ACTIVE, CONSTRUCTIVE RESPONDING
by Bill and Robin Shearer
Let’s start with a self-test. Think about your average response when your partner is talking to you.
Be honest with yourself. You don’t have to share this with anyone if you don’t want to. This self-test is for your personal self-development.
Read the paragraph in bold print below and choose a number from 0 to 4 that best represents your responding to your partner for the past week. Again, focus on your average response.
Here is the scoring key. Read the paragraph, reflect on your responding, and choose a score from 0 to 4.
0 = not true at all, or 0 percent; 1 = mostly not true, or 25 percent; 2 = partially true, or 50 percent; 3 = largely true, or 75 percent; 4 = totally true, or 95–100 percent Important.
Do not respond based on what you believe or intend. Respond based on what you have been doing or how much the statement represents your average behavior.
I Responded Actively and Constructively. When my partner wanted to tell me something, I responded with enthusiasm. I was actively engaged in a positive way. I asked interested questions and tried to keep a positive conversation going. I maintained eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. I listened for positives in the conversation and reinforced those positives with positive responses of my own. This way of responding was in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.
How did you do? If you responded with a 4, great! We bet that most readers had a lesser score. Don’t like your score? No problem! You’re about to get much better.
Empathic listening, letting go of defensiveness, and responding with genuine interest and understanding are foundational to a great relationship. Important in regular conversation, with nonthreatening topics, such responding becomes even more important during conflict.
There are four basic ways of responding to what your partner is saying.
In a 2006 Journal of Personality and Social Psychology article, researchers Shelly Gable and her colleagues found that people usually respond to good news in one of four ways. The Active, Constructive approach is by far the most meaningful in building and maintaining healthy relationships.
While Shelly Gable was writing about responding to good news, we see this technique as useful whether news is good or bad. In fact, it can be quite helpful to respond to a complaint or criticism by saying something like: “That concerns me, and I’d like to understand it better. I want to hear everything you want to tell me about it, and I will listen to you.”
Look at the following chart. It’s a matrix showing active or passive responding on one axis, and constructive or destructive responding on the other axis. The upper left quadrant represents both an active response and a constructive response. Active, constructive responding clearly is a powerful way to influence your partner feeling good about interacting with you.
Here’s another self-test. Use the same scoring system as above.
I believe that one person can change our interaction. I take responsibility for initiating changes that helps each of us feel listened to, understood, and secure in the relationship.
Again, rate yourself on your actual behavior, not whether or not you agree with the statement. How did you do? Do you believe that you have the power to influence change in your relationship?
Here’s a hypothetical client name Frank.
Frank was discouraged. He wanted to give up. He sat in his individual therapy session with slumped shoulders, downcast eyes, and the look of someone who just lost his best friend. “We can’t seem to communicate. She attacks, I defend, and we go around and around. It’s the same thing over and over and over again. Why should I bother? She won’t even join me in therapy. How can anything change? It takes the two of us to make things different. Doesn’t it?”
The therapist was quick to answer the question: “Well, not necessarily. In our experience, either of you can initiate major changes, and if one of you is changing, the entire system is changing. Remember when we talked about an active, constructive response?”
“When your partner wants to tell you something, respond with enthusiasm. Be actively engaged in a positive way. Ask interested questions and try to keep a positive conversation going. Maintain eye contact and a pleasant demeanor. Listen for positives in the conversation and reinforce those positives with positive responses of your own. This way of responding is in marked contrast to responding with negativity or defensiveness, responding minimally, or responding with disinterest, diversion, or avoidance.”
“Let’s try an experiment. Are you open to trying something new for the coming week?” Frank nodded his agreement, and the therapist continued: “For the following week I want you to do your very best to not get defensive or withdraw. Instead, I want you to catch yourself when headed in either of those directions, and instead take a deep breath and respond with an active constructive response, even if you are responding to a complaint or criticism. For example, you might respond with something like: ‘That concerns me, and I’d like to understand it better. I want to hear everything you want to tell me, and I will listen to you.” Do this for a week and for now you don’t have to tell Ellen what you’re up to. Agreed? Frank responded: “Sure, it’s worth a try.”
The following week, Frank came to his session eager to share his experience. “It’s hard to believe. We had a great week. Ellen has been great to live with. She asked me what’s gotten into me. She said I seem so different. We’ve actually had fun together. Wow! This is powerful. I didn’t know I could bring about changes all by myself.”
Yes, one person can change the interaction by choosing active constructive responding.
It’s important to take the time to listen completely when your partner wants to talk to you. Practice being mindful, fully present in the moment. Follow Stephen Covey’s advice in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, in which he stated: “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.” Be careful about jumping in and finishing the other person’s sentence, offering advice, or hijacking the conversation to tell your own story. Remember to be genuine and avoid pacifying or insincere flattery. Offer heartfelt congratulations or genuine empathy, whichever might be most appropriate. Ask open-ended questions and allow your partner to fully tell their story. Keep the focus on actively listening to your partner tell you about things that are important to them.
Train yourself to be an active, constructive responder. You will be pleasantly surprised at your power to positively influence the relationship.