TRAIN YOURSELF TO BE NON-DEFENSIVE
Using the Science of Habit Change and Neuroplasticity
by Dr. Bill
Would you like to move your relationship skills further along the path of mindful awareness, conscious intention, and emotionally intelligent choices? Work on letting go of defensiveness and you will notice an impressive boost in your relational skillfulness and sense of well-being.
We are creatures of habit. At least 40% of everything you do, say, think, or feel is habitual. If you automatically avoid conflict, it's a habit. If you are prone to shut down emotionally, it's a habit. If you must be right, it's a habit. If you have to win, it's a habit, if you have to fix things, it's a habit. If you routinely deny there's a problem, it's a habit. Defensiveness is a habit.
Habits are happening all the time, and largely beyond our awareness. You don't know what you don't know — until you do. Defensive people rarely see themselves as defensive.
Bad habits impede good relationships, and most of us have some bad relationship habits. It's not anyone's fault. No one is to blame. It's just our programming, and our programmed reactions are hard-wired into our brains as habits. Most of us are programmed to be defensive. It comes naturally.
Mostly, we're on autopilot, living out our script, a script written long ago, probably in childhood. It's usually a script we developed to avoid pain, and avoiding pain is the most natural thing in the world for us humans. We don’t choose our script. It's more blind learning and conditioning rather than conscious choice. It's an unconscious script that becomes more resistant to change over time. With each new hurtful experience, each new wounding, the script is reinforced and— and we all get wounded.
We all develop protective responses such as defensiveness. It’s entirely normal, but sometimes those protective responses cause us to distance ourselves from the people we most want to be close to. Sometimes our protective responses are relationship destroyers.
How good do you want to be as a relationship partner? Can you imagine showing up in your relationship with minimal autopilot reactivity, hardly any defensiveness, great listening skills, empathy and compassion, clear and assertive communication, being caring and nurturing but having healthy boundaries, and handling conflict masterfully? Can you imagine shedding bad relationship habits (we all have them), and developing strong positive habits that continuously enhance your relationship? Can you imagine giving up defensiveness?
Yes, it’s difficult. No, this is not fantasy. My plan is research-based and draws heavily upon what neuroscience has to say about how we form habits and how we change habits. Until you embark on habit change, you’re going to keep doing the same things repeatedly, no matter how ineffectual, painful, or destructive those habits are to you and your partner. Are you aware of defensive habits? There’s a good chance you don’t even see your defensive behaviors as habitual.
There is a problem with most couples’ therapy, relationship classes, or self-help books. It's all good information, but only that, just information. It's not enough to bring about real change. Learning something about how relationships work or having insight about what's really happening in your relationship, is helpful but generally not enough to bring about lasting change. That's because bad relationship habits have already been incorporated into the neural structure of your brain.
That’s what habits are, neural connections that help your brain conserve energy and perform operations automatically by default— In other words "mindlessly." That's what gets us into trouble. We have many positive habits, but unfortunately, we also develop negative habits incredibly resistant to change. Defensiveness is one such habit
Yes, it’s very difficult to change. No, it’s not hopeless. There is a solution.
The solution is self-directed neuroplasticity. Neuroscience over the past dozen years has shown us how to effectively turn temporary learning and experience into lasting positive changes in the brain. You can become mindfully aware of bad habits, and you can systematically weaken them while building strong positive foundational relationship habits.
The secret is cultivating mindful awareness, choosing positive behaviors, and engaging in daily self-monitoring and course correction. My term for the process of self-directed neuroplasticity is “Habitualizing.” It’s literally using your mind to change your brain.
A major relationship destroyer is defensiveness, and the purpose of this article is to give you a science-based process for learning how to catch yourself on the verge of habitual reactivity and defensiveness, and instead shift quickly to being open, non-defensive, and willing to learn, with empathic listening and the goal of understanding your partner.
I want to introduce you to “Habitualizing,” the systematic cultivation of a new habit. In this case, learning how to not be defensive, instead choosing to create a sense of safety and satisfying connection. Positive change requires mindful awareness as a starting point.
There are ten statements, hence ten scores to be added together for a category total which is then divided by 2. There is a possible range of 0 to 20 total points within each category. Once totaled category scores are transferred to the profile sheet.
The profile provides quick and easy visual interpretation of results. Immediately you'll see abilities and deficiencies and understand where to direct self-improvement efforts.
You can’t change anything you’re not aware of and to create mindful awareness I will propose you take a short self-assessment each morning looking back on the past 24 hours.
Daily self-assessment of 10 defensiveness and reactivity statements will lead to heightened awareness of your defensive behaviors but will also alert you to positive non-defensive choices. Increasingly, you will find yourself making those choices and developing positive relational habits— In other words, Habitualizing!
Here is the self-assessment:
_________________________________________________________.
DEFENSIVENESS / NON-DEFENSIVENESS SELF-ASSESSMENT
A. I am aware that my basic choices in dealing with conflict are to turn against you, away from you, or toward you. In other words, I can fight with you, flee from you, or move toward emotional connection. I consistently choose to move toward emotional connection without defensiveness.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
B. I am able to manage my defensiveness, impatience and/or frustration which normally lead me to interrupt you or talk over you. Instead, I’m willing to take turns, allowing you to speak freely without interruption or responding defensively.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
C I choose to see our conflict as our relationship trying to work. Instead of paying attention to words alone, or arguing the facts, I will see your anger as covering a deeper need for love and connection. I understand you at a deeper level and do not respond defensively will.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
D. I may not agree with you but it is vital that I put defensiveness aside and understand and respect you. It is vital to me that you feel understood and respected. I check it out with you to find out whether or not you are feeling understood.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
E. I don't have to appear perfect. I am willing to hear your complaints and I am willing to discuss my shortcomings as well as my strengths.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
F. I see distinguishing reactive surface emotions from true core emotions as a primary task in conflict. While anger, resentment, jealousy and other reactive emotions may be on the surface, these emotions may mask deeper emotions such as sadness or fear. I recognize and pay more attention to these deeper emotions.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
G. . I work on seeing the positive in our communication. Even when we disagree, what you are expressing often carries within it a frustrated need for secure emotional connection, and I intend to hear that deeper message without resistance or defensiveness.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
H. I choose to see the real enemy to our relationship as getting sidetracked in destructive surface emotions of anger, frustration and jealousy rather than the authentic deeper emotions such as fear. I experience your vulnerable emotions rather than react angrily or defensively to your surface feelings.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
I. When there is a dispute or conflict, I quickly see my choices as between being open and non-defensive, or closed and protected. I choose to be open and non-defensive.
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
J. I listen to you talk about wants, needs, and feelings without engaging in my own defensiveness or insecurity. I don’t get triggered. I actively encourage you to “tell me more.”
Select 0, 1, 2, 3, or 4 and record on your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet/Profile Sheet
___________________________________________________
This assessment should take only 3-5 minutes a day for scoring and annotation of your profile sheet.
Here’s how it works.
Each morning, take your Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Self-Assessment looking back on the last 24 hours. Under each statement, choose the number that best represents agreement with your behavior for the past 24 hours. Record the number that best applies on your combination scoring sheet and profile sheet.
The 0 to 4 scoring is as follows:
0 = not true at all, or 0 percent; 1 = mostly not true, or 25 percent; 2 = partially true, or 50 percent; 3 = largely true, or 75 percent; 4 = totally true, or 95–100 percent
Score yourself 0 to 4 on each item. Total your 10 scores and divide by 2. Next, add your final score to the 31-day profile sheet.
Remember, it’s not whether you agree with the statement. It’s about how well the statement represents your behavior.
For most of my clients, the morning assessment becomes an enjoyable challenge. Day by day you will find yourself becoming more aware, and you quite naturally start looking for opportunities to improve your scores for tomorrow's assessment. Moreover, you will find yourself being aware of opportunities for non-defensiveness, "in the now," in the present moment.
You will find yourself starting to react with an old ineffectual or destructive habit, and you will instead pause mindfully and then move in the direction of valued relationship behaviors. You will be asking yourself—what can I offer my relationship in this moment?
You'll discover your scores drifting upward over time, ultimately being consistently in the "optimal" area. This may take quite a while but when your scores are regularly in the optimal area you are building lasting habits. These positive habits are what makes you great as a relationship partner.
I want you to approach this exercise as an opportunity. If you sincerely and enthusiastically embrace this task, you'll probably notice a marked improvement in relationship satisfaction, along with solid growth as a partner in the relationship.
Before you begin, take the following relationship pledge:
- I accept that I am part of our relationship difficulties, and I am also part of the solution.
- I take responsibility for developing greater self-awareness and greater self-management.
- I will accept this practice as a "work in progress," a practice that takes time and patience.
Each of us has bad habits when it comes to relationships and the degree to which you can improve is virtually limitless.
In keeping with what I’ve learned from neuroscience, I’ve made this process simple and easily accomplished with minimal time – less than five minutes a day. I’m quite sure that your dental hygienist wants you to spend more time than that flossing the teeth you wish to keep. Here we're talking about spending a little time on the relationship you wish to keep.
My neuroscience based “Habitualizing” process of daily self-assessment and self-monitoring, each day repeating a cycle of intention, awareness, focus, and practice, leads to powerful and positive relationship habits. Negative autopilot steadily gives way to positive autopilot.
One person can change the relationship, but with two people it’s even better. Both parties working the program, each focusing on their own self-awareness and self-management, greatly increases the probability of each getting what we all need – a deep and secure emotional attachment within the context of a safe, committed relationship.
The combination scoring sheet and profile sheet follows. It's actually two forms in one, the top half is for 31 days of scoring and the bottom half is your 31 day profile sheet. You can continue with additional profile sheets as long as necessary to be performing in the optimal area consistently. That's where habit formation takes place.
31 Day Defensiveness/Non-Defensiveness Scoring Sheet and Profile Sheet
So, here's my suggestion. Take your 10-item defensiveness/non-defensiveness self-assessment daily and track your results. It’s only five minutes a day!
Positive change requires mindful awareness as a starting point. This ongoing exercise creates hyper-awareness and the ability to see choices clearly
Being fully present in the here and now creates the opportunity to make emotionally intelligent choices this moment – choices that with repetition become habits.
Think about it!
Less than five minutes a day can change the course of your relationship.