Be The Mr. Rogers of Your Relationship by Dr. Bill
Charlie and Jan were at it again. It was hard to say who started it, who was most reactive, or who was first to abandon the rules of fair fighting. If asked how it started, each would be quick to blame the other.
Both knew the rules. They knew to avoid words like “always,” or “never.” They understood that using “I” language was more effective than “you” language that implied blaming. Certainly, they knew that insisting on being right meant both would lose, and yet here they were, stuck in another meaningless, go-nowhere squabble.
Jan, close to tears, once again addressed what she saw as Charlie’s unreasonableness. “You don’t listen to me. You always get defensive. The more I try to tell you how I feel, the angrier you get, and you keep putting it back on me. Why can’t you take responsibility for your own behavior. You’re so difficult. I don’t know how to deal with you. You’re impossible. Sometimes. I wish you could be more like Mr. Rogers.“
Charlie exploded: “What? you want me to be Mr. Rogers? That’s not me! If you attack me, I’ll fight back. Do you want me to be passive and just rollover and play dead? Well, that’s not me. How about you? I sure would like to see you be more like Mr. Rogers. You’d be a lot easier to deal with—and live with!
The couple had recently watched Tom Hanks’ portrayal of Fred Rogers in A Beautiful Day in The Neighborhood, described as "a timely story of kindness triumphing over cynicism." The movie is based on a real-life friendship between Fred Rogers and an interviewing journalist.
Rogers was very difficult to interview because he would always express great interest in the interviewer rather than focusing on answering the interviewer's questions. Empathy was almost always his default.
Mr. Rogers was known for kindness and gentleness. Imagine Jan or Charlie responding as Mr. Rogers. Fred Rogers quotations follow:
“Love isn’t a state of perfect caring. It is an active noun like ‘struggle.’ To love someone is to strive to accept that person exactly the way he or she is, right here and now.”
Love is a state of radical acceptance. Your partner is not a clone of yourself, but a separate human being with their own thoughts, fears, goals, perceptions, memories, and emotions. They also get wounded, feel emotional pain, and have unmet needs–just like you!
Love is caring for the other person in a way that helps them feel safe, valued, and fully accepted–despite annoying differences. Ideally, love comes with empathy and compassion, even when you feel strongly and see things differently. Yes, that can be difficult.
“Knowing that we can be loved exactly as we are gives us all the best opportunity for growing into the healthiest of people.”
Robin and I were trained years ago in Imago Relationship Therapy. A key idea of Imago is that when you find yourself at last in a safe committed relationship where you can relax and be yourself, knowing that you are fully acceptable to the other and securely attached, you then have the ultimate opportunity for healing old wounds and maximizing personal growth. There is nothing more therapeutic than being in such a relationship. It’s what each of us wants and needs.
Truly loving your partner and being conscious and intentional in your loving means you commit to giving your partner the gifts inherent in a secure and committed relationship.
“When we love a person, we accept him or her exactly as is: the lovely with the unlovely, the strong with the fearful, the true mixed in with the façade, and of course, the only way we can do it is by accepting ourselves that way.”
I often hear people say: “If you don’t love yourself you can’t love anyone else.“ I disagree. Of course, you can love others, even while being unaccepting of yourself. The problem? If you can’t accept yourself, you will be overly sensitive to rejection, insecure in the relationship, and prone to defensiveness, blaming, or avoiding, all of which is poison for the relationship.
You don’t need to defend anything. It’s okay to be an imperfect human being, and if you can fully accept your imperfections, you can relax and hear what the other person is saying.
“Mutual caring relationships require kindness and patience, tolerance, optimism, joy in the other's achievements, confidence in oneself, and the ability to give without undue thought of gain.”
Give up the idea of winning, fulfilling your agenda, and getting what you need for you regardless of your partner’s needs. Genuine love is unselfish, and it means willingly sacrificing so your partner can get what he or she needs.
I’m not talking about being codependent or one-sided in sacrificing. In a great relationship, each partner willingly sacrifices for the happiness and growth of the other.
Back to Jan and Charlie. Yes, being more like Mr. Rogers would be a total win/win. It’s a great movie with great lessons for all of us, not just couples.
Watch the movie. Accept Fred Rogers as a great example of how to be in a relationship. Be the Mr. Rogers of all your relationships!