Two Human Qualities that Impact Relationships
by Dr. Bill
Newsflash—all humans are imperfect! Yes, you too are imperfect. All of us humans deny, distort, and falsify reality. We are good at self-deception, and we don’t even know we’re doing it. You may think that doesn’t apply to you, but that belief is also a distortion. Check it out. Just tell your friends and family that you believe you are perfectly rational, and notice their reaction.
Most of our distortions are minor, but some get us into trouble. Two such distortions create major problems in relationships, and often keep relationships from growing, or even surviving.
Have you found yourself in an argument knowing you’re right, knowing your beliefs are based upon facts, and that others simply don’t have, or won’t accept, your facts, the REAL facts? Do you find yourself incredulous that your partner is so illogical? Why does your partner stubbornly cling to beliefs that are so clearly erroneous? Why does your partner believe there is something wrong with your reality? How is that possible? Only one of you can be right, and you’re sure it’s you.
Of course, if you each are sure you’re right, and you each have to stubbornly defend his or her viewpoint, you’re both going to lose. Your relationship will suffer. What’s going on?
Here are two human qualities that negatively impact relationships, qualities that virtually every one of us have.
1. The Fundamental Attribution Error
This is a tendency most of us have to place major emphasis on other people’s internal or personal qualities when there is a dispute. This means that if I have a problem with you, I’m far more apt to tell myself it’s about your erroneous thinking, your personality, or your other unpleasant or dysfunctional qualities, rather than situational factors. For example:
While at a party, you’re introduced to George. While you warmly greet George, he barely responds, doesn’t smile, and doesn’t volunteer any information about himself. You tell yourself that George is cold and unfriendly, and probably thinks he’s better than other people. In fact, you’re convinced George is openly contemptuous of others–in this case contemptuous of you. You’re thinking–what a jerk! Only later, after a friend tells you that George is grieving the recent loss of his mother, has been deeply depressed and is usually friendly and outgoing, do you revise your initial impression of George. You’ve committed the fundamental attribution error, attributing Georgia’s behavior to George’s personal qualities, rather than his situation.
Think about your couple relationship. Do you sometimes think there’s something wrong with your partner’s thinking or personality? Do you tend to label your partner as stubborn, bossy, lazy, or illogical? Have you ever thought your partner had an emotional or psychological problem? Be honest! It’s almost a universal human tendency.
Jane: “I don’t know what’s wrong with you. I try to get close to you and you just fade away. We are almost never intimate, and I don’t think I interest you at all. Other husbands aren’t like that, at least not the husbands of my friends. It’s just not normal.”
Sam: “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m always paying attention to you. You’re just too needy, and too emotional. I just want some peace in my life. I work really hard. I just need for you to stop complaining. Isn’t that the least you can do for me? Whatever I do, it’s never enough. There is no pleasing you.”
Jane believes is something is obviously wrong with Sam. He just doesn’t seem to understand her needs. He clearly has a problem but she just can’t figure it out. “It’s just not normal!”
Sam believes something is obviously wrong with Jane. She is just too emotional and clingy. What’s wrong with her? Maybe she’s a borderline personality.
For Jane and Sam, the problem is not pathological. Neither one is defective. Their relationship problem can best be addressed in terms of attachment styles and a pattern that has evolved over time. Both need to understand the pattern and take responsibility for personal change.
In another blog, we will discuss Adult Attachment Styles
2. The Self-Serving Bias
A related concept is the self-serving bias. This is a tendency to attribute positive events to your own character, while negative events surely are because of your situation or external events. For example:
Matt had felt great about the vacation plans. He’d covered all the bases and had put together a great itinerary. What a brilliant planner! Matt told himself he was superb at putting together a dynamite plan. However, all that abruptly changed as he discovered his passport might not be ready in time. Beverly had taken care of her passport months ago and was ready to go. However, Matt was still waiting for the passport he had only recently applied for and time was getting short. Matt thought: What’s wrong with those passport people? Typical bureaucrats! They can’t get anything done on a timely basis. They’re going to screw up our vacation. Matt has demonstrated the self-serving bias. If things go wrong, it’s situational. When they go right, it’s because of my exceptional qualities.
The self-serving bias is also a defense mechanism. It’s a way of protecting your ego and giving yourself a boost in self-confidence. It also absolves you from having to take personal responsibility. This applies to both men and women, but men are more likely to blame outside forces for mistakes or failures.
Of course, we also see the opposite. When people are depressed or have a low level of self-acceptance, they might have a bias toward seeing success because of external forces or even luck, being harsh and critical toward themselves when things go wrong.
If you see yourself as perfectly logical, you’re being perfectly illogical.
If you think you’re clearly the only sane and well-balanced one in your relationship, you might miss him how you contribute to relationship problems Also, the more you get triggered and powerful emotions take over, the more you are prone to the above distortions, and more! This is when you are most defensive and most sure you are right.
In many cases, your hurt, anger, or fear takes over, you become emotionally dis-regulated (fight, flight, freeze, or appease), and you find yourself well up your Ladder of Inference, but that’s the subject of a previous blog.