe that one person can change our interaction. I take responsibility for initiating changes that help each of us feel listened to, understood, and secure in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I believe our differences are mostly a case of differing perceptions and differences in our personalities, and that we mainly need to understand and respect personality differences and one another's perceptions. Even though our perceptions may be quite different, I am working to understand your personality and perceptions and I respect that you and I are different in many ways.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I believe I can change the way I relate to you and that these changes will help our relationship. I am actively and non-defensively seeking opportunities to demonstrate positive relationship behaviors, making changes where they will benefit the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I believe conflicts are inevitable in a relationship and are an opportunity for relationship growth. I accept the need to work with conflict in a positive, relationship enhancing way, and I’m making progress.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I know that our conflicts are not simply about who is right and who is wrong, or who did what to whom. I believe I need to understand your emotional experience, accurately and non-defensively tuning into your feelings and needs. My ultimate goal is for each of us being able to communicate our feelings and needs in a way that is more likely to produce a positive response. I intend to actively encourage you to share your needs and feelings, and I intend to be enthusiastic about hearing and understanding you. I am making this my focus.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I intend to acknowledge, understand and respect your needs, emotions, values, and frustrations, and I am placing my own needs and feelings on the back burner until I am fully understanding where you are coming from. I am making progress.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I may feel anger and resentment toward you but I will not let those feelings get in the way of me helping you feel closeness and security in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I believe you and I share the same basic human need, a need for secure emotional connection. I will not be sidetracked by surface issues.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I intend to have safe and meaningful conversations with you, conversations that help us heal old wounds, develop trust, and deeper satisfaction in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2______________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 1, Intention, is found in Chapter 10. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 1 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
2. MINDFUL SELF-AWARENESS
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I am aware when my self -talk and beliefs are influencing my behavior and choices as I'm responding to conflict. I am working to become more aware of my self-talk and beliefs, and better able to redirect my self-talk in a way that is relationship enhancing.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I am aware of my physical state when I'm responding to conflict. I’m aware of being “up-tight,” indicated by rapid or shallow upper chest breathing and increased muscle tension. I’m using that awareness as a reminder, or cue, to slow myself down, take a “mindful pause,” be less defensive, and more open to what my you want to tell me.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I recognize in myself tendencies to be defensive and self-protecting, and I am able to catch myself in the present moment being defensive or about to be defensive. I am increasingly able to quickly shift to being open and non-defensive.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I recognize my difficulties in seeing your point of view during conflict, particularly when I am upset or angry. I am slowing things down, creating a “mindful spause” and increasingly seeing your point of view.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. When there is a dispute or conflict, I quickly see my choices as between being open and non-defensive, or closed and protected. I choose to be open and non-defensive.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I respond to conflict by slowing my breathing, breathing from my diaphragm, and softening my self-talk.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I catch myself being on autopilot, stuck in in the past, responding in an ineffective habitual way to present challenges, or stuck in an anxious focus on the future in ways that are detrimental to the relationship. I am growing in my ability to break out of either a past or future orientation and instead respond calmly to present circumstances with mindfulness and emotional intelligence.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I recognize the existence of “schema,” old patterns of relating to the world, patterns developed during stressful times or times when my core needs were not being met during childhood or adolescence. I recognize that these schema are sometimes triggered by current stresses. I am growing in my awareness of how the past influences my behaving in the present, and I am making progress in breaking free of old patterns.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I’m making progress in developing mindful awareness, the ability to be fully present in the here and now, neither ruminating about past events, or worrying about the future. Instead, I am increasingly able to be mindfully aware and intentional, consistently behaving with mindfulness, clear and positive intention, and emotional intelligence.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I believe the essence of being masterful in a relationship is self-awareness and self-management. I’m making progress in focusing on my own awareness and growth in managing how I show up in the relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2_______________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 2, Mindful Self-Awareness is found in Chapter 11. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 2 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
3. CHOICE AND SELF-MANAGEMENT
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I am improving my ability to make bids (moves toward connection) and respond positively to your bids for connection. I use my mindful awareness of the present situation to consciously turn toward you rather than away from you or against you. I make “bids” that clearly communicate my desire for positive connection with you.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I choose active constructive responses to you. I respond to you actively and constructively rather than responding with passivity, avoidance, defensiveness, criticism, or destructive anger. I consistently soften my self-talk and open to you. The “tone” of my self-talk is soft, gentle, and caring. I allow myself to be vulnerable. I take risks in revealing my needs and feelings.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I am noticing small encounters that don’t necessarily involve conflict as opportunities to practice active constructive responding. I engage with you, listen to you, and respond to you actively and constructively. I respond to you with a relaxed body and a relaxed and open stance that communicates interest and a desire to know and understand you.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I manage my defensiveness, impatience and/or frustration which normally lead me to interrupt or talk over you. Instead, I’m willing to take turns, allowing you to speak freely without interruption.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I refrain from premature problem-solving. Instead, I listen carefully and I listen for understanding, not for ideas I oppose. I recognize problem-solving behaviors as having a high potential for getting in the way of connection and moving together in new ways.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I recognize conversations that are counterproductive and possibly damaging to our relationship. I can admit my mistakes and apologize when I’m wrong. I realize I’m not perfect in this relationship, and I intend to do better. I invite you to enter in a more constructive dialogue, one in which both of us feel listened to and understood, and for each of us, our deep need for love and connection is being addressed.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. Although a central task in couple conversation is understanding what you want to tell me, I do not get lost in analyzing what you are saying. I don’t get fixated on factual content. Instead, I strive to experience and understand your emotions. I experience you as an emotional being like myself and I am working to understand and appreciate your emotions.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I notice the “busyness” of my mind when you are talking. I notice when my mind wanders or when I jump ahead to my own agenda. I’m getting better at noticing these qualities and bringing my attention back to what you’re saying. I stay “present” with you.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I deal with painful or distressing communication without being “flooded,” in other words being overwhelmed by strong emotion. I accept difficult feelings, make space for them, and work with them without overreacting or trying to make unpleasant feelings go away.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I am making progress on increasing my ability to rapidly shift mentally, physically, and emotionally from defensive and reactive, to calm, open, and willing to learn.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2_________________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 3, Choice and Self-Managementis found in Chapter 12. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 3 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
4. SELF-TALK
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I Am Aware of the Thoughts and Feelings Connection. I am aware the unpleasant emotions I experience often stem from views I have of the situation and beliefs learned in my childhood and from earlier life experiences. I am becoming more aware of my emotional reaction to my partner and I'm linking that reaction to my self-talk.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I Am Mindfully Aware of My “Stories.” During my day, there are instances where I am able to slow down my thinking and become more aware, or more "mindful," of my thoughts, accepting some of those those thoughts as only "stories" my mind is telling me, and not necessarily useful, valid, or the stuff of objective reality. I am aware of “hidden agendas“ and able to instead act on deeper needs and values such as my need for connection and my valuing of our relationship .
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I Am Combining Self-Calming Skills with Mindfulness. During my day I regularly pay attention to everything going on inside myself (thoughts, feelings, breathing patterns, and bodily sensations), as well as outside. This is done in conjunction with self-calming through diaphragmatic breathing and purposefully relaxing tensed muscles. Self-calming skills give me the opportunity for a "mindful pause "between stimulus and response within which to observe my self-talk and make a course correction.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. Distressing Situations Provide Me with Constructive Learning Experiences. I am able to revisit distressing situations, understanding those situations and my reactions to them through an understanding of the role of my self-talk and beliefs. (Note: circle 4 if there are no "distressing situations."
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. Constructive Inner Dialogue. When feeling stressed or anxious, I check in with myself by taking several diaphragmatic breaths and engaging in an internal dialogue. The following are examples of some possible questions I might have ask myself. (Note: circle 4 if there were no instances of feeling "stressed or anxious.")
- What am I telling myself about my coping ability? What do I perceive to be a threat?
- What am I feeling? What are my emotions?
- What's going on in my body? What is my physical experience?
- What am I telling myself that is not accepting or compassionate?
- Are there things I can't control? Are there things I can control?
- Can I be more accepting and compassionate toward myself? What would I be telling myself if I were more compassionate?
- Can I be more compassionate toward my partner? Can I see beyond anger to underlying feelings and unmet needs?
- Am I aware of my partners "bids for connection," and am I able to respond positively.
- Am I aware of opportunities for connection?
- Do I have needs that are not being met? Do I have boundaries that are not being observed, or asserted?
- Am I being realistic? Am I engaging in "what if thinking," or "awfulizing" or “catastrophizing?"
- What are my choices? What options am I aware of when I view my situation from a position of calmness and self -acceptance?
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I Actively Demonstrate My Belief in My Self-Worth and My Belief in My Partner’s Self-Worth. In thought and behavior, I demonstrate my belief that we are both worthy of love and respect.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I Am Eliminating Negative Self-Judgment and self-blame. I don’t tell myself that I am flawed, defective, unlovable, or basically incompetent. I don’t dwell on what I perceive to be failures or mistakes, believing instead that mistakes help me learn and I am able to forgive myself for mistakes or failures.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I have core beliefs and helpful assumptions that guide me in my dealings with my partner. I believe that conflict is inevitable, that both of us have valid goals, that we need to understand each other rather than have agreement at all costs, that we can both win, and that conflict is an opportunity to grow our relationship.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I am willing to take risks. I will not avoid opportunities to make a bid for connection out of fear of being rejected or criticized. I will let you know what I think, what I feel, what I want, and what I need. I recognize self-talk that leads me to be either unassertive or aggressive with you. I engage in corrective self-talk and let you know where I'm coming from, respectfully, calmly, and assertively.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I Engage in Realistic Threat Appraisal. I am able to ask myself what the worst thing is that could realistically happen in my relationship, and quickly determine that if and when that circumstance took place, I will be able to handle it. I do not hold back because of fear, self-doubt, or expectations of failure or defeat, and I do not over-react with defensiveness, avoidance, anger, resentment, or other exaggerated protective responses.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2________________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 4, Self-Talk is found in Chapter 13. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 4 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
5. LISTENING, RESPECTING, ACCEPTING, AND VALIDATING
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I value you as a person and see you as a unique individual, with the awareness and wisdom of your own experience, entitled to your own perceptions, thoughts, and feelings. I accept that we are different people, with different beliefs, memories, goals, and perceptions. I accept you fully without judging you because we are different. I support and encourage you being in control of your own life. I will respect your choices even though I choose differently.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I go beyond simply hearing you to helping you feel truly heard and understood. I listen not only attentively but empathically and I validate your emotions by acknowledging specific emotions and communicating that those emotions are acceptable and understandable. I am nonjudgmental in regard to your emotions. I do not label your emotions as good, bad, or irrational.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I do not listen with defensiveness or listen reactively. I do not rehearse what I'm going to say while you are speaking. Instead I listen with full attention, curiosity and a sincere desire to understand you on a deeper level as a fellow human being with your own fears, desires, uncertainties, and dreams.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. When you disagree with me, I am not defensive or argumentative. I disagree with you “agreeably”. I may not agree with you, but I will not put you down for your beliefs or perceptions. I do not belittle you, use sarcasm, name-calling, or speak to you contemptuously.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I tune into and track both your thoughts and your feelings. I ask questions to understand you better. I check out my perceptions. A major goal for me is for you to feel understood.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I lead with validation of your emotions before I offer you advice or try to soothe your hurt feelings or fears. I am listening in such a way as to allow you to find your own solution.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I practice empathic listening, feeling your feelings with you. I do not merely offer sympathy which is being separate from you, but instead I join with you forming an empathic bond.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I find a way to connect with you by letting you know I hear you and respect what you have to say as your truth. It is necessary to listen. It is not necessary for me to agree or resolve all differences.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I try to show you I am understanding you and respecting what you want to tell me by not only giving you my undivided attention, but by checking out what I am hearing from time to time. I paraphrase what I’ve heard and ask if it’s accurate. However, I don't merely reflect your words, I go further to demonstrate my understanding of the emotions behind your words. I ask open-ended questions with a sincere desire to understand you better.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I find a way to communicate to you that what you are saying is important to me and I will make time to listen fully.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2_______________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 5, Listening, Respecting, Accepting, and Validating is found in Chapter 14. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 5 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
CHOICE 6. ASSERTIVE, OPEN, SAFE AND VULNERABLE
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. In our interactions, I strive for equality and symmetry of air time. We each get to talk and be listened to with no one dominating the conversation or monopolizing the time we have for discussion.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I say what I mean. I don't agree or say "yes" if I feel differently or mean "no."
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I don't have to appear perfect. I am willing to hear your complaints and I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I talk to you about what I perceive is going on with us in the "here and now," in the moment. I do not "gunny sack," avoiding issues by stuffing and stacking my thoughts, feelings, and resentments until they can no longer be contained. I show respect for you by letting you know where I am coming from.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I am willing to take risks in our relationship by sharing my true needs and feelings, even though I may feel awkward, embarrassed, or vulnerable. I'm betting on our relationship and my belief that honesty and openness is indispensable in relationship building.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. If I am fearful of giving up something important to me, or otherwise uneasy about our interaction, I find a way to assertively communicate it to you.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I strive to remain open and curious about your world. I’m aware of constant opportunities to learn about you. Even when you are expressing negative emotions, I see all you have to tell me as useful information and I invite you to tell your complete story.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I work on seeing the positive in our communication. Even when we disagree, what you are expressing often carries within it a frustrated need for secure emotional connection, and I intend to hear that deeper message without resistance or defensiveness.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I work on focusing on shared meaning rather than differences. I pursue developing a shared relationship vision.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I listen for what John and Julie Gottman refer to as “bids for connection,” your efforts large and small to connect with me. I respond positively with bids of my own.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2________________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 6, Assertive, Open, and Vulnerable is found in Chapter 15. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 6 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
CHOICE 7. DE-ESCALATING CONFLICT AND BUILDING TRUST
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I am aware that my basic choices in dealing with conflict are to turn against you, away from you, or toward you. In other words, I can fight with you, flee from you, or move toward emotional connection. I choose to move toward emotional connection.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I am willing to be influenced by you, even when we disagree. I’m willing to look at the possibility that you are trying to tell me something that I need to hear.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I will not protect myself by distancing myself from you. I will not use “stonewalling,” or refusing to deal with an issue as a way of protecting myself.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I believe our issues are solvable if we can find a way to remain in dialogue, pursuing understanding rather than agreement, fully respecting one another and accepting that we are different. I proceed with the belief that our problems are solvable.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. It is imperative that we remain emotionally connected during conflict, not losing track of valuing the relationship. I may be angry but I will not threaten you by threatening to leave the relationship
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I see distinguishing reactive surface emotions from true core emotions as a primary task in conflict. While anger, resentment, jealousy and other reactive emotions may be on the surface, these emotions may mask deeper emotions such as sadness or fear. I recognize and pay more attention to these deeper emotions.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I choose to see our conflict as our relationship trying to work. Instead of paying attention to words alone, I will see your anger as covering a deeper need for love and connection. I understand you at a deeper level.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I choose to see the real enemy to our relationship as getting sidetracked in destructive surface emotions of anger, frustration and jealousy rather than the authentic deeper emotions such as fear. I experience your vulnerable emotions rather than react angrily or defensively to your surface feelings.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I take risks and share deeper emotions such as fear, sadness, loneliness or insecurity, allowing myself to be vulnerable.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I listen to you talk about “needs” without engaging in my own defensiveness or insecurity. I actively encourage you to “tell me more.”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2________________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 7, De-Escalating Conflict and Building Trust is found in Chapter 16. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 7 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
CHOICE 8. THE DIALOGUE OPTION: RESPECTFUL, EMPATHIC, AND TRANSFORMATIONAL.
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I carefully choose my words with the intent of encouraging an open and collaborative climate, rather than a climate characterized by defensiveness, resistance, or a "fight or flight" response. My language conveys empathy and equality, rather than neutrality and superiority.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I describe what I see rather than use words that imply judgement or blaming. I use descriptive messages that are clear and specific to de-escalate and move toward a cooperative exchange. I describe my feelings rather than attack with them. I avoid loaded words. I listen attentively, not reactively.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I choose language that implies an "us against the problem" approach (problem solving orientation), rather than language that only promotes my agenda (control language). I use inclusive language such as “we” or “us,” and I invite you to work with me on “our” problem.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I "go with the flow" using language that is natural, receptive, flexible, and generated on the spot, communicating a willingness to follow the conversation wherever it may lead and however it evolves (spontaneity language). This is in contrast to strategy language that sounds rehearsed and conveys a preset or hidden agenda, or an ulterior motive.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I demonstrate a willingness to be influenced by you, a willingness to be persuaded, even changing my mind if you are able to show me a new perspective, or show me something I've missed (provisionalism). This attitude is in marked contrast to certainty language that conveys a determination to stick to my own viewpoint, unmoved by anything you may want to contribute. I may have my own point of view but I invite you to join with me in exploring alternatives.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I use absolute terms very sparingly. I am very careful about statements that begin with “you always…,” or “you never …”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I am careful not to make statements that impose my values on you such as “You should take environmental issues as seriously as I do”. While we no doubt have many values in common, we probably have differences in our values. I intend to respect yours.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I use sentences beginning with the term “you” very sparingly as they tend to be about accusations and blaming. Instead, I use “I” statements is much as possible, owning my own thoughts and feelings rather than implying that you have caused them.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I do not engage in mind reading, making definite statements about what I’m sure you are thinking or feeling. Instead, I may offer a guess or a hunch such as saying: “I’m guessing you’re feeling confused right now.”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I avoid cause-and-effect statements, such as stating “You made me very unhappy when you were late,” instead owning my own thoughts and feelings with statements such as: “When you’re late coming home I feel anxious.”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2_____________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 8, Language Coices for Conflict Management is found in Chapter 17. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 8 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
CHOICE 9. MINDFUL SEX
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I accept you for who you are and I take responsibility for caring for you and becoming an expert on your physical and sexual needs and how you want to be loved and experience sex. I encourage safe and open sexual interaction and communication. I respond with curiosity and I pursue understanding. I do not respond with defensiveness, or avoidance.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I am committed to helping you heal old and current wounds, including sexual trauma, hurts, fears, resentments, or disappointments. All of us carry past wounds and I believe an important function of our being a couple is to help one another heal within the context of a safe committed relationship, and with acceptance and secure emotional connection. I do not avoid frank and honest sexual communication. Instead I welcome such interaction.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I want to know about the things that hurt or disappoint you sexually. I want to understand your fears and vulnerabilities, much of which may go back to your childhood. I will help you feel fully acceptable and safe in telling me everything and I will do everything in my power to create a sense of trust and safety. I am committed to respecting your physical and sexual boundaries. I totally support your right to say yes, no, or maybe, depending upon how you feel in the moment. I respect your right to be in charge of your own body. I will not make you feel guilty or afraid.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. If I notice tension, distraction, or fight/flight reactivity during lovemaking, I focus on breathing and letting go, thinking less and feeling more. I am mindfully aware of sensations and emotions, and I focus on pleasurable sensations, positive emotions, and connecting with you.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I intend to become an expert on the things that make you feel good physically, and that make you feel loved, happy, and well-pleasured. I am saying and doing things to please you, soothe you, and help you feel satisfied —and loved.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I am mindfully aware of things that get in the way of having a great sexual experience, and I seek solutions. Whether it's my issue, our issue, or your issue, I choose to be vulnerable and assertively begin a dialogue with you. I do not avoid sexual communication. I am committed to respecting your physical and sexual boundaries. I totally support your right to say yes, no, or maybe, depending upon how you feel in the moment. I respect your right to be in charge of your own body. I will not make you feel guilty or afraid.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. I view sex as a journey of mutual discovery where we explore our relationship by being playful and enjoying each other. I approach sex as part of our mutual need for secure emotional connection, and a total sensory and emotional experience, from foreplay through “afterplay,” not just the pursuit of orgasm.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. Sex is a major part of our need for secure emotional connection. However, my main sexual focus is on intimacy. It’s more about relationship than either of us performing well or achieving an orgasm.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. Good sex does not equal intercourse alone. Healthy sexual functioning can include sensual and affectionate non-genital touching, pleasuring one another both genitally and non-genitally, non-intercourse stimulation to arousal and/or orgasm, and a wide variety of erotic, playful and pleasurable touch. I am open to the full range of sexual experience that is mutually acceptable, safe, and non-hurtful and non-abusive, and I intend to join with you in exploring our sexuality.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. Whether in our day-to-day interaction, or in the bedroom, I am focused on building a secure emotional connection as my primary sexual goal.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2________________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 9, Love, Secure Connection, and Mindful Sexuality is found in Chapter 18. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 9 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
CHOICE 10. LOVE IS A VERB; CYCLES OF CONNECTION, DISCONNECTION, AND RECONNECTION
Important – do not respond on the basis of what you believe or intend. Respond on the basis of what you are actually doing or how much the statement typifies your actual behavior.
a. I make an effort to focus on interests (what we each want) and options (our possible collaborative or win-win actions), rather than our surface positions (our immediate assertions, usually related to who is right or wrong, good or bad).
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
b. I look for solutions where we both benefit, searching for options (often creative) where we both gain.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
c. I frequently "check-in" with you during our interaction to get your thoughts on the process, i.e., what is helping or not helping.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
d. I do not become complacent about our relationship. I make it a point to frequently observe, listen, and invite your input and feedback on relationship matters.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
e. I am proactive about relationship building. I do not wait for problems to develop in our relationship. I look for ways to build open communication, trust, safety, and a sense of productivity, optimism, and satisfaction.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
f. I strive to be aware and stay aware of process as well as content. Content is the subject of our communication, what we are talking about, while process is the way you and I relate. I believe a focus on how we relate is often the key to building our relationship and producing a collaborative effort
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
g. When I see us stuck or at an impasse about an issue, I invite you to join with me in discussing the process and how we as a team might do it better or differently.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
h. I work to clarify confusion and misunderstandings during our interaction. I focus on the process so as to not let the discussion become sidetracked into a debate over who is right and who is wrong.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
i. I am alert to nonverbal cues as our discussion proceeds, looking for indicators of problems in our communication. I use this awareness to describe what I'm seeing and invite you to work with me in getting our interaction on the right track.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
j. I schedule and prepare for important relationship talks.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Mindful Choices for Couples Self-Assessment Scoring Sheet.
Category Total Divided by 2______________(transfer to Profile Sheet)
Your Action Planning Guide for Choice 10, Love Is a Verb: Cycles of Connection, Disconnection, and Reconnection is found in Chapter 19. In this chapter you will find an in-depth discussion of Choice 10 complete with suggestions for building strong positive habits .
SCORING
Add the scores for each statement for a category total. Divide the category total by 2. Enter all ten category totals on the attached Profile Sheet by putting a dot at the column midpoint corresponding to your score. Connect the dots and you have an "at-a-glance" way of viewing all your scores in a "profile" format.
© 2005 William Carey Shearer Ph.D., M.B.A., M.P.H Robin L. Shearer M.F.T., R.N., M.A., M.P.H.
The following two pages contain the Scoring Sheet and Profile Sheet to download and print. We suggest the Self-Assessment be repeated monthly. A different color should be used each month on the profile sheet to highlight progress and areas needing more attention.
