VERBAL AIKIDO
Finding your inner smile, again, and again, and again!
By Dr. Bill
“Aiki is not a technique to fight with or defeat an enemy. It is the way to reconcile the world and make human beings one family.” Morihei Ueshiba, founder of Aikido
Does the following conversation sound familiar?
Jane: “You never make time for me. You’re always too busy. I’m just an afterthought. Honestly, I don’t believe I’m important to you at all and I’m sick of coming in second to everything else in your life.
Sam: “What are you talking about? Everything I do is for you and the kids. Don’t you see how hard I’m working? Doesn’t that say commitment to you? I never feel appreciated.”
Jane: “You? It’s all about you. That’s what I’m talking about. The moment I try to talk about my needs, you turn it around and make it all about you.”
Sam: “Here we go again. It’s the same old argument, the same thing we’ve talked about a thousand times. You keep saying I’m not there for you, and I keep saying that I’m always there for you, and that everything I do is for you. Yet I feel no appreciation coming from you for all my hard work.”
For Robin and I, and perhaps all couples’ therapists, it’s the familiar “he said/she said” discussion we’ve heard a thousand times. Virtually all couples find themselves in similar discussions. These discussions go nowhere other than damaging the relationship and creating distrust and resentment.
Eventually, we talk to couples about Verbal Aikido, a practice of being conscious and intentional, and responding masterfully to perceived attacks, rather than reacting with autopilot, knee-jerk, fight, flight or freeze reactions.
First, let’s distinguish between Martial Aikido (MA), and Verbal Aikido (VA). Martial Aikido stands in stark contrast to other martial arts in non-resistance to attacks. There are no blocks and no efforts to defeat the other. Resistance to oncoming energy is simply prolonging the existence of that negative energy. Instead, in Martial Aikido you blend and match your energy with the other, enter the environment of the other, join with them, and gracefully transform and redirect that energy. It’s harmonious non-competitiveness, not victory over an opponent, but joining gracefully and skillfully with the other. The goal of aikido is spiritual and ethical self-improvement, living in harmony with others.
“True victory is victory over oneself.” O-Sensei Morihei Ueshiba
Verbal Aikido is built upon the principles of Martial Aikido. It’s about emotional self-control, communicating respectfully and assertively, understanding your partner, and creating harmony in your relationship.
Verbal Aikido is much more than a set of techniques for managing conflict. Becoming a verbal aikido practitioner is something you do for you. It’s a spiritual practice, a philosophy of relating not just to your partner but to the world. It’s seeing conflict truly is an opportunity for personal growth, welcoming conflict as a way of refining and expanding your personhood. It’s a way of embracing peace and living your values of mutual respect and compassion.
Let’s take another look at Jane and Sam, and how their communication might have gone differently.
Jane: “You never make time for me. You’re always too busy. I’m just an afterthought. Honestly, I don’t believe I’m important to it all and I’m sick of coming in second to everything else in your life.
Sam takes a deep slow diaphragmatic breath, and gets in touch with his “inner smile,” an internal place of stability and equanimity. It’s a place where he draws strength and confidence. It’s a secure place of knowing that defensiveness and blaming are unnecessary. It’s a place where he gets in touch with valuing the relationship, a place of deep awareness of his need to connect.
Sam knows that this is a personal discipline, and perhaps the most important discipline of his life. He knows it is difficult and that he will often lose and then once again regain his “inner smile.” Each time he returns to an emotionally centered position, strengthening his inner smile, and thus his ability to have sustainable and meaningful relationships. This is something Sam is doing for Sam’s personal development.
Sam replies: “Jane, when I put myself in your shoes and look at it from your perspective, I can see how you would feel that way. It makes sense to me you would have those feelings.”
Jane: “At last, it seems like you’re hearing me. What are you going to do about it?
Sam: “You are important to me, and even though I don’t always show it, there is nothing more important to me than our relationship. It’s a struggle for me to find balance, but I’m going to commit here and now to working on it. I’ll make it a top priority. I want you always to feel secure in our relationship, never having to question your importance to me. I’m on it!
Let’s talk about what was different in that exchange.
The First Verbal Aikido Step — focusing on self
Sam didn’t react with habitual defensiveness and counterargument. Instead, he paused, took one deep, slow, gentle diaphragmatic breath (belly breath), and got in touch with his inner stability (his inner smile).
“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” Viktor Frankl
Defending against a perceived attack and avoiding emotional discomfort is natural and universal. Our brains are wired for it. Developing your inner smile is a discipline, and it takes practice.
The Second Verbal Aikido Step — focusing on the other
Sam next tuned into Jane with empathic listening, and moved beyond reacting to her anger, instead responding with an understanding of her underlying feelings and unmet needs. He put himself in her shoes, saw her world through her eyes, and responded with empathy and understanding.
“Empathizing with someone’s ‘no” protects us from taking it personally.” Marshall Rosenberg
The Third Verbal Aikido Step — focusing on the relationship
The third step is to address the needs of the relationship. Sam faced up to the problem and proposed a win/win solution. He recognized the difficulty of finding balance, but also indicated he would hold himself accountable and work wholeheartedly on positive change. He affirmed his commitment to Jane and their relationship.
Here are some further tips for applying Verbal Aikido to your relationship:
- Don’t get stressed out if you find yourself caught up in a distressing verbal exchange. It’s not an emergency. It’s not about the loss of love or connection. Conflict is inevitable and can even be an opportunity for personal and relationship growth. The important thing is to face conflict with equanimity. Don’t panic.
- Slow yourself down. Re-center and re-stabilize yourself when you realize you are “uptight” and in fight-or-flight mode. Belly breathe with deep, slow, regular, diaphragmatic breath while softening your self-talk. Talk to yourself in a calm, gentle, and self-soothing manner, reminding yourself of your valuing of the relationship. Get in touch with your need for connection.
- Give up all thoughts of winning the exchange. It’s an illusion. In a relationship, there is no such thing as win/lose. You either win together or you lose together.
- Embrace the concept of achieving harmony in the relationship and gaining an outcome where both of you are getting your needs met.
- Don’t personalize! Don’t get reactive and defensive about what your partner is saying. Simply try to understand it from your partner’s viewpoint.
- Be sincere in your efforts to understand your partner, viewing their world from their perspective.
- Your partner may use harsh words. Don’t respond in kind. Move beyond fight talk and spite talk. Do the right thing anyway and don’t get hung up on the words.
- Don’t rush to a solution before you’ve made sure that there is a genuine understanding of your partner’s position, and your partner is feeling understood.
- Don’t be overly attached to your own viewpoint.
- Approach the exchange as an opportunity for your personal growth. You are developing a philosophy for dealing with the world, encountering all disagreement and conflict with equanimity and inner stability. Welcome the exchange.
The most important step is getting in touch with your inner smile, that internal state of confidence and equanimity.
Do this for you. Do this for your own growth and well-being. You will be greatly rewarded.